Taboo [2]

Chapter Two (Lucas)



Beneath a vast blue sky, a young white bird sat quietly in a nest. The wind brushed itself gently across its feathers and its vivid yellow eyes pondered the deep forest below it. With no mother or father, no one to teach it how to fly, the bird continued to sit in the tall tree until it grew out of its childhood. Still as a stone, the bird’s eyes overlooked the horizon in search of something. Suddenly, there was a growing darkness that overlapped the cerulean sky. Startled, the tree began to shake violently. Looking down, there was a figure with hands that pushed the tree will tremendous force.
“No! Don’t harm the bird!”
The figure didn’t hear the voice. Instead, it continued to shake the tree.
“Stop it,” I mumbled, awaking from my sleep. My eyes fluttered open to see Liliah, my sister, slowly raising her hands off my side. I glared at her, studying the tips of her dark honey-colored hair which were wet from a shower. Feeling cold droplets on my back, I gracefully slid off the bed.
She blinked and then her lips spread across her cheeks in a smile. “You said something, finally!” Her brown eyes melted like chocolate and I ripped my gaze off her. Standing up, ignoring her, I went to my closet and pulled out some clothes.
She walked towards my alarm clock. “I’ll set your alarm. So that way you don’t need me to wake you up. I was actually going to do it yesterday night but…” she trailed off as she fumbled with the black mechanism. “How does this thing even work…?”
I pushed past her and went to the bathroom, pulling off my shirt. Looking into the glossy mirror, staring at my reflection, I wondered why in the world I was doing this. I watched the corner of my mouth twitch. I’m tired of waiting, what’s why, I reminded myself. There was only emptiness at the orphanage. Fire arouse in my chest as I thought about the haunted place and how many painful years I spent there. Tired of it, I wanted out. Sure, I could have waited another year until I turned eighteen and moved out on my own. But one more year with those god forsaken windows and terrible memories was enough to make me go mad.
The light knock on the door pulled my attention. “Luke?” Liliah called. “Um, that blue toothbrush is yours and so is the blue towel. I put that on the hanger for you.”
I stared at the pink and blue brush on the counter. Quickly, I grabbed the blue brush and vigorously brushed my teeth, glaring at my mirror image.
Once I finished showering and changing, I went downstairs to the kitchen. Dianne was in the middle of making breakfast and Liliah was on the table picking at her finger nails.
“Mom,” she asked. “I think I have to get a manicure or something. My fingers are always dirty no matter how much I try to clean them.”
“Well, you can do that this weekend.” Dianne turned her eyes on me. “Oh, Lucas, you’re just in time. I’m almost done with the eggs so why don’t you sit next to Liliah while I get your plates out?”
I didn’t want breakfast, nor did I want to sit next to Liliah. Grabbing an apple from the center of the table, I turned around and began walking towards the door.
“Lucas! You have to eat before you go to school!” Dianne called after me.
I turned to give her an ‘I’m okay’ smile and left. Opening the door, the sunlight hit my eyes and I lifted my arm to shade myself. I had gone to school a few days ago when Dianne took me in for registration, so I didn’t need any directions.
Hearing the sudden sound of stomping feet behind me made me lift a brow. Liliah…
“Luke!” she shouted, catching her breath, “you can’t just go off like that. Mom will be upset if you don’t eat.” She tightened her grip on her purse. “She woke up early just to make you breakfast…”
A pang of guilt hit me but I refused to show it. I would repay Dianne later, I promised myself.
“Next time, wait for me so we can go together,” she argued.
I couldn’t understand why she did this to herself. I was sure I made myself clear yesterday that I didn’t want to talk to her, or befriend her. Yet, here she was getting my alarm clock set, taking out my toothbrush and following me to school.
She toddled after me, trying to keep up with my pace. “I wonder if we have any classes together,” she said in a thick breath. “It’d be nice if we did…”
I wondered if she was the type of girl who talked to herself, crazy. Trying to quicken her pace, she tripped over her own damn foot. Wobbling slightly, she finally regained her balance.
She’s must be dumb, I told myself, more stupid than a rock. What kind of sane person would continue to ramble with someone who doesn’t want their company?
When we reached Lake Forest High, students overpopulated the area in a school of fish. No pun intended. Already seeing the cliques form in little circles, I rolled my eyes. Again, you had your sections; the idiotic preps, C- jocks and pucker-up cheerleaders…the art freaks and the band geeks. Nerds and video game weirdoes, the outcast shy kids and the stupid class clowns, they all formed their little bubbles of confinement. The nice thing was I didn’t fit into any of these categories.
As I looked up, some lost fish decided to detach himself from the jocks and head in our direction. Standing a bit taller than me, with bulky muscles and short cut blond hair with tan skin, he raised a smile at Liliah.
“Liah!” he called, waving his hand.
A brainless grin extended across her cheeks and she waved back. “Hunter!”
I bit my tongue, suppressing the urge to laugh. Hunter? There couldn’t have been a better name for the punk. I didn’t know why I found him repulsive, maybe it was the way he stood so tall, like he owned the place or something.
The two hugged warmly in front of me and then engaged in a stupid conversation of how their summer had been. Not wanting to hear any more rubbish, I pivoted around only to have my arm grabbed. I spun around and faced Liliah with a glare, jerking my land loose at the same time.
Her eyes didn’t waver and held their stance. I had begun to think my look-of-death was becoming quite ineffective. Yet, she put my arm down and frowned, like a child who had been scolded. She didn’t flinch, but at least she knew her place.
“Who’s this?” Hunter asked, eyeing me up and down. Gradually, he took a step closer to Liliah.
“My brother,” she answered without hesitation.
“What?” he laughed. “You don’t have a brother.”
“Remember? I told you my mom was going to adopt.”
He gave me a speculative look. “But I thought…he was gonna be a kid or something,” he whispered, thinking I couldn’t hear him.
Liliah just smiled. “His name’s Lucas and we’re the same age. Isn’t that neat?”
“Uh, yeah, I guess.” He forced a happy expression.
Hunter seemed a bit uncomfortable with me in the picture, so I decided I’d save him and take my leave. Turning around, I walked away as fast as I could without looking like a total weirdo.
Finally freeing myself from Liliah’s monstrous intrusions, I was able to take a breath. Studying my schedule, I realized I had most honors and AP classes except for Environmental science which I picked just so I could sleep.
For every class I continued to pick seats in the back corner, next to the window. I only carried one notebook and two pens in the pocket of my jeans. It wasn’t like I needed any more tan that because I was able to memorize most of the things the teacher said, even if I didn’t want to.
Making my way to the environmental science room, I had to push my way through a thick crowd of distracted teens. As soon as I made it to the classroom, I was practically struck by lightning. Fate must really fucking hate me. My eyes loomed over Liliah as she handed Mr. Roberts a set of papers. Looks like I won’t be getting much sleep in this class…
“Lucas!” A smile tugged the corner of her lips. “Luke!” she said again, skipping over to me with her brainless grin.
Rolling my eyes, I walked away and took a seat at one of the oval tables. I was so sure she was going to sit next to me but I was surprised when she sat two tables away next to a few of her other friends. I exhaled, feeling something drop of my shoulders.
Hunter entered the class room and gave me a smile and a wave. I pretended as if I didn’t see him. He jumped into the chair next to Liliah, flipping her hair back. Putting a hand over her mouth, she let out a short giggle, like a stupid doll. They whispered together in hushed voices until Mr. Roberts spanked his ruler on his desk to catch everyone’s attention.
“Alright, y’all, be quiet and let me take attendance,” he ordered, walked toward the podium. His walk was like a penguin, swaying one way and then another. Opening his book and licking his finger he began to call out names and scribble in his booklet. Mr. Roberts was round and half bald with a belly that stuck out so much you’d think he was pregnant. He wore thick round glasses and had a nose so sharp that he could knit a sweater with it. He dressed in khaki pants that revealed his colorful socks and a stripped button down shirt with a gay tie. Yup, he had all the ladies comin’ to the yard.
During class, he dropped his pen twice and had to fix his belt more than five times. I assumed he lost weight over the summer. My eyes rolled to the side as I peeked at Liliah. She had her head rested against her palm. Her eyes lazily followed Mr. Roberts as he walked back and forth across the classroom for no apparent reason.
She suddenly shifted her position and our eyes met. Shocked at first, she brushed a finger through her wavy chestnut hair and then looked down instantly. A few seconds later she tilted her head in my direction and tried to catch another glance. I turned forward and watched Mr. Roberts spit his lecture on classroom rules.
Once class was over I went to the cafeteria. The lunch line was still short since I arrived early. After receiving my food, I walked to an empty square table by the window and sat down. There weren’t any students around since most of them were packing the lunch line so I figured I’d monopolize this spot for as long as I possibly could. Once the chaotic lunchroom filled to the point of explosion, I was glad to see that my table was still under my control.
I was getting stares, however. Nothing I wasn’t used to, though. Girls whispered and giggled as they passed me by, eyeing me up and down like I was fresh meat. Steering my attention back to my plate, I noticed I had forgotten to get a drink. Just as I was about to get up, my eyes caught hold of Liliah as she walked towards the center of the cafeteria. Her eyes wandered around in search and she finally hooked her gaze on me, smiling.
Oh please, don’t come here.
“Liliah!” my savior called her name. She was blonde haired girl who sat a few tables away with a bunch of her other friends. “Sit with us!”
Liliah pivoted in their direction and I let out a sigh of relief. I lifted myself again, aiming for the lunch line. I had to sit back down when she approached again. She must have turned them down, oh great.
I gave her a menacing glare as she sat across from me. Ignoring my eyes, she tucked her purse to the side and picked up her fork. Looking at me, she said, “You can’t eat without something to drink.” She pointed at my plate.
I let out an aggravated sigh, turning my head away from this eyesore. I wanted to make her regret it, regret sitting with me, regret trying to get on my good side when I didn’t have one. Reaching over, I picked up her water bottle. I wouldn’t let her do as she pleased anymore. Opening the top, I took a shot of fresh, icy water.
As the clear fluid drowned in my throat, my brows furrowed together. At the orphanage, there were girls, younger than me but still had their stupid little crushes. I was able to ward them off easily, one serious look was all it took but that didn’t work on Liliah. No matter how many times I pushed her back she kept coming forward. She was like a tall strong tree standing in a blizzard. Even my most powerful winds couldn’t knock her down.
She eyed me silently and as soon as I set the bottle down she snatched it. “I guess we can share then,” she challenged. Putting the opening to her lips she let the clear liquid drizzle down her throat. I narrowed my eyes as she set the bottle down. Her fork impaled her pasta and she put the noodle into her mouth as if she wished it were the hind leg of an antelope.
How was I going to deal with this one?
______________________________________________________
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Hey Pink!

Here for a review, yay!

“Stop it,” I mumbled, awaking from my sleep. I peered up to see my sister, Liliah

Ok. It took me a few seconds to understand that it was from Luke's point of view. This sentence bothers me. I assume it's the next day? He wouldn't even speak to her, why does he suddenly refer to her as his sister? I don't think he would feel the attachment necessary for that thought. Yes, legally speaking, she is but that wouldn't pierce through his fogged mind. Am I making sense?

Dianne was in the middle of making breakfast and Liliah was on the breakfast table picking at her finger nails.

You see, he refers to her as Dianne, not 'mom' but Liliah as his sister...

She toddled after me, trying to keep up with my pace. “I wonder if we have any classes together,” she said in a thick breath. “It’d be nice if we had a class together.”

this classes together part is repetitive. Perhaps change the second with 'if we did'. Do. Whatever.

Even as I entered the school I could hear her calling my name like a hyena. “Luke! Luke!”

I have to admit that Liliah is beginning to annoy me. Why is she still hanging on. Can't wait for her pov...

Okay, Pink, I'm done with the nitpicks. Grammar was excellent, as usual. What I want to discuss is Luke and Liliah (luke and Leah, hahaha). She is frankly annoying me. I believe that she can be some kind of goody-two shoes, but how much kicking does she take before she finally stays down?

And Luke. His thoughts aren't particularly sweet to her and in a way, I understand but I would like to know why he percieves her this way. He mentions that her eyes melt like chocolate and he froze on that bead of water on her lip. Obviously, he sees her as a woman. But maybe some comparison to his previous life could be inserted here. Was it a boys only orphanage and is he uncomfortable with her presence? Did he know girls who were real bimbos and reacted like she did? Because right now, all she is is annoying and him, mean. I'd like to know more.

I was getting all teary-eyed thinking about the confrontation scene that may or may not come. It could be really strong and powerful, a tear-jerker for sure because although she's annoying, it's obvious she's trying to help him settle in. So...Can't wait to see what will happen.

I wanted to mention that I love Luke's voice. It's strong and distinctive, very obviously different from Liliah's. Nicely done!

Hope this was helpful, take care and keep writing!

Tanya

Thank you for the review Tanya. I'll fix the things that you mentioned.
Okay, what you said is exactly what I was afraid of when posting this. Working with two POV's, they both have extremely different viewpoints of one another so it's kinda hard to keep it balanced, I'm working on it
I know Leah is annoying, she seems that way in Luke's eyes but she's seriously trying to open him up and she's going at it full force because she knows sitting back quietly isn't going to work, especially with him.
She might have to take a couple hits but she's determined. I'm working on explaining it all in the next chapter to why she's annoying but bear with her,she's not going to be like that for long.
I was contemplating putting more of Luke's background in this one but it got too long. I guess I should put that in so it's out of the way and I think It'll be more clear to why Luke is the way he is.
Thanks again for the awesome review, you caught the things I missed

~PInk

Luke's voice and Liliah's voice were very different and I enjoyed reading this in that aspect. I could tell right from the start and it was a very pleasant surprise.

I don't like Luke too much right now, mainly because he's so... angry, annoyed and self-centered. You have to be aware that if you start him as a character like this, he isn't very likable, at first, that is (it takes me a while to get used to a character, but I'm sure I'm going to love him!). He also has every right to be angry; Liliah is being insistant. And I love that about her. It's surprising that he finds her that hard to understand. I also thought that all the 'God, don't come here!' were awesome. Makes Luke seem more human. Also the orphanage girls part. The only thing that bothered me was when he thought her voice, calling him, sounded like a heayna. I'd delete that one. It was too mean.

Now it's Liliah's turn. I. Just. Love. Her. Even through Luke's point of view, I just love her! Mainly because I understand her motives better, through her point of view. I think this is something you achieved very well here: We get to hear both sides, thus we understand the characters better. So Luke's being a butt, and we get why. Liliah's being persistant, and we understand it.

As for the plotline... First day at school. That's very important. I liked how you wrote he thought Liliah's smile was 'brainless'. I also liked how, for Luke, it was no big deal. School, great, pick all the seats at the sides and keep a low profile. It was really really good!

I can't wait to read more!
Please Pm me when you have more!!!
Ofir

PinkShearwater wrote:Thank you for the review Tanya. I'll fix the things that you mentioned.
Okay, what you said is exactly what I was afraid of when posting this. Working with two POV's, they both have extremely different viewpoints of one another so it's kinda hard to keep it balanced, I'm working on it
I know Leah is annoying, she seems that way in Luke's eyes but she's seriously trying to open him up and she's going at it full force because she knows sitting back quietly isn't going to work, especially with him.
She might have to take a couple hits but she's determined. I'm working on explaining it all in the next chapter to why she's annoying but bear with her,she's not going to be like that for long.
I was contemplating putting more of Luke's background in this one but it got too long. I guess I should put that in so it's out of the way and I think It'll be more clear to why Luke is the way he is.
Thanks again for the awesome review, you caught the things I missed

~PInk

I'm actually impressed at how well you defined both characters, I just think he would seem less of a butthead if we knew a bit about him. Maybe not the whole history, but a thought dropped here and there would be nice.

And Yes, she is annoying but I understand why, in a way. Anyway! haha.

Love this, Pink, you know I do. Can't wait for the third

Tanya

Hey Pink. It's Shubhi again to review your work, and this time I hope the review is much more helpful, than the hopeless one I gave the last time.

With no mother or father, no one to teach it how to fly, the bird continued to sit in the large tree until it grew out of its childhood.

Okay, so honestly I found this silly that the bird would sit there without food or water, and still survive it's childhood. There has to be some logic or sense behind this all. Although I liked the different way you narrated this dream, but this particular thing took away all the essence. Please do tell me if I missed out or said something wrong.

I should be at the orphanage…waiting.

This sentence is kind of nice and mysterious, as it gave me a bit of hint of why this person is so sour and rude. I can't wait to read the reason.

Once I finished showering and changing, I went downstairs to the kitchen.

I didn’t want breakfast and I didn’t want to sit next to that forceful girl either.

Forceful? I definitely think that you can use something else here, something which is more appropriate and doesn't look messy. This just seemed to me weird coming out of nowhere.

She must be dumb, I told myself, stupider than a rock.

Stupider? I am not even sure if that's a word. But if you want to use it, and are so determined of it, then use it in your conversations where we come up with weird words and invent new words. That would be better and more cool.

They looked like fish, moving here and there.

This was a good attempt at using some imagery, but I would have loved if you could have made it more in depth. Like they moved here and there could have been shown, rather than telling. I am not sure, but there is something which can definitely use some help here. Also, if you like you can use the fish market comparison for the ground or wherever they all have assembled.

He must be a senior, I thought.

When there's a thought written in the same tense as the character is thinking in, then the thought needs to be italicized. For example: I just want you to go, I thought bitterly to myself.

Liliah was standing next to Mr. Roberts' desk, talking to him and once I entered the room, her expression of causal talk had completely changed into a ravish one.

He wore thick round glasses and had a nose so sharp that he could knit a sweater with it.

That was innovative. Knitting?

Wow! Honestly, you don't need a lectured review, but I am going to do that anyways. LOL. First of all, you have so many 'Likes', and it makes me feel good that at last works which deserve something are only getting 'likes'. Shubhi 'likes' it, too.

The very thing that I like about this is that you have an appropriate quote for every chapter, which makes it look like a work of an intelligent, which you surely are. Also the thing you did with 'orange' back in the last chapter was also cool, and it indeed looked clever to do.

I saw that you had written my sister, Liliah earlier when she wakes him off his sleep, and then Tanya found this a bit odd. So did I. But on the other side, I would like if you do keep up with the 'sister' thing, and then also add something sarcastic to show that even though in the eyes of law she is his sister, he doesn't consider her to be. That would look more clever. Even if you're not pleased with using sister word for her, then do let him use some adjective for her here, or something else, which seems better than just saying her name.

I had this impression of Liliah that she does like his coming to her house, but was a girl who would try to make him comfortable, but what here she is doing seems a bit off character. The way she is laughing, the way she is irritating him even after his persistence rudeness makes me think she is mad or a person with no self-respect. This is my point of view, but things can look different to others.

Your descriptions are good and within limited time and words you explain your points sweetly, which is an excellent attribute of a writer. I specially liked the description of Mr. Roberts and he somewhat reminded me of a character in a hit movie. Sure, it's cool then.

Surely after reading this chapter I have started understanding Lucas' POV and his mindset. He looks kind of interesting with something eerie buried in his heart. He is for sure going to be more interesting than Liliah.

I don't think this has got anything to do with your writing, but it seemed ironic and odd to me that both the MC's name starts with the letter 'L'. It's a realistic story, and this similarity might make readers feel that this is pure fiction. Of course, this can be a co0incidence but you know how readers are.

Don't stop writing,
Loving this.
~Shubhi See yaa..

Thanks Shubhi for an excellent review
Yes, I know Liliah is off character. I made her purposely this way. She's not herself when she's with him, she's got her motives, you know? Also, the dream...well I know it makes no sense that the bird could survive with no food or water but it is a dream and anything is possible right? It was an image and those little things don't necessarily have to make sense. I'm sorry if it bothered anyone. But I wanted it that way.
*laughs* I wrote all of chapter one and then was like, eh, both my characters name start with the same letter. I just pick names randomly and they just ended up being the same but by the time I was done I didn't have the courage to go back and change it because it was like changing their personalities. So I just left it.
Anyway, I don't want to ramble on and on so thank you all for the reviews!
Means a lot and I'm pumped on writing the next chapter

~Pink

Hi again, Pink! I’m back for another chapter, just as promised. I was actually really looking forward to reading this, moreso than I usually look forward to review writing, and you’ll be happy to know that I wasn’t at all disappointed.

First of all, I think you do a really fantastic job of setting Lucas’s narration apart from Liliah’s, which is something that a lot of readers struggle with, so kudos to you. I could tell right away just from the shift in tone that it was definitely a different character narrating this part of the story, and that they had a very different view on the world around them. Not only does Lucas obviously have a more caustic reaction to the people around him than Liliah does, but the whole world from his point of view looks grayer and colder—something I also noticed in his narration of the prologue.

I also really like how you keep tying some of the metaphors and motifs into this story again and again, like all the mentions of birds in this chapter and the continued use of the quotes at the beginning. I think it works really well, especially since the dove was alluded to during the prologue and is now brought up again, in Lucas’s dream and in the quote’s metaphor of flying. It just ties the whole story together really well, and I think it adds an element of interest and suspense that wouldn’t be there otherwise.

In any case, it was definitely interesting to see a completely different character’s perspective on Dianne and Liliah—and I can definitely see how that change in perspective affects the way the characters are perceived. Liliah came off as a nice, friendly, social girl in the first chapter, someone that we would want to get along with and hang out with. Now, through Lucas’s perspective, all her attempts at friendliness seem really clingy, she seems obnoxious and shallow, like she doesn’t think of anything but gossip and chitchat. But at the same time, I think she has a lot of redeeming moments in this chapter, which I can see even beyond the veil of Lucas’s standoffishness. I really like the way she just sits next to him at lunch, despite all his rudeness to her, and how accommodating she is to all his attempts to put her off, like when she just sighs and says she’ll share the water with him. She’s a sweet girl whether Lucas wants us to think she is or not, and I think his narration actually reinforces that fact.

Dianne, on the other hand, comes off as much more open and warm than she was in the first chapter, which I think makes sense. Dianne was, after all, the one who first approached Lucas and offered him this home, she’s been the one who has been most like a mother to him all this time, and I think it makes sense that he looks on her with a sense of loyalty greater than he does Liliah. I really liked the scene where he promises himself he’ll make it up to her for not eating breakfast—I think it was a really redeeming moment that showed us his character isn’t all angst and anger.

However, I do think you’re probably going to get readers who get frustrated with his tendency to brush others off, who just find him rude and annoying, and you’re going to have to keep that in mind, too. However, I think this problem will probably be minimal as long as its made clear that Lucas’s inflated opinion of himself and his rather deflated opinion of everyone else don’t equal reality—which I think you’ve already got, since Liliah has perspective chapters, too. I think it was probably a good idea to have started out this story with the focus on Liliah, who is much easier for the audience to warm up to.

Just a few nitpicks before I head off:

With no mother or father, no one to teach it how to fly the bird continued to sit in the large tree until it grew out of its childhood.

Gets a little run-on-y unless you have a comma after “fly.”

The figure wasn’t listening and it continued to shake the tree with tremendous strength.

I’m not sure that this line works for the end of the dream sequence—I feel like it’s supposed to be dramatic, but for me, it just sort of falls flat. Maybe that’s because it’s such a long sentence, or maybe because it’s written in such a matter of fact tone… I think just “The figure wasn’t listening” might actually be more effective.

“Well you can do that this weekend.”

Maybe a comma after “Well.”

I opened the door and the sunlight hit my eyes with a powerful ray.

I’m not sure that “with a powerful ray” is quite necessary—it distracts from the rhythm of the sentence and is a little redundant.

It wasn’t like I needed any more than that because I was able to memorize everything the teacher said even if I didn’t want to.

I’d put a comma after “said.” By the way, if it was intentional to make Lucas look like a massively arrogant jerk with this line, it worked great. XD

talking to him and once I entered the room her expression of causal talk had completely changed into a ravish one.

I’m not sure “ravish” works in this sentence, because I keep thinking of the… other meaning and wondering what she’s doing to poor Mr. Roberts. XD

I lifted my butt off the chair only to sit back down when I saw her approaching me. She must’ve turned them down, oh great.

This sentence confused me. So, he’s about to leave because she’s not coming to sit by him, but then sits back down because she is…? I thought he didn’t want to sit with her.

I smirked. How was I going to deal with this one?

I’m not sure, but this seemed a little out of character to me—in the previous paragraph, I got the impression that he was kind of bewildered about Liliah’s persistence, like “What’s wrong with this girl?” But then, with “smirked,” it seems like he’s rather confident. Did I just get the wrong impression? Was there a transition here that I missed?

Anyway, I’m really enjoying this story, and I’m super curious to see what exactly Lucas’s deal is, where he got his high-and-mighty attitude, and why he wants to be back in that orphanage so bad, as well as what he’s going to do about Liliah’s pursuit of a friendship with him—not to mention how Liliah is going to respond to all this. Eagerly awaiting the next chapter, and I’ll be glad to review if you’ll have me! : )

This review is quite hurried 'cause it's nearly midnight here! XD Anyway, I skimmed the reviews and I think the parts I'm going to nit-pick weren't commented on yet. Anyway, you forget putting commas. xD

no one to teach it how to fly the bird...

You should put a comma after 'fly'.

I must be out of my mind, I argued with myself, I had planned to stay at the orphanage, wait there until she came back but there was something about Dianne that made me want to come here.

This needs some rephrasing. And, you can end the second phrase with a period already.

Once I finished showering and changing I went downstairs to the kitchen.

Put a comma after 'changing'.

I looked up and heading in my direction there was a boy.

You need to rephrase this. It could be: "I looked up and saw a boy heading in my direction."

During class

Put a comma after 'class'.

I guess that's pretty much it. I didn't have time to critically read this chapter like the other reviewers did so thank God that they reviewed on the points I didn't notice or I ignored. Again, this is a wonderful story and I can't wait for the next chapters!

This was a great second chapter, I like how you made it from Lucas' point of view, it made me understand how he is feeling about Lilah, and not just who she feels. I like how you haven't fully expressed why he didn't want to come, but why he still did want to come. I'm glad you've left it open for us to find out later (as long as you do explain it later )

I saw a few words that weren't in the right context (but nothing serious) but I would go threw it again to edit.

Here I am again, Pink. I'm hoping that my reviews are helpful and not just repeating what the other reviewers wrote. That said, I'll get on to the review. I'm changing something up a bit. Red in the quote means corrections or suggestions, purple means comments on corrections or suggestions, and blue means general comments.

There was a young bird, a white one. Maybe it was a dove…It sat quietly in a nest by its lonesome self.

Since it's implied that the bird is alone, it seems wierd and wordy that you put the word lonesome in their too when it is unnesscessary.

Please, please don’t harm the bird! It’ll fall and get hurt if you keep shaking the tree!

It took me a while to notice what was different about this bit, but then it was obvious that it was supposed to be thought. The transition between narrative and thought is very abrupt. There should be some distiction between the two besides the obvious change in verb tenses.

The figure wasn’t listening, and it continued to shake the tree with tremendous strength.

She had been shaking me, and her hands lifted off my side when I glared at her. The tips of her dark honey-colored hair were wet from a shower, and I felt cold droplets on my back as I sat up.

I should be at the orphanage…waiting.

I have two opinions on this: Either I think you should clarify this more or I like this bit of foreshadowing. As a happy middle ground, I think that you should add just a little more of a hint to keep us hooked just so that we wnat to know what that was about.

I must be out of my mind, I argued with myself, I had planned to stay at the orphanage, wait there until she came back but there was something about Dianne that made me want to come here.

The part that's undelined and red should be in italics because it's thought. Again this is a stylized choice, so as long as you make a distinction between the two, it should be okay.

I turned to give her an ‘I’m okay’ smile and left. I opened the door and the sunlight hit my eyes with a powerful ray. I lifted my arm to cover myself and began walking down the sidewalk. I had gone to the school a few days ago when Dianne took me in for registration so I didn’t need any directions.

I heard the sound of feet stomping behind me and I already knew who it was.

All of these sentences start with 'I.' It reads very repetitivelly. Shake it up a bit.

Yet, here she was, getting my alarm clock set, taking out my toothbrush and following me to school.

“I wonder if we have any classes together,” she said in a thick breath.

It seems wierd that you say her breath was thick. I'm not sure what that means, and I'm almost positive it doesn't make sense.

I made my way to the environmental science room only to be stuck by thunder when I got there. How she rained on my parade.

There's something odd about this part. You can't be struck by thunder-there's a typo there too. Stuck should be struck. Anyways, 'How she rained on my parade.' is very awkward. I also understand the connection between the two sentences, but this could be executed a lot better.

had a nose so sharp that he could knit a sweater with it.

This just seems awkward. I mean get what you mean, but surely there's a different way to word this.

During class, he dropped his pen twice and had to fix his belt more than five times.

Once class was over, I went to the cafeteria.

I went through the lunch line but I forgot to get something to drink but I didn’t want to waste time by going back in the long line so I decided to wait.

Whoa! That sentence is just way too long and seems like its rambling.

She was like a tall strong tree standing in a blizzard. Even my most powerful winds couldn’t knock her down.

I love these two sentences. <3

All in all,
The stories not really going anywhere yet, but that isn't a problem yet since you are switching point of views. Other than that, I don't really have any comments towards the storyline so far.

Characters
Lillah- She seems very cliche and almost too perfect. I mean, I know that the story just started, but I haven't seen any flaws in her so far. She's nice, caring for both her mother and Luke, and she seems a bit overly nice for my taste.
Hunter-He's a bit of a secondary character and there isn't anything other that to say about him. Although, I did want to mention something but I'll get to it in Luke's character thing that I'm doing.
Dianne-For her, it seems like the adoption process was very simple and casual for the whole family. Also, there's something wierd about her trying to replace her husband with another child, but maybe that's just her way of grieving. I don't know.
Luke-Why is he constantly so sullen? He's mean to everyone even if they are trying to be nice to him. Besides that fact, he seems a bit smarter than you would expect of a 17 year old. And they way that he desribes what classes he's in makes him seem very snobby, almost like he feels above everybody.

Grammar I noticed that you don't seperate your sentences correctly. What I mean is that there are never commas where there should be commas. These articles should help you out. Compound Sentences The Uses of Commas Another thing I noticed was, your narrative is bland. It's all very 'she did, he did, I did etc.' Do you see what I'm saying? It would do your writing wonders if you shook up the narrative a bit. I mean, the only thing that seperates Luke and Lilah's narrative is that Luke is always so negative. If you want to pull off this double narrator thing, then you have to make sure that both our characters have distinct and unique voices.

Hope I helped.

P.S. I'm soo sorry for the wait. I got caught up in a lot of school things.

Always,
~Danie

This was another great installment- really enjoying this book.

I would recommend making Luke more reluctant about joining the family. If he is so resistant, than he wouldn't feel any attachment or guilt towards Dianne. Also, the description at the end was a bit overdone- I would think about toning that down. Otherwise, nice job. Great pace and development. Nice job!

-Coral-

Heya Pink!

Sorry I didn't get to this sooner, especially after telling you that I'd get one review done a day... *slaps face* It was my dad's birthday and things got a bit more hectic than I thought they would...

I peered up to see Liliah, my sister.

This struck as a bit odd to me, simply because Luke's only known Liliah for a day, and he called her his sister. I've just realised that this sounds really picky, but yeah... Even if you'd written new sister or something like that, I think that it would have sounded better.

Why did I do this? Why did I decide to become part of this family?

This kind of emphasizes my last nit-pick. If he's so regretful of joining the family, would he have thought of Liliah as his sister when he woke up?

“Mom,” she asked. “I think I have to get a manicure or something. My fingers are always dirty, no matter how much I try to clean them.”

I didn’t want breakfast and I didn’t want to sit next to that forceful girl either.

Anger...

I turned to give her an ‘I’m okay’ smile and then left. I opened the door and the sunlight hit my eyes. I lifted my arm to cover myself and began walking down the sidewalk. I had gone to the school a few days ago when Dianne took me in for registration, so I didn’t need any directions.

Sorry for being picky again, but these sentences sounded a bit repetitive because you started each one with 'I'.

She must be dumb, I told myself, more stupid than a rock. What kind of sane person would continue to ramble with someone who doesn’t want their company?

That's a bit mean...

A brainless grin extended across her face and she waved back. “Hunter!”

Luke doesn't think much of her, does he?

I suppressed the urge to laugh, thinking how there couldn’t have been a better name for the punk.

Liliah was standing next to Mr. Robert’s desk, talking to him and once I entered the room, her expression of causal talk had completely changed.

Opening his book and licking his finger, he began to call out names and scribble in his booklet.

I went through the lunch line but I forgot to get something to drink, but I didn’t want to waste time by going back in the long line, so I decided to wait.

The repetition of 'but' here made the sentence sound kind of awkward.

Once the chaotic lunchroom filled to the point of explosion, I was glad to see the table was still under my control.

No matter how many times I pushed her back, she kept coming forward.

She eyed me silently and as soon as I set the bottle down, she snatched it. “I guess we can share then,” she said in a challenging tone.

Overall

As a whole, I thought that this chapter was a good one. I have a bit of a love for two POV stories, so that probably helps. I really like some of the descriptions you're using. It doesn't feel to me as though you're overusing them, but you're writing certainly isn't short of them. It's always best to have a good balance. As for your characters, I have mixed emotions about them, most good though, so don't fret about that. They are certainly interesting and it's good to see that there is clearly enough space and time for them to progress, which is always a good thing to have in a novel. Character development, that is. When it comes to your grammar, there was the odd thing I noticed, but nothing too serious. Your spelling, like, last time, was very good. I also like to see you using varied vocabulary.

My main critique for this is, once again, about Luke. He's an interesting guy, no? The slight issue I'm having with him is kind of connected to my original critique about him. He is appearing to be rather Edward Cullenish. At the beginning of the book, Edward tries to avoid Bella and appears to be mean. With you, Luke tries to avoid Liliah and comes cross as mean. Do you get where I'm coming from. Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't a really major issue. Like I said earlier, there is plenty of time for your characters to develop. Something else I'd like to mention about him is that I'm finding him kind of intimidating. I understand that you want him to appear as rather harsh and judgemental, at least I think you are, but I think you want it to kind of be like that's a front for Luke. By that, I mean that he's built up a kind of 'I don't care about anyone or anything' front whilst living in the orphanage. That's fine because he's obviously supposed to not have had an easy life. If that is the case though, I think that you should stop his thoughts from being so offensive. It's fine to keep him annoyed at Liliah for always being on his case, but for the things like thinking of her a s a thick, immature girl, I think you should tone them down. Am I making sense...? Sorry if I'm not...

The only other thing I really need to mention is that I noticed you misusing commas her and there. I did correct the areas where I noticed this, but don't worry, it's really not that bad at all. I noticed that pinkangel sent you a link that should help you with this, so you should check that out. The only other minor grammar issue, if you could really call it that, was that I noticed you repeating quite a few words. Your vocabulary was really great, it was just words like 'but', 'she' and 'I' that I noticed you repeating quite often. Not repeating 'I' is hard, trust me! Use that paragraph where you started every sentence with 'I', for example. The only reason I'm bringing this up is because doing things like that can sometimes disrupt the flow of an otherwise great story. What I'm basically trying to say is that I'd like for you to vary the beginning of sentences and the conjunctions of sentences.

Negatives aside, I do like this story so far. It seems to be the kind of thing I enjoy reading as well, so that's a good start. I'm interested in to seeing where this ends up going. There aren't any obvious plot developments yet, but that's perfectly fine. This is only the second chapter, after all. Just make sure that you don't leave it another five chapters until something happens.

Sorry again for getting to this late!

xoxo Skins

Hey Shear :3

Finally here to review. Stab me for my lateness

I grabbed it and vigorously brushed my teeth, glaring at my mirror image.

Without toothpaste? Ewww I did that once because we ran out, and it was disgusting. Tasted like ass Haha.

He walked forward as if he was the biggest person on earth and the sun’s rays could only shine down upon him.

Don't quite understand what you're trying to say here...

For every class I continued to pick seats in the back corner, next to the window. I only carried one notebook and two pens in the pocket of my jeans. It wasn’t like I needed any more than that because I was able to memorize everything the teacher said, even if I didn’t want to.

I hope he can draw/play an instrument. That would be awesome. Like, I'd want to marry him :3 Make him be able to draw and have him secretly draw portraits of Liliah :3

I figured I’d monopolize this spot for the whole year.

I don't think this is the right word you're looking for.

She eyed me silently and as soon as I set the bottle down she snatched it. “I guess we can share then,” she said in a challenging tone. She put the opening to her lips and let the clear liquid drizzle down her throat.

Some people are really OCD about sharing food. One of my friends won't eat anything I cook because he doesn't trust me, even when he watches what I cook. Another ex-friend wouldn't share anything of her food at lunch for the fear of everyone asking for it. Maybe having Lucas repulsed by her saliva would be a more realistic image.

Nice instalment! Despite the fact that this was a school scene, it wasn't cliché or boring. I believe that you've achieved a very difficult thing

- Jai

Hi, Ate Pink! Here again to review again. I saved this chapter in my computer, and I actually read it when I was in another city. There was no internet connection there, and I was like: “Noooo!” I only saved one chapter. Felt so short, I wanted to read more. Haha!

I liked how this was in Lucas’ view. (Wow, I call him Lucas!) In my opinion, he is very well-written. It’s really cool! Like, the way he is grumpy, and smart, and—attractive? LOL You’ve shown his character so well I was quite shocked. And man! Was he funny! I was laughing to myself. Haha! Here are my fave lines:

Fate must really hate me.

He walked like a penguin, swaying one way and then another.

Mr. Roberts was round and half bald with a belly that stuck out so much you’d think he was pregnant. He wore thick round glasses and had a nose so sharp that he could knit a sweater with it. He dressed in khaki pants that showed his colorful socks and a stripped button down shirt with a gay tie.

Those were so funny. I don’t know why a character being mean could be sometimes so funny. Haha! I really like Lucas now. Oooh…Luke, Luke, Luke. I’m a dork. LOL It’s just, I’m so sure he’ll change. Hmmm…will he? Tell me, Miss Pink! Don’t end the book without him changing for the better! LOL

Okay, enough with that. Your descriptions are amusingly realistic. Like this:

Opening his book and licking his finger he began to call out names and scribble in his booklet.

I could actually picture that! It’s gross, I know. Funny still! =)

I am hooked in your story. Weeee…This chapter was very, very good. Though I’ve got some nitpicks for you.

Sure, I could have waited another year until I turned eighteen and moved out but, one more year with those god forsaken windows and terrible memories was enough to make me go mad.

The comma should be before “but”, right?

I grabbed it and vigorously brushed my teeth, glaring at my mirror image.

“It” wasn’t clearly told what “it” was. Okay, common sense. “It” meant the blue toothbrush, but still, you should have pointed out clearly what the antecedent was. Probably say: “I grabbed the blue one…”?

if he was the biggest person on earth and the sun’s rays could only shine down upon him.

I’m not a native American speaker, but I’ve noticed that people usually use “were” when using “if” as an alternative reality. Gah—that was hard to explain. I’d love if anyone could clear that up.

“Yeah, I guess.” He forced a happy expression.

No space here:

class room

There were some times when I felt like there were missing commas, but I’m not so sure. For example, I’ve read in my grammar books that commas should be placed between compound sentences, but there were times you didn’t.
Anyway, I’m done. =)) Off to the next Chap, Ate Pink!


~~ Puppets ♥