The Vampire Story Chp.2

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"Steven?" I called as I stepped into his dark house. I looked around, there was a steep staircase and a gorgeous fireplace surround by rock. The house was huge, close to the size of a mansion. "Andrew?" I called, hoping at least one of them would here me.
Oh well, I thought as I turned to leave. "Callie?" a voice called.
I spun around and saw Steven hovering over me. "I didn't think you would show up," he continued.
I smiled at him as he led me to his bedroom. The air was musty and smelt of danger. I glanced over my shoulder and saw Andrew glaring at me at the bottom of the stairs. "Why are you doing this to me?" he whispered.
I just stared at him and realized we had come to a door. "And here we are!" Steven said as I stepped inside.
"Whoa," I whispered. I walked over to his bed and set down. His room was a royal white with a small fire burning. His bed was made of oak and had an elegant spread over it. I was dazzled.
Steven walked over to me with a smile on his face. "Well, what do you think?"
"I think it's beautiful," I replied.
"Well, if you think this is beautiful," he said, " wait until you see the garden."
He grabbed my hand and led me down a passage of stairs. Once we got to the bottom he opened a pair of grand doors. "Oh my god!" I said as I dropped his hand and took off running. The grass was lined with different colored petunias, daisies, roses, and other flowers. They were circled around a small stone bench and a lemon tree.
Steven's dark green eyes were dazzled as I beckoned him to chase me. I looked up at the sky and saw it was getting dark. "Steven, I should go, it's getting dark."
"No, how about you ask your mom if you can stay for the night," Steven blabbered.
"Steven, she'll definatly say no. She'll think I'm going to sleep with you,"
"Oh, then don't call her," he stared deeply into my eyes.
"Steven, I'd rather lie to her than let her worry all night."
"Okay," he replied.
I grabbed my phone and dialed my mom's number. "Hey Mom, I'm going to stay at Abby's house, okay?" I nodded and then hung up.

Steven took my hand and led me up to his room, pushed me on his bed, and then we fell asleep holding eachother closely. But it didn't feel right, I had a strong longing in my heart for Andrew.
The next morning I awoke feeling as much love for Andrew as I had the night before. I glanced at Steven and saw he was still asleep. I snuck out of the room and found another door. THis must be Andrew's room, I thought. I knocked on the door and walked inside.

I saw Andrew crouched o his bed with a tear stained face, he glared at me as I entered. "I don't recall saying come in," he barked.
"Andrew, I'm sorry for everything. I just feel so guilty. And I also want to know why your brother is doing this to you. It's like he's rubbing me in your face."
"It's okay, my brother is stupid. But has he been forcing you to do stuff, like soming has just aken over your thoughts?"
"Yeah, but that's impossible.He can't take over my mind," I replied.
Andrew froze. "Callie, on the count of three, I want you to get out of here," he said.

I just stared at him. "One,two,three!" he screeched.
The door burst open and Steven burst in. Andrew picked my up and threw me out the window. " What the hack are you doing to me? Oh my god, no! Put me down!" I screamed.
The wind rushed past my face as I fell. I closed my eyes and spread my arms and legs.I let the wind carry me. And finally, I landed.
Last edited by Cassie9960 on Thu Oct 29, 2009 8:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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okay, okay. Your story seems interesting, but i suggest some serious work on this chapter. You jump around so much, i don't know where you are going! You need to make some more time explaining things to your readers.
Also, i don't like your main character, Callie. I think she seems stupid, and idiotic. I don't like people like that, and do not like to see one as the main character! May i suggest you develop her into a more lovable person?
I think you have a good idea here, but i would like to see more effort in making this reader-compatible. ha ha!
~Classy




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That was sweet... but I have to agree with Captain. Maybe Callie could show a little back bone. Let's say maybe when Callie realized that it doesn't feel right she gets out of bed and goes to the bathroom feeling in doubt. Another thing you could try is showing not telling. Don't be afraid to add detail or add more action {getting up, walking around, ect.}

Hope that I helped!
The Writers

Death is just life's next big adventure.
J. K. Rowling




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To Classy

Callie will become more important and aware of herself in the next chapter. Just give the story a little time and it will get better.

Casssie




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Chp.3 is up and ready to go!!!!!!!! Please read it I hope you enjoy it! I worked on this one and I tried to leave you hanging. Happy writing!!



CASSIE WAS HERE!!!!!




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Yah! Steven is nutty-crazy-insane xD I'm really intrigued by his character. Does he have some sort of personality dysfuntion going on? I feel bad for Andrew D:

It's kind of confusing though because I don't know what happened before all of this. Will you be explaining how they all met later on? Or have you written another story about it already? Off to read some more!!!




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