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The Vampire King - Prologue



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Gender: Female
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Sat Dec 17, 2011 5:18 pm
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RileyStone says...



The Vampire King - Prologue

He stood tall, broad shoulders squared and chin lifted definitely. A shadow of a smile played at his lips, twisting his proud expression while scarlet eyes looked out on the crowd evenly. Not a hint of fear or doubt showed on his face. He knew what he was doing.
Tens of thousands of people were crowded around him. He could feel the cameras on him, flashing angrily; this would be broadcasted around the world for everyone to see. For everyone to hear.
He stepped forward and walked up to the tall stand. Heads turned. Even if they were only human, they could feel his power, his strength and they shifted nervously. He said nothing at first, just stared out at them and waited. Silence fell in seconds.
“I am here to make you an offer.” His words rang clear and strong. “You have heard the stories and I am here to confirm them.” He paused graciously as whispers and faint shrieks ran through the crowd. Vampire, vampire, vampire…
“I am different from you, humans. I have strength and speed you can’t imagine.” he looked out toward a group of young boys. “My kind is a beautiful and perfected race.” his eyes locked with a tired looking woman, three children played around her skirt. “And I am immortal.” He could feel them now, the disbelieving eyes on him. Judging him. “I never have to sleep. I never grow tired or sick. Even the worst injuries will heal almost instantly.” A small girl standing toward the front snickered and whispered something rude to the child beside her. He directed his attention toward her. “I can hear everything you say.” The small girl’s plain brown eyes darted to meet his, but she didn’t back down. The one is brave… and stupid.
“I believe what I can see.” the girl challenged loudly, crossing her thin arms.
“Is it proof you want?”
The girl nodded and he could practically hear the crowd’s sudden intake of breath.
He shrugged as he knelt down and pulled a silver dagger from the inside of his boot. He didn’t hesitate as he held out his left arm and lifted the blade to it. He dug deep and slow, tearing the skin from his palm all the way up to his elbow. Dark inky blood seeped from the wound, staining his pale skin. He lifted his injured arm, displaying it to the coward and waited. A familiar tingling sensation began around the cut and he sighed as he felt the skin being pulled back together by some invisible thread. Their whispers and gasps started again, but he stepped forward and talked over them. “I can give you this!” He shouted, “Your sick, your injured, your dying. I can save them, I can save you all. Follow me, I can protect you. I can free you from your mortality. I can give you life!” He pounded his fist in the air and the coward cheered wildly. “Sickness, death, hunger. It will all be a thing of the past. We can start a new world!” He continued, his voice carrying easily over the noise, twisting its way into every ear. “Join me for the sake of your family, your loved ones.” He shouted, spreading his arms wide. His words trickled quietly into their minds, spreading like a disease. “Join me!” he shouted and they obeyed.
Last edited by RileyStone on Sun Dec 25, 2011 4:02 pm, edited 7 times in total.
Who do I belong to?
Not earth, not world
Not evil, not
mortals
Not wretches, not horrors

-- Project 86
  





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31 Reviews



Gender: Female
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Sat Dec 17, 2011 5:54 pm
pencilgirl says...



Hey! how's it going? :)
Alright, the first error is this:
"He stood tall, board shoulders squared and chin lifted definitely."
It should be;
"He stood tall, 'broad' shoulders squared and chin lifted definitely"
I really like the idea of the vampire king as its not typical or following any stereotypes of vampires. Keep it in notice that the legend is that the head and creator of the vampire race was Count Dracula and his creations were vampires. Still its' your plot so i bet your going it carry it further well ;). I really like your descriptions, that shows writing technique so keep it up and good luck!

Sharp me and rub me,
Pencil <3
  





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Points: 1109
Reviews: 13
Sat Dec 17, 2011 6:36 pm
midnightsky says...



I absolutely LOVE the concept of the story, however there are some slight mistakes and things that you can improve mildly to create a more tense and nerving environment.

Some mistakes include things like:
"The one is brave… and stupid."
Should actually be "This one is brave......but stupid".
and...
“Its proof you want?”
Would be better as "Is it proof you want?" allowing his power and evident superiority to seep out of his words.

-Midnight :D
  





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Sat Dec 17, 2011 10:00 pm
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sandayselkie says...



I like it. Other then what Midnight and Pencilgirl say, I see nothing else wrong. Mind you, I am not one to take advice from. Love the way you started it. Brilliant.
"Live in the present, remember the past and fear not the future, for it doesn't exist and never shall. There is only now."
Saphira

"That's the spirit. One part courage. Three parts fool"
Brom
  





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Tue Jan 10, 2012 4:06 pm
youngwolf1105 says...



Omg, I love this! But it's kind of over done, the whole vampre thing. I've written many like this, theres the King and he wants to be followed. Except in mine he waged war against humans to take control over them. but otherwise I haven't found anything wrong with it that hasn't already been said. I can't wait to read more!
We were made to corageous,
We're taking back the fight.
We were made to be corageous,
And it starts with us tonight.

And the only way we'll stand,
Is on our knees with lifted hands.
Make us corageous,
Lord make us corageous. - Casting Crowns
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 484
Reviews: 2
Tue Jan 10, 2012 5:24 pm
OmarEhab says...



Wow!! I love this!! I really do! It's so original and I got convinced by what he said XD. Other than what Midnight and Pencilgirl said, there are no mistakes I spotted. Keep writing, because I just need to read some more!!
"From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.”
  








I was born to speak all mirth and no matter.
— William Shakespeare