The Vampires Story Chp.3

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Hi, this is Cassie. I added a little more to Chp.2 in the end, so re-read the end of that chp. to get this one. Thanks, ENJOY!!

I felt every bone in my body crack as I hit the ground. Blood surrounded me everywhere as I tried to stand up. I couldn't move my arm, nor my left leg. But falling from a two story building wasn't the worst, yet. I limped toward my car and grabbed the handle. Drat, I thought, it's locked.
I slid to the pavement and leaned against the car feeling horrible. I looked at the pale sky as morning began to spring up. I shivered in the cool autumn breeze. Oh Andrew, I pleaded in my mind, Why would you do something so stupid? I closed my eyes and waited for morning. My gut said to try to find help, but the walk to my car had worn me out.
I turned to see the front door open and saw Andrew coming towards me. I glared at him and looked away as he picked me up and put me into the car. He got in himself and drove me home. " Why?" I asked the words tasting bitter in my mouth.
"I saved you, so I don't think why would be the correct term. i would prefer a thank you." he said, his eyes locked on the road.
"Why would I thank someone who threw me out of a window?" I asked, my tongue getting weaker.
"Well...." he began.
I placed my hand on my head as I unbuckled my seat belt. "Just leave my car here, I don't care how you get home. Just leave me alone." He climbed out of the car and headed down the street. I limped to my front door and knocked. "Wait Andrew, where's Steven?" I called after him using all my strength.
He turned to me and smiled, "Dead."
I stood. my mouth gaping open as he vanished from sight. "Honey, what happened to you?" my mother asked as she stared at me in awe.
"Oh, I had a fight with Abby's little sister. Grape juice went everywhere." I lied as I stepped into the house.
I stepped up the stairs and got in the shower, careful not to touch the wounds. That's it, I thought to myself, I'm going to stay away from Andrew. No matter what.
I stepped out of the shower and put bandages on my wounds. I bent my hurt leg to see if it was broken. All was good. I walked to my room and threw on some PJ's. I lied in my bed and closed my eyes, dozing off to the the thought of morning. The weekend is almost over.
"Bye mom," I said as I rushed out the door to get to school the next morning. I climbed into the car and pressed my foot on the pedal. Finally, a day I can see my friends and tell them everything, I thought. I steered into the parking lot and climbed out of the car.

I headed towards the auditorium and opened the doors. "Hey, Callie I'm sorry about yesterday it's just.." Andrew began as I brushed past him, "Wait Callie, I won't talk to you just as long as you tell no one about yesterday."
"Yesterday? I'm over you hurting me, but killing your brother that's to far!"
"Callie, he was hungry and he wanted to feed. I had to save you before it was to late. He doesn't like you for you, he likes you for your..." he finished leaving me heartbroken with every word.
"Okay, first you injure me, then you murder your brother, and now you are lying to me?" I said my voice starting to rise.
"Callie, you may not know this but my brother and I have a lot of secrets you don't want to know about. And if you find out, you'll want to forget. I may act like I despise you sometimes, but I don't. It hurts me to see you with Steven, it means his plan is working."
"Andrew, I want to hear more but I can't. I'm so sorry. But your brother, what do you mean about feeding?" I asked.
"Hi Callie!!" I whipped around and saw Steven hovering over me.
"Oh my god!" I screamed as I blacked out.
***
I awoke laying on Andrew's bed with the fire crackling in the corner. I rubbed my neck and felt two marks that were deeply cut. That's strange, I thought, I don't remember getting these marks. I looked out the window and saw that it was mid day. School must still be going on, I thought.
I stood up and walked to the window. I looked down in the grass and saw blood stains from the night before. I shifted and looked at the garden. "Why would you tell Callie that?" I heard Steven yell at Andrew.
"Well, I figured she wanted the truth," Andrew replied to his brother.
"Oh what the heck, I guess I can forgive you. After all, she is delicious." I looked at him as he tilted his head back and began to laugh.
I rushed out of the room and down the stairs. I tried to get out the front door but it was locked. I jiggled the handle and found the door to the garden, looking as if it was my last choice I opened it and sprang out. Andrew and Steven stared at me as I raced towards the street. Almost making it I felt a tug on my shoulders. I spun around and saw Andrew and Steven looking at me. "What are you?" I strangled out.
Last edited by Cassie9960 on Wed Nov 04, 2009 10:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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ATTENTION TO ALL WHO READ THIS< I WENT BACK AND ADDED MORE TO ChP.2. SO RE-READ THE END OF THAT TO GET THE BEGINNING!




Cassie was here!




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Hey Cassie! Here’s my review, first I’ll start with the nit picks.
The second sentence is missing something or maybe it’s just me. Maybe if you changed it to “I lay in a pool of my own blood. With great difficulty I tried to stand up but I couldn’t. It was as though my arm and my left leg were paralysed.”
Another thing is you wrote “I limped toward my car” instead of “towards my car”
Also check the sentence where you wrote “I leaned against the car feeling horrible” maybe you can try another word because “horrible” seems a bit awkward. If she’s surrounded my blood and she can’t feel her arm or leg then she must be in pretty bad pain.
But anyway I love this and I gave you a star. PM me for the next chapter!
*coco
"Do you know what my heart says now? It says that I should forget about politics and be with you. No matter what. You're a true Queen, a Queen any King would kill for." - Prince Francis ♕




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Twist!! I love that! I really thought Steven was dead xD Poor Callie. She's being put through all this crazy stuff!

She didn't know they were vampires before? Oh well! Can't wait for the next installment :D




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Hey! I have been reading the story from chapter one and I dont want to sound like a total jerk but the story seems flat. Like you are bopping all over the place. The two brothers have no real personality and the main character just seems like an air head with no real thoughts. And also in "chapter" two some where you said that after she was thrown out of a two story window (first off she would have a lot more damaged after THAT) it said that she was lying in a pool of blood with a broken arm and leg. Then in like two days after not apparently going to the hospital she is fine and walking around and every thing. It just does not make sense and you are moving around too much. The story just needs more meat on its bones as right not it is just like an outline. Just keep working on it!
Living in a tower




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Hey!!
Sorry, I haven't been n YWS since November, so... trying to catch up on the stories that i used to follow.
I like the twist. But when she says she "felt every bone in my body crack as I hit the ground," wouldn't that mean that she's pretty much paralyzed?
And the mom is a total... bimbo. I was not going to say anything, but then i read the other reviews and realized that no-one had yet pointed that out.
"Honey, what happened to you?" my mother asked as she stared at me in awe.
"Oh, I had a fight with Abby's little sister. Grape juice went everywhere." I lied as I stepped into the house.

uhmmmm, grape juice is really really different from blood. If she had driven home, some of the blood was probably dried, so it was probably kind of brown in places. And event then, wouldn't a good mother pursue why her daughter is covered in cuts?

blah blah blah... all in all, your story was good. if you revise it, take out some "be" verbs, but thats a no-biggie.
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow"
-mary anne radmacher




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Thanks for the review!



Cassie was here!



My spelling is wobbly. It's good spelling, but it wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places.
— A.A. Milne