The Inch - The Full Story - Chapter 2

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The Inch

“Elina,” I recited her name.

I was lying down on my simple white bed, looking at the ceiling, hugging a white pillow with my right arm upon my chest. My thoughts were focused on her face – her dazzling blonde hair, her lovely smile, and those dark green eyes.

“Have you met the new girl?” asked my father, stretching his still young arms as he entered my bedroom. He stopped in front of me.

“I was just thinking about her,” I responded gently and confidently, pushing out of my mind the reactions that were possible.

“Why don’t you give her a ride on your white horse?” suggested my father with a simper.

“An excellent suggestion, Mr. Riddenwood,” I replied with a smile, taking it as a joke.

“I always gave your mother a ride on my white horse,” he continued, murmuring, making his way out of the room.

“Dad,” I paused, caught in wonder, “What’s your point?”

And he was gone.

Chapter 2 – The Ball

I was fourteen, and I grew closer and closer to Elina. It had been lonely being the only teenager in this place until I met her, who is younger than me by one year. But that was no big deal. What really mattered was that there was a girl who I got to share and tell stories with. Elina, she was my only friend.

That day was our birthday. That’s right. We have the same birthday only I was born at dawn, and she was born at night, and like what I said, I’m older by one year. We were at my home, and she was playing Canon in D for me on the piano. I never knew she could. And she did better than me. The same intro, the same verses, the same choruses – all was perfect. I couldn’t help but smile while she was scowling at the keys of the piano.

The piano was old. It was my father’s and he just kept playing it so it would stay in tune. Actually, it was my grandfather’s, the one who built the stables himself, and gave our family line a ‘stable’ income.

Left hand – low Re: Right hand – High La, Re, and Fa-sharp, Elina finished playing the beautiful piano piece. There was applause. She stood up from the wooden stool and came to me, smiling.

“How was it?” asked Elina eagerly as she kept her smile.

“Perfect!” I exclaimed, really impressed by her performance. “Thank you, Elina.”

“Thank you,” she happily replied, “You’re good at the violin too, you know?”

She remembered. It was already a year ago and she remembered...the first and last time she had heard me playing the violin. She didn’t give any remark at that time. She suddenly took my hand and pulled me away.

“Come on!” she exclaimed as she dragged.

Excitement was obvious from her.

“What?” I asked, surprised.

“Get your violin and come with me,” she continued.

“Why?” I asked, but with a bigger expression of question this time.

“You’re gonna be playing the same song for me!” told Elina in an excited manner, and she dragged me off again.

- - - ♥ - - -


Elina held the case of my instrument as I helped her get on the saddle of my horse at the field just outside the stables.

“This is my first time riding a horse, especially a white one,” said Elina, looking down at me.

“Yah, I forgot to give you a ride last year,” I spoke with humor.

I jumped up and took the front place on Shard. Yes, Shard was my horse’s name. I rubbed Shard’s hair and told him to go.

“Glide, Shard,” I ordered.

The horse ran very fast, surprising both Elina and me. I grabbed the grip and Elina embraced my stomach as the horse ran. It gave me an awkward feeling at first, but then I found it comforting. Dad waved from behind and shouted ‘Happy Birthday to you two!’

“Your horse can understand you!?” asked Elina with a big surprise.

“Yes!” I shouted so that she can hear me.

- - - ♥ - - -


Finally, we reached the place, and I let her dismount first before I did. She tapped off on her pink dress, which I just noticed, and pulled me eagerly into the door. I looked down on my attire and sighed. Luckily, I was wearing something considerably and acceptably decent. It was a black long-sleeved polo my father gave me for my last birthday.

I realized that we entered through the secret entrance which led to the ball room. There were people thrice as many as my visitors earlier. Her parents must be somewhere conversing with the most important guests.

Elina, who managed to resist everyone’s attention, took me to the stage which was just beside us. She told me to play without anyone’s consent. She stayed beside me, looking as beautiful as ever. There were white-clothed tables in front of me, and the floors are all covered in red carpet. There was a stupendous Grand Piano beside me too, with intimidating white color. My heart pounded faster with each second, with each look I give to things around me. I glanced at Elina and took my instrument off the case. I put the bow slowly on the strings, hands slightly trembling, and I started playing…again.

I played the song again, the one that was my mother’s favourite, the one Elina played for me on the piano. I played just like how I played the song on my violin the day of my mother’s death anniversary. The very first sound of my violin ceased the people’s chatter.

There was the intro again, and the verses, and the choruses. And, finally, there came the ending. I was relieved! That day was so lucky! I did not make a mistake! And, for the first time in my violin-playing history, I heard applause from a crowd. Well, I know that dad and a few others clapped for me, but, it was nothing compared to this.

Then, out of nowhere, Elina’s father, I think, came onto the stage. Blonde, tall, and intimidating, he stopped in front of me and Elina.

“Hello, dad!” greeted Elina to him happily.

“Who is this?” asked her father.

“Haniel, sir,” I said, readying for a handshake, “Haniel Riddenwood”

“I wasn’t talking to thee,” said her father rudely but with a respectful tone.

I stepped a foot backwards, avoiding myself to get noticed, though.

“What’s with the Archaic English?” I asked, whispering to Elina, my head was slightly leaned toward her.

“Oh,” exclaimed Elina, also whispering, “It’s sorta the formal language here.”

“Oh,” I whispered back.

“I apologize to thee, sire,” I said politely to Elina’s father, nervous as I said it.

“Hey, Mr. Eliot~,” Elina spoke in a musical tone, towards her father.

“Stop such disrespect, Elina!” hissed Elina’s father silently but seriously.

“Oh, well,” said Elina, in a happy manner, while she spun forward and stopped in front of her father.

“Good afternoon, father,” she continued, in the same manner, “This is my friend, Haniel Riddenwood, who was born during the same day I was, only, a year older.”

“Pleased to meet thee, Mr. Chancellight,” I spoke, politely, as I readied for a handshake.

“Pleased to meet such a decent, young man,” replied Elina’s father, as he was finally shaking my hand.
Last edited by Caerulean on Wed Feb 16, 2011 12:07 pm, edited 21 times in total.




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This post was no longer in the first pages and no one has reviewed or commented yet...Please, I need reviews!




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Hi there! Again, sorry for the delay in writing this, like I said, getting ready for school and then starting it really cut into my writing-related time. XD

Anyway! Awww, this chapter was very sweet. I like how the characters are growing closer to each other, they have a really cute relationship. : ) I’ll be interested to see how the conflict of the story develops and changes it, they’ve got a lot of potential.

I especially like the bit when they play the pieces of music for each other—I really like that they have something that brings them together more than just “oh, she’s really pretty.” I think the music is a wonderful, vital part of both their characters and I hope it doesn’t go away.

I also like how you’re starting to develop your main character more—the scenes that showed his relationship wit his father were very sweet and poignant, and I’d love to see more scenes with that. I like how you brought in the elephant in the room between him and his father—his mother’s death—without dwelling on it so excessively that it hits the reader over the head with the problem.

The only thing I think you really need to concentrate on is your grammar and usage.

Just a couple awkward phrasings I found:

“Dad,” I had a pause, “What’s your point?”


“I had a pause” sounds really awkward here—I suggest just saying “I paused.”

I stepped a foot backwards, avoiding myself to get noticed, though.


This phrasing is a bit odd, too—“trying to avoid being noticed” or something similar might be more clear.

You also need to keep watching your tenses, like I mentioned in the previous chapter, as well as maybe keeping an eye on the POV—I think it randomly got switched to third person for a little near the end there, which can be very confusing for the reader. XD

Otherwise, this is a really good chapter—I like how the characters and their relationship are developing. :D I’ll try and get to the next chapter ASAP, okay? ^_^
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

Hey, how about a free review?




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Your story get's better and better... going to read the next chapter!! OMG I loovee it!! :smt003
-Solvalery :smt002
Noob is a state of being, not a length of time. ~Ego

"Serás del tamaño de tus pensamientos; no te permitas fracasar."




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Hello Whisper, I am here, like I said I would be :)
So I kinda just skipped the review for the first chapter because, well, everything had already been pointed out so my review would've been pointless haha.
Anyways, I'm full on with this one so, here I go!

I like to nitpick...sorry lol

My thoughts were focused on her face – the blonde hair, the smile, and the dark green eyes.

Okay the end of this sentence doesn't really work for me. I would reword it to:
"My thoughts were focused on her face, her hair, her smile and her beautiful dark green eyes."
Note you had already mentioned her hair color in chapter one, I think. Anyways, there no need to repeat certain descriptions.

I was fourteen, and I grew closer and closer to Elina. It had been lonely being the only teenager in this place until I met Elina, who is younger than me by one year. But, that was no big deal. What really mattered was that there was a girl who I got to share and tell stories with. Elina, she was my only friend.

I like the way your write, it's smooth and gives off such a warm feeling.
My real problem with this paragraph was that you overused her name, Elina, Elina, Elina. You can use She and it'd have the same effect. :)

And, though I was older, she did better.

You also mention age over and over again that it makes me want to say, "Okay, I get it!" lol
It gets annoying if you keep repeating things. We're smart people, we'll remember. ;)

“You’re gonna be playing the same piece for me!” told Elina in an excited manner, and she dragged me off again.

I also noticed that you put commas before your and's. Now it works sometimes but there are times where it can also be taken out.
She suddenly took my hand, and pulled me away.

In this one it can be taken out.

“I was not talking to thee,” said her father, rudely but with respect.

This is contradictory. How can you be rude but respectful at the same time? It's hard to imagine. I think I understand what kind of feeling you were going for but I would change the rude word to something else.

“Stop such disrespect, Elina!” uttered

You use the exclamation point and use uttered and it doesn't quite make sense. Either lose the exclamation mark or changed uttered to something else like, hissed or stated forcefully.
*****

Overall

First of all, your grammar was done quite well and there weren't any misspelled words or anything so I'm glad. Your characters, unfortunately they lack realism. They seem so perfect that it's hard to believe such people actually exist in the word. Instead of focusing on the rhythm of the story's progression focus on your characters and their strengths and weaknesses. What are their goals and what are they afraid of? Mold them into more realistic 3D characters.

Next, I would work on description and imagery. Right now you're telling me what's happening without really explaining the settings. You tell he did this and then that. Use the five senses, explain the way the horse moves when they ride, the way her hair flows, the way he feels when her arms embrace him. Feelings are very important and it makes us connect with the character. Without that, it's lacking.

Alright, at this point I still have no idea what your plot is. Hopefully I get some details soon, haha. I know you want to work on getting the setting straight but don't take too long, especially since this is a short story, it's important to grab the reader in with the very first paragraph, which you did do well (when I read the first chapter).

Just some side comments. I like the name Elina, I mean it's so elegant and it sounds like a bell. If that even makes any sense. Plus, I feel like the dad is sort of weird. I think he's hiding something >.>
Anywho, I'm on to the next chapter! Which will probably be done tomorrow morning or something since it's getting late for me here. lol
Cheers,

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham



"Come quickly, I am drinking the stars!"
— Dom Pérignon