Hanna's Holocaust ; Part One

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Hanna's Holocaust; Part One.
Information: These are diary entries of a little girl living through the Holocaust. She starts off at age 10 and progresses. Let me know what you think. BTW- I am only 14 and I had to do this for a creative writing class. I had a little bit of knowledge about the Holocaust.



July 26th, 1933

Today Momma told me I could go outside to play ball with my brother and my baby sister, Evette. Thomas, my brother, was in charge, Momma’s orders. He wasn’t that much older than me, only by three years or so, but Momma always has my brother watch over me and baby Evette. Baby Evette can barely speak words yet, but she calls me “Ha”, only because she can’t say my full name, Hanna. She watches us play ball and claps her hands off beat as I sing the rhyme and throw the blue ball to Thomas.

When I went into our tiny house, it smelled wonderful. It smelled like pasta and soup broth. I could hear the stove boiling our supper. Momma was making soup and bread for dinner, while Papa sat in the kitchen chair. I heard him mumble a few things to himself quietly. I glanced at him and noticed he was reading the paper.

After dinner, I was tucking little Evette into her crib while Papa read the story, like he does every night. I held on to Evette’s hand while she fell asleep. I remember everyday being just like this, with my family by my side and days of playing ball with Thomas seeming endless.

August 12th, 1933

This morning I woke up to Momma singing in her pretty voice while she cooked the oatmeal on the stove. Although it was raining real bad, the sun managed to shine through the dull clouds I saw out of the kitchen window.

Papa always went to work early in the mornings, far before I was awake. Momma always tells me the same thing, every time I wake up late. “You sleep the day away, my little darling Hanna.”
I figured it must be true, because every little girl listens to what their mother and father says.

Some days, Thomas will wake before me and help Momma with the chores. The days Thomas awoke early, we got fresh milk with our meals. I noticed Momma was listening to the radio quite a bit today. As I would walk by the dining area, Momma would just sit and stare at the men’s voices coming from the dark brown radio speakers.

Many times I heard the words, “Hitler”, “Nazis”, and something else about some kind of camp created as I listened in with Momma. “It must be very important,” I thought to myself. I wonder if Mr. Hitler will be nice to our country of Germany.

December 9th, 1933

My birthday is today, and Thomas colored me a picture that says “Happy Birthday Hanna!” with a big ten written on the back of the coloring paper. I carried it around all day with me. I’m so happy to be 10.

Papa stayed home from his shop today. He said it was because of my birthday. But I wonder if that is the real reason because I heard Momma and Papa talking about change, and using some of the words I heard on the radio a while ago, when I was listening to it with Momma in the dining room.

The man’s voice on the radio seemed quite kind, but Papa’s voice was fierce and angry. The way he said those words “Nazis”, and “Hitler” made me think these things or people were nothing but evil. Momma didn’t want me to hear here, but I heard most of what she was talking about. They said that Hitler wanted to take over our country. He was going around killing people because he could not get what he wanted. Hitler was especially killing all the Jewish people.

I remember hearing Momma whine and complain, but I could not understand why. We have a good life, the best life I could ever want. Our family may not have the biggest house or the most money but I like my life just the way it is.

Tonight was Momma’s turn to put baby Evette into her crib and make sure she went to sleep. I was looking out the window of the kitchen, staring at the moon. “It is so pretty,” I thought. I looked down the road, and five men were standing in suit type outfits, each one carrying what looked like a gun and some other sort of weapon like a knife or something sharp.

February 16th, 1934

When I asked about the guns the men were carrying a few months ago, Thomas told me they were special German police officers. “You have to listen to what they say, and follow all of their rules, or they will take our things away,” I specifically remember Thomas telling me. “What things?” I asked him. “Our house, our food, and our family,” Thomas replied. Those words hit me like a knife to my stomach. I realized that these people were not nice. I could tell he was very sad about this. I think to myself, “I need my family; it is all that I have. I must listen to those German policemen.”

Papa came home tonight, a bit earlier than usual. He came through the dining area door while I was reading one of my favorite books. I can remember with ease Papa’s exact words. “Hitler is taking away all of our rights.” Thomas asked why. Momma replied, “Because we are Jewish, that’s why.”

I really didn’t believe that just because of our religion, we were being punished. Momma, Papa, Thomas and I all agreed. When I had first heard about Hitler becoming “prime minister” (as Momma called it), I had wished that he would be nice to us. I guess my wish didn’t come true.

Thanks for reading. Let me know how it is so far. After reviews, I will post more as part two. :)




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Hanna's Holocaust; Part One.

Information: These are diary entries of a little girl living through the Holocaust. She starts off at age 10 and progresses. Let me know what you think. BTW- I am only 14 and I had to do this for a creative writing class. I had a little bit of knowledge about the Holocaust.



July 26th, 1933


Today Momma told me I could go outside to play ball with my brother and my baby sister, Evette. Thomas, my brother, was in charge, Momma’s orders. He wasn’t 1 that much older than me, only by three years or so, but Momma always has my brother watch over me and baby Evette. Baby Evette can barely speak words yet, but she calls me “Ha”, only because she can’t say my full name, Hanna. She watches us play ball and claps her hands off beat as I sing the rhyme and throw the blue ball to Thomas.


When I went into our tiny house, it smelled wonderful. It smelled like pasta and soup broth. I could hear the stove boiling our supper. Momma was making soup and bread for dinner, while Papa sat in the kitchen chair. I heard him mumble a few things to himself quietly. I glanced at him and noticed he was reading the paper.


After dinner, I was tucking little Evette into her crib while Papa read the story, like he does every night. I held on to Evette’s hand while she fell asleep. I remember everyday being just like this, with my family by my side and days of playing ball with Thomas seeming endless. 2


August 12th, 1933


This morning I woke up to Momma singing in her pretty voice while she cooked the oatmeal on the stove. Although it was raining real bad 3, the sun managed to shine through the dull clouds I saw out of the kitchen window.


Papa always went to work early in the mornings, far before I was awake. Momma always tells me the same thing, every time I wake up late. “You sleep the day away, my little darling 4 Hanna.”

I figured it must be true, because every little girl listens to what their mother and father says.


Some days, Thomas will wake before me and help Momma with the chores. The days Thomas awoke early, 5 we got fresh milk with our meals. I noticed Momma was listening to the radio quite a bit today. As I would walk by the dining area, Momma would just sit and stare at the men’s voices coming from the dark brown radio speakers.


Many times I heard the words, “Hitler”, “Nazis”, and something else about some kind of camp created as I listened in with Momma. “It must be very important,” I thought to myself. I wonder if Mr. Hitler will be nice to our country of Germany.


December 9th, 1933


My birthday is today, and Thomas colored 6 me a picture that says “Happy Birthday Hanna!” with a big ten written on the back of the coloring paper. I carried it around all day with me. I’m so happy to be 10.


Papa stayed home from his shop today. He said it was because of my birthday. But I wonder if that is the real reason because I heard Momma and Papa talking about change, and using some of the words I heard on the radio a while ago, when I was listening to it with Momma in the dining room.7


The man’s voice on the radio seemed quite kind, but Papa’s voice was fierce and angry. The way he said those words “Nazis”, and “Hitler” made me think these things or people were nothing but evil. Momma didn’t want me to hear here,8 but I heard most of what she was talking about. They said that Hitler wanted to take over our country. He was going around killing people because he could not get what he wanted. Hitler was especially killing all the Jewish people.


I remember hearing Momma whine and complain, but I could not understand why. We have a good life, the best life I could ever want. Our family may not have the biggest house or the most money but I like my life just the way it is.


Tonight was Momma’s turn to put baby Evette 9 into her crib and make sure she went to sleep. I was looking out the window of the kitchen, staring at the moon. “It is so pretty,” I thought. I looked down the road, and five men were standing in suit type outfits, each one carrying what looked like a gun and some other sort of weapon like a knife or something sharp.10


February 16th, 1934


When I asked about the guns the men were carrying a few months ago, Thomas told me they were special German police officers. “You have to listen to what they say, and follow all of their rules, or they will take our things away,” I specifically remember Thomas telling me. “What things?” I asked him. “Our house, our food, and our family,” Thomas replied. Those words hit me like a knife to my stomach. I realized that these people were not nice. I could tell he was very sad about this. I think to myself, “I need my family; it is all that I have. I must listen to those German policemen.”11


Papa came home tonight, a bit earlier than usual. He came through the dining area door while I was reading one of my favorite books. I can remember with ease Papa’s exact words. “Hitler is taking away all of our rights.” Thomas asked why. Momma replied, “Because we are Jewish, that’s why.”


I really didn’t believe that just because of our religion, we were being punished. Momma, Papa, Thomas and I all agreed. When I had first heard about Hitler becoming “prime minister” (as Momma called it), I had wished that he would be nice to us. I guess my wish didn’t come true.


Thanks for reading. Let me know how it is so far. After reviews, I will post more as part two.


Aw, this is really great in parts. I think you captured the uncertainty of a Jewish child perfectly. Hanna was naive and innocent, but yet she wanted to know. This was really good. One issue though, was the way your tenses changed. In the diary entries you talk of 'today' but then you changed your tense to past. You'll understand better in the numbered parts. Your characterization will be fine after a few more chapters and it's coming along well already. Just remember to give your characters quirks, it'll make them more interesting. Your grammar was good too. So, I think that's it, numbers:

1. Your tenses change. It should be isn't older, not wasn't.
2. Again, it should be, everyday is like this, not I remember everyday being like this.
3. Real bad seems a bit too modern for this time period, I think you should have really badly instead, or really hard.
4. comma, aw, cute ;)
5. Tense change again, should be the days Thomas awakes earlier, not awoke.
6. Should it be coloured or colored?
7. Aw, this is really good.
8. Hear here? Shouldn't it be hear her?
9. I don't think it should be baby Evette, just Evette.
10. Describe a bit more Hanna's moods here. She would be scared, anyone would. Describe her emotions.
11. Really, really good insight

Hope I helped xD
~Lostxxx
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Is this for a class assignment? Because you might know that there already is a book about the Holocaust by someone who actually lived through it (Diaries of Anne Frank). How can you claim to understand it when you live so far from when it happened?

It's cute, but I'm Jewish and I don't know how someone could have the audacity to...

... haa, I'll just shut up now. >///<
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Kirsten beat me to the nit-picks!

Oh, well. I guess I'll have to review plot.

-The title is too cute. "Hanna's Holocaust". Lovely. Please change it.
-She writes much too intelligently for a ten year old.
-I'm pretty sure the camps happened much later than 1933. It took Hitler a while to come up with his disgusting "Final Solution".
-Hanna shouldn't act surprised that the Jews are being persecuted. People have been anti-Semitic for thousands of years. Even before Hitler, the Jews weren't well-liked.
-It was a bit boring. Nothing happened.

Hope this helped,
Sakura
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I agree greatly with Sakura.
The title is a little bit plain. Even the name of the main character is sort of a cliche if you've ever heard of or read the famous Holocaust story called Hannah's Suitcase.
Granted, you probably won't publish this but it may come into your teacher's mind while he or she is marking it!
You really have to put yourself in the character's position and I don't feel you've done that to the maximum effectiveness that I know you have inside you so it makes me stray from the story a bit because the main character simply feels a bit fake.
Sakura is also right that you have the timing wrong. Camps started happening widespread (throughout other countries) in about 1937 or 8 I believe.

Hanna shouldn't act surprised that the Jews are being persecuted. People have been anti-Semitic for thousands of years. Even before Hitler, the Jews weren't well-liked.


I don't agree totally with that statement of Sakura's however, because Hanna is only 10 years old. When I was ten, I didn't know or notice much of the world around me. I was concerned with the boy I liked and makeup and stuff.
I also don't feel your story is "boring".
I feel like it's just a normal's girls life right? So hearing her feelings and about her day is interesting enough. You really get what the story description claims it's about, what were you expecting?
Overall: I think you just need to give the main character a little bit more depth and to create a more believable sense. Other than that I liked the idea of the story, but don't ever forget that research is always a key component to pre-writing. Without researching your topic, you could seriously risk credibility for your writing. A good start. 7/10
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First of all, Welcome to YWS! I'm disappointed in you to say that you are "only" 14. 14 yr olds rock and can do anything!

right...

ok, back to the review :D

Ok, since everyone else already said all the nitty gritty stuff I won't tell you again.
The one thing that stood out the moment I started reading (sorry if this comes out harsh, but I didn't bother finishing reading it.) was that the whole time you told instead of showing what was happening. For example: "Thomas, my brother,"...delete the whole my brother part. As time goes, the reader will understand who's the brother, the baby sister, and when this happens etc etc etc.

Since I can read minds, I know you are now probably wondering, well Anne Frank told her whole life story in the beginning of the diary (if you've read it)...she didn't show anything at all. Well the answer to that is, as with many book in diary format, they start out with the person saying that they will talk about themselves. Does that make sense?

For example: "Dear Diary, I got you today for a birthday present from Mamma. She told me to write everything about myself in here and since I'm such a faithful daughter I will do as she says. I guess I'll start with my family. There's Thomas, Evette,...etc etc"

To me, its much more interesting that way. Though, do what you want. Its more of a subjective comment than a necessary one.

See you around the forums! All in all I think it has potential. Just remember to get some action in there and to hook your readers from the start!
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Thanks guys & gals.
Yes, I know about The Diary of Anne Frank, and no I have not read it.
I already got this graded, I was just sharing... I got a 94 on it. :)

I do have more to post and sorry if anyone is dissapointed.
This is my first creative writing class [I am taking it in school.] and I just took up an interest in writing.

I will be posting part 2, which I believe is the final part, probably tomorrow.
january 8th, 2009 ♥




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I got a 94 on it

oooh, out of what? Is it out of 100? In any case you did really really well xD
x
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Yes, a 94 out of 100%.
Thank you, yes I did feel I did pretty well.
The rest of the story gets more interesting than the beginning.
january 8th, 2009 ♥




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i liked it a lot i really love stories with diary entries i dont know if you knew this but you could have put in fanfiction for the book series dear america those are diary entries of children in the pass so if you have NEVER heard of those series check it out because your story reminds me soooo much of it. the story was really good. i tried to make some corrections but i couldnt find any mistakes. so...GOOD JOB!!!!




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Hello, Emily (I believe I can call you that? :))


Today Momma told me I could go outside to play ball with my brother and my baby sister, Evette.


Since this is a diary, I don't think she would be so specific about the people. If it were me writing the diary instead of Hanna, I would just wrote "with Thomas and Evette", because of course I, the writer of the diary, would know who they are, without the need of telling myself who they are... got the message? ;)


baby Evette

Baby Evette

baby Evette


This isn't necessary at all. No one really says "baby Evette", anyway, and besides we know who she is. I think it'd be more believable for Hanna to just call her Evette or maybe even have a nickname for her, like Eve. Hanna is a child, after all, and they're sisters, so why not?


The way he said those words “Nazis”, and “Hitler” made me think these things or people were nothing but evil.


Hmm, I'm not too crazy about this line. It's a little too obvious, seeing that Hanna doesn't seem to know a thing about them. I'd change this to something a little less obvious, for example "The way he said the words "Nazis" and "Hitler" made me think he really disliked those things" or something like that.


I think to myself, “I need my family; it is all that I have. I must listen to those German policemen.”


I don't think you need that "I think to myself", since it's a diary and she is the narrator. Unless she was thinking that in the situation she talked with Thomas, in which case it should be "I thought to myself, 'I need my family...'".


Papa came home tonight, a bit earlier than usual.


The comma isn't needed unless it's not self-evident that Papa comes home. In this point, though, I think he does come home every night, so ditch the comma.


Other notes:

- I agree with the reviewers above, you should indeed check the timing. Also, remember that only reading Anne Frank's Diary and or Hanna's Suitcase isn't enough research, you have to familiarize yourself with the subject. I'm not saying you didn't, I don't know that, I'm just reminding. ;)

- Like tennisprincess, I was a little torn about the MC's name being Hanna, as in Hanna's Suitcase. And if you keep the name, there might be a danger of making the character too much alike with the original Hanna, which is not good.

- Fictional diaries are actually really tricky to write, if you think about it. This is because you (I'm not referring to only you, I'm talking of writers in general) start to write to diary like it were just an ordinary story, with all the "Thomas, my brother" kind of things that would be fine in another story, but not in diary. It's not believable for a diary narrator to explain things, since of course it's supposed that he/she knows them without explaining. Let's take Meg Cabot and The Princess Diaries for example. Cabot wrote down whole long conversations, which the real Mia (the diary's keeper in the book) – if there were one – would not be doing, it would take too much time and she couldn't do anything else while having to write down every detail from someone's speech. So that's why it's a little dangerous to write a diary if it's not your own one.

- Imagine that you were Hanna writing the diary. How would you feel after seeing streets full of soldiers, if you were a ten-year-old Jewish girl? At this point, you're not showing enough of the emotions. However, do it discreetly, considering that what I said above. :)

- Lastly: I think the conversation between Thomas and Hanna in the end was good and believable. Great job in that!


Well, I hope I could be of help. Good luck with your writing, and oh, welcome to YWS!

PM me with any questions!


Demeter
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Thanks everyone for review my story. I can see where you are coming from.

I really have never even heard of "Hanna's Suitcase" until tennisprincess mentioned it. I've never read any diary entries about people from the Holocaust, I just decided to write about it. Last year I went to Washington, D.C. and went to the Holocaust museum. It had a big impact on my life, it was really sad to see all that happened.

Thanks so much everyone. :)
january 8th, 2009 ♥




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"Momma didn’t want me to hear here, but I heard most of what she was talking about." when you wrote that, the word here i think is supposed to be her. Good story-line! Not very many people do stories on the holocaust out of their own free will. I applaud you for doing this kind of story!



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