First Love

"Miranda please!" My older sister's irritatingly perky voice brought me back down to earth with a thump. I was trying to forget about the reason she was here. "I'm asleep, go away!" I yelled trying everything to get out of it. "But you always come to one of my games." "I'll go next time." I said.
"You can't go next time this is the last football game."
"Fine, I'll be out in a second."
I got out of bed and pulled a black sweater over my tee; I looked over my fish nets and black mini, there was no way me and my sister were related.

When I walked out my sister looked me over. I looked her over she had her cheer leading outfit on, her blond hair was in a pony tail that went down her back and her light blue eyes shined with excitement. "You know you might get a boy friend if you would let me dress you and stop wearing black all the time."
"And why do I need a boy friend?"
"Cause guys are awesome."
"Boys are just smelly and gross." I said as I passed her to get to the mirror.
"Trust you wouldn't think that if you had one, and you like Josh and he's a boy."
"Not like that I like him as a brother, and he's great, all the other guys not so much." I looked at myself in the mirror my blond hair was to my shoulders and my dark blue eyes was dull.
"Yeah he is great isn't he? You just gonna find your perfect boy, but you never will in the house."
"I go to school."
"That's not what I mean."
"Look I'm going please don't push it."
"Fine, i won't but if you ever need anything just call OK?"
"OK."
"Did you want Jake or Sadie to come tonight?"
"They can't family night."
"Oh OK."
Jake and Sadie was the twins down the street from us. They're my best friends but they're home schooled, and their mother teaches them most at night.

We got in the car and Kelcey drove to Josh's house. Josh gave her a quick kiss and got in the front seat. Josh was tall and had intense navy eyes. His light brown hair was cut just above his eyes. He was the perfect guy if you like that type. He was the quarterback on the football team, and was dating my sister the head cheerleader.

When we got to the football game the stands were packed. I hate that about this town everyone gets so worked up about football like it's something great. "OK Miranda I have to go, but I'll see you at half time. Will you be OK?"
"I'll be fine."
"Bye Miranda." Josh said smiling nervously
"You'll do fine Josh." I said.
"You think so cause my hand is asleep and I can't even think."
"Yes you will."
"Thanks, I'll make a touch down for you."
"Your welcome, have fun."
"We will, keep safe."
"Aways do."

I went and got a coke and found a seat next to an old couple. The game started, everyone cheered as the players ran onto the field, I stayed in my seat and got more then a couple weird looks. The other team, Nick High, came on the field and a couple claps went out. Josh came out first, he waved I waved back. Five minutes into the game Josh scored a touch down he looked over at me and smiled.I stood up and cheered the score was 12 to 0.

At half time I went to go see Josh and Kelcey. "Nice throw." I said to Josh. "Thanks, I told you I'd make one for you."
"So you did."
The intercom came on and a women in a bored voice said, "Miranda Miller and Tony Cooper please come to the field."
"What?" shocked I looked up at Kelcey.
"I kinda put your name in the drawing."
"For what?"
"I don't know but you get to do something."

Hi xemoxwriterx I'm a little confused!

I take it this is part of something much bigger that you have wrote, I'm pretty sure that you can edit this to add to it although I'm new here and not too sure how!

If you do post more please PM me and I will be more than happy to read all of it

All the best,

Jesse

Hello there, I'm Eddie and I'm going to have a stab at reviewing this for you today.

xemoxwriterx wrote:Kelcey shouted from the outside of my door as I laid awake trying to forget about the reason my older sister was here.

This is a long sentence, I would suggest re-wording it slight and adding in commas to break up the text, or maybe..
My older sister's irritatingly perky voice brought me back down to earth with a thump. I was trying to forget about the reason she was here.

"I'm asleep, go away!" I yelled trying everything to get out of it. "But you always come to one of my games." "I'll go next time." I said. "You can't go next time this is the last football game." "Fine, I'll be out in a second."

The sibling banter is nice here, although I would suggest starting a new line everytime a new person speaks, as to me it looks slightly jumbled and can get confusing.

I got out of bed and pulled a black sweater over my tee; I looked over my fish nets and black mini, there was no way me and my sister was related.

This is one of my favourite lines, just one small grammar nitpick and thats 'were related' instead of was.

"You know you might get a boy friend if you would let me dress you and stop wearing black all the time." "And why do I need a boy friend?" "Cause guys are awesome." "Boys are just smelly and gross." I said as I passed her to get to the mirror. "Trust you wouldn't think that if you had one, and you like Josh and he's a boy." "Not like that I like him as a brother, and he's great, all the other guys not so much." I looked at myself in the mirror my blond hair was to my shoulders and my dark blue eyes was dull. "Yeah he is great isn't he? You just gonna find your perfect boy, but you never will in the house." "I go to school." "That's not what I mean." "Look I'm going please don't push it." "Fine, i won't but if you ever need anything just call OK?" "OK."

Again its just the same as before, try starting a new line for every new line of speech.

We got in the car and Kelcey drove to Josh's house. Josh gave her a quick kiss and got in the front seat. Josh was tall and had the darkest blue eyes ever. His light brown hair was cut just above his eyes. He was the perfect guy if you like that type. He was the quarterback on the football team, and was dating my sister the head cheerleader. They along with Sadie and Jake was my only friends. Jake and Sadie is the twins down the road from me, when I first learned to walk I walked to their house on accident but they are homed schooled.

Woah there, slow down Nelly! This could be a nice bit of description you just need to slow it down and add in a few commas. Think about dragging out the details more, rather than him having 'the darkest blue eyes ever' think about changing that for 'intense navy eyes' or something along those lines if you'd like. I didn't even realise you were introducing two new characters 'Jake and Sadie' it was that fast. I can't stress enough the importance of details.

All in all this was a nice start, the relationship between the two sisters is interesting. I'd like to see how that develops. Good luck!

xo

Right off I was confused about this. I think a lot of it was you have a lot of non-sequiturs, that is, a statement that doesn't lead into the next. For instance, the narrator describes her clothes and then says there's no way she and her sister are related. Why? This would work better if there were a comparison, though that would still be a bit sloppy as you'd be kind of just injecting description into it, while it would be better to spread it out.

Keep working at it, though! The only way to get better is to keep writing, after all.