Elaana; Chapter 1

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Lana shook her dark wet locks as she sat down on the old rocking chair by the fire, towel drying her wet hair, mesmerized by the rain pouring endlessly against the windowpane. As she stared out at the stormy night, her mind wandered restlessly…
Her mom had asked her to run down to Lila Funrer’s little cottage which was not even a mile away from their own to fetch Michael’s medication-Lila was like an apothecary of sorts- and Lana had obliged, happy to leave the stuffy and musty old cabin
to wander in the shade of the old forest. Lila was always a pleasure to visit and treated Lana as if she were a grand daughter, but the poor old thing was lonely since her husband George passed away; a fact she often forgot.
“Please stay, my dear for a cup of tea and I’ll tell you a nice little story of how me and George became to be.” Her voice was sparked by a short burst of excitement as she hobbled merrily across the small cottage. “George! ” Lila hollered up the rickety staircase, “Come down, George!” Lana sighed, too embarrassed to say anything. “It’s okay Lila, I should be getting back, really.”
“Nonsense, child. George’ll be down in a minute. George, you lazy old coot!” she bellowed, “Lana’s here. You know Lana, she’s a dear.” Finally, she had given up and had reluctantly allowed Lana to leave. “Now you tell Michael twice a day for that medicine. I know it tastes a bit funny kinda like my sister’s cookin’ but it’ll clear him all up.”
It had been a humid evening but a drizzle had just began to set in and Lana, clutching the bottle from Lila carefully to her chest, was running, weaving her way amongst the scattered boughs and fallen branches when….SCREECH! Almost like?…a rusty car that couldn’t start up. Lana’s heart was pounding suddenly, thumping violently in her chest as she turned and ran. From behind a huge maple she glimpsed a dark cloaked man his face hidden by his hood. He was pale and had a long, withdrawn face and reminded Lana of Scream. Lana sprinted, her mind filling with thoughts of What if he kills me? What if I die? She felt like she was living a nightmare and she pinched herself for a reality check. Yep, it was real. Oh shit, she thought. Now what? Nervously, she ventured a look back, wishing she was back in Lila‘s cottage listening to her chatter away about George, but the suspicious man had disappeared and without her even realizing it, the light drizzle had turned into a relentless downpour.
Lana had just finished towel drying her long hair when her mom stepped in to announce that dinner was ready. “Mum!,” Lana rushed forward, “Mum, it was so scary. On my way home there was this guy.. .Nooo.. not that kind of guy,” she replied to the expression on her Mum’s face.
“This guy was…well, first I heard this really loud screech and then I saw him and he had on a black cloak and I know this sounds stupid but he looked like a death eater from Harry Potter or something!” She studied her Mum’s face, expecting her mom to laugh but strangely her mom’s face was a pallid hue and her eyes were staring off into the distance.
“Mom. Mom…..,” Lana waved an annoyed hand around her mom’s face, but it remained blank.
“Come. Come, now or else your dinner will go cold,” her mom, Mrs. Hart, had finally awoken from her reverie and was now hurrying into the kitchen. Just like that the subject was dropped.
Lana wondered if she should tell her dad when he arrived home from work, his hair sopping wet from walking home from the bus stop. “Hugh, how many times must I remind you to keep an umbrella in your briefcase?” Mrs. Hart grumbled.
“Honey, it’s just extra weight. I’m heavy enough as it is.”
Lana, who was just finishing her pasta, put her plate away to tell her dad about the strange man. She studied his face, but all she could read was concern, “Now did he chase you or say something…did he have a gun?”
“No, no…he just freaked me out cause he was staring at me from behind a tree, but he didn’t actually do anything.”
“Honey, I don’t think you have anything to worry about…He’s probably just some weirdo. But next time don’t go off in the woods on your own. Bring Ally or someone if you’re going. How many times do I have to tell you. The woods are not always-”
“Okay, okay I get you dad…I probably just over reacted…but he freaked me out!”
Michael, Lana’s twin, walked in just having finished his second plate of pasta and, box of cookies in hand, he plopped down on the sofa. “What’s this I hear about a death eater freak in the woods?” he smirked searching under the seat cover for the remote.”
“Shut up, Michael. At least I was nice enough to fetch you your medicine.”
“Uuugh,” he groaned, “You should have saved me the pain. That stuff tastes like shizzit.”
“Michael,” Mr. Hart spoke in his I-am-a-dad-trying-to-be-mean-and-fatherly voice, “Be nice to your sister and don’t eat that whole box.”
“I didn’t cuss dad. I said shizzit. And I didn’t even say anything mean she started it, little miss attitude with her ‘Shut up, Michael.’ No, Dad, I was a perfect little gentlemen.” Lana rolled her eyes. Although he was her twin and they got along half the time, he could be such a pain and made the corniest remarks.
“There you are you little devil!” exclaimed Michael, his happiness achieved from finally finding the remote.
The next day at school Ally caught up with Lana by her locker before second period. “Al!, I have the weirdest story to tell you.” Soon Ally was informed about the man in the woods but Lana was crestfallen to see the bemused if not skeptical expression on her best friend’s face. “And you said your mom got all weird about it?”
“Yeah, she got really pale.”
Ally replied as she slammed her locker shut, “She knows something and you’ve got to squeeze it out of her somehow.”
“Okay, but how am I gonna do that. I’m not a skilled talker like you.” Ally was in her speech class and she was, although she denied it, the teacher’s pet.
Ally rounded on her, “It’s your Mum for crying out loud, Lana! Its about time for some mother daughter bonding.”
Lana just rolled her eyes at her as they trod across the courtyard.
They trudged to the lunchroom, backpacks heavy with textbooks that looked as if they came from the Stone Age that’s how old and decrepit they were. Teachers had ruthlessly began assigning homework although it was only the second week of school. Lana complained about all the honors classes they were taking and how tiring cross-country practice was.
They sat down at an empty round table and Lana noticed a glimpse of someone in a narrow pinstripe suite and hair in a painfully tight bun. The women was petite yet intimidating and marched through the crowded lunchroom with a very annoyed expression on her face. “I’m guessing that’s a new teacher.”
“Yea, that’s Miss Gunther.” Simon whispered with a frightened look upon his already mousy little face as he dropped his lunch tray on the table, plopping himself down next to the two girls. “Rumor has it she was kicked out of her last school because she made students do these weird chores for her as punishment. And then, if they couldn’t do them she would whip them with her alligator skin handbag!”
“Weird chores?” Lana questioned in disbelief.
“Yeah Lana, like she’d make ‘em go in the woods to look for weird stuff like frogs and then she’d make ‘em dissect them and grind ‘em all up? Some even say…”
“Cut the crap, Simon.” Al disgustedly rose from the table and went to throw out her trash
“I’m just telling you what I heard.” Simon muttered looking almost hurt, yet Lana was positive it was a ploy; the kid was always playing tricks on her. Lana had known Simon Fielders ever since the third grade when he moved to Jersey from Everett. He had been a goofy, scrawny kid (he still was) who had seemed the perfect victim for bullies and yet, Simon was much to obnoxious of a kid to let himself be pushed around.
The lunch bell rang signaling the end of the period, forcing Lana and Al to go there separate ways. Lana settled down in her seat next to Simon in English class, sighing as he pleaded her to let him copy her homework for the umpteenth time.
“Whatever, but you owe me..” she whispered.
“Anything for my lovely Lana,” he grinned stupidly.
She kicked him in the shin in an effort to get him to hush up as none other than Miss Gunther strode into the classroom, high heels clicking against the floor. She scribbled her name hastily on the chalkboard, spun around and cleared her throat.
“Good morning boys and girls. My name is Mizz Gunther. I will be taking over for Mrs. Richardson, poor old dear is in the hospital. But anyway, there will be no talking without hand-raising, no gum-chewing, drinking, eating or disruptive behavior in this classroom as long as I am the teacher. Is that clear?,” Her piercing gaze swept across the room and no one dared speak. Even Simon sat sheepishly in his seat.
Since Lana was sitting in the front, Miss Gunther was plain in sight. Finishing the assignment early, Lana had time to study her new teacher who was the oddest yet. It seemed as if Miss Gunther carried a burden; she seamed very stressed. Worry lines marked an otherwise pretty face and black circles lingered under her eyes. Lana was very observant… and intrigued. As Miss Gunther lifted up her sleeve to check the time, Lana noticed a tattoo of a black cat on her wrist. Miss Gunther, sensing eyes watching her, abruptly looked around as Lana averted her eyes. Black cats?, she thought. Who gets tattoes of black cats these days. Okay, whatever she thought, and began to pack up as the bell rang.
Later that week, Lana and Al visited Lila. Although it was a sunny September evening, the trees provided shade and the three sat on the porch sipping lemonades. It was not long before Lila began to ramble, and Al and Lana found it much easier to simply tune out. Lila was in the middle of describing how she had found poison ivy growing her backyard while a dark-cloak man came for a visit. “Yes, he said he was looking for some ginger root. He was a kind fellow; kind but rather strange. He was rather pale for this time of year and wouldn’t take of his cloak. Claimed he had severe sunburn. Anyhow, he looked a bit familiar, but then again his face was so hidden by the cloak. One never knows these days. I just can’t trust my eyes anymore…” she went on and on, but Lana was not listening anymore. “Al that’s him! See, I wasn’t kidding. He’s real!”
“Ok, so..? There’s some weird guy in town. Big deal.”
But Lana ignored her and went on, “Lila, I saw that guy too. He was snooping around while I was on my way home that rainy day.”
“Probably looking for that root, I expect, nothing more,” Lila answered absentmindedly, stirring around the last of her lemonade.
Yeah, probably, Lana thought, but then again he had made that weird screeching noise. Or was that a car? There were a couple of trailers parked out living in the woods. A car wouldn’t be so strange. Even still, Lana couldn’t expect Al to understand she was still spooked. Al was too much of sensible, no bulls**t type. She would just have to try and get over it and stop being such a scaredy-cat as her dad liked to call her.
So Lana biked home with Al that night since her parents were out of town and Michael was at over-night soccer tournament. They followed the trail leading out of the woods and biked a couple blocks to the pizza place. Most Friday and Saturday nights, Harry‘s, the pub, was overcrowded with half the town. It was almost impossible to get a table, but Al insisted.
“C’mon Lana, there’s this guy. I told him I’d be there.”
“Figures..” Lana muttered under her breath.
Although Lana and Al were tight, they were complete opposites in a sense. For one, Al was a major flirt, whereas Lana would never dare to do some of the things Al did. Wow, Antonio’s was really crowded that night. It was kind of like an oven, Lana thought, with its brick walls, dim orange lighting and stuffy atmosphere. Once they got in, Lana didn’t expect Al to stick with her. She knew Al was going to go after her mystery guy, so she scanned the mob, quickly spotted Simon sitting at a small corner table with two of her friends Laura and Trish.
“Hey, Lana! I haven’t seen you around in like forever.” Trish exclaimed, flipping back her long Chinese hair.
“Yeah. I’ve been so tied down with school work, you know,” she replied, nudging Simon to scoot over so she could sit down.
“Oh me too. My parents are all nutso about BATs. I’m just like.. whatever. Sarah did amazing and now I have a lot to live up to.” she retorted. Sarah was Trish’s older sister, the angel of the town. Lana sympathized with Trish. She knew how it was to have expecting parents that gave unending lectures in response to bad grades, and having perfect sister Sarah around was anything but a help.
“You wouldn’t believe who got cute this summer though.” she grinned.
“Who??” Al whirled in, dropping down next to Trish.
“Oh, hey you! Oh, I was talking about him,” Trish lowered her voice as she pointed across the room to a lean guy in faded blue jeans, slumped against the bar table, cracking up at a joke.
It was Luke. He had been in Lana’s lab group last year and Lana had found him really timid. He would smile at her shyly while explaining an answer, but would never say more than a few words at a time. One time he even asked her for her phone number but Lana had been so surprised that she had quickly made up a lame excuse. She knew he was conserved, but looking at him today she’d never guess it. She stared a little longer. Yeah, something had definitely changed because he seemed so much more confident. His acne had cleared up and he actually looked kind of cute, she had too admit to herself.
Al, however, always the first to pounce on an opportunity, tapped him on the shoulder and introduced herself. She held his arm while making small talk.
Laura rolled her eyes muttering, “There she goes again.”
Lana watched as Al got Luke to smile and even laugh at a couple of corny lines. She was studying his profile, when he suddenly made eye contact with her out of the corner of his eyes. She looked away, blushing, and began to tell Simon about the strange man, partially to cover up.
“…I dunno Si. Al doesn’t think its anything, but she says I should talk to my mum.”
“Well if your Mum hasn’t told you already and she’s scared about this fella she’s not gonna say anything. I think we should do some investigating on our own.”
“We?”
“Why not? Finally something exciting is happening in our stupid town.” he retorted eagerly.
Lana, however, felt more dread than enthusiasm at the thought of investigating some weirdo. “And how do we go about ‘investigating’.” she spat bitterly, “As if I don’t have enough to do as it is. Now I have to go be some little detective.”
Simone laughed, “Chill, Lana. It’ll be fun. We’ll start tomorrow night. Its not like you got a hot date or something, right?” he paused, continued, “Sorry, my bad, I’m your hot date.” he grinned stupidly and she shoved him off the seat. “You wish Si, you wish.”
So it was set. The plan was that Simon, Al and Lana would camp out in Lana’s backyard. In the dead of night, Lana would check on her parents to make sure they were snoring soundly. Then the investigation would begin.
It was a quarter to seven when Al and Simon arrived at the cottage, all dressed in black from head to toe. Simon even had on a black beanie.
“Whoa there,” Mr. Hart guffawed. “You two planning on robbing my house tonight?”
Al smiled, “No, Mr. Hart. We were…uh…actually just planning on doing a bit of bird watching tonight. We thought if we were unnoticed we’d scare less birds away.” she smiled sweetly, lying through her teeth.
Mr. Hart gave her a bemused look, “Okaaay. Most people don’t really bird watch at night, but whatever floats your boat.”
Simon added, “She means owl-watching.” he glared at Al for her lousy cover-up.
By this time Mr. Hart was getting suspicious, but was rather amused by the whole thing so didn’t think about it too much. To be honest, Mr. Hart wasn’t much of a overly-concerned parent. The thought that Lana and her friends might be trying to sneak out flitted across his mind for a split second, but was washed away by the sight of his daughter running down the stairs and her black tweety-bird pajamas. Such a good daughter, he thought. If there was a bad egg it was Michael if anything. Lana would never do anything wrong. She was too smart to let her self get in trouble; too self-disciplined. Al’s mother was always complaining to him and Mrs. Hart that, ‘Why can’t Al be more like Lana?’ Yes, he reassured himself, he had nothing to worry about.
After killing the time watching a cheesy horror flick in Lana’s bedroom, the three set up camp in Lana’s backyard. Lana had always wanted a camp-out; to bad this one had to be ruined by the daunting task which lay ahead, she thought.
“Lan… check out that one.. It looks like a tella tubby,” Al giggled.
“Or Eunice Brewster,” Simon chimed in, plopping down next to Al with a bag of chocolate covered raisins. The trio was sprawled out on a musty old quilt from Lana’s closet, pointing out constellations as stars flickered on and off upon the indigo sky.
“Aaaw… don’t make fun of Eunice Si. She’s nice.. she really is. She even let me copy her Spanish homework once.” Lana explained.
Simon sighed, “Oooh, I get it. She’s just a b***h to me, like practically all of the other girls in our school.” Lana glanced over at Simon, shocked to see his eyes glazed over. He was serious. Sure, he was teased excessively at school, perhaps bullied now and then, but what did expect, seriously, Lana thought. He could be so annoying at times…and yet the tears he was holding back at the moment made Lana empathetic for her friend who she had always taken for granted. She looked over at Al, but Al was oblivious; lost in a fantasy of some sort judging by the dreamy expression on her face.
“Cheer up Si… we still love ya.” Lana swung an arm around Si and gave him a fierce, friendly hug.
“Hey Lans…think any guys are cute yet?” Al probed. Lana should have guessed the inevitable question would rear its ugly head.
Simon groaned, “Uuugh, girl talk.”
Lana twisted a finger around her hair, “Uumm…” should she tell her about Luke, that she thought he had gotten cute? “No, not really,” she lied; it was a teeny white lie.
“Well…have you noticed Luke?” Not even waiting for Lana to reply, Al gushed, “He asked me to the Halloween Ball!”
A lie that just pinched me. Ouch. Lana faked a huge smile and responded in a falsetto voice, “That’s great Al. That’s awesome.”
Whatever, he’s still probably the same old loser anyhow, thought Lana, shaking off the momentary flame of jealousy that had just erupted within her and had caused a rush of acid to seep through her stomach.
Hours later, Lana lay beside her two friends. As close as they were she felt quite alone in her thoughts as she stared up into blackness. The midnight air was chilled, the scent of leaves signaling the peak of autumn; it was a scent that reminded Lana of burning. It had in fact grown so cold that Lana wrapped the old quilt tightly around her, very much spooked by the eerie hoots of distant owls and howls of midnight predators, creeping through the underbrush. It was terribly dark -the night sky was so vast and luminous that Lana felt very tiny and vulnerable under its glare. Lana nudged Simon, then Al, but both were deep in sleep. She prodded Al, even shaking her too wake up, but it looked like operation Find out About Wierdo was a complete bust. Lana scolded herself mentally for allowing herself to camp out with two sleep mongers, knowing well enough that she was borderline insomniac half the time. Unless Lana was enervated to the point of no return, did she rarely just collapse. It often took hours of sheer exasperation before she could fall asleep.
Lana really couldn’t sleep. She was hearing voices coming from the woods. She heard a wolf howling and strange whispers and tried to shake Simon to wake him up. He arose, rubbing his eyes. “Whaa, whaat,” he muttered. “Si, I’m hearing noises coming from the woods,” she muttered. It could be that creepy man…you know, the weirdo, “ she said.
“Give it up, Lana. There’s nothing out there. It’s all probably a figment of your imagination.”

But Lana was not about to give up. She was determined to find out who the man was who had been wearing a death eater mask and had been staring at her gloomily through the distance. Something about him allured her. She didn’t really comprehend what it was. It was not his attractiveness, but something else that was more powerful. Lana felt slightly perturbed by this feeling of longing to meet this unknown stranger. Practically dragging Si along, Lana set off on operation weirdo to find the hidden caper and find some meaning to this complicated and unruly situation.
Sleepy and restless, the two hiked through the messy bramble awaiting something unknown. It was dark and murky in the woods, not a place one would like to be at night. Eeery noises called to the two travelers from above the canopy of darkness. Hidden creatures lurked in the underbrush. Lana pointed her flash light around trying to locate some unknown figure in the dark, but was unable to. She sighed, wondering why she was so intrigued by this lone figure. She didn’t really know, but trudged along silently anyway in the underbrush shrouded in the darkness of the canopy. The wind whipped silent sentiments in her ear and whispered of things unseen. Lana clutched Si, wanting to feel that there was a tangible presence near her for comfort.
Suddenly a silhouette emerged from within the pitch black of night. The figure was hooded. Lana trembled, realizing it was the same man that had haunted the forest the evening she had ran to fetch the medicine. Shuddering, she backed away from the figure still clutching onto Si’s arm.
“Lana..!” Si wailed, but Lana was determined to find out who the menacing death-eater like character was. She stepped forward solemnly as if she was about to face her death sentence.
“He-hello…,” she spoke in a barely audible tone. The man loomed before her, black cloak and all. He was seemingly very unfriendly and his face was covered by a black and tight looking mask. Suddenly and swiftly, the man pulled his mask off to reveal a charming face.
“Hello, I am Sky the Warrior,“ he spoke in a comfortable and easy soft voice. His teeth were very straight and his smile was easy. Lana relaxed a little.
“Hi, I am Lana,” she responded, shaking. Lana was in utter disbelief. Freak!, she thought to herself, silently. Si stood there awkwardly and smiled boyishly back at Sky. Sky grinned back at Si and then his eyes rested on Lana. He was older and taller than Lana by quite some years. He has a nice way about him Lana, thought, but she wondered if he was telling the truth that he was an warrior. By the look of his muscles he was.
“So, you’re really a warrior?” Lana asked Sky.
“Yes,” he replied very seriously back at Lana. He did not smile at her this time. But looked at her, curiosity filled in his honey colored eyes.
“You..do not know?,” he spoke almost indignantly.
Was she supposed to know something? Some hidden truth of the world that she had not discovered at birth? And then she remembered the pale hue of her mother’s face when her mother had heard about the dementor-like figure who turned out to be Sky.
Suddenly alarm registered across Lana’s face.
“Are you alright?,” Sky asked, noting the confusion across Lana’s small pointed face.
Lana did not answer. Si stood stiffly waiting for a cue from Lana to somehow escape, but it did not come.
“I will not hurt either of you,” SKY assured Lana and Si.
“Am a warrior, sent to protect Earth from the dark sorceress. She is an evil witch lady. You may have seen her in your school. She goes by the alias Miss Gunther.”
Lana looked at Si who glanced back at her in disbelief.
“Lana, he can’t be a real person. This is absurd,” Si whispered.
“Shhh, Si. I think he’s telling the truth,” Lana replied.
Si calmed down, taking Lana’s word for it. But was still not fully satisfied. He had believed that this whole Operation Wierdo was just one of Lana’s schemes to go investigating in the middle of the night for God knows what reason.
“As we speak the Dark Sorceress is planning to take over Good Earth and turn it into a haven for other Dark Sorceress’s.”
I don’t trr..trust you..” muttered Lana, backing away, clutching the flashlight so tightly that her hand had begun to sweat. Si hid behind Lana, holding her hand. The two crept farther and farther away from Sky, unwilling to trust him. After all, he was a someone they did not know and they had been warned not to talk to strangers from childhood. There was no good reason why Lana should trust this scary man. In fact, she should not trust him, she consoled herself, but her consolations were in vain. Sky stepped forward and in several swift steps, he stood gazing down at Lana. Si stood trembling behind her.
“Lana, you are a Warrior as well. You do not know it, but you are, and you’re real name is Elanaa. You are like me. We have been blessed with special powers, to protect the Earth from Evil. To defy my the orders of the Good Council would be a misdeed. We need you on this mission to destroy the Dark Sorceress.”




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Hey,
I read your story. It was good except for a few gramatical mistakes. You need to put commas at some places while at others there need to be full stops. The very first sentence was a bit long. You can put a fullstop after wet hair.
Besides that, you've done an excellent job. So keep on writing.
You can wish for death... but you can't wish it away




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I can't wait to post the second chapter once I get more reviews! Hopefully that one is better than the first :)




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I really liked this story! It was very original, it was intruiging, and it had a great selection of characters. At some points in the story, a little odd tidbit comes in. They might be distracting the reader from the plot that's all around them. Instead of wondering who the dementor freak is and why the mom paled, you're thinking about Luke. Though I could be definitely wrong. Luke might be really important to the story. Just try not to distract the reader from the suspense.
I cant wait to read the second chapter!
Chow for now,
sionarama
"You may not be educated well in the areas of etiquette and the like as a princess, but you do throw some bashing good parties!"
Not all princesses are pink sparkles.
Exhibit A




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I am SO sorry it took me so long to review this!

As I already told you a while back I don't review on the mechanics of writing like the punctuation, spelling and grammatical things- unless it is really distracting me as a reader from the story.
I review on: characterization, plot, description, and the artistic side of writing. :)

I really like your idea here. it seems very fresh and new, yet is still a throwback to the epic adventure stories of yesteryear. :)

Your writing style is conversational and an easy read which is a good thing- it does get a little over wordy at times. try to find just the right word for what your trying to say. You'll find that one "perfect," vivid, strong word is much better than three "okay" words. :) you do have some amazingly vivid ones in there, just keep adding them!

The first thing that I must say is that I REALLY loved the interplay between Elana and her brother Michael- it seemed to me very natural yet combative like real siblings. their fathers reaction to Michael sort of swearing seemed not as strong as I would have expected but I am sure there is a reason. Michael seemed just the right amount of jerk brother and yet still loving brother.

The section in the story involving Lila Funrer or mentioning her I will say threw me a bit.
It has to do with the time period of the story. It seems to be in modern times, but the sections with her seem more historical than that. If it is modern time why would they be getting medicine form some crazy old lady in the woods? I would strongly suggest to you to add description as to "why" people get herbs from her and try to make sure she fit into the time of your story.
That being said I actually really liked Lila Funrer a great deal, her character was very strong and a really nice touch with the dead husband and her being so senile- I laughed.

Your character interplay is lovely and most of your characters are very strongly written or have the potential to be really strong characters.
I will say one with with them though- you like to give your characters nicknames which is great! (I love when characters have those pet names) the problem is that you have several characters with different nicknames and you use both their full name and nick names interchangeably. This quick change of pace so often can really though a reader. my suggestion to you is that you have your characters use the nicknames, and you use their full names. It will be easier for your readers to follow.

Another critique along with the name thing is this- you say your characters names A LOT. I know your trying to make sure your readers don't get mixed up as to who is speaking but you over use their names, and THAT can be distracting form your story. I would reread the piece and try to cut out as many of the name references in the description as you can without damaging the clarity of the story. (if you want me to go through and red highlight the ones "I" think can be cut I will, just let me know) :)

The school scene in the story was really fun and I liked how you didn't just breeze over it. Many epic adventure stories forget that their high school aged characters do have to go through the boring and monotonous things of everyday life.
You my dear did not fall into that trap! Bravo! You wrote a school day and not only had a class as part of it you made in interesting and a wonderful time to develop characters!

As another reviewer said I was a little confused by Elaana's fixation on Luke but again as they pointed out I am sure there is a reason that will become clear ere long! Also I really liked how you stated he was the dork from last year who suddenly became the really cute guy!


Now the biggest critique of this story I have is this- you need more description. (I know it is hard to write but it is really important)

Imagine a cake- yes I said cake! :)

The frosting in the dialogue and the cake part is the description. Now frosting is almost everyone's favorite part of a cake, it is the part everyone comments on when they see it, and it is the prettiest part of a cake. but as many know if you eat a whole can of frosting you feel sick afterwords AND more importantly frosting cannot hold itself up- it falls apart without a structure underneath it. The description is the structure of a story just like cake is for frosting. you can't write a strong and well put together story without description- just like frosting needs a cake underneath it to hold it up.

Now description is HARD to write, most writers prefer dialogue, it is the fun part of writing that gets the characters interacting. BUT there is only so much character interplay a reader can absorb in a sitting. readers need a break from characters talking to not only absorb what they just read but also to see what's going on in the story. Your description is the five senses of your reader. it tells them what they see, feel, touch, smell and even taste. a truly good writer will be able to use these in their writing to help the reader become fully immersed in the world of the author.

Now you are getting there!! (heck I'm a long way off from there!) but I really feel adding more description will clear away much of the confusion your readers will feel and help them to digest the dialogue and get so much more out of it. You really do write lovely character interplay!

(alright bare with me a little longer) :)

I liked the idea of Sky a great deal! I was a little lost of a few things (again description will help here) and I like how he was both socially awkward and yet incredibly charming. He seems threatening and yet surprisingly a gentle teddy bear all rolled into one! :3 (I love characters like that!) *snuggles Sky*

I would go back and edit that part (with SKy Elaana and her friends) as some of the characters seem a little forced and that scene doesn't flow as easily as some of your others.
Si seems a little weak (remember guys are the aggressive and protective types) Elaana's other friend kind of drops off suddenly and Elaana seems a little too trusting. Now that could be because she is a Warrior too? if it is I would make reference to it later because it is a point of confusion for your readers.

Now Lastly I will say this-
I REALLY ENJOYED reading this first chapter! I think you have a really good base for a wonderful novel, and with a little editing, and growing as a writer (which we are ALL doing ALL the time) I think this story has SO much AMAZING potential! You have the building blocks to create an epic adventure story, with a colorful cast of characters, and some really cool conflicts growing on the horizon!

If you have any questions or comment on my review PLEASE let me know! I would love to discuss anything you may want to further.

again I enjoyed this chapter quite a bit!

*Hugs*
~Shady
"D*** the torpedoes! Four bells! Full speed ahead!"~ Admiral David Farragut




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Thanks so much for the amazing review shady. I will definitely be using your advice. Also, I felt bad for taking away the focus on Lana's two friends, Al and Si and shifting so suddenly to Sky, but didn't know what else to do. Maybe they can come in again later. I will have to work on brainstorming and plot details more.



Be the annoying goose you want to see in the world.
— Welcome to Night Vale