The Decoy Dream

10 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 10397
Reviews 93
This is my first new story in awhile and my first post on this website (: hope you like it!
~Meaghan~

I stood outside of my summer home, enjoying one of the late July nights. The atmosphere was a comfortable perfection of summer weather mixed with a sea breeze. With the light fabric of my skirt, the slightest current would pick the skirt up into the wind. I giggled when my hair carried itself elegantly along the wind current as well. As I stood in front of the sunset, my silhouette became a dark contrast against the vibrant colors of a fading sun.

Soaking in the sunset, I savored the moment as best as I could. I sat down in the sand and looked off into the distance where the water mirrored the sky. A few minutes passed and from behind me I heard a small murmur. But as I turned, I could not see anyone amongst the sandy stones and houses. There were no footsteps in the sand besides my own, so without a second thought, I went back to my sky-gazing. In a matter of ten minutes the sky that had a enchanting sun kissed glow was over swept by a sparkling cobalt color.

Everything around me was perfect, just like I had always imagined it to be. The beautiful shining full moon was in its most admired state. Like a guardian angel the moon over saw the sea, adding a glossy coating of moonlight over the sea. Even so, I could barely tell where the night started and the sea ended on the horizon. With many twinkling stars over head, I had set up the perfect love scene. But I couldn't help but feel a twinge of sadness as I looked beside me and saw an empty seat. I was truly alone.

I wiggled my toes in the sand, still focused on the sight overhead. A bright star shot across the scene and I tightened my eyes, wishing for my dream come true. When I opened my eyes, I imagined that my reverie had come true. I looked around the deserted beach, searching for that attractive body of my dream man. My eyes had mapped out the surrounding area in front of me, but not a soul was seen for miles.
I let out a sigh.

Before the sigh had escaped too far from my vocals, I received a slight tap on my shoulder. I turned my head to see, upon my surprise, that handsome boy I had been looking for.
"I thought you'd never come," were the words to first spew out of my mouth. His sudden appearance had made me tongue tied.
He simply smiled and held out his hand to help me up out of the sand. I accepted and upon standing, he pulled me up into his embrace. I gave him a pearly smile with a luminescence identical to the moon overhead. His eyes scintillated amongst the starlight. I became overwhelmed in a rush emotion from the sight.

We broke out of a warm embrace when he took my hand and led me to the tides of the water. I chuckled softly as my feet tumbled across the mushy sand bed. I looked out to sea, seeing a distorted reflection of sparkles staring back at me. I shivered in the allure of the water. My handsome dream boy felt my abnormal body movement and looked back, smiling at my silliness. My heart did a back flip at his beauty.

"Where are you taking me?" I called out to him. He was steps ahead of me and our hands were still clasped together. I was left at the end of our two person formation. He did a quick glance over his shoulder and grinned.
I was still stumbling along, pondering our destination, when he started to slow down. I stood up on my toes and peeked over his shoulder to see where he had brought me. The final result left me astounded.

He had discovered a small hill in the corner of the seaside area. This hill overlooked the whole beach in all of it's glory. And to top it all off, sitting in the middle of our hill was a swing set. It was not an elaborate swing set, it was just placed upon the hill for children's amusement as the little ones grew bored of being in the sun and the sand. But at night this spot was completely transformed into something magnificent. The moon above appeared to be shining directly on the one special spot, but I dismissed it to be a figment of my imagination. My dream man lead me to the peak of our tiny hill and motioned for me to sit on the swing.

I sat down and took a deep breath, admiring the ravishing sight that surrounded us on this perfect night. From our hill the beauty of the beach was amplified. But I could not focus on my surroundings like I was minutes ago. All I could think about was his face, radiating in the moonlight, making his eyes a shockingly luminous color. It stunned me, I had never seen a vivid pair of eyes. I turned to greet him, hoping to catch a glimpse of the bright eyes peering into my own. But at that very moment, he started to push me upon the little swing set.

I giggled as a child-like spirit came over me. I felt like I had been reverted back to a time when I was ten years old. The sounds of my merriment reverberated on the waves, creating a symphony of seaside sounds accompanied with lyrical laughter. I had a pure childish love overflowing my heart for a beautiful stranger. And whenever the beautiful stranger pushed me higher on the swing, the moon followed and illuminated my sight in an eerie way. But I didn't mind.

While swinging on the swing set, I leaned my head back to watch the golden speckles blur, contrasting with the royal blue sky. I had silenced all of my thoughts as I gazed into the beauty of the sky because no one (no, not even myself) could interrupt the scene I was witnessing.
But one thought managed to slip through the cracks.

The thought concealed a clandestine action between the two souls lurking the beach. Could it be completed with consent from both individuals? I wasn't sure. But unless fully communicated vocally, no one will never find out how a person feels. But isn't that apart of love, not fully knowing what one is thinking and being okay with it? It's the spontaneity that draws you in, an amazing feeling of not knowing what will happen next. Sometimes the unknown thoughts will bother a lover, but yet again, it's all apart of this big never-ending game lovers play. So at times like these, go with your gut feeling, and if the other individual doesn't have mutual thoughts, then it wasn't meant to be.

So I followed my advice and leaned my head backwards. From a snapshot point of view, it would appear as I was looking up at the night sky. But in reality, I was trying to parallel our faces.

Waiting for the downfall of the swing took longer then expected. Everything seemed to be in slow motion and I hated the feeling. I had shuttered in excitement as I closed my eyes and waited for the moment.
But the moment never came. I opened my eyes, confused. I looked to see only sand all around.
There was no swing underneath me.
There was no hill for miles.
There was no enchanting boy waiting for me.

I stood up from the sand and started to skim across the beach with my eyes, searching for a man who I had just seen seconds ago. Everything seemed so real, I could still remember the way his eyes pierced into mine as we embraced. Such scenes could not be a delusion of my own imagination, I could never envision someone so lifelike. I was so perplexed by the situation that I started to desperately look for signs of his existence.

As I did so, the waves became rough and started to heavily crash onto the beach. Winds grew faster than before, whipping my hair into my face. It seemed as if the weather had grown angry with the recent situations. Or maybe it was just as confused as I. Looking to the sky, I searched for answers within the luminescence of the moon. But the sky was pitch black. The full moon disappeared, along with the twinkling stars that went with it. The once beautiful scene had been shattered along with my interpretation of an infallible love.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 11486
Reviews 25
I love your story! I might sound like an ELA teacher but it has nice use of adjectives and discripsions! I was completly absorbed into the story as if it was my favorite book! You should write more! Message me when you do! I can not wait to hear more of your creative works! I could never write as good as you! please review my story! it's called A new home, A new love in the romantic fiction section! thank you for making my day! :D :) :wink: :!:
Be yourself
And no one else
dance to the beat
and loose control
Never forget who you are
Be an unforgettable shining star*




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3888
Reviews 763
Hi Meaghan!


This is a really good story. If you had given a different title, not suggesting the dream, it would have been nicer. That's a random thought of mine, you may forget it! :D

As I stood in front of the sunset, my silhouette became a dark contrast against the vibrant colors of a fading sun.
Well, I think it's little hard for someone to realize that their position is a silhouette.
I giggled as a child-like spirit came over me.
I think 'laughed' or its equivalent would be a better choice of word.

DESCRIPTION: I like your description of the setting and the environment, but you could have given a little more on the guy. You should play around your MC's emotions a little more.

CHARACTERS: I like your MC's character and is developed quite well. You could do with a bit of improvement for the guy.

PACING: I think the story ran a little too fast. You need to slow down a bit. The beginning is fine, you run in the dream, your end is fine. So make sure you have an even pace.

Keep up the good work!
Cheers,
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1639
Reviews 261
Hi there! Welcome to YWS! I'm Mr.Knightley, and I'm here to review your work. Let's go... :P

Well, I'm not quite sure what to make of this. If the ending had been different, I would have said your descriptions tend to be a little common and overused. It all seemed a little self-indulgent (from the narrator's point of view), and I dislike that. :/ However, at the end you reveal it all as a lie or a figment of her imagination, and it makes up for the rest in a way. I suppose it gives the meat of your story an excuse to be cliched and expected. Not to say that it's a bad thing! I mean, if someone was imagining a perfect scenario, of course it would be like this! It's just I was thinking throughout the whole thing that what was happening was real, and then you threw me off... It's confusing to me.

I can't see how that's supposed to help at all, but feel free to PM me if you need anything! :D

-Knightley
"You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same."

Lady Gaga




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 83957
Reviews 1464
Hiya, Sodypop! (Nickname? I think so. ;D)

This was really cool! It's a really cool idea, and you've written this story so well! I don't really have anything big to point out. This was well-written and wrapped together so nicely!

Title

I don't think the current title of this ("The Decoy Dream") is appropriate for a neat story like this. It sounds rather amateur compared to the gem hidden behind it (that is, the story). Perhaps find a more meaningful name? Maybe use "The Swing Set" or "Dream Boy" or something a little more tight-knit? "The Decoy Dream" seems too general of a title, but pointing out something small and significant I think would help bring out the meaningfulness (lawl, suffixes) of this piece.

Dream Boy

Now at first, I didn't like him at all. 'Cause he didn't talk and was completely cliche. Then I realized, at the end, that it was a dream! But I still think he would say some cheesy romance words? Maybe I'm too realistic to imagine daydreams like this, but I think the MC would be creeped out of a guy just dragged her into the ocean, no matter how hawt he was! At least do some cheesy introductions, kiss the hand, or whatever you can think of. xD

----

That's really all I can suggest? You write very lovely, especially for not having done so in a while. I wish I could have mad skillz like yours! Haha, if you have any questions or wish for another review on anything, don't hesitate to send me a PM. I'm more than happy to help. ;D

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 19733
Reviews 351
Hey! Alright, I'm not big on romance, but this was cute. My favorite part was your description of the beach and sunset in the beginning. It was very real, to me at least. I recommend you read this over a few times, it has lots of easily catchable mistakes. I also agree with Jabber. If you're going to make this cliche, go whole-hog (tee-hee)and just spew bundles of clicheness everywhere. Like my advice there? Spew a lot, and keep writing! Oh, one last thing. You might wanna split this into two parts, really long posts sometimes detract people from reading them.

--Dreamy
Honey, you should see me in a crown.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 11393
Reviews 113
Hey Sodapop!

Just thought I'd drop in for a quick review! :D

I absolutely love this! Especially this paragraph:
He had discovered a small hill in the corner of the seaside area. This hill overlooked the whole beach in all of it's glory. And to top it all off, sitting in the middle of our hill was a swing set. It was not an elaborate swing set, it was just placed upon the hill for children's amusement as the little ones grew bored of being in the sun and the sand. But at night this spot was completely transformed into something magnificent. The moon above appeared to be shining directly on the one special spot, but I dismissed it to be a figment of my imagination. My dream man lead me to the peak of our tiny hill and motioned for me to sit on the swing.

It seems to take out some of the cliche-ness. Lol.

The only thing I think you could improve on is the Dream Boy, I agree with Jabber, he's cool and all, especially for a dream, but he needs a little more to him. Make him a little more real. :D

I love the description in this, it really made me feel what was going on.

Great work, PM me if you write more, or have any questions. xD

~Mo.
Mo. was here. :) mwahahaha




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 30278
Reviews 482
Hey there Sodapop! I'm Hawk, and I'm here for a review! I should mention, romance isn't really my genre, so please take into account that I tend to prefer long, epic battle scenes compared to kissing scenes and whatnot. ;)

Now, onto the story!

At first, it all seemed rather clichéd, as said above, but the ending was perfect to shake things up. Your descriptions were good; I had no problems whatsoever picturing the scenery. However, one thing I would like is a more detailed description of the Dream boy; what's his hair and eye color, what's his body frame, little things like that. After all, when I think about a guy, I usually have a really clear picture of him (gah, I hope this doesn't sound weird).

So, overall, well done! I'm not sure if you're planning on taking this piece any farther, but what you've got here is beautiful. :D Feel free to PM me if you've got any questions!
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 10397
Reviews 93
thank you all very much, I have taken into account everything and it was quite helpful. I intended for the dream boy to be a bit mysterious, see the Main Character doesn't know anything about him either, so I wanted him to be as general as I could. However, I agree I need to describe him a bit better. I had him described in an earlier version but I cut it out because I didn't want to confine him to particular attributes.

I am planning on writing more, I just need to get a good "flow" because I realized the second chapter was turning out to be a bore compared to this one.

I named it The Decoy Dream (orignally intended to be Dreams but because I am unsure about making a second chapter, I changed it to Dream) because I was planning to base the story off of a series of different dreams the main character has about the same dream boy.

thank you so much for the feedback everyone! I really appreciate it!!
I hope you like the stars I stole for you,
One hundred million twinkle lights in neon blue.
I'll be the brightest,
You'll see!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4134
Reviews 61
Hi there! LPR at you request! Oooh. Rocky likes. Muchly! I adore the way you describe the scene, without it sounding like a total information dump. Your use of adjectives is astounding! I have never read anything like this, it truly is magnificent! Please continue to write this! And, PM me when you post more! 8)

Nitpicks:

I let out a sigh.
I would beef-up this sentence a bit. Something like: 'I let out a sigh of despair.' Or the like.

Likes:

I giggled as a child-like spirit came over me. I felt like I had been reverted back to a time when I was ten years old. The sounds of my merriment reverberated on the waves, creating a symphony of seaside sounds accompanied with lyrical laughter. I had a pure childish love overflowing my heart for a beautiful stranger. And whenever the beautiful stranger pushed me higher on the swing, the moon followed and illuminated my sight in an eerie way. But I didn't mind.
I LOVE this paragraph!

Other than that. I am truly in La-la land now!
Star light; star bright,
It is time to take flight.
Off I go through the dark of night.
All my hopes and dreams in sight.



Noelle, you can lead a writer to their computer and give them coffee, but you can't make them write.
— CowLogic