Girls rule and boys drool (over her) part 1/2/10

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Part 1/2/10. (Part one, of two, of ten.)

So this is my new series that I've got going. It's about 5 girls, and each girl gets two short stories, the first one with a cliffhanger ending as you'll see.

****

Girls Rules and Boys Drool (Over Her)

“Girls rule!”

Every Saturday at nine this gets shouted, the five of us stand on whatever roof we happen to be under and shout that to the sky. That’s because every Saturday from six to nine, we’re all seven years old again.

“We” meaning myself (Rachel) and my four best friends, Jamie, Darcie, Myra, and Hope. If I had to separate my friends into how much I love them, Darcie would be at the bottom. All the guys I know are in love with her. Now that wouldn’t bug me so much as the fact that she doesn’t do any flirting with them! I know, I’ve asked what her secret is and she’s replied that she didn’t have one at all. So I love her the least out of pure jealousy.

Very few guys have ever paid attention to me. They’ve always got their eyes glued to her because she’s so pretty. It’s annoying. Mostly because they come to me for God knows what reason to get advice on how to tell her.

The best advice I’ve given:
Don’t tell her.

Don’t you miss the old days? The days when guys still had cooties and liked chasing you around with worms, and when you got into the subject of kissing in front of your parents the simple answer to “why would a guy want to stick his tongue in my mouth?” was because he wanted you to bite it off? Do you miss those days to? I know I do. I miss the days before hormones told us guys were hot or nerds, or whatever else we label guys as.

I miss the days before I was hopelessly in love with Josh. Josh was this good for nothing, punk who had a motorcycle. He had only a vague idea I existed. I was the librarian to him. If he had something he needed to find anywhere, I’d be able to tell him.

And oh how I loved when I had to show him where he had to go. I’d ask if he wanted to go the fast or the slow way, he’d always say the slow way. We’d walk and we’d talk, and then the next day he’d forget all about me.

The greatest days are the days when he needs to find something. Today was one of those great days. He needed help finding a better place to eat lunch. My inner core screamed out to tell him with me.

I asked him what kind of place he was looking for; our school didn’t confine us to the cafeteria during lunch like most schools. We were free to roam the halls if we wished.

“A place where you and I could have a conversation undisturbed for the most part.”

I swallowed hard, oh god. He wanted to talk. That could mean only one of two things. He wanted to get to know me better (which meant he liked me) or he knew I was in love with him and wanted me to lay off.

“There’s the spot behind the vending machine?” I suggested. He nodded and we started walking that way. Awkward silence… “What did you want to talk about?”

He shrugged, “nothing in particular.”

He wasn’t a poker player, he didn’t bluff and I knew that was the truth. He just wanted to talk! My heart did tap dances in my chest. Very elaborate tap dances too, with ballet leaps and summer salts and back flips cartwheels, you name it my heart was doin it.

We sat there and started talking…sorta. There was more just questioning and responding with single words before another awkward silence appeared. I hated it.

Finally I snapped. “You said you wanted to talk!”

He looked at me shocked. “I do.”

“We’re not talking!”

“I…” his cheeks started to turn red. He was…blushing? I didn’t even know he could blush!

“Josh…I like you okay? If that’s what you wanted to know when you came over here you have it now you can go.”

He sighed. “It was…but I’m not going anywhere quite yet.” He looked at me, “I need your help.”

“With what?”

“Getting Darcie to like me.”

My jaw dropped. “You didn’t just say that did you?”

He nodded, “I did.”

I couldn’t believe what I had just heard him say…

(Look for part 2 soon!)
Last edited by Alice on Sat May 24, 2008 3:58 am, edited 1 time in total.
I just lost the game.




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Hi.
It is interesting. I would like to read second part too. Please e-mail me, when you submit, ok?
Well, it is so difficult to be on place of your hero. I know girls, which are not as beutiful as their own friends. This is very bad problem for them.
Luckily, I don`t belong to their group. That would be so bad.
I always try to help girls like your hero. I tell them, that there always is one boy, who will love you and not anyone`s beauty. Soon or later, the body`s Beauty will dissapear and only sole beauty stays.
I looking forward to read next part.
Keep going.




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Aww man. Major bummer for your MC.
A guy she likes, likes her best friend. (Who she loves the least, but is still her best friend.)
I'd never like to be put in that situation. Never ever. Haha.

Well, let's see...
There are no mistakes as far as I can see. Yup. No mistakes whatsoever. ^^

I can't wait for the next part! PM me when you post it! :D
I'd love to read it. :)
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with ballet leaps and summer salts and back flips cartwheels, you name it my heart was doing it.
- Ay! That has something wrong with it but I'm not sure.... Maybe commas?

This was very interesting. One of those stories you can't wait for what happens.

*Whisper* Hey was Josh just trying to get close to the girl to ask about that?....

And another thing. Why didn't he respond to what she told him. 'I like you okay?' would have dropped a lot of guys mouths at my school. Just because.
We've all been broken in some way. It's just how we express it that makes us dffrent form eachother.

“This precious book of love, this unbound lover,
To beautify him only lacks a cover.”
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Thats a story which you generally get to see in school among the teens,it is ofcourse interesting to read.

Even me want to know when is the next coming up?Actually as soons as I saw the topic in the home page I rushed here.lol.

I've got the same questions as ambercoultis that why was their no reply to her saying of "'I like you okay?"?

Don’t you miss the old days? The days when guys still had cooties and liked chasing you around with worms, and when you got into the subject of kissing in front of your parents the simple answer to “why would a guy want to stick his tongue in my mouth?” was because he wanted you to bite it off? Do you miss those days to? I know I do. I miss the days before hormones told us guys were hot or nerds, or whatever else we label guys as.

I think that should be too.

Overall all good. :)
"A good plot is like a dream.If you dont write down your dream on paper the moment you wake up,the chances are you'll forget it and it'll be gone forever"-Roald Dalh.




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Agree with Amber about the backflips and stuff with your heart. COMMAS! I'm seeing a lack of grammar in here. M'dear Alice, that isn't like you! Lack of grammar turns me off. (for lack of a better term)

Also--I hate to say this--I noticed that this is following a plot I'm seeing a LOT today. Which means...

CLICHE! AAAAAAAAAAH!

Make it interesting (add a new twist)...or make it a subplot. Don't make it the only apparent thing in the story, though. Or the ONLY plot. Several plots can make a big climax.

Pretty good. Spelling errors and the darn rest are covered. Don't need to sound like a broken record. I've had enough of those.

Sorry for all the drama in this. I drank too much coffee today. ;)
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that sucks....

it is cliche though, but i have a feeling it could get interesting witha little attention to the plot.

what's it like from darchie's point of view?




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(That's actually coming up, I'm going from POV to POV every other part)
I just lost the game.




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Your main character is totally relatable, I've been in that situation and know exactly how she feels! It's a total bummer for her and I can't wait to see how she will resolve it. I only caught one grammatical error... please message me once you write the second part. I can't wait!

Great job
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Saturday from six to nine, we’re all seven years old again.


Aw! I love that line!


“We” meaning myself, (Rachel) and my four best friends, Jamie, Darcie, Myra, and Hope. If I had to separate my friends into how much I love them, Darcie would be at the bottom. All the guys I know are in love with her. Now, that wouldn’t bug me so much as the fact that she doesn’t do any flirting with them! I know, I’ve asked what her secret is and she’s replied that she didn’t have one at all. So I love her the least out of pure jealousy.


Very few guys have ever paid attention to me. They’ve always got their eyes glued to her because she’s so pretty. It’s annoying(;mostly because...). Mostly because they come to me for God knows what reason to get advice on how to tell her (that they like her).


I miss the days before I was hopelessly in love with Josh. Josh was this good for nothing, punk who had a motorcycle.


Put, "good-for-nothig punk." No commas. Add dashes if you want to.

And oh how I loved when I had to show him where he had to go. I’d ask if he wanted to go the fast or the slow way, he’d always say the slow way.


Comma after, "And oh." And say, "he'd always ask for the slow way" rather than "say the slow way."

My inner core screamed out to tell him with me.


Quotations around "with me."

We were free to roam the halls if we wished.


"As we wished," not "if we wished."


...could have a conversation undisturbed for the most part.”


Comma after "undisturbed." "So you and I could have a conversation undisturbed, for the most part."


I swallowed hard, oh god. He wanted to talk. That could mean only one of two things. He wanted to get to know me better (which meant he liked me) or he knew I was in love with him and wanted me to lay off.


Put, "I swallowed hard. Oh god." and "That could mean only one of two things: he wanted to get to know me better.. and this, that, and the other."

“There’s the spot behind the vending machine?” I suggested.


That wasn't a question - put a period, not a question mark.

He shrugged, “nothing in particular.”


"He shrugged. "Nothing in particular.""


He wasn’t a poker player, so he didn’t bluff and I knew that was the truth. He just wanted to talk! My heart did tap dances in my chest. Very elaborate tap dances too, with ballet leaps and summer salts and back flips cartwheels, you name it my heart was doing it.


Haha. I love the heart-dance thing.


We sat there and started talking…sorta. There was more just questioning and responding with single words before another awkward silence appeared. I hated it.


"We sat there and talked... sort of. There was just more questioning and single-word answers before another awkward silence appeared. I hated it."


He looked at me, shocked. “I do.”


“We’re not talking!”


We *aren't* talking.


“I…” his cheeks started to turn red. He was…[Space here]blushing? I didn’t even know he could blush!


“Josh…I like you, okay? If that’s what you wanted to know when you came over here you have it. [N] now you can go.”


He sighed. “It was…[Space here]but I’m not going anywhere quite yet.” He looked at me, [period, not comma] “I need your help.”


My jaw dropped. “You didn’t just say that, did you?”


He nodded,
[Period]
“I did.”


**

Alright - you have a bit of a dilemma confusing commas and periods, along with where to end your sentences. Your dialogue is fairly weak, for it's just, well, incredibly sterotypical. I mean, I've read so many stories with the same exact plot line! Alice, knowing you, you can absoloutely do so much better with this. Try to put a turn on events - make somebody get kidnapped, or have Darcie secretly be dating somebody else.

You're MC sounds like a love-struck fifth grader. Is she 11 (it would be nice to know. It's hard to judge her without knowing how old she is)?

I hoped I helped with my critique. Edit this, and maybe change the dialogue around a little. See how it goes.

Have fun! Keep writing!
~*Sara*~
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Funny and fast-paced. (Fast-paced is always good.) Not a whole lot I can say, since this is only the beginning, BUT --

"Girls Rules"

Rule.

"'We' meaning myself (Rachel)"

I wouldn't reveal the MC's name using parentheses; rather, work it into the dialogue -- e.g., "Hey Rachel, how's it going?"

"when you got into the subject of kissing in front of your parents the simple answer to 'why would a guy want to stick his tongue in my mouth?' was because he wanted you to bite it off?"

Good line.

"Do you miss those days to?"

Too.

I'd be sure your dialogue has enough commas -- some lines sound like they're being said breathlessly. Try to insert pauses where people would normally pause.

For instance: "'Josh…I like you okay? If that’s what you wanted to know when you came over here you have it now you can go.'"

Woah, slow down speed racer. Unless she's just spewing this out thoughtlessly and in a hurry, she needs to have some degree of regular speaking rhythm.

How about this? "'Josh... I like you, okay? If that's what you wanted to know when you came over here, you have it now. You can go.'"

Good start, Alice. Keep up the steady clip in future installments and this should turn out great.




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:smt041
:smt040
I thought this was well written. just a few things. You say "to" instead of "too" in the first paragraph. If you want to get something published in the future, your editors will expect you to be able to catch mistakes like this. (they'll be busy checking for errors in plot and character behavior)

:smt068 :smt072


:smt075 :smt080 :smt081

Another question:
Why is she so surprised that yet ANOTHER boy asks her about how to get to the queen bee of the social structure?
With this magical drrrink I shall RULE THE WORLD! Mwhahahaha!




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:smt041
:smt040
I thought this was well written. just a few things. You say "to" instead of "too" in the first paragraph. If you want to get something published in the future, your editors will expect you to be able to catch mistakes like this. (they'll be busy checking for errors in plot and character behavior)

:smt068 :smt072


:smt075 :smt080 :smt081

Another question:
Why is she so surprised that yet ANOTHER boy asks her about how to get to the queen bee of the social structure?
With this magical drrrink I shall RULE THE WORLD! Mwhahahaha!




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This was okay. Perhaps a bit cliche, with the guy this girl likes falling for someone else she knows. There could be more dialouge, showing who the friends are, instead of your MC kind of describing them. The idea is pretty good, though. It could be interesting.
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Aww...typical girl likes boy but boy likes best friend.

But, it was still really cute.

It really is too short for me to say anything else. You have the MC emotions right and all the other stuff.

I do think you could use some description, however. What does Josh look like? What does the MC look like? What does Darcie look like? What makes her so pretty??

But besides that, it was good. PM me when you post more! :D
Last edited by ashleylee on Tue Jun 03, 2008 9:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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