Young Writers Society


The Daring Heart-Chap. Three

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Should I make this into a novel?

Yes
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No
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**Please read chapter one, "Following Your Heart is Hard To Do" and chapter two, "The Daring Heart-Chap. Two" before reading this one. You certainly can read this one first but you won't know what's going on! As always, please tell me what you think and don't be afraid to tell the truth. Enjoy! :elephant: -Kate**


I stood in the middle of the kitchen, staring at the phone, anxiously waiting for him to call. Surely he hasn’t forgotten? My mind began to wonder back to the day when Joel and I sat in his music room. I had tried to tell him that I wanted to give our relationship a chance before he whipped me off the piano bench and took me to our waterfall. Suddenly, the phone rang a pulled me out of my revere.

“Hello?” I tried to make my voice sound indifferent.

“Hi, ma’m. I was wondering if you would like to try our terrific new product-”

Click.

Just as I was about to storm upstairs and forget the fact that I was suppose to have a date tonight, there was a knock on the door. Anxiety rose inside of me, as I tried suppress the thought that he actually might be here. I peeped out the window, and sure enough it was him. At the sight of Joel my heart began to pound even louder and my palms started sweating. How nice. A ticking heart and wet hands. I opened the door.

“Hello, Kate.” Joel said, holding up a single pink rose.

“Aw, Joel! Thank you.” I smiled up at him, and saw that his eyes were red. I completely forgot about the sweet gift and only wanted to know what was wrong with him.

“I’m glad you like it,” he said, but his voice faltered.

“What’s wrong?” I grabbed the flower, and pulled him inside.

“Nothing. Where are your parents?”

“In the living room. And don’t tell me ‘nothing’. I know something’s wrong.”

“Not now,” he whispered. At that moment, my parents walked in.

“Hello, Joel. How are you doing?” My dad asked, shaking his hand.

“Great.” Lie. “You?”

“Can’t get any better! I thought you were going to call before you came over?”

“I decided to pick her up early and surprise her.” Joel said, but his voice was dull.

“Wonderful. Well, you kids go have fun. Be back before ten-thirty tonight.”

“Will do, sir.”

As we walked to his car, he began to hum my favorite song. Moonlight Sonata.
I listened closely to his voice, and the way he reached from octave to octave with ease. Why was he so musically gifted? He caught me staring at him, and he gave me a little smile that made me frown. Something was definitely wrong.

“Now will you tell me what’s going on?”

“Not now, Kate. Be thinking about where you want to go to dinner.”

We drove in silence for a few moments, until I realized that we weren’t headed towards town.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“To my uncle’s house. I need to pick something up. Is that alright?”

“Yeah, sure.” I studied his face. Something was not right.

When we pulled into the driveway of his uncle’s house, two pit bulls came running out. Their black and white fur was muddy and their snapping jaws were not friendly.

“Stay here. I’ll be right back.” Joel said, as he yelled at the dogs to stay away from his car.

I watched him go inside, and shut the door behind him. Five minutes went by, and he was still inside.

Another five.

Another five.

Another five.

Tired of waiting, I decided to see what was taking so long. I got out of the car, and walked towards the house, shooing the dogs away from me. I knocked on the door, and no one answered. I figured they were just talking and didn’t hear, so I cracked open the door to see Joel’s lifeless body lying at my feet.
"Sometimes it is said that man cannot be trusted with the government of himself. Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others?"

-Thomas Jefferson




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Suddenly, the phone rang a pulled me out of my revere.

I think there is a typo here. and?

Anxiety rose inside of me, as I tried suppress the thought that he actually might be here.

I don't think you need a comma here. When read out aloud, there is no pause.

and sure enough it was him.

What was he wearing? hair color? Have her get excited about his look, because I'm not really sure what he looks like, what his style is. You know?

How nice. A ticking heart and wet hands.

I think you should either switch these two sentences or make them into one sentence.

I completely forgot about the sweet gift and only wanted to know what was wrong with him.

This is worded a little awkward. Try rewording to something like, At the sight of his blood shot eyes, I had forgotten about the sweet gift, only wanting to know the source of his pain. Maybe?

surprise her.” Joel said, but

Comma after her.

I studied his face. Something was not right.

What about it wasn't right? I think you should elaborate on that a bit more.

I’ll be right back.” Joel said,
as he yelled at the dogs to stay away from his car.
Comma after back.

Another five.

Another five.

Another five.

I think you should change this to, Then, another five minutes went by. Then another...and another. Something like that.


Tired of waiting, I decided to see what was taking so long. I got out of the car, and walked towards the house, shooing the dogs away from me. I knocked on the door, and no one answered. I figured they were just talking and didn’t hear, so I cracked open the door to see Joel’s lifeless body lying at my feet.

You're trying to make descriptions, but you aren't quite there yet. You need to talk more about her emotions at these moments. Like the annoyance of having to wait and maybe have her startled when she opened the door before you tell us about the body.

That's all I have for nitpicks. Your story line is moving fast. This is only chapter three? There should be more filler, in my opinion, before the boyfriend dies. If he is dead, or if he is just knocked out...I don't know, you do. And, again in my opinion, I think you should have them talk a little more in the car. But that is up to you. Good luck with part four. Make sure to pm me. It's getting interesting.
"Only love heals. Anger, guilt, and fear can only destroy and separate you from your true capabilities."-Damen




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Thanks, Jayleigh.

I completely agree with you. I started chapter one of this story while I was waiting in the doctors and never thought to continue it. I need to go back and fill it in much more if I continue. I think I am, though. Thank you for your thoughts!

-Kate
"Sometimes it is said that man cannot be trusted with the government of himself. Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others?"

-Thomas Jefferson




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I liked it, alot. You need to write the fourth one soon!! I am anxious to see her reaction.



These were autumn mornings, the time of year when kings of old went forth to conquest; and I, never stirring from my little corner in Calcutta, would let my mind wander over the whole world.
— Rabindranath Tagore, The Cabuliwallah