Young Writers Society

I pulled the purple petunia from the ground and held it to my nose. Inhaling deeply I was satisfied. Love. My love. It had felt so good to hear those words escaping from his lips. I was like a butterfly. Trapped. Trapped in his net of love.
I held Joel's photograph in my finger's, his laughing blue eye's glistened in the sunlight, and his curly blonde hair was blowing in a circle around his head. And his smile. Oh his smile, was gleaming in the sunlight. He was perfect. And he was mine.
I held my hand up and examined the gleaming diamond ring that sat upon it. I saw my tiny reflection in it. I frowned, he thought I was the prettiest girl in the world. Wrong. My dark brown eyes were always frowning, and my long blonde hair made myself look like a celebrity. I had a thousand freckles dotting my face. I was lucky to have him, it was his unluckiness to have me.
I sat up in the dewy grass and grabbed my phone from my pocket. Call his number, not Taylor's. I thought as I dialed. "Hello?" I said as soon as I heard Joel's answer.
"Babe, I told you not to call me yet. I'll be there in a few minutes. Just be patient." His voice was raspy and sounded irritated.
"Have you been drinking again?" I asked, my voice rising.
"No, but you did just wake me up from my nap." A click sounded and I knew he hung up on me. He didn't love me, he just didn't.
Ten minutes I waited for him and finally he arrived. His eyes were smiling and he looked excited. "Babe, I have great news! I've got front row seats to the Metz game! Isn't that exciting? I've only got to tickets so you can't come. Oh babe-" he started, but I cut him off.
"First off, my name is not Babe. What do you think I am, the pig from that movie? You claim you love me and want to marry me, so call me by my real name. Which is Jamie. Okay, is that to much to ask, and secondly you have two tickets. So I think that is perfect for a date. And if you would rather just ignore me and go to the game with Jim. Then take this ring and leave me alone."
"Jamie, that's a little harsh. We've only been engaged for two weeks." Joel pleaded. His blue eyes welled up with tears as he placed a hand on my shoulder.
"Joel, don't pretend you don't know. We have been in at least seventeen fights over something stupid these last few days. And I don't trust you right now. You look like you've just gotten out of bed, and look, you have a huge hickey on your neck that I didn't give you. Are you cheating on me? If you are just remove my ring from my finger and find some way home. I know somebody drove you here, but just walk. I want to see mister rich guy walking in new flats. Tell me the truth Joel." I said not feeling any emotion in this loser. What did I see in him? Oh yeah, I remembered, he was charming and nice last week. It seems as if he has been transformed.
Joel walked up to me and slid the ring off my finger. "I'm sorry," he murmured as a great tear rolled down his pale face, "I'm so sorry," With a peck on the cheek he turned on his heel and vanished from sight. Feeling the warmth left from his lips I turn to my house as the cool autumn breeze whipped my skirt.
*******

"I'm an idiot," I said aloud as I turned on Small Street, "Why would I cheat on Jamie?" Only a mile or two left until I reach my house, I thought shaking. I watched my breath as it formed small clouds in the air with every breath I puffed. I heard dozens of cars zoom by and heard a booming voice ask me "Hey buddy, do you need a ride?" I turned and saw a small taxi perched on the side of the road.
"Yes," I hollered running up to the car. The roads cleared up as they started the engine.
"So, how about we make this easy. Give us your money and we won't shoot you, refuse and well, there will be consequences." The man in the passenger seat said as he pointed a gun to my head.
"I-I don't have any money," I stuttered pulling of my gold wrist watch and handing it to them, "I hope this works. It's worth a lot of money." The goons seemed satisfied with it and pulled it from me. I sprang from the car and ran to the nearest phone booth. My first thought was, call Jamie. Tell the truth.
I dialed her numbers quickly and heard the phone ring. Drat, voice mail. I thought. "Hey Jamie, this is Joel. I was calling to apologize, and tell you that I love you. I am telling you this because I am about to die. I'm sorry, I feel so terrible I-" The gun fired and I felt a sharp pain in my chest as I fell to the ground. This is the end, I thought sadly as everything began to fade.

Hi Cassie!

I like to get right to the general problems I see and then I'll give you an overall rating. I'm not going to really get into grammar, even though I've been known to be a chronic nit picker

my long blonde hair made myself look like a celebrity.

This part of the sentence is a bit awkward. Is having hair like a celebrity bad?

I was lucky to have him, it was his unluckiness to have me.

Another awkward sentence. I don't know what you had in mind when you wrote this sentence, but is the last part really necessary? The fact that she feels she doesn't deserve Joel comes through pretty clearly without that last part. But of course, that's just my opinion.

"No, but you did just wake me up from my nap." A click sounded and I knew he hung up on me. He didn't love me, he just didn't.

I feel that happened rather suddenly. How does she suddenly know he doesn't love her? It seems a bit random. Sure, the fact that Joel hung up on her was rude, but still that's a pretty big leap.

"First off, my name is not Babe. What do you think I am, the pig from that movie? You claim you love me and want to marry me, so call me by my real name. Which is Jamie. Okay, is that to much to ask, and secondly you have two tickets. So I think that is perfect for a date. And if you would rather just ignore me and go to the game with Jim. Then take this ring and leave me alone."

Whoa. That seemed to come out of absolutely no where. Wasn't Jamie just going on about how she was lucky to have Joel? Feelings like that don't just come out of no where. I feel there should have been some mention in the beginning about how Joel sometimes got on Jamie's nerves or something.

"Joel, don't pretend you don't know. We have been in at least seventeen fights over something stupid these last few days. And I don't trust you right now. You look like you've just gotten out of bed, and look, you have a huge hickey on your neck that I didn't give you. Are you cheating on me? If you are just remove my ring from my finger and find some way home. I know somebody drove you here, but just walk. I want to see mister rich guy walking in new flats. Tell me the truth Joel." I said not feeling any emotion in this loser.

Again, whoa. This is obviously a suspicion that's been building up over time. Either that or Jamie's overly jealous, overly paranoid, and a tad bi-polar. This is completely inconsistent with Jamie's little spiel at the beginning.


This is in first person and I have no real sense for your character. This is SO important when you write in first person. I have no clue what's going on in Jamie's head. Why does she snap at Joel all of sudden after going on about how perfect he is?

I also feel there should be more explanation about who Taylor is. Nothing too detailed, just a little bit of info.

When you switch over to Joel's point of view, I feel there should be some kind of indication other than the stars. Maybe his name in bold font? I figured it out, but it could become confusing.

"Hey buddy, do you need a ride?" I turned and saw a small taxi perched on the side of the road.
"Yes," I hollered running up to the car. The roads cleared up as they started the engine.

As far as I know, taxi drivers don't usually ask you if you need a ride. At the very least, Joel should be somewhat suspicious.

The scene with "taxi mugging" was a bit unclear for me. Did Joel ever get in the car? Did the surrounding people notice what was going on? Maybe Joel heard a scream before he died. A shattering of glass? I also felt his death should have been more detailed.

How old are your characters? They are at least eighteen seeing how they were engaged. But your characters don't act older than fourteen. As an adult, Joel should have known a taxi driver offering a ride was suspicious. Why didn't Joel call the police right away, instead of Jamie?

The break up scene needs...well...details. What are Joel's facial expressions? Is Jamie really so cold as to feel nothing at all about the break up?

Just things to think about.

I think with some work, your story could be really good. Starting a story off with a death is always a great way to hook your audience

~Scar

Hiya Cassie! I don't believe we've met; I'm Selene and it's nice to meet you. So let's get onto critiquing, shall we?

Nit-Picks:

I held Joel's photograph in my finger's, his laughing blue eye's glistened in the sunlight, and his curly blonde hair was blowing in a circle around his head. And his smile. Oh his smile, was gleaming in the sunlight. He was perfect. And he was mine.

I held my hand up and examined the gleaming diamond ring that sat upon it. I saw my tiny reflection in it. I frowned, he thought I was the prettiest girl in the world. Wrong. My dark brown eyes were always frowning, and my long blonde hair made myself look like a celebrity. I had a thousand freckles dotting my face. I was lucky to have him, it was his unluckiness to have me.

"Finger's" should be "fingers" in sentence one. Also, when you said "my long blonde hair made myself look like a celebrity it contradicts how she really views herself. She's saying she's not beautiful, so why does her hair look good? "Held" is also repeated twice in the first two lines of each paragraph. Perhaps since she's already holding her hand up she can look at her ring from there.

Call his number, not Taylor's. I thought as I dialed.

Put your thought in italics and join the sentences together with a comma.

"Hello?" I said as soon as I heard Joel's answer.

I would switch out "said" with asked. Also, shouldn't she say her name first? Usually it's the other person who answers hello.

He didn't love me, he just didn't.

That's a pretty bold statement, and I personally think it calls for a bit more explanation. She concludes this from picking up the phone and he's drunk? There should be a bit more depth for

"Babe, I have great news! I've got front row seats to the Metz game!

Change "Metz" to "Met's".

I've only got to tickets so you can't come.

Change "to" to "two".

We have been in at least seventeen fights over something stupid these last few days.

This made me laugh. She's really been counting every fight? "Joel, you're being so mean to me!" ...one... "Joel, stop acting like a drunk!" ...two... "Jamie, you're being too overdramatic!" ...three...

I heard dozens of cars zoom by and heard a booming voice ask me "Hey buddy, do you need a ride?"

Comma after "ask me".

"So, how about we make this easy. Give us your money and we won't shoot you, refuse and well, there will be consequences." The man in the passenger seat said as he pointed a gun to my head.

Woah! That seriously came out of nowhere. Try and ease surprises like that into your story. For example:

"Just as I was about to pull open the cab door the window rolled down a few inches. A gun peaked out, and inside I saw the form of a passenger."

See how that made the flow a little better? He's not just running along, and then bam! he sees a cab with a mugger ready to annihilate him. I'd even add a bit more than that, but you get the idea.

Drat, voice mail. I thought.

Again with the italics and comma.

I am telling you this because I am about to die.

Wait, what? Didn't he get away from the guys? How would he be able to get away and get to the phone in the first place? You need an action scene here, my friend. I want to see some struggle before this guy just happens across a telephone to call his sweet love.

This is the end, I thought sadly as everything began to fade.

You remembered the commas this time, just put in those lovely italics.

Pacing:

I saw that you seemed to rush towards the end. Slow down and reflect on what you've already written before you keep going. It helps with the quality of the story and how it unfolds. If I were you I'd lengthen it or save a lot of this for the next chapter. I love reading long, descriptive chapters, so make it more appealing to your readers in that sense. A story with a solid flow to it is essential to a first chapter, because it has all your readers gobbling it up and wanting more.

Overall:

My best advice is to try to just take breaks when you're writing, because sometimes you and your writing really need a time to get those creative ideas in your mind working right. It's kind of tough when you first start, but it gets a lot easier as you practice.

The drama here started too fringe on too much, and along with your fast pace it was a bit off-putting. Watch out for those clichéd pitfalls when writing romance, because you want to aim for unique but amusing as you write. Try out some new equations in love stories. Why not make the girl love the smell of hickory smoke on a guy? Or your girl is a necrophilist and will end up not letting go of her past after Joel dies. It's your story; make it interesting.

I liked the story overall and hope you write more. Also I hope I wasn't too harsh with my critiquing, :/ If so, I apologize. Please PM me if you have a question or you'd like me to review some more!

~Selene