The Inch - The Full Story - Chapter 3

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The Inch

The ball was over, and I was standing near the hall’s main door, which was where the guests took their exit. My mind was occupied with staring at the elegance of the chandeliers above until I heard a familiar voice.

“Happy birthday, Elina,” greeted Elina’s father as he handed an average-sized box covered in lovely pink-patterned gift wrap to her.

“Thanks, father!” said Elina happily, giving her father a big hug with a huge smile. “I thought you’ve already forgotten!”

“You’re hyperbolic!” said Elina’s father, “I would never forget my daughter’s birthday.”

Then, out of nowhere, an elegant and beautiful woman who was almost as tall as Elina’s father suddenly spoke.

“Happy birthday, dear!” said the woman to Elina, giving her most joyful grin as possible. She kissed Elina in the cheek as she spoke. The latter and the woman giggled in unison.

“My present’s in the same box,” she added, pointing the said box with her left hand in a casual way. That revealed that she was wearing stylish white gloves, amplifying the elegance she already had.

That simply gave me the thought that she is Elina’s mother, no one else could have been. Besides, she looked like Elina.

“Thanks, mom,” said Elina. That just confirmed my theory.

“You made me nervous with the commotion you had onstage,” said Elina’s mother.

“I couldn’t have taken that seriously, dear,” replied Mr. Chancellight; I just thought I should start addressing them that way.

“So…where is that good-looking man you were with, Elina?” asked Mrs. Chancellight with the obvious sound of inquiry.

Elina sighed. “He is just behind you, mother!” she told nonchalantly.

“Oh,” I exclaimed in surprise for being unexpectedly involved in the conversation I was just listening to.

“I’m Ha” – I cleared my throat – “Haniel Riddenwood,” I introduced myself with a formal bow.

“Pleased to meet you,” bowed Mrs. Chancellight courteously.

Chapter 3 – Clair de Lune

Ever since that fortunate violin performance last year, I had always heard about the royal people wanting me to perform again for them. Unluckily, I had barely learned any songs to play on the violin.

“You’ll be playing again!” shouted Elina as she came barging behind me into the horse fields.

I just finished playing Tambourine that sunny day. That piece had always pleased the horses around me. It was the only song I know how to play on the violin other than Canon in D, although, I had been planning on learning Dutch Dance soon. Then, a question popped into my mind, How many songs does Elina know how to play on the piano?

“Say what?” I spoke with my evident tone of surprise, still sitting with my legs crossed. My head was just turned to catch a sight of Elina.

“Play that song!” Elina shouted again.

“You know,” I began, “You keep losing manners every year.”

However, she remained oblivious.

“Play that song you were just playing!” Elina continued shouting.

“Okay! Okay! Whatever it is you requested,” I stubbornly replied.

“Besides, I don’t know any other song,” I added, finally tilting my sitting position towards her.

“Really?” doubted Elina in bewilderment, her scowl was obvious on her face.

I snubbed and asked as I looked down on my violin, “When will I be playing?”

I tried to look confident in front of Elina. Her simple white skirt just continued to wave as the winds continued to blow.

“This afternoon,” she spoke like she was losing all her excitement.

I was caught off-guard, “This afternoon!?” I stressed the first word.

“Yes,” her smile was returning, “So get ready, okay?”

Then, she glided away from the fields into nowhere.

“What a disaster!” I exclaimed to myself.

- - - ♥ - - -


I had time to dress up properly for that occasion – Coat and tie – compared to my black polo the year before. I was able to equal myself with the other guests at the party, at least.

I, once again, saw the hall – The huge banquet hall where I and Elina entered from the backdoor; the ever-grand hall where red carpets and classy chandeliers always caught everyone’s attention. The white-clothed tables looked whiter than ever and they were arranged in a circular pattern, and the walls were filled with numerous wonderful paintings. I was seated in one of the first tables, acting so timidly with all those rich strangers sitting beside me. Meanwhile, the Chancellights were all chatting joyously in the table beside us, in their own elegant ways.

I was still admiring the hall when I suddenly heard the sound of a piano. It must have been Elina. And yes, it was Elina, looking lovely as she pressed the keys on the white grand piano gently. They were astounding! - Both Elina and the piano. I have never seen such a piano before, and I never heard the piece Elina was playing until that time. Clair de Lune was the title according to one of the guests that was seated in the same table as I was. The music was enticing, and the tempo and mood shifts were undeniably amazing.

Everyone was quiet as Elina played the piece perfectly; carrying her audience with the breeze of musical notes she was creating. The piece was unnoticeably long, for every second of the piece was worth listening. Hands clapped as the finale was played, flawless as it really was. The Chancelights’ hands were most graceful and beautiful.

Nearly everybody stood up in such an instance I wasn’t able to predict. I humiliated myself for standing last and in an awful manner. I even heard some of the ladies at the opposite direction laugh. Then, the people started pairing up – boys and girls, gents and ladies. There were barely anyone left in their seats. Elina suddenly popped up and called my name.

“Haniel,” she said calmly, handing my precious bow and violin.

I slowly took it with both of my hands, of course, and limped onto the stage automatically like a robot. The stage didn’t feel so high that time like it did the first time I stood there. I saw Mrs. Chancellight mouth to her daughter the words ‘prim and proper’. Finally, I put the bow on my violin and pulled it down. Surprisingly, pairs moved into dancing positions, causing me to keep on playing that one long note. After a few seconds, I began to pull myself back from the shock. I moved the bow up and down again, embarrassed by the unchanging sound of my violin.

On and on, I continued playing the happy tune and when I reached the first bridge, the pairs stepped in a slow, circular motion. That made me notice who Elina was dancing with, despite the necessity that I had to keep looking at my violin. He looked more decent and good-looking than I was, and he had grace and poise – things ‘stable boys’ don’t normally have. I felt strange, and my senses were numbed, especially my ears. I hardly heard what I was playing then. I was thinking that I felt jealous and insecure. Stupid thoughts came to my mind: I am Elina’s closest friend! I should be the one dancing with her!

My senses came back to me and unconsciously, I started playing harder. My arms were shaking in some sort of anger. Jealousy, insecurity, and annoyance, were what I identified to be what I was feeling that moment. I decided to stop looking at Elina and her partner. Then, there was the ending of the piece. Everyone danced like they were experts or like they knew the piece. I made no mistake. But nothing was going to keep me from feeling what I was feeling. I bowed down to the people for the sake of courteousness. I was hardly breathing, keeping my emotions inside. I hated it.
Last edited by Caerulean on Sat Apr 30, 2011 4:56 pm, edited 23 times in total.




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Aww...no replies/reviews...Anyways, it might take some time before I get the chance to make he fourth chapter. Till next time, adieu!
“(...) and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” - Gandalf, The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring




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I really like this story. Very well written and very intertaining. I only found one nitpick that showed out of the crowd:
And yes, it was Elina, looking lovely as she pressed the keys on the white Grand Piano gently.

You really shouldn't begin a sentance with "And."
I think that if you just removed the "And" you would be fine.

Keep on writing, can't wait to read the next! :)
Write on.




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I reallly like this story! I can't wait to read more! Everything looks good to me, but maybe I'm wrong...so maybe you should re-read your work to make sure everything is good. Well, I absolutely love this story and I love Elina she seems so sweet and innocent. Please PM when you post the next chapter! Can't wait to read more!
"I'm yet happy and sad at the same time and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." -Stephen Chbosky




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You... you described so well what he was feeling on stage... that I felt it and I imagine it :smt002 !! You rock at writing!
Noob is a state of being, not a length of time. ~Ego

"Serás del tamaño de tus pensamientos; no te permitas fracasar."




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Hi, Whisperer. Sorry it took me so long to get around to this chapter—I had to take and extended hiatus from YWS because of all my senior year work. XD But now I’m back, and I’ll gladly help you out. :D

Well, this was a pretty nice chapter, all and all. Once again, I really like how music is the thing that ties Elina and Haniel together, I think it adds something to their relationship. It seems like most of the time, inn romances, the leads just don’t have any sort of connection besides her being pretty and him being handsome or whatever, so it was nice to see this story where they have something significant in common.

Haniel has a lot of character development in this chapter, I think—I’m really growing closer to him as the narrator and as the person whose eyes I’m going to be seeing through throughout the rest of this story. I liked the fact that he’s shown to be struggling with things like how he isn’t as well-dressed as the other people at Elina’s party, or his jealousy of the other guy who’s dancing with Elina—these things show some internal conflict and insecurity, which I think makes him a more interesting character and is also a bit more realistic. After all, it’s implied that Elina is very wealthy and Haniel’s family is… not so much, so it’s likely that he would struggle with feelings that he’s not equal to her and her family. I enjoy reading from his perspective a lot—he seems like a sincere, sensitive person, and his relationship with Elina is really adorable.

Heck, Elina herself it adorable. I love her whimsical attitude and her cheerfulness, she sounds like the kind of person who would be genuinely fun to be around. I can see why Haniel loves her so much, she’s a real sweetheart. I like how she seems to be pulling Haniel out of his shell a bit by coaxing him to perform at her party, and how they seem to be able to just be friends and joke around with each other. I think it shows that there really is love between them, not just shallow infatuation. I also just love how Haniel notices all these little details about her like her dresses, it’s not excessive description, but it shows that he really is thinking about her.

The only thing I would suggest is to maybe take a look at your dialogue tags. You use a lot of “uttered,” “greeted,” et cetera, and it sounds a little awkward. Honestly, it’s usually just best to use “said.” You might think said is kind of a boring word, but that’s the idea—it’s invisible. If you just use “said,” it’s easy for the reader to just move on to who said it. Strange dialogue tags like “uttered” kind of trip the reader up.

Otherwise, this is a really sweet, enjoyable chapter, and I’d be glad to keep on reading it (for real this time XD). This has the makings of a really great story with lovely characters amid a gentle, peaceful pace, and I’d love to find out where it’s taking me. See you soon. ^___^
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

Hey, how about a free review?




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Thanks for reading and commenting, Zankoku :D. I really appreciate it :D. Anyway, I changed some of the verbal words to 'said' to reduce the so-much-being-descriptive thingy lol. I hope it turned out fine :). Again, thank you, including all the other reviewers. :D

P.S.
I'm thinking of having 'The Inch' printed/published so I really need and appreciate reviews before I finally get to print it XD
Last edited by Caerulean on Wed Aug 11, 2010 3:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“(...) and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” - Gandalf, The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring




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Hey, Whisper! It is I, again.
Here to review the next chapter.
Okay, I'm sorry but I can't help myself. I must nit-pick! Don't worry, it's not much ;) You can shoot me later!

I heard a familiar voice spoke.

I'd cut out he spoke. It is present tense too and you're writing past, correct?

“You know,” I began, “You keep losing manners every year.”

Okay, I was about to comment on how rude Elina had become but it seems you already knew it! Hah! :D

The white-clothed tables looked whiter than ever, and the walls were filled with numerous paintings. I was seated in one of the first tables. The Chancellights’ table were just next to the table I was seated. Also, the tables were arranged in a circular pattern, leaving a huge space at the center.

I've noticed that explain things and at the end, add "Also, this and that"
Instead of doing that, it sounds a bit unprofessional so I would go back and provide the full description and then state whatever action your character does.
for example:
The white-clothed tables were arranged in a circular pattern, leaving a huge space in the center. The walls were filled with numerous paintings and a beautiful classy chandelier dangled from the ceiling. I walked across the red carpet, taking a seat next to to the table the Chancellights were seated.
It flows much better this way :)

*****

Overall
First, I'll comment on the characters. I'm so glad you gave us more depth into Haniel's character and I can totally relate to him now. He's more deeper than in the first chapter and I applaud thee for that ;) Next, Elina, she (in my mind) is still a fuzzy. Maybe because she doesn't get much screen time but I still think her character is a little goofy and sometimes confusing. This chapter was a major improvement from the second chapter, honestly. I was like, whoa, this is so much better! I love the ending, I mean I feel so sorry for Haniel but it was a twist, in a way. I didn't think that was coming just yet. Great job on getting a plot started.
Btw, I had been meaning to ask you a question. With all the music and stuff in here, do you perhaps play an instrument or listen to classic music? They way you described the sounds and stuff made me feel like there was connection between you and the music, is that true?
I'm on to the next chapter! I might get that done by this afternoon or something...
Cheers,

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham



Between living and dreaming there is a third thing. Guess it.
— Antonio Machado