Midnight to Dawn-Prologue

Note: I thought of a really good book idea this morning when I was sleep. It came from a video that happened to be on VH1 when I woke up. I was dancing and singing along because it was Evanescence and I sorta listen to their music. Well anyways, I can't remember what the song was called to save my life but this is a werewolf story. I hope to continue you it and make it unique. So enjoy and critique hard!



Midnight to Dawn
By Angel of Death

Prologue

The shade of blue in the sky darkened, as I walked deeper into the forest. Leaves crunched under my boots attuned with the faint hooting of the owls. It was almost time for dinner. My grandmother would hate if I were late home. She had told me not to travel alone in the woods, for vicious animals and winding paths would await me. As usual, I could not extinguish the thirst for adventure that burned in my feet. With the basket from the last delivery clutched tightly in my hand, I looked around, hoping to find my way back to where I started. There were trees taller than skyscrapers and strangely shaped shadows crawling around in the fading light. The wind started to comb through my hair and weave in and out of the limbs of the trees. Branches waved at me from above, making my heart flutter. Pulling the red hood farther over my head, I took a couple tentative steps forward. I remembered passing a tree with moss on the side of it and if I could just find that one tree then-but they were all covered in moss. They were all tall and as the day sunk farther into night, they became tall, dark patrons of the night. Howls broke out in the distance, but I could not be sure if it was just the wind or the vicious animals my grandmother had warned me about. I could feel my feet plant into the ground and a sudden chill resonate throughout my body. In my peripheral peak something moved from behind a bush. It was on all fours and its eyes shone in the darkness. A gasp fell out of my mouth as I continued forward, my pace started off as a quick walk. I tried hard to remember the lessons from my wilderness survival classes, but my mind was numb. The only thing that I knew was fear and it was governing my body. Tears welled up in my eyes, and the moving shadows were increasing, making it impossible to run.
These are strong, vicious creatures, Scarlet. Bucharest has many stories about them. They are called werewolves.
Fairy tales and make-believe were never real to me but the fear and concern in my grandmother's eyes was. She had warned me and I had not listened. The leaves rustled and growls nearby floated on top of the cold night air. White eyes surrounded me in pairs, coming closer and closer, until I could make out animals on all fours with sharp fangs and furry bodies. A scream itched in my throat, as I stumbled backwards and fell to the floor. Pain surged through my back but I bit my lip to keep from yelping. The wolves advanced forward, snarling and drooling. There was no hope for me. I tried one last time to remember what Mr. Hoover taught me in Survival 101 but the only thing I could recall was what you would do if you came in contact with a bear.
Fall to the ground as quickly as you can and lie very still. Animals usually like to fight for their food and will not attack you if you are not a threat or a challenge.
Seeing as though I was already on the ground, I lay flat and closed my eyes. This was a crazy thing to do but it was all I could do. There were more of them than me and if I made them pursue me they'd become more hungry and then it would be impossible to escape. I could hear them getting closer, their breaths coming slowly and easily now. A howl escaped from one's mouth and then the rest of them stopped moving. It grew silent. I thought that they had gone but then something wet touched my cheek, forcing my eyes open. I was face to face with a wolf and up close it did not look so scary. The wolf looked back at the rest of its pack and then took a few steps back. A great light surrounded it and then, before my eyes, it transformed. The creature's four legs morphed into two and then its claws became hands and feet. The light devoured it until he took full human form. The wolf was a man. He had dark curly hair and pale porcelain skin, the rest of his features were drowned out by the pitch blackness of the night and the sudden drowsiness sweeping over me.
"Leave us," he said, and then the others bounded off into the forest. I wanted to thank him for having mercy but then the fear that was slowly slipping away resurrected itself. This was who my grandmother had warned me about, especially. He was the Prince of the night and if he captured you, the price would be your freedom. I was his prisoner now. I would never see home again.

I like this! A very nice twist on Little Red Riding Hood.

I have a couple of nitpicks.

As usual, I could not extinguish the thirst for adventure that burned in my feet.

This part confused me. How can her feet be thirsty? Maybe you could say: I could not extinguish the desire for adventure that burned in my feet. It would make more sense.

The ending seemed a little rushed to me. Maybe you could have flashbacks throughout the prologue of your main character's grandmother telling her about the werewolves instead of dumping it on us in the beginning and end. Space it out more.

All in all, this well written and I wish it was longer. I'm excited to see where you take this.

PM me when you post chapter 1!

Nariel

*Mental note to KJ* Get back to this...

If I haven't posted a review by tomorrow night, will you be kind enough to give me a poke, Angel?

The shade of blue in the sky darkened, as I walked deeper into the forest.

You don't need a comma there, it's an unnecessary pause.

As usual, I could not extinguish the thirst for adventure that burned in my feet.

Okay...it's sounding a little like athletes foot now...

The wind started to comb through my hair and weave in and out of the limbs of the trees.

This is a little awkward, and I think you have a misplaced modifier. It's hard to tell if you mean that the wind is weaving in and out of the trees, or if her hair is.

Pulling the red hood farther over my head, I took a couple tentative steps forward.

Little red riding hood? She's going to her grandmothers house, has a basket and a red hood... Is this a fanfic?

I remembered passing a tree with moss on the side of it and if I could just find that one tree [s]then[/s]-but they were all covered in moss.

They were all tall and as the day sunk farther into night, they became tall, dark patrons of the night.

Repetition of the word tall.

He was the Prince of the night and if he captured you, the price would be your freedom. I was his prisoner now. I would never see home again.

If I recall, he said, "Leave us." That normally doesn't constitute as taking a prisoner.
_____________________________________

Okay, so there were a few logistic things you could fix, but not a bad start overall. My biggest problem was that fanfic, and trust me, you cannot just take a fairy tale, rewrite it, and call it yours. Go all or nothing on this. Scarlet is no Little Red Riding Hood, and if she is, then you can't give yourself credit for anything but twisting the words of a classic. Note, it's been done before, but it's not the more original path to a brilliant story.

I would say, change the coincidences, make it yours, and continue. You've got a good start, keep it going.

-JC

Thanks all for the critiques, they were much appreciated and I will edit soon.

Well to answer everyone's suspicions or whatever you'd like to call them, this is not Fanfic and nor will I ever write one. This may seem like Little Red Riding Hood because

1. There are wolves
2. She is wearing a red hood
3. She has a basket

Okay I will admit, Scarlet was delivering treats for her grandmother who owns a small bakery. She is an eighteen year old girl who has just lost her parents in a car crash and her and her brother had to go live with their only remaining relatives in Bucharest, Romania. This prologue has a little of adventure to it but throughout the beginning parts of the story she is not in no fantasy world and there is not any mention of werewolves. She is in school and has a normal teenage life. Okay?


To clear up the scene where the Prince says "leave us" As you can see, he is merely ordering the other wolves who were looking for a night snack to, to leave. That does not mean he will not take her as prisoner and no it does not mean he will let her go. It is just Scarlet had heard so many stories and can't help but believe them now. I personally liked the Little Red Riding Hood story as a child and take it as a compliment if this is slightly compared to it.

All in all, please continue to read and do not assume things to quickly. It is only the prologue.

Thank you,

~Angel

I get it that you're trying to write your own story, but the coincidence is a little off-putting, if you would like to call it completely your own. I don't mean to sound discouraging at all, but would it be so bad to use a color other than red? Maybe a backpack instead of a basket? I don't know. Like I said, the story is good, I love what you have so far. I just think that you could twist a few little things here and there and give it much more origionality.

And I just re-read the "leave us" line, and I get it now.

Yeah, maybe I can do without the color red. I wasn't completely attached, anyway. ha ha I used a basket? Okay now I see where people might think this is Little Red Riding Hood, I'll change this to a purse. JC I didn't think you sounded discouraging, if I came off put down or something, it was because I'm frustrated about NaNo. I'm doing everything but write my nano novel and I'm way behind, but I really do appreciate your comment and it was really helpful. ^_^
Thanks,

~Angel

Okay, I'm back.

Hey Angel. I just wanted to pay you back for all the reviews and reads you've done for me in the past. So here it is - and I'm warning you in advance; I sound harsh at times. Keep in mind I'm just in a hurry and don't like to mince words

The shade of blue in the sky darkened, as I walked deeper into the forest. Leaves crunched under my boots attuned with the faint hooting of the owls. It was almost time for dinner. My grandmother would hate [I think you're missing the word it here] if I were late home. She had told me not to travel alone in the woods, [Instead of for, why don't you use because? It makes this a little less melodramatic] for vicious animals and winding paths would await me [Why don't you add a more threatening prospect here - those winding paths and animals are there no matter if she walks alone or wit a whole group, right?]. [New paragraph] As usual, I could not extinguish the thirst for adventure that burned in my feet [This sentence doesn't make sense. Reword]. With the basket from the last delivery clutched tightly in my hand, I looked around, hoping to find my way back to where I started [You never told us she was lost]. There were trees taller than skyscrapers and strangely shaped shadows crawling around [Trees crawl?] in the fading light. The wind [Awkward. How about something like: The wind picked up, combing gently through me hair, and I sensed it weaving in and out of the trees and their leaves. Just a suggestion] started to comb through my hair and weave in and out of the limbs of the trees. Branches waved at me from above, making my heart flutter. Pulling the red hood farther over my head, I took a couple tentative steps forward. I remembered passing a tree with moss on the side of it [Comma] and if I could just find that one tree then [Do a dot-dot-dot thing here, to make the realization of hopelessness more pronounced] -but they were all covered in moss. They were all tall and as the day sunk [Sank, not sunk] farther into night, they became tall [You already said that they were tall. How about imposing or something like that?], dark patrons of the night. Howls broke out in the distance, but I could not be sure if it was just the wind or the vicious animals my grandmother had warned me about. I could feel my feet plant into the ground [Again, awkward. How do you 'feel' your feet 'plant' into the ground? I don't know what to suggest, but this needs work] and a sudden chill resonate throughout my body. In my peripheral peak [Do you mean vision? I've just never heard this expression before...] something moved from behind a bush. It was on all fours [Comma] and its eyes shone in the darkness. A gasp fell out of my mouth [Ick. No. Do something like: A gasp tore out of my throat and hung in the air between the creature and me. Okay, that example is rough, but it's a start] as I continued forward, my pace started off as a quick walk. I tried hard to remember the lessons from my wilderness survival classes [I was under the impression that this was medieval times or somewhere around that time, because of the language you're using and the location and the clothes... Make it more clear, somehow, of what time this really does take place in], but my mind was numb. The only thing that I knew was fear [Comma] and it was governing my body. Tears welled up in my eyes, and the moving shadows were increasing [In number, add. Because they could be increasing in size, darkness, anything. specify], making it impossible to run.

You need to work on your paragraph formatting and punctuation Also, why did she keep walking after her 'feet planted in the ground'?

These are strong, vicious creatures, Scarlet. Bucharest has many stories about them. They are called werewolves. [She doesn't know what the animals are yet - they're hiding in the dark, right? So why would she think of this?]

Fairy tales and make-believe were never real to me [Comma] but the fear and concern in my grandmother's eyes was. She had warned me and I had not listened. The leaves rustled and growls nearby floated on top [Wouldn't it be through?] of the cold night air. White eyes surrounded me in pairs [Hmmm. Not entirely sure about what I'm about to say, but shouldn't the eyes be green? Because cats and dogs' eyes, when shining out of the dark as you say, are either red or green, I believe. Just a thought], coming closer and closer, until I could make out animals on all fours with sharp fangs and furry bodies. A scream itched [How about crawled up?] in my throat, as I stumbled backwards and fell to the floor. Pain surged through my back but I bit my lip to keep from yelping. The wolves advanced forward [Advanced means forward. No need for that little word], snarling and drooling. There was no hope for me. I tried one last time to remember what Mr. Hoover taught me in Survival 101 but the only thing I could recall was what you would do if you came in contact with a bear.

Fall to the ground as quickly as you can and lie very still. Animals usually like to fight for their food and will not attack you if you are not a threat or a challenge.

Seeing as though I was already on the ground, I lay flat and closed my eyes. This was a crazy thing to do [Comma] but it was all I could do. There were more of them than me [Comma] and if I made them pursue me they'd become more hungry and then it would be impossible to escape. I could hear them getting closer, their breaths coming slowly and easily now [It was hard for them to breathe before? Also, I would think that it would become hoarse and guttural with their excitement...]. A howl escaped from one's [Not sure about that apostrophe] mouth and then the rest of them stopped moving [How about froze?]. It grew silent. I thought that they had gone [Comma] but then something wet touched my cheek, forcing my eyes open [It would be more realistic if here eyes just snapped open - licking her cheek isn't going to force them open]. I was face to face [I think it should be face-to-face] with a wolf [Comma] and up close it did not look so scary [Too lightly phrased. How about, It did not seem so terrifying]. The wolf looked back at the rest of its pack and then took a few steps back [Two backs too close together. Change one]. A great light surrounded it [It? What it? Specify, I'm a little confused] and then, before my eyes, it transformed. The creature's four legs morphed into two and then [Add comma and cut the and then] its claws became hands and feet. The light devoured it until he [Your MC shouldn't know it's a man yet, as she states in the next sentence what sex the wolf is] took full human form. The wolf was a man. He had dark curly hair and pale porcelain skin, the rest of his features were drowned out by the pitch blackness of the night and the sudden drowsiness sweeping over me.

"Leave us," he said, and then the others bounded off into the forest. I wanted to thank him for having mercy [Comma] but then the fear that was slowly slipping away resurrected itself [Keep this simple, for this moment. Just use returned]. This was who my grandmother had warned me about, especially. He was the Prince of the night [Comma] and if he captured you, the price would be your freedom. I was his prisoner now. I would never see home again. [How does she even know that this man is the Prince of the Night? Does he have some giveaway feature? A scar or a dimple? Need to rework]

Love the ending.

I was actually bored until the Prince of the Night part. That was a nice touch, and I actually want to read more, now.

I guess I said everything in the review. So feel free to PM me when the next part is posted, Angel. Keep writing.

Your friend,

KJ

*cheers* YAY i love this already. But if i say so myself i am not one for get right to the point, i wish you had beat the bush up a little first and gotten further into the girl's background. BUT that's just my preference on stories.
I liked your similes and metaphors i thought they fit in quiet nicely.
I didn't like the short length, but i think this was just a Prologue so that's OK. *grins sheepishly* and i love the whole Werewolf, human girl romance that i assume will come into play fairly soon. <(^.^<)^(^.^)^(>^.^)>

Hey, Angel!

Sorry I has taken me so long to get to this. I've just been so busy with school and such. You know about the end of the tri craziness

Anyway, this was a really nice read. I liked the air of suspense you had in the beginning. Also, I liked how you had that Prince of the Night thing. Cool addition

I did catch a few things, however:

White eyes surrounded me in pairs, coming closer and closer, until I could make out animals on all fours with sharp fangs and furry bodies.

"Furry" just didn't cut it for me. I'm not sure why it stood out to me so much but it did. I think its just because I know you have an amazing vocabularly and know you can do better I would just change it to something else.

This was a crazy thing to do but it was all I could do.

This sentence is really repetitive and awkward. Maybe try: This was a crazy thing to do, but the only thing I could think of in such a moment or something like that.

There were more of them than me and if I made them pursue me they'd become more hungry and then it would be impossible for me to escape.

Okay, there is a few things wrong with this one.
1. Obviously there are more than there is of her. I just don't like that beginning. I would either cut that out or rewrite it to make it more interesting.
2. I'm not really sure what you mean by "if I make them pursue me"? I would try to be more clear with that.
3. And the bold words above is what I added just because I thought it sounded better that way

I was face to face with a wolf and up close it did not look so scary.

Why didn't it no longer look scary? Was it it's eyes? Teeth? What? Use that wonderful description I know you have!

He was the Prince of the night and if he captured you, the price would be your freedom.

"Night" Should be capitalized since it's a title and also, I just wanted to hightlight this point because I liked the title and the interesting addition you have here. It really got my attention!

Well, that's all I really have to correct.

I defenitely look forward to more of this!

PM me when you post more!

Thanks Ash, and I understand, school just takes up a lot time. The review was much appreciated, as always, and I'm so happy that you like it because I was starting to not like it but I'll continue this!

Thanks again!

I really liked this. I've read your other stories, and I've learned to NEVER assume things cause I usually get surprised.
It does sound a bit like little red riding hood, but the way that its going now, I can tell you'll make it your own. I really can't wait to see where you go with this. PM when you write more.

I thought it was good I enjoyed reading it...and since it seems like everyone posted most of the nit picky mistakes I really have anything to say except...

GOOD JOB GOOD JOB GOOD JOB GOOD JOB GOOD JOB GOOD JOB GOOD JOB GOOD JOB GOOD JOB GOOD JOB GOOD JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yes I love to repeat myself lol!