Lilac's eyes (chapter one) adapted (twice)

Thank you so much for all of the reviews, don't stop now. I've got a load of chapters up and I would appreciate your views on them. I'm slowly working through adapting everything I've written to do with Lilac's eyes.


Lilac's eyes

She turned and stepped quickly into the silent hall, dress sparkling in the darkness; I didn't like the way she moved smoothly towards me and her eyes, outlined in black, glared viciously at me.
Her lips flicked upwards into an awkward smile, and me, unsure how to reply, grinned feebly back. She closed the gap between us in a single fluid motion and let her pale shimmering hand rise towards my cheek. “What are you doing here?” the voice I had longed for chimed in my ears. I backed away cautiously, dropping eye contact for the first time since she had entered the room. What was I doing here? There was no good reason for me to be here, but once I had decided, there was no longer a choice in the matter; I had to see her again. “ I told you not to come.” She uttered, her words becoming harsher; each letter ripped at me like sandpaper. Despite hostile words she automatically glided closer to me. Her hand clenching my forearm. “ I didn't want to see you again.” She sighed. My eyes moistened as they lost themselves in her flawless features. Her hand dropped to trace the scars that wound across my left arm. Judging her mood, again I stepped back. “I needed to leave that life behind me, I escaped from it.” Her eyes hardened, her hand dropped.
“There was nothing to escape from, you loved that life.” I urged, my jaw tightening.
“It wasn't my life to be living, I don't belong to your world and you need to get out of mine.” She turned and glided swiftly towards the door.
“Lilac, wait.” I didn't even expect her to turn in response, but she did. For one painful second our eyes met. One glance from her tore through me. A tear travelled silently down her cheek. All I wanted to do was move closer, comfort her; and at that moment I knew that if I did she would accept me back... but I didn't. As much as it hurt to see her upset I couldn't let her leave me again. I couldn't handle her walking away one more time, like she was doing now, like she did six months previous.
I waited for her to turn and walk silently through the crowds. A crippling pain throbbing in my gut, it spread slowly through my whole body as I waited, but she didn't move. So many couples, dancing blissfully around us, eighties slow dance songs deafened, but I hardly noticed. Why wasn't she saying anything? What did she want me to do? She was waiting, as if I'd ever had any power in our relationship. One by one the couples looked round at me, at her. I didn't like it, those eyes judging me, judging the colour of my hair. I strode quickly towards the back door, my heart breaking in my chest.
I suppose I was surprised she'd even remembered who I was. In a crowd of awe struck men, hoping for a glance at her white cheeks; a summer romance is hardly the most memorable event. I shouldn't have been so happy that she remembered my face, but I was; it was way more than a summer romance to me, her too I think. For one month everything had been perfect, we had been inseparable...but everything changed after that. Now she was back with her 'own kind', each with skin the colour of snow and vivid lilac eyes, like hers- she was back with the people she belonged with, but none of them knew her, not like I did.
As I climbed into my messed up VW polo and started its pathetic engine all I could think about was who I was driving away from. Will I ever see her again? I drove into the cold and lonely night. Her black, swirling hair. Her harmonic laugh. Her piercing eyes. Was she gone from my life forever?
The motorway sped beneath my feet and the three hour drive slipped away quickly. Each street lamp blinded, each car swerved silently passed beneath the quiet chug of the engine. Everything felt muted in comparison to the bigger pain on my mind. I turned the radio as high as it would go, I didn't care if I ended up deaf, as long as I couldn't hear her voice in my head. My eyelids drooped but it didn't matter because if I stopped driving my thoughts would again be dominated, more than they already were, with her soft, pale skin. I didn't care if I fell asleep and crashed into a wall, killed my insignificant self in the process; at that moment it didn't matter as long as I could run and hide in the furthest corner of my mind, outsmart the face following my thoughts round my head.

She rose until she was looking over me. A grin, unlike the one I had seen for so many months, spread across her face.
“I have to go to dinner.” Her voice chimed melodically.
“Sure you do, sit back down, your aunt won't mind if you're five minutes late.” I returned her smile and grabbed her hand.
“OK, five more minutes.” She sat back down, but even closer to me. Her head dropped down gently onto my shoulder.

I jerked my eyes open still copying her grin on my own lips. The reality flooded back to me in one swift blow. I slammed on the ancient brakes. I can't cry, I'm a man, I can't cry. My father, when he was still alive, used to tell me 'a man who cries is not a man, but a boy'.
Snow bombed the car heavily: hard, icy, sudden snowflakes. Each one as white as the 'New Aryan race'. Her race.


Thanks for reading!!! Now to chapter 2 . Please review.

i liked it but one thing i dont really understand is where was the character at? and why did she ask the character was there?

Hello! I thought this was a really good beginning I'm kind of picky though so watch out...

I didn't like the way she moved smoothly towards me and her eyes, outlined in black, glared viciously at me

I'd maybe add 'how' or 'the way' before 'her eyes' here

She screwed her face into an awkward smile,

This sounded a bit out of place with the rest of the description on her as she comes across as impossibly beautiful, almost statue like so I'm not sure about 'screwed'. Maybe she could twist her lips into an awkward smile or just wear an awkward smile or something like that.

There was no good reason for me to be here, but once I had decided, there was no longer a choice in the matter.

I think you could explain this a bit better, do you mean that he came to the decision then couldn't turn back from it? I'd maybe add a bit more after 'decided' like 'to come' or 'to come and dare to see her' or something like that

Despite hostile words she automatically glided closer to me. Her hand clenching my forearm.

I'm not sure about using 'glided' here as I already thought she was quite close and you use it quite soon after, maybe something about her leaning closer would be more appropriate? I'd also maybe add 'her' after 'Despite'.

Her hand dropped to trace the scars on my wrists that wound across my left arm.

You are kind of saying where the scars are twice, I'd maybe get rid of either 'on my wrists' or 'that wound across my left arm'.

“I need to leave that life behind me, I escaped from it.”

As you are saying that she has already 'escaped', maybe 'needed' would be better here than 'need'.

I shouldn't be so happy that she remembers my face, but I am; it was way more than a summer romance to me, her too I think.

You switch to present tense here whereas before it was in past tense, I'd say 'I shouldn't have been so happy' and 'but I was' to correct this

each with skin the colour of snow

You have already used 'snow' to describe their skin colour so I'd maybe change it here, maybe you could use another comparison like 'each with skin as pale as moonlight'

Will I ever see her again?

Again switching to present tense here, if you wanted to have the contrast between past and present maybe you could put some of the present pieces into italics as his thoughts? Otherwise, I'd change 'will' to 'would'.

She was gone.

She isn't really gone and as he is wondering if he will see her again I'd maybe alter this a bit to something about her being gone from his life or fading away to a memory or something like that

The motorway passed beneath my feet

As you say after this that the time went by very quickly, maybe something better than 'passed' like 'sped' would be good here to show how quickly he is traveling.

each car swerved silently passed beneath the quiet chug of my engine

I think you could phrase it a bit better here to make clear that you are talking about the sound being blocked out, perhaps by just changing 'beneath' to 'muted by' or something like that would work.

the bigger pain on my mind.

I think you could write this a bit better, maybe something about the pain he felt or the pain searing through him or something like that as it is more of a feeling than a thought.

with her soft, glistening skin.

I'm not sure if 'glistening' is the best word to use here, it kind of made me think of her skin being wet Maybe 'shimmering'?

I didn't care if I fell asleep and quietly crashed into a wall, killed myself in the process

It wouldn't really be quietly, I'd either leave it out or change it 'killed' might be better here as 'killing' too.

outsmart the face following my thoughts round my head.

I'd simplify this a bit to something like 'outsmart the face plaguing my thoughts' as it sounds a bit awkward as it is.

A grin, unlike the one I had seen for so many months, spread across her face.

At first I didn't really understand if you meant that it was an evil grin unlike the ones he saw when they were in love or a happy one, I'd maybe rephrase it a bit to make it clearer. Perhaps something like ''A grin, the same one that I had loved so many months ago, spread across her face.'

I can't cry, I'm a man, I can't cry.

The same thing with switching to present tense here

or to show any sort of negative emotion- unhealthy I know, but reality.

I don't know if 'reality' is the best word to use here, maybe just 'true' would work well?

Overall: Like I said, I really like this! I think you have done brilliantly in describing the girl and diving straight into the storyline.

I got a good sense of the woman in this and her appearance, I think you could add a bit more on how the main character is feeling though and perhaps a little on his appearance (although that could always be included later). I think you did will in showing his thoughts but maybe a bit more on the physical pain of it all would be good with some specifics, like a twisting in his gut or something like that as she walked away from him. If you did want to add more on how he looks compared to her, you could always use it to show his low self esteem or something like that. For instance he could think badly of himself as he drives away, cursing himself for ever thinking she would love a person like him.

I think you could add more once she leaves as to how he gets to his car, even if it is just a sentence or two. Maybe something about pushing through the crowds and the thoughts running through his head? I don't really get much of an image of where he is so I think by doing this you could extend upon the scene also

I mentioned in the nitpicks about the switching between tenses and suggested how you could maybe change some to his thoughts, this might also be a good way of extending upon how he feels

Overall though, I thought this was great and please do post more! All my comments are just suggestions and I hope I've helped

love love love it!
the guy before was so thorough it i couldn't find anything else. though i thought the story was a little twilight i still loved it.

Have a great time writing the rest.

WOW ! really loving this!!

I love the concept of it. It's becoming a great story, hope you continue

the beginning was nicely written. it reminded me of the beginning in New Moon

"She screwed her face into an awkward smile, and me, unsure how to reply"

me should be I


I didn't care if I ended up death"
change to dead


ok anyway, i dont have much criticism for it except we need to know where you are.
the beginning caught my attention, it was a bit harsh so that was good

I liked it a lot, it was very interesting, and you opened it up nicely. At first I thought it was a one side relationship- he seemed to be groveling at her feet, but then he thought about the summer they had together and how she liked him back so I understood. I really would like to read more, I can really imagine an ending to the book, something likee "and at the corner of the dark room, they stared at me, her lylac eyes." [I hope I'm spelling lylac correctly] because I think the name of the book is 'Lylac eyes' so that could be a good ending, but I just really want to read the one you wrote!
It's fascinating and I'm waiting for more!
you can also put this in fantasy fiction if you'd like, though here's fine too.
keep writting it!!
ofir

Wow. This is REALLY good. But, as someone said before, you should add more info about the setting of the story. It's an excellent piece though, it draws in a lot, is very interesting, and I can't wait to read more.

Hmmm...this guys responding just about the same way a friend of mine would. The only problem? My

friend is a girl. I know that in the passage he claims that he shouldn't be crying like a girl, etc, but to a

point I think that he's right. C'mon, instead of having him whimper and complain and pout, let's have

him do something we'd want all guys to do- come up with a plan, do something brave, be the hero! It's

no wonder this Lilac lady is leaving him- he's probably irritated the heck out of her. Sorry, sorry. But I

think that sometimes when girls are writing about guys, we have a tendency to make them behave, well,

like girls. Sure, I've seen a fair share of guys cry. But not full out have gab fest in their car. Unless they're

hitting puberty...


Also, sometimes it was a bit confusing figuring out who was doing the talking. It be nice for a little 'he

said, she said' here and there.

Other than that, I have nothing else to say. Actually, I'm really impressed. Today, not a lot of people can

write a good vampire story without having it completely copy Twilight Nice job

You really won't like chapter three then. Full mental break-down! He doesn't actually, or so I've tried to show, cry at any point, it's just that your in his head, your seeing that if he were a girl he'd be in full tears and that he is attempting to avoid that.

Can I ask as a general question to everyone,
why do people keep saying my story is like twilight? Yes it starts off quite vampirish but really its linked to the second world war. There seriously isn't one vampire in this.

Thank you so much for your comments, it's so much help to hear what people think.

Miriam.


Plus chapter three is now up

I liked this. It's an old idea turned into orginality I see that some of the other reviewers have been nit picky about grammar so I won't be.

Overall: Your main character is greatly played out. I love their coversations and such. It's something I could definitely vision as a real conversation between two real people. Thats awesome because you want your characters to become real, to jump off the page infact. The female is a little distant and maybe that's because she is distant to your main character, but maybe describe more of her emotion and such.


Thanks for the read, I will def. be checking out the other chapters

good job

-Tiffany

Okay, i just have to say Anonymous-A , I think that comment was a bit ridiculous. Sure I'm not a guy but I don't agree with what you say about Guys having to come up with the plan and be a hero. Guys in real life I know are not like that, they have complicated feelings and are hardly ever "the hero".

I think the MC in this story is perfectly suited, and anyway it would be out of character for him to swoop in and save the day. After all what is there to save?

just my opinuon

by the way mads, nice edit

Hi Miriam... or Hannah... Anyway, I'm here! (as requested). You wanted me to review all the chapters? I'll see what I can arrange, but I think it will take a while

Now, on to it!

She turned and stepped quickly into the silent hall, dress sparkling in the darkness; I didn't like the way she moved smoothly towards me and her eyes, outlined in black, glared viciously at me.

Nice start, intriguing even. Just one nit-pick. 'dress sparkling in the darkness;' It would sound better like: her dress sparkling in the darkness;

She closed the gap between us in a single fluid motion and let her pale shimmering hand rise towards my cheek. “What are you doing here?” the voice I had longed for chimed in my ears.

Comma after us and motion.
Make a paragraph after cheek. She's talking, isn't she? Capitalize the the.

“ I told you not to come.” She uttered, her words becoming harsher; each letter ripped at me like sandpaper. Despite hostile words she automatically glided closer to me.

Again, make this a paragraph. Put the first line as: "I told you not to come," she uttered, her words becoming harsher;
There's a her missing, between despite and hostile. Comma after words.

“ I didn't want to see you again.” She sighed.

Again, make this a paragraph. Turn the first period to a comma, and dis-capitalize the she.

As much as it hurt to see her upset I couldn't let her leave me again. I couldn't handle her walking away one more time, like she was doing now, like she did six months previous.

It should be: As much as it hurt me to see her upset, I couldn't let her leave me again.
This part of the story is very confusing. The MC says he didn't went to her when he knew she would take him back, but he can't let her walk away? Please, make it a bit more clear on what's happening and what he's feeling.
Previous is not the right word to use here. Try 'six months ago'.

it was way more than a summer romance to me, her too I think. For one month everything had been perfect, we had been inseparable...but everything changed after that.

Comma after too and month. After what? What made everything change? The end of the month? Or an event?

As I climbed into my messed up VW polo and started its pathetic engine all I could think about was who I was driving away from.

Comma after engine.

Everything felt muted in comparison to the bigger pain on my mind.

'On' should be in.

Characters & Plot
They sound interesting. Lilac sounded abrupt; her mood changed quickly in a part of the story. The boy, whose name wasn't yet revealed, sounded common with a twist. Overall, you had some good points here, but you could have done better, including a bit more of body language and such.

Description & Imagery
Also not bad. You could have described the surroundings a bit more.

Overall:
It was nice read This surely made me want to check chapter two.

Hope I helped!
*Kat*