A tear escapes my lids and rolls down my flushed pink cheek resting when it hits my thin lips. I can taste the salt on my tongue. I take a deep breathe as try to convince myself that today is a new day. Staring at my Teddy I remember my granny, her soul made from pure gold. She used to say I was born with her eyes, blue as blue could possibly be she said "beautiful blue". She was a thin lady, but ten times her weight full of love. She was my bestfriend, still is. My granny hadn't had a peaceful passing. She was murdered when I was eight years old, in front of my young eyes. You haven't been scarred until something like that happens in your life. You haven't heard your own heart beat until you've experienced that.
The men were dressed in black and grey. I recall my grandmother screaming for me to go, yelling to get far away from her. And then she turned to look at me. Her eyes were no longer sapphire blue, they were red as if filled with anger. I cringe at the memory and try to fight it out of my mind but it's much stronger than I am and only becomes more clear. The wack against the floor as her head hits it, the sound making my tummy churn. She stares at me for a moment her eyes barely holding onto life, soon life's presence slips away into the abiss and her eyes are left lifeless. I shouldn't have looked behind me as I ran away. Blood, death and the men no where in sight, not even a trace of evidence they'd been there. The feeling as I'd ran down the walkway and down the sidewalk towards my house was black. That's the only way I can describe it. It was completely insane, furious, empty, I was broken inside and still am. No one saw the men leave the house but they did see me running down the block.
I was blamed for my own grandmother's death, the woman I loved most in my life. My family has never looked at me the same.
As I lay in bed under five sets of quilts I wonder where she is now, is she happy? Safe? A loud screeching noise comes from my window and my head whips towards it. A crow is perched on the window ledge scratching at the glass. I don't know if it's the same stupid crow as yesterday morning but it's sure a pain in the ass. I chuck a pillow at the window and the crow turns and stares right at me. It locks me in it's gaze, my breathing stops for a second. It's eyes are the most human looking things I've ever seen on an animal. Then it flys away. I blink and shake my head, I've lost it.
"Hey Laytah come down stairs Aunty Noreen is here to visit!" my bratty 14 year old sister belts up the stairs. I roll my eyes and slide off my bed onto my feet. What time is it? I wonder, checking my alarm clock on the corner of my desk. 10:50am, damn I have to head to work in two hours. I throw on some clean clothes and gaze at my image in the mirror. My blonde hair is thrown every way possible and my eyes glow extricate sapphire blue. My skin is scarred like every morning before I apply my gallon of makeup and vitamin E oil. You see ever since I was young I've had this problem where if I get a scab I can't help myself from peeling it off I don't know why, I've never been able to stop it. I have scars literally ALL OVER my entire body in every place possible. I don't wear short sleeves or shorts so I'm pretty much a sweaty mess by the end of a hot summer day. Yeah that's right, welcome to my life.
My makeup takes about half an hour to apply plus another ten minutes to do my hair. So in about fourty minutes my family will be expecting I be downstairs. I rush through it only to have to start again because when the sun shines upon my face I have stupid make up lines.
My skin is white as can be all year around so well...even the lightest shade is too dark. Finally I've found something that doesn't leave make up lines although i have to apply three layers of different foundations. Pain in the ass? Oh yeah.
By the time I make it downstairs breakfast is cold and dad has gone off the work as an oil field operator, mom as a housekeeper in the local hospital. My little brother has gone off golfing with his friends and Rachael my sister has gone off on her first job as a babysitter for my aunt Laura this summer. My auntie Noreen sits at the table brushing through the 10 page paper and drinking what looks to be the second cup of coffee out of the coffee maker. I greet her with a fake smile before taking the open seat across from her at the mahogany kitchen table.
I steal a piece of stone cold bacon and slip it in my mouth before pouring myself a glass of apple juice. "Good morning Noreen." I don't use auntie or uncle before saying their names; I'm not sure why I just never have.
"Morning Laytah, work today?" she asks passing the eggs across the table to me.
"Yes, not so excited though, I'm not feeling the best." I tell her. For the first time she lifts her eyes from the paper and gazes at me, I can't help but cringe. Her eyes seem so much older than they truly are she’s only 35 if that, but her eyes seem to be about a million years more ancient than that. They're the same shade of blue as mine, a very bright electric blue, very rare though not as rare since colour contacts have made their appearance in the world.
Noreen has never really liked me...I've actually been scared of her for as long as I can remember...
Noreen stares at me, I shudder and I suddenly feel guilty and out of place. I feel as though I've committed a crime, a murder but I know that's not the case. And I swear it’s her eyes that frighten me most, though we share the same shade and yet my own eyes don't bother me one bit. Her skin is tight not baring a single wrinkle or line, mom says she has eternal beauty but I think she just uses a ton of Botox...probably even on her ass. A giggle escapes my lips before I can stop it and I notice Noreen’s eyes staring at me almost as if they're staring inside of me. My giggle almost turns into a scream as my eyes meet hers but I stop it from passing through my lips. We're both silent as I leave my breakfast at the table and walk up stairs, I feel her eyes on my back the whole way up.
I make my bed for the first time in months, I don't know why I just have this eerie feeling in the back of my head and I guess it’s making me a bit nervous. I comb my hair three more times and slip on my favourite pair of L.A Idol USA jeans and a black George Canyon concert t-shirt followed by my black and red school coat over top. I've always thought I looked better in black than any other colour.
Before I know it it's about time I leave for work, I peek out my window to see if Noreen’s car is still in the drive way and to my surprise it is. I pin a fake smile to my face as I attempt to give myself enough courage to walk out of my room, down the stairs, past Noreen and out the door. Just as I reach for my door knob, a pounding sounds on the door. I take a few steps back so I don't get wonked with the door and then invite my visitor in already knowing who it is.
"Come in!" I keep the smile pinned to my face struggling to hold it there.
She steps into the room, a small brown box in her left hand. "Happy Birthday Laytah, I'm headed out of town, this is from me." She extends the arm attached to her hand with the small brown box towards me and I curiously pick it up. Something immediately draws me to the box and though I know she's opened her lips to say something else, I don't hear it. But what I do hear is a loud thumping in head. I lift off the top of the box to reveal a ring, a silver band with the most beautiful, large jewel encased. I'm sure it'ss sapphire; it reminds me of my granny's eyes. I can't take my eyes away from it but somehow I manage to thank her.
"It's a sapphire, it's your gem, mine as well. You're welcome...Laytah, please take care of it, it has a lot of meaning." Before I can reply she is out the door making her way down the stairs. I watch as she climbs in her car and drives down the street, once she is out of sight my gaze switches back to the contents of the tiny brown box. I'm going to be late for work but I don't care.
I slip the ring onto my ring finger. I hold my hand out in front of me and smile, it's perfect. I feet a smile grow on my face, a real smile.
The whole way to work I can't help myself from staring at it, I watch it glimmer in the sun, tilting it this way and that just to watch it shine. I can't wait to show Daniel, I’ve already sent him a picture text revealing its beauty to him but it’s still much more beautiful in person.
There’s no realistic way to say this but the ring, it gives me confidence it makes me feel like I have a place in the world. For the first time since my grandma passed away eight years ago I can smile and mean it, for the first time in years I’m happy and there’s really no rational reason why.
