Young Writers Society

You screamed at the reflection. Marco's arm came out of the mirror and muffled your mouth. He got part of you inside the mirror. You held a grip onto the faucet with one hand,and the used your other hand to pry his hand away from you. He was much stronger then you he managed to bend your arm back causing intense pain.

You weren't going to do nothing like last time. You held a tighter grip on to the faucet until you knuckles turned white. He didn't say a word he turned on the water on "hot" it ran for about five minutes soon the faucet began to grow warmer and warmer until it was burning. Your palm was stinging like crazy. You didn't let go. You punched him in the face but that only made him angrier. You let out another screamed. Enough for Jaden to hear. He barged into the bathroom really quickly.

"Let her go" Jaden said Angry

Marco just let out a smirk.

He dropped you on the marble floor just like he did in the forest only there was no soft dirt , your head banged onto the floor leaving blood to come out. As Jaden fought him, Marco's green eyes began to grow pure white.

"That sweet,sweet blood!" He slightly moaned

"Lacey get out of here!" Jaden yelled

You were in sharp pain and you were getting weaker and weaker. You began to crawl. Marco's arms grabbed you leg pulling you towards him while Jaden tried to beat the crap out of him. Jaden bit his arm brutally making him yell and let you go. You crawled out safely and ran out of the room. You realized what a coward you were being letting Jaden fight him on his own. You serched around the hall. You stepped into jaden's room. You looked into his closet for something. Maybe he had a baseball bat or something. You heard yells fro your bathroom. It wasn't Marco's it was different a new yell it was most likely to be Jasen.

You quickly took a lamp and went back into the bathroom. Finding both of the boys gone. You were scared, seeing a pool of blood on the marble floor. You looked into his sister's room. Also seeing no one same as his parents. You were no afraid more than ever. You hid in your closet covering your mouth so no one could hear your sobs just in-case there was someone in the house looking for you to kill or help you didn't want to see anyone. You sobbed all night and eventually fell asleep.

~Jaden's POV~

You told Lacey to run. And she was now gone and safe. Usually your parents and sister would come at a time like this but no one did.

"What did you do to my family!" You yelled

"I killed them, simple" he said giving me his smirk

You felt tears come out of your eyes. It was no time to become sad you had time for that later. A rage of anger came. You were ready to beat the shit out of Marco.

You punched a hole in his stomach leaving blood everywhere. He bit you on your bruises in return. This was a vampires weakness. It could paralyzed you if you've had enough and you could be finished off anytime soon. You punched him again but this time in the jaw you heard a crack. You broke it. This went on for a while until you spotted a razor in a drawer. You took it out slyly and slit Marco everywhere until he was at is weakest. You had no choice but to drink his blood and finish him off.

You drank from his stomach to his leg. His pulse went slower and slower. Until there was no life in him. You carried his body and you went into the mirror which carried you deep into the woods. You put him on the grounds where the werewolves usually were. You hid up high in a tree, Watching the were wolves shred him into pieces.

~BACK TO LACEY"S POV~

You awoke in Jaden's arms. You opened your eyes when he placed you onto his bed. Putting a damp cloth over your cuts. It stung making to shriek.

"Sorry, about this you have had enough pain but you really have to clean these." He said

"It's okay" You replied

You soon saw him. He had cuts everywhere some of them were really deep.

"I'm fine vampires heal faster than humans." he said reading my mind once again

He soon looked at me. He looked really depressed.

"Whats wrong"

"Nothing"

"You can tell me" I wasn't sure he only knew me for a day or so

"MY family's dead" he said

"What?!?" I said shocked

"Marco he killed them all, besides Marco and his family I have non left." He said tears rolling down his eyes

"I'm sooo sorry Jasen" You said

"It's fine really. I at-least killed him" he said

"I'll give you some time alone if you want" you insisted

He nodded looking down at his feet

You left the room and went back into yours seeing blood still on the bathroom floor. It was too much to clean so you closed the door to the bathroom and left it there. Through the walls you heard Jaden sob.

shar_shar_says_rawr wrote:You screamed at the reflection. Marco's arm came out of the mirror and muffled your mouth. He got part of you inside the mirror. You held a grip onto the faucet with one hand,and then used your other hand to pry his hand away from you. He was much stronger then you, he managed to bend your arm back causing intense pain.

You weren't going to do nothing like last time. You held a tighter grip on to the faucet until your knuckles turned white. He didn't say a word; he turned on the hot water. [s]on "hot"[/s] [s]i[/s]It ran for about five minutes soon the faucet began to grow warmer and warmer until it was burning. Your palm was stinging like crazy. You didn't let go. You punched him in the face but that only made him angrier. You let out another scream[s]ed[/s]. Enough for Jaden to hear. He barged into the bathroom [s]really[/s] quickly.

"Let her go" Jaden said Angry

Marco just [s]let out[/s]gave a smirk.

He dropped you on the marble floor just like he did in the forest only there was no soft dirt , your head banged onto the floor leaving blood to come out. As Jaden fought him, Marco's green eyes began to grow pure white.

"That sweet,sweet blood!" He slightly<(switch words)>moaned

"Lacey get out of here!" Jaden yelled

You were in sharp pain and you were getting weaker and weaker. You began to crawl. Marco's arms grabbed your leg pulling you towards him while Jaden tried to beat the crap out of him. Jaden bit his arm brutally making him yell and let you go. You crawled out safely and ran out of the room. You realized what a coward you were being letting Jaden fight him on his own. You searched around the hall. You stepped into [s]j[/s]Jaden's room. You looked into his closet for something. Maybe he had a baseball bat or something. You heard yells from your bathroom. It wasn't Marco's it was different a new yell it was most likely to be Ja[s]s[/s]den.

You quickly took a lamp and went back into the bathroom. Finding both of the boys gone. You were scared, seeing a pool of blood on the marble floor. You looked into his sister's room. Also seeing no one same as his parents. You were now afraid more than ever. You hid in your closet covering your mouth so no one could hear your sobs just in-case there was someone in the house looking for you to kill or help you didn't want to see anyone. You sobbed all night and eventually fell asleep.

~Jaden's POV~ You may want to just put * * * The reader will pivk up who it is after a while

You told Lacey to run. And she was now gone and safe. Usually your parents and sister would come at a time like this but no one did.

"What did you do to my family!" You yelled

"I killed them, simple" he said giving me his smirk

You felt tears come out of your eyes. It was no time to become sad you had time for that later. A rage of anger came. You were ready to beat the shit out of Marco.

You punched a hole in his stomach leaving blood everywhere. He bit you on your bruises in return. This was a vampires weakness. It could paralyzed you if you've had enough and you could be finished off anytime soon. You punched him again but this time in the jaw, you heard a crack. You broke it. This went on for a while until you spotted a razor in a drawer. You took it out slyly and slit Marco everywhere until he was at is weakest. You had no choice but to drink his blood and finish him off.

You drank from his stomach to his leg. His pulse went slower and slower. Until there was no life in him. You carried his body and you went into the mirror which carried you deep into the woods. You put him on the grounds where the werewolves usually were. You hid up high in a tree, Watching the were wolves shred him into pieces.

~BACK TO LACEY"S POV~

You awoke in Jaden's arms. You opened your eyes when he placed you onto his bed. Putting a damp cloth over your cuts. It stung making to shriek.

"Sorry, about this you have had enough pain but you really have to clean these." He said

"It's okay" You replied

You soon saw him. He had cuts everywhere, some of them were really deep.

"I'm fine, vampires heal faster than humans." he said reading my mind once again

He soon looked at me. He looked really depressed.

"Whats wrong"

"Nothing"

"You can tell me" I wasn't sure, he only knew me for a day or so

"MY family's dead" he said

"What?!?" I said shocked

"Marco, he killed them all, besides Marco and his family I have none left." He said tears rolling down his eyes

"I'm sooo sorry Jasen" You said

"It's fine really. I at-least killed him" he said

"I'll give you some time alone if you want" you insisted

He nodded looking down at his feet

You left the room and went back into yours seeing blood still on the bathroom floor. It was too much to clean so you closed the door to the bathroom and left it there. Through the walls you heard Jaden sob.

Good Dialogue. Watch out for tense changes, they can sneak up on you in second person POV. It looks pretty good as far as content. I bit choppy in a few places but nothing a little proofreading wont fix.

Try and give us a little more descriptions so we know what we're looking at.

Good luck.

Sure, sorry about the errors, i'm still working on my grammer

For the love of god, DO NOT switch the POV in the middle of stories like that.

EVER!

To understand why, imagine that reading a story is like driving down a highway. Your characters are driving you along the highway. Your zipping along at 90 MPH and then you decide to switch drivers. While you're moving at 90 MPH.

When that happens, your story not only loses speed, but the story starts swerving until the new character's POV is safely driving.

This is not to say that switching POV's isn't a good idea, but switching them while going 90 MPH is.

To switch a POV without driving your readers crazy, you need to do the following.

1. End the scene with the old POV. This brings the story into a rest areas so that we can switch drivers.

2. Indicate that a new POV is being used. This can be done a variety of ways. Some people like using a line of asterisks like this:

****************

Other people like putting the persons name up, like this.

~Bob~
Bob

3. Start the story again by telling us what the new POV is doing. This sentence puts us in the new POV's shoes.

So if our story has been following Cindy, we can establish that the story is now following Bob with the new sentence:

Bob sat on the bench waiting for the bus.

Doing all three of these things will smooth the transition from one POV to the other.

~BACK TO LACEY"S POV~

This is annoying. The transition is immediate and for a reader, we feel like we just rammed through a wall.

So, now that I've finished that rant, I can begin on your use of the second person.

It begins like this: NEVER USE THE SECOND PERSON!

Well, that's not always true. But in this case it works. Second person should only be present in poetry and choose your own adventure stories. This isn't either of them.

In both cases, you refers to the reader. When you is used to indicate another character, it is used in dialogue.

"You've got to be kidding me."

This whole thing wouldn't be so bad, if you didn't rapidly change POV's. Because you do though, the meaning of 'you' changes!

Talk about problems! You can't even use 'you' to reference the same character!

So, let's recap on this rant:

NEVER EVER EVER USE THE SECOND PERSON, EVER!

There is still the problem with the characters and the story itself, but I think you need to do a rewrite of this, without using the second person (I recommend third person limited) and with proper POV transitions.

Once you do that, then we can talk plots and characters.

Yeah i dont know how to drive but thanks though I write my own way but again thnx for the advice

interesting!

im still likein it! a little misdiscription here or ther. like your level of detail when you describe sence or people drops off once or twice and you sound like an everyday school essey. which this issent. it would draw my eye on a bookshelf at a book store. which is hard to do. the idea of the storry is really cool and i think that you really have somthing going and i hope that youll continue!

i thought this chapter was good.
again, there were lots of grammar and punctuation mistakes, and i hope you will clear them up or something.
i agree with Griffinkeeper. You should not change the person's POV right in the middle of the story. If you do that, the scene will lose its climax.
anyway, nice chapter.