You're It (Preface)

Preface—The Wedding

I peered out from between the branches of the thick bush, trying not to make any noise. As soon as I was sure no one had noticed my head sticking out of the bush, I scanned the courtyard for Kale. Ah-ha . . . there he was! I burst out of my hiding place, careful not to rip my flawless white dress. Quiet as can be, I snuck up behind him like a lioness stalking her prey and tapped him on the shoulder.

“You’re it!” I yelled, as I ran off with him chasing me.

“Aren’t they cute?” my aunt asked Kale’s mom.

“We are not cute!” we yelled in unison as we dashed by.

Unfortunately, we had to turn around to do so, and therefore, unable to watch where we were going, we both tumbled headfirst into the very bush in which I had just been hiding. My dress fluffed out over my head when I flipped, exposing my pink panties to everyone, including Kale. I blushed.

Our tumble had, of course, caused everyone within 50 feet to launch themselves into a fit of giggles.

As if I weren’t red enough before, my face turned crimson. The boy glared at everyone, which only made them laugh harder.

“I can’t believe you snuck up on me like that!”

I grinned. “It’s an art.”

“You hungry?”

“Starving.”

“Then lets go find some cake.”

“Let’s do it!”

I smoothed my dress out and we scampered off, hand in hand, no longer fazed by the bush incident.

I must say I like your writing stay. Now, the way you describe the body is kind of telly. You could say that his *hair color* shone i the sunlight and his deep blue eyes, piercing, demanding attention... and so on, rather than he had he looked like and so on. It was nice all in all. The last sentence [something I consider crucial] didn't capture my attention, no for shadowing. Work on that. Something that'll make the reader want to continue, because it might be well written, but it doesn't show me it's any different than anything else. Show me that it's going to be interesting, something to "keep me by the nose."
PM me for the next chapters!!
ofir

This was very well written. Short and sweet. Your writing is nearly flawless in terms of grammar, and your style does an excellent job to set the stage with a cute scene. There were only a couple things I noticed that needed to be changed.

I peered out slowly from between the branches of the thick bush, so as not to make any noise.

Bushes have branches?

I burst out of my hiding place, careful not to rip my flawless, white dress.

Since you have more than on adjective for the word "dress," you need a comma between them.

Unfortunately, we had to turn around to do so, and therefore, unable to watch where we were going, we both tumbled head first into the very bush in which I had just been hiding.

Head first is two words, you can connect them with a hypen if you'd like.

As if I weren’t blushing enough before—my face turned crimson.

You had two sort of separate thoughts here, and the comma you put just didn't really connect them in a grammatically sound way. A dash does the job, though.

He had piercing, blue eyes that commanded attention and a baby face with numerous freckles scattered across his pale nose and flushed cheeks.

You had multiple adjectives here, and they just needed a comma.

And that's it. That's all the grammar and style flaws I could really pull out of this piece. It's amazing that you can write so cleanly and smoothly for only being 13. You can expect me to read the rest of this story, too!

NITPICKS:

I peered out slowly [I'm being really nitpicky here, I'll admit, but I don't like the use of the word slowly. A hook is crucial for a piece, and you need something that will set the tone for the rest of this. Something that will show us something about the MC. How about... cautiously? Just a suggestion] from between the branches of the thick bush, so as not to make any noise. As soon as I was sure no one had noticed my small, strawberry blonde head growing out of the bush [Growing = ick. You make her head sound like a plant itself. How about appearing or something?], I scanned the courtyard for the cute boy with the dirty blonde hair. Ah-ha . . . there he was! I burst out of my hiding place, careful not to rip my flawless white dress. Quiet as can be, I snuck up behind him like a lioness stalking her prey and tapped him on the shoulder.


“You’re it!” I yelled, [You don't need this comma] as I ran off with him chasing me.


“Aren’t they cute?” my aunt asked the boy’s mom. [You're telling this from first person perspective. If your MC is running off yelling, there's no way she would catch this]


“We are not cute!” we yelled in unison as we dashed by. Unfortunately, we had to turn around to do so, and therefore, unable to watch where we were going, we both tumbled headfirst into the very bush in which I had just been hiding [Run-on sentence. And you're proving to be a good writer already, so I'll leave it up to you where to fix it]. My dress fluffed out over my head when I flipped, exposing my pink panties to everyone, including the boy in the bush. I blushed. I had been crushing on this boy ever since I saw him walk into the church. Our tumble had, of course, caused everyone within 50 feet to launch themselves into a fit of giggles. As if I weren’t blushing enough before, my face turned crimson.


The boy glared at everyone, which only made them laugh harder. I sighed and turned to the boy, whom I could see much better now that we weren’t moving [A thought here: Why do you keep calling him 'the boy'? If your MC has known him and been crushing on him for a while, wouldn't she know his name by now?]. He had piercing blue eyes that commanded attention and a baby face with numerous freckles scattered across his pale nose and flushed cheeks. His lips were a pastel pink [This makes him sound like a little girl], and his hair was straight and kind of short [Hair can't be 'kind of' short. It either is or isn't, in my mind]. It was really weird, because I hardly knew him, but my heart still beat faster being this close. I smiled to hide my discomfort and asked for his name.


“Kale. You?” he answered, pulling me out of the bush as he said it.


“Lauren,” I responded, brushing myself off.


Just then, my aunt called out, “Time to cut the cake!” and we scampered off for more sugar. [When did they have it?]

OVERALL:

As I said, you're a very good writer. I just had a problem with your choice of vocab and the whole crush thing. You need to slow down sometimes, and just think about that RIGHT WORD, you know? The one that fits and defines your writing for what you're trying to make it out to be.

And the crush? Well, I guess since she'd been crushing on him for a whole few hours, then she wouldn't know his name. That's why I think you should change it so that she's liked him for a while, like a year or something. To me, that would add more to the story, such as it is.

And that's all. I like what you've got. Now you just need a plot...

Keep writing.

KJ

I personally think that this was really good. Short, yes, but good. I liked the way your MC described everything. >.> I have a lot of problems with descriptions and I'm trying to work on that. lol.

Anyway, as I said, it was good. I would have a better review, but there is nothing that no one else has caught, and I don't see the need in being repetitive.

Since others have already pointed out the grammar, I'll just go right on to reviewing.

Cute is the first word that comes to mind to describe this. I like your description and word flow, but I think such a short piece really doesn't give much. There's nothing that really makes this stand out from all the other stories with two kids who've possibly been in love since early childhood.

Also, the final sentence isn't very grabbing in itself, which doesn't make it sheer torturte to have to wait for the following chapter.

All in all, though, I'm still ever so slightly curious to find out what happens next, and I'll leave the more detailed review for when I've gotten more of this. Hehe/

»Sam.

Although short, i enjoyed reading this and will have to look out the rest. I think most of the grammatical and punctuation mistakes have been pointed out so i won't go into any more, especially as most of them are minor.

For a thirteen year old i thought the way it was written was very impressive, after all, i'm 25 and i'm pretty sure you're better than me!

Although short, i enjoyed reading this and will have to look out the rest. I think most of the grammatical and punctuation mistakes have been pointed out so i won't go into any more, especially as most of them are minor.

For a thirteen year old i thought the way it was written was very impressive, after all, i'm 25 and i'm pretty sure you're better than me!

hello
That was very good.
I can see where you are going with it. I think you have created a perfect plot, because all girls know what it's like to have a crush, and all these embarrasing moments you share with him. It just all fits, it has the makings for the perfect story.

Now all you have to do is produce it. I don't mean to pile the pressure on
But well done

Rewritten and edited! Thanks for all the reviews! You guys are amazing!

I love the story! Its really good and I can't wait to read more! i love it when people are young at heart! Keep on writing!