Young Writers Society

You were still lying on the floor, being your lazy self. You liked to lie in peace and think. Everything happened so fast. The forest, to the fight, and now this. So much in three days. Each day was so epic. You really wanted to take a break from all of that.

You missed your small apartment, and friends who talk about anything with you. You wondered about everything. What would it be like to stay with Aiden would he keep his promise to stop abusing you? Did he finally move on and forget about your love. And did your parents ever wonder where you ran away to,after breaking up with Aiden. Did they even know?

everything in your life was now a mystery and it would take a lot of work and coaxing from people to solve it. You weren't anything close to relaxed now you were stressed. Why did you Even take the assiment so suddenly. Your stupid curiosity, your dumb stubbornness, you could of lived like a normal girl if you hadn't denied your parent's plans for you. They are now disgraced of you.

You soon bean to get a head ache. You went to Jaden's room to find pain relief medicine in his medicine cabinet since your bath had probably a now dried pool of blood everywhere.

You found a small bottle of aspirin. You took two pills with some water you scooped up with your hand. You than began to walk out of the room but for some reason you fainted.

You woke up on Jaden's bed.

"You okay?" He asked

"Yeah." you said while you stomach growled

You hadn't eaten much at your stay.

"Looks like you weren't the only one who needed food." he said giving a hand to help you up.

You took it and he soon threw you over his shoulders.

"Put me down!" you demanded

"No, you might fall down the stairs." He teased

You growled "Nuh uh..."

"uh huh..." Jaden replied

You let out a pout.

"Come on I don't want you to get hurt, You've had like a black out a day." He said

"Fine but piggy back, this feels weird." you said like a little girl

"okay." he sighed

The "fun" ride was now over you were now in the kitchen.

"What do you usually eat?" he asked

"I'll go for anything right now, I'm starved." You said holding on to your stomach

"Easy mac?" he asked

"Sure." I said

You took a seat on a stool next the counter kind of like a bar. A place you've never really been before. You were always a good girl. Jaden took a seat next to you while the "easy mac" was in the microwave.

"Sorry about earlier, I just didn't wan t to leave you in the house alone so I forced myself to go with out blood for awhile." he said

"I know." You replied

Soon the microwave began to beep. You got off and took it out and added the cheese stuff. You brought it to the counter. You sat and realized you didn't have a fork.

"First drawer to the right by the fridge." Jaden said

You got a fork and went back to the counter.

You poked the noodles looking down again in awkward silence

"You know I'm pretty sure it's already dead" Jaden teased

"You took a fork full and shoved it in his mouth" and gave him a smirk

"This stuff is hot!" he screeched

"Yep, I'm waiting for it to cool down not seeing if it was alive. Say your sorry." You said as if you were a first grader that couldn't take mean jokes.

"Sorry Lacey." Jaden said hugging you

He soon went to the freezer and got an ice cube to suck on.

You laughed at that.

"What my tongue hurts, thanks to you." he said

"My bad" you replied

After finishing you food. You were pumped and ready to jump around. You missed the company and wanted to do something fun.

"I'm bored" You whined

"We have to go to your house first to pick up your things" Jaden said

"On the way back can we go to the mall, or something" You whined even more

"Fine." Jaden said

"Yay!" you said

Jaden laughed and turned on the radio and plugged his ipod in.

"Writing On The Walls" by UnderOATH was playing.

By the time the song "Thunder" by Boys Like Girls was done playing you were at the apartment building.You told Jaden he could wait in the car.

He nodded.

You unlocked the door to your apartment finding your parents and Aiden in there. "Oh Mystery solved, what joy" you thought to yourself.

I said I'd get to this later, so here I am again.

You were still lying on the floor, being your lazy self. You liked to lie in peace and think. Everything happened so fast. The forest, to the fight, and now this. So much in three days. Each day was so epic. You really wanted to take a break from all of that.

You missed your small apartment, and friends who talk about anything with you. You wondered about everything. What would it be like to stay with Aiden and would he keep his promise to stop abusing you? Did he finally move on and forget about your love? And did your parents ever wonder where you ran away to,after breaking up with Aiden? Did they even know?

Everything in your life was now a mystery and it would take a lot of work and coaxing from people to solve it. You weren't anything close to relaxed now; you were stressed. Why did you even take the assignment so suddenly? Your stupid curiosity, your dumb stubbornness, you could of lived like a normal girl if you hadn't denied your parents's [I am assuming that you mean BOTH parents, so the apost. needs to go AFTER the s.] plans for you. They are now disgraced of you. You may need to re-word that last sentence a little. It sounds kind of odd with the way you have it there. I'm not sure what you should change it to, but 'They are now disgraced of you' doesn't work. Switch it around.

You soon began to get a headache [color=red[Headache is one word.][/color]. You went to Jaden's room to find pain relief medicine in his medicine cabinet since your bath had probably a now dried pool of blood everywhere. Mmm... another not so flowing sentence. Try '...since your bath now probably had a pool of dried blood everywhere' or something to that effect.

You found a small bottle of aspirin. You took two pills with some water you scooped up with your hand. [Scooped up? Huh?]You then began to walk out of the room, but for some reason, you fainted. [That was bold. Why don't you describe a few things that happen, leading to my fainting? Tell that I wobble as I walk, and everything is doubled, and I'm dizzy, and blah blah blah. Flat out telling, kinda ruins it for the reader.]

You woke up on Jaden's bed.

"You okay?" He asked.

"Yeah." You said while your stomach growled.

You hadn't eaten much at your stay.

"Looks like you weren't the only one who needed food." He said, giving a hand to help you up.

You took it and he [s]soon[/s] threw you over his shoulders.

"Put me down!" You demanded.

"No, you might fall down the stairs." He teased.

You growled, "Nuh uh..."

"Uh huh..." Jaden replied.

You [s]let out a[/s] pout. [You don't let out a pout, you just... pout, or you begin to pout. Letting things it is for like making noise.]

"Come on I don't want you to get hurt. You've had like a black out every day." He said. [Using 'every' sounds better than 'a'. Too many of the same words disturbs the flow.]

"Fine, but piggy back; this feels weird." You said like a little girl.

"Okay." He sighed.

The "fun" ride was now over; you were now in the kitchen.

"What do you usually eat?" He asked.

"I'll go for anything right now, I'm starved." You said, holding on to your stomach.

"Easy mac?" He asked.

"Sure." I said. [You switched tenses. Shouldn't 'I' be 'you'? This whole thing is in second person P.O.V after all...]

You took a seat on a stool next the counter kind of like a bar. A place you've never really been before. You were always a good girl. [Too many fragments right there. Try to find a way to combine them into one neat sentence.] Jaden took a seat next to you while the "easy mac" was in the microwave.

"Sorry about earlier, I just didn't want to leave you in the house alone so I forced myself to go with out blood for awhile." He said.

"I know." You replied.

Soon the microwave began to beep. You got off and took it out and added the cheese stuff. You brought it to the counter. You sat and realized you didn't have a fork. Too repetative. You've used 'you' three times, and there are more fragments. Combine them and try to use other words.]

"First drawer to the right by the fridge." Jaden said.

You got a fork and went back to the counter.

You poked the noodles, looking down again in awkward silence.

"You know I'm pretty sure it's already dead." Jaden teased.

"You took a fork full and shoved it in his mouth" and gave him a smirk. [Umm... why do you have quotes around the first half of this sentence? No one is speaking.]

"This stuff is hot!" He screeched.

"Yep, I'm waiting for it to cool down not seeing if it was alive. Say you're sorry." You said as if you were a first grader that couldn't take mean jokes.

"Sorry Lacey." Jaden said, hugging you.

He soon went to the freezer and got an ice cube to suck on.

You laughed at that.

"What? My tongue hurts, thanks to you." He said.

"My bad." You replied.

After finishing your food, you were pumped and ready to jump around. You missed the company and wanted to do something fun.

"I'm bored." You whined.

"We have to go to your house first to pick up your things." Jaden said.

"On the way back, can we go to the mall, or something?" You whined even more.

"Fine." Jaden said.

"Yay!" You said. [Use 'cried' instead of 'said'. It shows enthusiasm.]

Jaden laughed, [s]and[/s] turned on the radio, and plugged his iPod in.

"Writing On The Walls," by UnderOATH, was playing.

By the time the song "Thunder", by Boys Like Girls was done playing, you were at the apartment building.You told Jaden he could wait in the car.

He nodded.

You unlocked the door to your apartment, finding your parents and Aiden in there. "Oh Mystery solved, what joy." You thought to yourself.

Ok, now that that's done, I will tell you that your weakest spots are punctuation and capitalization. Most of your mistakes could have been avoided if you had simply proofread your work a little before posting. You missed things like capitalizing words at the beginning of sentences...

So, yeah, work on those two and also your DESCRIPTION!! You told me every single thing, and once again I couldn't picture anything on my own. Your story was sort of in a step-by-step form, without the aid of detail. It was 'You did this...' and 'You did that...' Don't tell us every single thing, describe it to us. Ok? So, basically, you need to do work in the punctuation, capitalization, and visual aid section.

And, like I said, most of your punc/cap mistakes could have been avoided if you had read over the chapter before posting. Proofread. Also, try not to switch your tenses. This story is written in second person, so try not to use 'I'. That is first person, meaning the story would be about you. It's not. It is about us, the reader, so 'you' should be used always. Mkay? Mkay.

Good luck.

~Syd

this chapter was ok.
again, you have made a lot of mistakes. Syddles pointed them out.
maybe you would like to tidy and clean this up?

anyway, i am waiting for the next chapter