Heart in Chains 1

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This is a short story I wrote for my English class close to a year ago. We were given a theme to follow and this is what I came up with. I won't tell you the theme yet (I suppose it hasn't even really come up at this point). Well, even though I've already received a grade and everything, I'm still open to edits and all that.
By the way, there are 4 chapters and an epilogue in it.
Alright, hope you like it!
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Heart in Chains

Chapter 1

“You ready?” He kept his eyes focused on the storefront reflected in the rearview mirror as he loaded his pistol.
She glanced at him, her eyes excited and a little frightened. Studying his tense face in the sparse light of passing headlights, she noticed his brows were furrowed over his bright brown eyes. He tugged a navy mask over his shaved head, his chocolate skin disappearing underneath. His eyes shone through the holes cut out as he turned to her, finally, awaiting her response.
“Of course,” she breathed.
His eyes smiled and he squeezed her shoulder affectionately before opening his door and stepping into the dark, wet parking lot. She remained in the car, watching anxiously through the rearview mirror.
“Gimme the money!” he stormed into the convenience store, weapon drawn. The young man behind the register pulled out a key and popped open the drawer with a little ‘ding!’ The man with the gun reached across and scooped the bills into a small sack.
“Better not call the cops, kid,” he warned as he backed towards the door, gun still trained on the young man’s face. The young man shook slightly and nodded twice in response, swallowing loudly as he did. As soon as the man with the gun was out of the store, he bolted for the car where the girl waited impatiently. He wrenched open the door and jumped in; she’d already started the car and was peeling out of the parking lot before the man had shut his door.
“How’d it go?” she asked as she raced down the empty street. He opened the sack and peered inside, squinting in the dim light. He gave up and yanked off his mask.
“Hard to say, but it looks good,” he replied somewhat breathlessly. He rubbed his eyes and glanced at her as she drove, the streetlights alternately illuminating her face one second and throwing it into darkness the next. She didn’t look the thieving type, but he knew she was one of the most cunning in the business. Her delicate features and pale skin were like that of a porcelain doll. Her platinum hair was tied up in bun and under a beanie; so she’d look like a boy on a fuzzy surveillance video. Her ice blue eyes were washed out by the orange glow of the passing lights, making them an eerie light gray. Her nose was wrinkled in concentration; she was looking for something.
“Tell me when to turn,” she told him as she glanced around at all the driveways to various parking lots. He snapped his view to the road.
“There.” He pointed to the next driveway on the right.
“’Kay,” she replied, already pulling over into a turn. As soon as she was off the road, she cut the engine. Both sat silently for a few moments before the girl spoke up, “You gonna go do it?” her hands were on the wheel; he saw this. He paused a moment, and decided on a compromise.
“Sure,” he replied, his suspicions masked with a cheery veil on his voice. He gripped the sack and stepped out, going around first to the back, then to the front, tearing off the small cardboard pieces they had placed on the license plates. It may seem futile, but it could make the difference between freedom and jail. She watched him like a guard dog, using her mirrors and windows, all the while never letting her hands drop from the wheel. Mostly, she was watching the sack. He finished his task and stepped back into the car.
“Shall we go to the motel now?” she asked, already pulling away, as he tossed the cardboard into the backseat.
“Uh,” he grunted as he bent backwards awkwardly in between their two seats. “Sure. You got one in mind?” he straightened and watched her patiently.
“Yeah, I saw one on our way in. It looked ok,” she shrugged, scanning the road for signs and monuments she might recognize.
“Alright,” he settled into his seat, still clutching tight to the sack.
Last edited by KerushiiAi on Tue Aug 11, 2009 4:06 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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Hi there! I haven't been reviewing in a while, so I thought I'd give this a go.

he kept his eyes focused on the storefront reflected in the rearview mirror as he loaded his pistol.

The H should be capatalized because a new sentence is starting.

She studied his tense face in the sparse light of passing headlights. His brow was furrowed over his bright brown eyes.

There was a lot of "he...she...." Try something like Studing his tense face in the sparse light of passing headlights, she noticed his brows were furrowed over his bright brown eyes. Just to break it up a little.

The man with the gun reached across and scooped the bills into a small sack. “Better not call the cops, kid,” he warned as he backed towards the door, gun still trained on the young man’s face.

You should start a new paragraph when he (since we don't know his name :wink:) speaks here.

“’K,” she replied, already pulling over into a turn.

Replace K with 'Kay. It just looks better.

“Shall we go to the motel now?” she asked, already pulling away, as he tossed the cardboard into the backseat
“Uh,” his voice was strained as he bent backwards in between their two seats.

This seemed strange to me. If he squeezed her shoulder affectionatly, he obviously likes her. Why is he hesitating about the hotel? (If that's where this is going...xD)

Over all,

This was short and I didn't really get any names, but it was good.

Watching for the next part!

- Fraggle




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This was well written!
Only thing I would point out is the amount of adverbs you use.
When you use the adverb, your telling not showing.
Don't worry, I do the same thing and it takes a lot of practice. But taking out the adverbs makes your writing, especially your voice much stronger.

This is what my friend told me while I was struggling with adverbs:

Think about your story as something sitting on the bottom of a shallow lake.

If the water is crystal clear (no adjectives or adverbs), it's a sign that there's no life (which could be what you're going for).

Too many adjectives and adverbs and the water gets dark and murky. Readers have to cut through to get to the real picture.

Good writing is a balance. The lake isn't crystal clear but it's not so filled up with flotsam and getsam that you can't see anything else

I hope that helps :)
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Hey-ya! I really like this story, and I can't wait to read more. It seems to grip the reader well, and leaves us wanting to know what happens next.

I did notice some awkwardness etc. though.

“Gimme the money!” he stormed into the convenience store, weapon drawn. The young man behind the register pulled out a key and popped open the drawer with a little ‘ding!’ The man with the gun reached across and scooped the bills into a small sack.


I don't really understand why the guy behind the counter seems like he isn't all that scared. Maybe add something to show us he's scared.

“Better not call the cops, kid,” he warned as he backed towards the door, gun still trained on the young man’s face. The young man shook slightly and nodded twice in response, swallowing loudly as he did. As soon as the man with the gun was out of the store, he bolted for the car where the girl waited impatiently. He wrenched open the door and jumped in; she’d already started the car and was peeling out of the parking lot before the man had shut his door.


You seem to call the two men by the same name over and over again, and after a while it gets a bit boring. Like in the paragraph above. The young man... The young man... and also the man with the gun... See what I mean? Maybe try giving a better description of them so that you have more variation in what you can call them; so that we know who you're talking about, without it getting boring.

her hands were on the wheel; he saw this.


This sentence is a bit confusing and awkward. What is the significance about saying her hands were on the wheel? Does he not trust her? Try explaining it a bit more.

All in all, it's a good, solid start to the story and I can't wait to read more! Good luck!
~ Patricia Tina :smt006

Don't look in the spoiler.

Spoiler
I lost the game.

"I always hear punch me in the face when you're speaking, but it's usually subtext."
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I liked this story it makes me curious to know what happens next. I do want to point out something though which probably isn't valid 'cause no one else has mentioned it and I'm not that good at reviewing but I'm going to point it out anyway.

“Yeah, I saw one on our way in. It looked ok,” she shrugged


I think the 'ok' should be capitals 'cause it's an abbreviation of okay.

(:




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This is a nice story, quite interesting. Just a few grammar mistakes which others have pointed out so I won't write them again but good story overall:)




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This was a good story overall. I do have one problem, though. There really isn't much spacing in between paragraphs. Not that it's necessary, but the words seem to clump together. Sometimes this discourages readers from taking the time to read the piece. It's just a thought.

**Mo**
If I can impact one person, just one, with my writing before I die, then I've lived a great life



The moral of Snow White is never eat apples.
— Lemony Snicket