I Think I'm In Love #1

I said that I would review your post, so here i am.
The spacing was really well put out, and the only thing that really bugged me was when use thhe words:

[quote] I was like...
That was the only thing that drived me nuts and I know that's how the character thinks, but please try not to do it again, O.k?
Other than that, It was good but kinda' short, you should have continued and made it so that she actually meets the guy that sent her the note (unless you wanted it like that, then that's fine)
KEEP IT UP!
shanan-cat!

Well, I didn't expect this to get this many reviews. I mean, 2 pages of reviews for only 2 pages of typing. Well done!

Lol

Well, I just wrote chapter two. I'll post it tomorrow!

BBB

(and by the way, I cut out the whole scene with her dad. This story is goign to be pure diary entries.)

I quite enjoyed this, but the thing is, look, I know you have a Y chromosome, but you have to realise that not all girls are so... well... girly. A diary covered with hearts and rainbows? Is that likely? If she has a traumatic life, she's not going to be your typical damsel in distress. Let me let you in on a secret, your character doesn't have to be so stereotypical to be a girl.

Apart from that, I really loved your last line, it illustrated her way of escape beautifully.

I think that I’m in love. Crap! Now that I finally put that onto paper it sounds so freaking cheesy! But still – I really believe it.

I actually really like this beginning you have here. It seems geniune, to me anyway.

A note: I suggest making it clearer that it is a letter or diary entry (or whatever it is), but that it is written out.

Mr. Jones, my first period history teacher, called out my name in front of the whole class. The Student Body Officers were there, delivering roses that the school had put up from sale. So, Mr. Jones said my name I was like, “What?”

These events feel awkward to me. You kind of just have this event happening very quickly. Perhaps say that the roses were being delivered first, then saying she got one. And it's unlikely she was the only one who got one, but if she is, make sure you emphasize that.

It wasn’t until Darien, the girl that sat in front of me, turned around and said, “Oh, you got one? Who would give you one?”

This sounds really mean at first, but the second half of the sentence makes me think it's not. An adverb describing the tag might help here. (Though I don't normally suggest that, it would help clear things up.)

I went around school that day, forcing people to read my note that was attached to the lovely rose that I received. And you know what? Not one person knew who he was.

Specifics would serve you well here. Instead of saying everybody, mention two or three people, and then say that no one knew who he was.

I [s]like,[/s] seriously hope that I find Jesse tomorrow at school… oh… will he like me?

While her girly diction is a good thing most of the time, be careful not to use it too much or the reader will tire of it quickly.

It looks like you've omitted the rest, so I suggest you expand upon what you have. I say give us a little bit more about her before she got to school and more about her life in general. Even though it is her writing, we can still get an idea of what she is like besides the rose incident.

Why did you putlines through so much of it? That made reading it difficult. I know a few people put negative comments about the parts after the diary entry, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't make it so that other people can't read it. Since I don't want to repeat anything that has already been said, I have two suggestions. Some of the comments were about the character being a cliched girly girl. Although cliches never bothered me, stock characters (that are obviously the exact same person no matter what setting you put them in) do. Make her an individual, not just any girl. Also, it might be an idea to try writing it entirely in journal format. Until you've mastered them on their own, combining formats can make things more difficult than they need to be.

Heya! Don't we all just hate writer's block? lol. This was really good, a grat job. Not too overboard with girly stuff either to my opinion. Sorry this is breif, but I will spend lon ger on part 3, s it is the last, right? This was quite a nice romance, I wich I could write this to get out of writer's block! Such talent!

Ok well I don't know if I'm repeating anyone here or not, since I'm lazy to read all the reviews XD but I really thought the main idea of it was nice and cute, but maybe let up a bit on the whole girly thing. I get that you're trying to show how a girl would feel in that situation, but I think you over did it a tad. You've got a hand on it, but maybe just lighten up on it a bit. Other than that it's cute and I would love to read more.

Good job Jared

-Lindsay

Hey, I think you did a really good job of writing this for being a guy. I mean, and take this from a girl's perspective, that I think you didn't go overboard with any girly stuff and I liked reading it. Tell me if you continue this because I would really like to read more of it!

That was funny. I'm really tired right now, so when I started reading this I forgot that you said you were writing this in a girl's perspective, so all those exaggerated things you put in there, I thought was all a guy, and it was freakin' hilarious. lol. But when I figured it out, it was all good. Keep writing.

....laugh to myself one more time...

oh my goshh !
this is amazingg !
reading the rest [:
keep it going xD

All I can say is great plot. I'm really impressed by how you did this POV thing. I don't see many guys writing from a girls POV. Very, very well written. Just a few... nit-picky things.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BigBadBear wrote: I think that I’m in love. Crap! Now that I finally put that onto paper it sounds so freaking cheesy! But still – I really believe it.

Ok, you see, today was Valentines Day and when I went to school I didn’t really think that I would be getting anything. But I was so wrong! Mr. Jones, my first period history teacher, called out my name in front of the whole class. The Student Body Officers were there, delivering roses that the school had put up from sale. So, Mr. Jones said my name I was like, “What?”

"Ok" should be "okay". And the sentence that says: "The Student Body Officers were there, delivering roses that the school had put up from sale." doesn't really make sense... Might want to think about fixing that. "So, Mr. Jones said my name I was like, "What?" Run-on sentence. Maybe change this sentence to: "Mr. Jones called my name. "What?" I exclaimed.

A couple of people looked at me like I was poisoned ivy our something and I started walking up to get the rose.

"Poisoned" should be "poison". And "our" should be "or".

Oh, the rose! It was so beautiful. My heart literally jumped out of my throat as I grabbed it, then I hurried and skidded back to my seat.

The rose was so… so… so red! I was at my desk, my mouth open and perhaps some drool… well, drooling out, and I was completely shocked. Who’d given me this amazingly beautiful rose?

"The rose was so... so... so red!" Really, you just need to tell us that it was a red rose. Repetition isn't needed here. Truthfully, the drool part was unnecessary, also.

It wasn’t until Darien, the girl that sat in front of me, turned around and said, “Oh, you got one? Who would give you one?” that I realized there was a card hanging off of it. My eyes suddenly expanded as I saw the little tag that was attached to it by red ribbon.

“Dear Emily,
My heart belongs to yours. Be my Valentine.
- Jesse Brandon”

I think it should be: "My heart belongs to "you"."

Oh, gosh. Jesse Brandon? Who is he? I went around school that day, forcing people to read my note that was attached to the lovely rose that I received. And you know what? Not one person knew who he was.

I like, seriously hope that I find Jesse tomorrow at school… oh… will he like me? I’m so nervous. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight. Sorry, I’ve run out of room. I’ll write back tomorrow!

Adding the "like" after "I" is a bit of an exaggeration... But, if you want, it's okay that it's there. If you do decide to get rid of the "like", you should delete the comma too. "school... oh... will he like me?" Um... if he sent you the rose and card, he definitely likes you. There's no need to question yourself. I never question myself as to whether a guy likes me if he sends me a card or a rose or such.

Forever,
Emily

I like, seriously hope that I find Jesse tomorrow at school… oh… will he like me? I’m so nervous.

i know it's difficult for a guy to write form a girl's perspective, but if someone was taking the time to write in a diary, i don't think they would be that ditzy sounding. no offence.

and perhaps some drool… well, drooling out, and I was completely shocked

i think it this sounds a little awkward, and i think she would probably be more embarrassed if she was drooling in school. and i'm not sure why she's drooling over the rose.

Who’d given me this amazingly beautiful rose?

i liked this bit because it showed how she was giddy and being a little overdramatic.

The rose was so… so… so red!

this seems more of a thought process than something someone would write in a diary.



other than those few things, that was good. I'll keep reading when im less tired. lol.