Playing Hearts - Chapter 1 (Draft)

I ran down the mountain, jumping to close rocks. I almost fell over the edge of the mountain, a river flowing beneath me. I waved my arms to keep my balance and rocked my bare feet. I jumped off and hit a rock close to the wall of the canyon. A sharp pain spread through my leg, but I caught myself from yelling. I jumped in the other direction and zigzagged down the walls, finally touching the ground. I looked up to see if the Vampires were coming, and sure enough, they were close behind.
My name is Destynee, and I'm a Half Blood Werewolf in the LightningVine tribe. I live in a large pack on the mountains I'm running from, but the Vamps were trying to run us out for territory. I was an orphan. I remember watching my parents being killed by Vamps when I was five. I watched them die right in front of me. A month after that I was turned into the most powerful Werewolf in the tribe. Now I was thirteen.
I dodged a big rock from underneath me. Werewolves ran pretty fast, about 50-80 miles per hour. Vampires ran just as fast, if not faster. I needed to find a big town fast, but out in Arizona, it was hard to find anywhere.
I looked for the end of the canyon. My wolf ears pointed upward on my head. Humans were coming. I changed into my wolf form, so they wouldn't suspect anything.
I hesitated to look back, but if I did I could run into something. I decided to just keep running. I pounced to the other side of the river to get out of the terrified Hikers' way. I slightly turned my crimson head, and saw the Vamps right behind on the other side of the river. I sped up and saw the end of the canyon. I turned back into my slender Human form.
When I got closer to the end, a gas station stood in view. I smiled in relief and continued running. I ran for a little bit longer, then tore open the doors.
"Can I use your phone?" I said to the lady at the desk, who was chewing gum loudly.
"No, kid, now shoo," she tapped her fingers on the counter.
"Please, Ma'am. It's an emergency," I said in an innocent voice.
"Fine, but make it quick," she slid the phone across the counter over to me.
I pulled Master's phone number out of my pocket. Hopefully she wasn't in trouble. I dialed it quickly and turned my head to see if the Vamps were coming in. They waited outside the door, hesitating to come inside.
"Hello?" Master's voice came on.
"Master, it's Destynee," I said, "I'm trapped inside a gas station."
The counter lady stared at me.
"Are you ok?" she almost screamed.
"Yeah, but more importantly, are YOU ok?" I said.
"Of course I'm fine. I've got Ava with me," She sighed.
Thank God, I thought.
Ava was the youngest Werewolf in the tribe. Only eight years old. She was like a sister to me.
"Hello, Destynee?" she said.
"What do I do? They're outside," I said, staring at the Vamps pasty white skin.
"Ask if they have a back exit you can go through. If not, check if the bathroom has windows," Master said.
"Ok, thanks, Master. I'll call you when I get somewhere safe," I nodded.
"Alright, my Lightning Child," Master hung up.
Lightning Child, huh? Most powerful child in the pack.
I hung up and went to go look in the back for an exit.

Nice work so far!!!!!!!!!! =)

I ran down the mountain, jumping to close rocks. I almost fell over the edge of the mountain, a river flowing beneath me. I waved my arms to keep my balance and rocked my bare feet. I jumped off and hit a rock close to the wall of the canyon. A sharp pain spread through my leg, but I caught myself from yelling. I jumped in the other direction and zigzagged down the walls, finally touching the ground. I looked up to see if the Vampires were coming, and sure enough, they were close behind.

This is a really good beginning. I really like this. Instead of "I caught myself from yelling," I would change it to, "I kept myself from yelling." You don't have to change it, that's merely a suggestion.

My name is Destynee, and I'm a Half Blood Werewolf in the LightningVine tribe. I live in a large pack on the mountains I'm running from, but the Vamps were trying to run us out for territory. I was an orphan. I remember watching my parents being killed by Vamps when I was five. I watched them die right in front of me. A month after that I was turned into the most powerful Werewolf in the tribe. Now I was thirteen.

Half-blood should probably have a dash between it, as seen. Instead of "I was an orphan," just make it, "I am an orphan."

"I watched them die right in front of me." --> "I watched them die before my eyes." It makes it more intense.

I dodged a big rock from underneath me. Werewolves ran pretty fast, about 50-80 miles per hour. Vampires ran just as fast, if not faster. I needed to find a big town fast, but out in Arizona, it was hard to find anywhere.
I looked for the end of the canyon. My wolf ears pointed upward on my head. Humans were coming. I changed into my wolf form, so they wouldn't suspect anything.

Omit "from" in the very first sentence here. Ran --> run.

When using numbers, you should try to type them out whenever you can.

"My wolf ears pointed upward on my head." I might just say "My wolf ears twitched up." Keep in mind that these are ONLY suggestions. Your writing is great.

I hesitated to look back, but if I did I could run into something. I decided to just keep running. I pounced to the other side of the river to get out of the terrified Hikers' way. I slightly turned my crimson head, and saw the Vamps right behind on the other side of the river. I sped up and saw the end of the canyon. I turned back into my slender Human form.
When I got closer to the end, a gas station stood in view. I smiled in relief and continued running. I ran for a little bit longer, then tore open the doors.

"but if I did" --> "because if I did." It makes more sense. x3 Did you capitalize "Hikers" for a reason? I understand capitalizing Vampires and Werewolves, but you shouldn't really need to capitalize Hikers. What about Human? That one's up to you. (;

"Can I use your phone?" I said to the lady at the desk, who was chewing gum loudly.

"No, kid, now shoo," she tapped her fingers on the counter.

"Please, Ma'am. It's an emergency," I said in an innocent voice.

This is the only thing you HAVE to change for the sake of grammar. I had this same problem not too long ago. When you end a quote with an action, that's called a beat. You don't use commas to end the quote when you have a beat. So, it should be:

"No, kid; now shoo." She tapped her fingers on the counter. --- Also note the semicolon. (;

"Fine, but make it quick," she slid the phone across the counter over to me.

I pulled Master's phone number out of my pocket. Hopefully she wasn't in trouble. I dialed it quickly and turned my head to see if the Vamps were coming in. They waited outside the door, hesitating to come inside.

"Hello?" Master's voice came on.

"Fine, but make it quick." She slid the phone across the counter over to me.

"Vamps were coming in" --> "Vamps would come in." Just a suggestion.

"Master, it's Destynee," I said, "I'm trapped inside a gas station."

The counter lady stared at me.

"Are you ok?" she almost screamed.

"Yeah, but more importantly, are YOU ok?" I said.

Did I mention I REALLY LOVE the spelling you have for Destynee? Love it. I would end the first "I said" with just a period, not a comma. Usually you use commas when you're not beginning a new sentence.

When you say "The counter lady stared at me." and "Are you ok?" she almost screamed." it makes it sound like that's what the counter lady is saying. Clarify it by saying, "Are you okay?" Master almost screamed." Also, when you're writing, it's a really bad idea to put "ok". You should stick with "okay."

""Are YOU ok?" I said." I would change this to "I asked." Suggestion, once again. (;

"Of course I'm fine. I've got Ava with me," She sighed.

Thank God, I thought.

Ava was the youngest Werewolf in the tribe. Only eight years old. She was like a sister to me.

"Hello, Destynee?" she said.

"What do I do? They're outside," I said, staring at the Vamps pasty white skin.

"I've got Ava with me." She sighed. <-- proper beat
"What do I do? They're outside," I said, staring at the Vampires' pasty white skin. <-- Possession

"Ask if they have a back exit you can go through. If not, check if the bathroom has windows," Master said.

"Ok, thanks, Master. I'll call you when I get somewhere safe," I nodded.

"Alright, my Lightning Child," Master hung up.

Lightning Child, huh? Most powerful child in the pack.

I hung up and went to go look in the back for an exit.

"I'll call you when I get somewhere safe." I nodded. <-- Proper beat
"Alright, my Lightning Child." Master hung up. <-- Proper beat

-----

I LOVE THIS STORY SO FAR! I am so curious to find out more about the pack, more about this Master, why the Vampires chose tonight to chase her - did she stray out of her safety too far? I'm so curious and I want to know what happens! I realize this review might seem a little mean the way I did it above, but please realize that most of the little edits I did were only suggestions. They were fine the way you had them, I just made little suggestions that might make it even better. The only thing that you had real issues with were beats, but that's okay. I think that a lot of people have that issue one time or another. I know I did. It took forever for me to get it straightened out. I still have troubles with it.

I LOVE the name Destynee! I'm really curious to see where this goes! Keep it up!

Ah, a story.
Nitpicking it is!

Okay, I started going through it and here is what I noticed:

Your descriptions are confusing. 'I almost fell over a mountain, a river flowing beneath me.' That paints the picture of a possibly dramatic almost-fall off a mountain, and then a river is there. I think you meant to put that the river was where Destynee almost fell, being on a lower ledge of the mountain.

Second: Try and incorporate emotions into this better. Actions are useful for painting a vague picture, but what truly causes the story to grab a person in is the ability to see the character in all their glory, with emotions realistic and visible. I don't know what emotions Destynee has.

Third: Description, description. Yes, she's on a mountain. Where? Whats the weather like? Try and incorporate the senses a bit more, especially since you're using 1st person.

Third: Try and start your sentences differently. The word 'I' is used a lot.

I ran down the mountain, jumping to close rocks *(Doesn't make sense)* . I almost fell over the edge of the mountain, a river flowing beneath me. I waved my arms to keep my balance and rocked on?my bare feet. I jumped off and hit a rock close to the wall of the canyon. A sharp pain spread through my leg, but I caught myself from yelling. I jumped in the other direction and zigzagged down the walls [b]*This bit is confusing. How does one zigzag down walls?* [/b] finally touching the ground. I looked up to see if the Vampires *Does this need to be capitalized?* were coming, and sure enough, they were close behind.

Perhaps you could include emotion here, isn't she scared?

My name is Destynee, and I'm a Half Blood Werewolf * Necessary to be capitalized?* in the LightningVine tribe. I live in a large pack on the mountains I'm running from, but the Vamps were trying to run us out for territory. I was *tense, I think** an orphan. I remember watching my parents being killed by Vamps when I was five. I watched them die right in front of me. A month after that I was turned into the most powerful Werewolf in the tribe. Now I was thirteen.

Emotion. You need emotion. She is a bland character right now, a 2D one. In fact, she seems to be on the verge of being a Mary-Sue, an overpowered, cliche character. Google it if you want more of an explanation, but that is what she is. She needs to be realistic.[/i] Destynee may be a fantasy character, but she has to be human. Does she have flaws? Could you imagine someone like her?

I dodged a big rock from underneath me *Underneath her was the ground, or that was the impression. If she jumped, then she jumped, but where did the rock come from?*. Werewolves ran pretty fast, about 50-80 *I think you're supposed to make this: fifty to eighty miles per hour. Vampires ran just as fast, if not faster. I needed to find a big town fast, but out in Arizona, it was hard to find anywhere.

Incorporate fear, or worry at least.

I looked for the end of the canyon. My wolf ears pointed upward on my head. *Try and say this from her POV at bit more, ergo: I felt my ears.* Humans were coming. I changed into my wolf form, so they wouldn't suspect anything.

I hesitated to look back, but if I did I could run into something.*Confused.* I decided to just keep running. I pounced to the other side of the river to get out of the terrified Hikers' *Is the capital hikers necessary? And no apostrophe there.* way. I slightly turned my crimson head, and saw the Vamps right behind on the other side of the river *Behind the river? This doesn't seem right, to me. Where'd the river come from? I can't remember, and if I can't, otehr people probably can't either.*. I sped up and saw the end of the canyon. Add [i]emotion.I turned back into my slender Human form.

When I got closer to the end, a gas station stood in view. I smiled in relief and continued running. I ran for a little bit longer, then tore open the doors.

Couldn't you use another word but 'ran' and 'run' and 'running? Try putting the word into this site: http://www.onelook.com/reverse-dictionary.shtml

"Can I use your phone?" I said to the lady at the desk, who was chewing gum loudly. *You could describe this better, what does it sound like, what does it look like?

"No, *no comma* kid, now shoo, *no comma. The tag isn't a 'he said, she said' tag, so there doesn't need to be a comma.*" *capital.*she tapped her [color=#FF0000]*typo? him or her?*[/color] fingers on the counter.

"Please, Ma'am. It's an emergency," I said in an innocent voice. *Seems off. Try another adjective.*

"Fine, but make it quick," she slid the phone across the counter over to me.

I pulled myMaster's phone number out of my pocket. Hopefully she wasn't in trouble. I dialed it quickly and turned my head to see if the Vamps were coming in. They waited outside the door, hesitating to come inside.

"Hello?" Master's voice came on *This might be just me, but I don't like the word choice..
"Master, it's Destynee," I said, "I'm trapped inside a gas station."

The counter lady stared at me.

"Are you ok?" she almost screamed. This reaction is strange. I doubt that the counter lady would be paying that much attention. Besides its spelled 'okay', not ok. EDIT: Never mind.

"Yeah, but more importantly, are YOU ok *okay*?" I said.

"Of course I'm fine. I've got Ava with me," She *she* sighed.

Thank God, I thought. *Wait, what?! This isn't making any sense. EDIT: Oh, never mind. Clear up that it wasn't the counter lady that screamed, 'Are you okay!'.

Ava was the youngest Werewolf in the tribe. Only eight years old. She was like a sister to me.

"Hello, Destynee?" she said.

"What do I do? They're outside," I said, staring at the Vamps pasty white skin. *How come they can't come in? And wouldn't they be watching her, so she couldn't escape?*

"Ask if they have a back exit you can go through. If not, check if the bathroom has windows," Master said.

"Ok, thanks, Master. I'll call you when I get somewhere safe, *It's '.' not ','*" I nodded.

"Alright, my Lightning Child, *.*" Master hung up.

Lightning Child, huh? Most powerful child in the pack. *Lost. Completely lost.*

I hung up and went to go look in the back for an exit.

Overall, I suppose that your story has potential. Flesh out your characters and reactions, and perhaps change the name 'Destynee' into 'Destiny.' That's your call, though, but the name 'Destynee' is just strange to me. And I usually love unique names.
Work to make your characters real and have background. Try and not keep your reader in the dark.Revise this chapter, since it could be amazing instead of simply good if the characters, setting, and emotion were described better. Your grammar was pretty good, and if you use description and emotion, so could your plot. A scene like yours is better when you can get a vivid image of it.

You are a good writer, but keep in mind that everyone can improve.

Thanks guys! I know you weren't trying to be mean or anything, I know I can use more flow in my stories and this is my main story i'm working on. Being 12 and all, you have to teach yourself to write if you need to know anything about writing. Thank you so much! I really appreciate your effort of reading my draft and hope to see your stories

I think most everything has been pointed out but I just have to say, I love the way you spelled Destiny! Destynee... That is so cool. At the beginning, you started a lot of sentences with 'I'. Try using other words to start your sentences so there is some variety, but don't change the beginning word if it feels right. Giving Destynee emotional reactions will make it more dramatic. Describe how her heart is about to burst from her chest out of fear and how she can barely keep her legs from shaking. Does her voice quiver when she speaks to Master? If she even is afraid; she might be a tough girl who isn't afraid of anything (everybody is afraid of something though) and sees the chase as a challenge. I couldn't tell you who Destynee is since I don't know enough about her from what you have shown us already.

Describing the scenery more will let us picture what Destynee is experiencing and her outlook on the world. How your character describes situations, other characters, and the setting helps the reader learn about the character and her personality. A person who describes the rain as depressing has a totally different outlook on life than a person who sees the rain as calming and beautiful. And I'll bet an experience affected that outlook. I am no expert at 'show don't tell' but I think you need to show some more. I think most of this was said already and I'm sorry if none of this helped.

The part when you wrote, "The counter lady stared at me.
"Are you ok?" she almost screamed.
"Yeah, but more importantly, are YOU ok?" I said.
"Of course I'm fine. I've got Ava with me," She sighed." I got confused because I thought the counter lady was asking Destynee if she was okay. It took me a moment to realize she was talking with Master. If you could be a bit more specific about who is talking at that part, I think it would help a lot.

You're doing great so far and I can't wait to read more of this story! Keep writing!