The New Boy (part I)

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Our school’s annual function practice had begun. But I wasn’t participating. Studious children like me do not participate in annual functions and Sports Days because it makes us miss a lot of classes. And moreover, I was terrible at dancing.
Last year, participation was compulsory. No matter how many excuses I gave, I had to participate. I was enrolled in a dance. I was new in the school and I felt very shy. So my steps became awkward. I looked the best in that crazy costume but I danced the worst. My classmates still remember and laugh about my dancing.
But this year, me and my bookworm pals had decided that no matter how much the teachers scolded us, we won’t participate. Everyone had their own personal excuses, like mine was to be bad at dancing. The practices were starting from Monday.
The bell rung. Our biology teacher, Ms Surbhi, noted down the homework on the board, and giving us a last warning of what would happen to us if we don’t finish our homework on time, she walked out of the class. The next period was of History, taught to us by Ms Gitanjali. But instead of her, our class teacher walked into the class.
She gestured someone outside the class to come in. A boy came in. He had light brown hair, light skin and was tall. His face wasn’t too broad or too thin, but perfect. He definitely did not belong to India. He looked like some European.
He wasn’t wearing the school uniform. So maybe he was a new student.
“Children, this is your new classmate Esan. He has just shifted from North Carolina. He has joined in the mid- term, so it is going to be difficult for him to cope up. I want you all to help him with his studies.” Our class teacher said in a hurry.
She made Esan sit in front of me with Aryan, the boy who stood first in the mid- term.
The row in which we were sitting was meant for studious bookworms. The only ranker who did not sit here was Leela, who stood second this time. She was more of an extrovert. She was one of the cheerleaders.
“You can borrow Mathematics notebooks from Aryan, SST notebooks from Pavak, Hindi notebooks from Naina, Science notebooks from Vedana and English notebooks from Agni.” Ma’am said, patting my back.
Our class teacher, Ms Charu was also our English teacher. She really liked me because I was the only one in the class who could score an A+ in English.
Poor boy, I thought, he doesn’t even know who is who.
Then ma’am, giving a heavy set of instructions to Esan, walked out of the class.
“Hi”, I said to the new boy”I am Agni. If you need any help, please feel free to ask me."
"Hello. I don't know about other subjects but I am definitely going to need help in Hindi and Indian geography."He said and then smiled at me. His smile was charming. His accent was American. But I had nothing to do with his accent or his looks. I simled in return and then started reading my History chapter.
Likewise, everyone introduced themselves to Esan.
Esan did not hesitate or fell shy like I did when I was new. By the end of the day, I started feeling that he belonged more to the school than I did.
Within a week, he became good friends with all the boys, specially Aryan and his best buddy, Pavak. As for the girls, he had been the main center of their attraction as soon as he had stepped into the school. He became the talk of the school, like I had been.
Our situations were very much similar. I had joined my school in the mid- term, so had he. I was good at studies, so was he.
I just wished that unlike me, he wouldn’t be betrayed or cheated upon by his best friends.
==================
I am planning to expand my story. If you like it then please tell me so. Thank You for reading it! Reviewing is not necessary, just write about how it can be improved or wht you liked in it. :D
Last edited by baron.vrinda on Mon Nov 02, 2009 3:53 am, edited 3 times in total.
Enjoy every moment of your life; you never know when it might come to an end...




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This is definitely a beginning to a story. Some of the grammar is weird, you call things different names... I don't know... Are you from India? that would explain the differences in names. :elephant:
Those who dance are thought insane by those who don't hear the music.
Those who fit well into their world don't generally go about changing it.




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hmm. I like your writing, its ery interesting but some of the words dont fit well into the sentences for exp
"He has just shifted from North Carolina" A better word would be transfered its more common and politcally correct but thats just my opinion.
"She was more of an extrovert" not everyone knows what an extrovert is, be more simplistic. You need to use alot of compliated words to impress a reader, the simpler it is the easier it is for your reader to understand. Choose some more along the lines of she's more out-going or popular.

“Hi”, I said to the new boy”I am Agni. If you need any help, please feel free to ask me.
you only need this part. Please have the new kid respond to your statement that way we can gain a sense to what this other character is like. You gave him a profile but I don't know how he talks or who he is

"My English notebook has been submitted for correction. As soon as it is given back, I’ll give it to you.” This is an unnecesary sentence, and seems fairly robtic not all like a real person

"I just wished that unlike me, he wouldn’t be betrayed or cheated upon by his best friends". Interesting but you dont need the "or cheated upon". It takes away from the way your story flows

Any way can't wait to see your story unfold, I enjoyed it and think its got some potential




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Hi! It's a really interesting read. I would like to definitely read more. And the fact that I've seen such situations in school makes me want to read it more.
Try adding a bit of everyday classroom humor as you progress. Would make a good read!

Keep up the work! :)
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





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Ok, i'm gonna try and keep this short. Blue is for commenting, red for corrections.

Studious children


Do you mean children who like to study? Sounds a bit fussy and essay type words, I would something like 'Nerds like me...' This gives a bit of an edge to the commentating, lets the story flow better and adds depth to the character.

like me do not participate in annual functions and Sports Days because it makes us miss a lot of classes


Agian this seems a bit ridgid, I would put something like 'work' to empthasie in a brutish way what my character is all about and thats well work it seems at the moment. .

And moreover, I was terrible at dancing.


OK now it even seems to me that i am in a very picky mood today, but... This word just seems to interrupt the sentence flow, maybe use something like anyway to give an informal style to of writing

It seems to me that English is not your first language, apologies if I'm wrong. But certainly in the UK, English when written in informal way as, i think, would be good for this story, the language needs to have slang in and the more general gist of the way people speak.This adds more depth, flow and general greatness of the writing.
Overall I think I'm am in a nit picky mood, but good story liked the end with the twist and cliff hanger. I'm sure everyone and me would be glad to see you post the further part of your story :)




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Hiya! I think i noticed some errors, so i will try to help ;)

Our school’s annual function practice had begun. But I wasn’t participating. Studious children like me do not participate in annual functions and Sports Days because it makes us miss a lot of classes. And moreover, I was terrible at dancing.

Mkay, so here i begin with the first paragraph: Your opening sentence is not really attention grabbing. It more explains the background of the story, and that not a very good opener. Since you are telling this in first person, try to open with some of her thoughts of the annual function! Also, in bold, this should be one sentence. instead of the period, put a comma.

I was new in the school and I felt very shy. So my steps became awkward.

Try rewriting it like this: I was new at school and felt very shy, so my steps became awkward.

I looked the best but I danced the worst.

So, in your story, i noticed sometimes you throw a random sentence at us! this is one of them. I would love further explanation of how she "looked the best." that doesn't really make sense to me.

Everyone had their own personal excuses, like mine was to be bad at dancing. The practices were starting from Monday.

The bolded sentence is another one of those random things. I suggest deleting it altogether.

The bell rung. Our biology teacher, Ms Surbhi, noted down the homework on the board, and giving us a last warning of what would happen to us if we don’t finish our homework on time, she walked out of the class.

Okay, so this is basically one big run-on sentence. May i suggest writing it like this: "The bell rung, and our biology teacher, Ms. Surbhi, noted down the homework on the board. She gave us a last warning of what would happen if we do not finish our homework on time, then walked out of the class." It sounds better and more natural.

The next period was of History, taught to us by Ms Gitanjali. But instead of her, our class teacher walked into the class.
You jump from one scenario to the other. May i suggest not speaking of your biology class, since nothing important happens int hat class anyway?

From then on, everything sounded right.
Overall, i liked your story. You introduced a main character, and a guy, which obviously makes a story so much more appealing ;)
I still wonder of how this is fantasy fiction, since everything seems pretty real. Keep going though, i will read the second one shortly!
~Classy




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i am interested in your story, i like the idea of the kid from North Carolina in India it is so ironic but perhaps you should explain Angi's story a little bit better... where is he from? what happen to him? and explain Esan character as well. but good story please continue.




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AGNI IS A GIRL!!!!!
Enjoy every moment of your life; you never know when it might come to an end...




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thank you- I'd been pretty sure she was a girl but i wasn't positive. As a result, I think you need to tell us more about Angi, so we understand her better. First off, you talk about Angi being fairly new to the school- is she from somewhere far away, or just somewhere else in India? I got mixed impressions.
A few nitpicks:
He has joined in the mid- term, so it is going to be difficult for him to cope up.
Shouldn't it be catch up?

She gestured someone outside the class to come in. A boy came in.
You repeat yourself here- it messes up the flow of the story. Maybe 'she gestured to someone outside the class, and boy came in' or 'and a boy entered' would work better? Just something so you don't repeat the same two words in a very short space.

The ending was catching. Good job and good luck with future chapters!
If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.~Toni Morrison

It is written in m life-blood, such as that is, thick or thin; I can do no other~ Tolkien




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please read the story properly. who'll come to know who is a boy and who is a girl !!!
Enjoy every moment of your life; you never know when it might come to an end...




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This was good! But you had a error that really bugged me. It wasn't too bad but, i don't know, it just got to me.

Grammar:
"He has just shifted from North Carolina. He has joined in the mid- term, so it is going to be difficult for him to cope up."

These two sentences and be combinded together.

Like so: "He has just shifted from North Carolina and has joined in the mid- term, so it is going to be difficult for him to cope up."

Other then the a couple of spelling errors it was AMaZING!




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i didnt read your whole story because i lost interest but as constructive criticism, i suggest that you be more clear on your details and your beginning was similiar to a musical pick up note.it sounded like something in the middle of the story. I suggest a better beginning thats mysterious and will lead the reader to want to know more. i know i seem harsh but i can guarentee that if you publish this, remarks will make my review look good so pleaz improve!
"if you always say what if, you can never know what can..."



In a dream you are never eighty.
— Anne Sexton