The Vampires Story Chp.1

I closed my eyes as the cool autumn breeze whipped my face, my long brown hair trailed out behind me in the breeze. I opened my eyes realizing I was lost in thought. I turned around to look at my friends who were rushing after me trying to catch up.
"If i didn't know you," Alexa said as she finally caught up, "I would say you were so excited about the new boys at school."

"Well, Alexa you obviously do know me, because they are exactly who I was thinking about!" I squealed.
When Abby caught up to us she asked, "Are you sure you want to dump David for one of them?"
I nodded, David was sweet and kind and gentle, and definitely smart! But both of these boys were all of that, except they added one new thing. They were hot. I knew i would be able to get them, I was the Queen of the school. And I wouldn't rest until I had them wrapped around my finger.
I looked up there we were, school. As I walked into the building all the boys I passed gave either a wolf whistle or tried to stop me and give me a kiss. Of course I enjoyed the attention I was getting, but I was heading to one special boy, David.
"Hey Callie," he started as I strut over to him.
"Listen David," I interrupted, "I know this will be hard for you, but we're through!"

He stared at me as his blue eyes filled with tears. As if getting the message, he nodded and then ran away. I opened my locker door to get my books, I glanced over my shoulder and saw a tall figure closing in on me. "Andrew!!" I squealed as I jumped up to give him a hug. He was one of the brothers. "Where's Steven?" I asked confused.

"Oh.. um, Steven is" he began.
"Right here," finished Steven.
" Steven!" I said as I gave him a kiss on the cheek, his skin was cold against my lips. "Steven, why are you so cold?"
"Oh, my house is always cold at night," he lied, "hey, speaking of which do you want to come over this weekend?" I thought for a minute and then looked into his eyes, the were beginning to turn a shade of purple.
" Absolutely," I said as I leaped up to meet his lips.
Perfect, Steven thought as the kissing continued, now my brother will be angry for sure.
Reluctantly I pulled my lips off of him. He threw his arm around as if his brother wasen't even there. I turned around and ran to Andrew "Meet me at my house, don't be late!" I gave him a peck on the cheek and went back to Steven.
"Steven," Andrew called to his brother in his mind, "I thought you promised me you wouldn't steal Callie from me. Or use your powers on her mind."
" Andrew, I wouldn't have if she hadn't been so sexy. And besides, I have very special plans for her over the weekend." Steven replied.
Andrew began to form tears, "You wouldn't,"
"Brother you know very well, I would."
Andrew ran out of the building and started to head home. He didn't care what happened, he just knew he had to find something that would keep his brother away from Callie.
I looked up and smiled at Steven. I knew very well that he loved me, and he knew I loved him too. I rested my head on his shoulder as we headed to our first class.

Hey! Cool, I lovveee flashbacks. They make me happy. Weird, huh?
So, I like this chapter. I hope my reviews are acually helpful.
Also: on my first day here (on YWS), I posted part I of my story. On my second, I posted part II. I will now pass to you the sacred information from empressoftheuniverse:

I would advise, though, waiting a little longer to put out part two; sometimes you have to let your stories simmer; get a ton of reviews, good or bad, before you move on to the next one. Or else no one who read the first one is going to want to read the second; the wont understand it. Sure, they can go back and peruse over part one, but will they backtrack when its Part three? Part four? Part ninety-six?
Yeah, you get the point.

I closed my eyes as the cool autumn breeze whipped my face, my long brown hair trailed out behind me in the breeze. I opened my eyes, realizing I was lost in thought.

I like this part. Very descriptive, but not purple prose. You explained things about her without sounding conceited.

"If i didn't know you"

The i changes to I. Not really big. I do that all the time.

Or use your powers on her mind."

You made Callie sound... kinda slutty, breaking up with David and then going straight to Steven, (love the name David, by the way) but you explained how in the end and that made it better. I like the that information, also, that your vampires have powers over minds (all vamps have differing abilities.)

You have most of it in Callie's first-person viewpoint, with I's and me's, but then you switch to third person Steven.

Perfect, Steven thought as the kissing continued, now my brother will be angry for sure.

Also, when you switch to Steven and Andrew just talking without Callie, it kind of throws the 1st person off track.
Instead of 1st person limited (I's and me's from only one person) you could switch to 1st person unlimited (i think that's what it is... I tried to find my book with POV and couldn't...) so that you have " Absolutely," I said as I leaped up to meet his lips.

Perfect, I thought as the kissing continued, now my brother will be angry for sure.
She reluctantly pulled her lips off mine. I threw my arm around her as if Andrew wasn't even there. She turned and ran to Andrew. "Meet me at my house, don't be late!" She gave him a peck on the cheek and returnedto me.

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Okay, well you jump around different views, you should work on that. i don't have time to do a full analysis, and i apologise for that. This story is intriguing me, but I'm not sure why! It seems very mysterious, and i believe that is the only thing keeping me wondering. That is good, but you should develop you characters, scenes and plot more. I need to be hooked on something else other than the mystery, which will end in a few chapters i suspect?
Good job, though. I hope your story is as good as i think it will be
~Classy!

Umm... okay. First of all right now your character seems like a Mary Sue.

(Mary Sue- a perfect character. In case you didn't know)

To me when the characters spoke, it seemed awkward. Try adding movement or try showing not telling.

I think you should remain in the same POV either as a narrator or a character.

Keep writing! I still want to read the rest of the story!

Here it is! I've accidentally read your story without reading the first chapter xD No wonder I was so confused! Sorry, dear!

Keep writing!

Whoa, you really switched views on this one, slightly confusing. But that's ok because, we all have so many thoughts running around our heads, that when we're writing about one person, we think of the next person and suddenly switch from one characters head to the next.
Uh, ok I don't want to sound mean or anything, but, Callie really seemed kinda slutty, going from breaking up with David, she was really excited about that, explain why, besides fresh meat. Haha, then you had her kiss Steven, I guess she only kissed him because he did some sorta tricky thing on her mind? I don't know.
I really like is, besides everything I've pointed out, it's different and the idea of twin brothers is cool. Great job!

Thanks for the reviews!