The Princess and the Stones Prologue

"I hear he passed away of a broken heart. It's understandable. I personally could never comprehend his pain after the loss of Queen Illeira and the child." An elven dressmaker said to her client, as she carefully placed pins along the hemline of the elaborate gown. She, like the entire kingdom of Karelena City, and even the entire country, was both mourning the loss of the beloved king, as well as spreading gossip about his tragic death.

The client shook her head and admired her own reflection in the mirror. "I've heard... Other things."

"Bat your wings. I need to make sure the dress won't bunch." The dressmaker said, pressing pins between her lips. She carefully finished pinning before returning to the conversation. "Now, what do you mean by 'other things?'"

"I've heard whispering of his interest in the crystal ruins." She said. "He must have been going batty with grief. Everyone knows the stones are mere myth." The client scoffed.

The seamstress stood up to admire her work. "Now Ms. Estella, let's not be judgemental. Neither you nor I have any idea what really happened."

Estella sighed, and moved behind the curtain to change back into her own clothes. "I suppose you're right, Moraca. Now, who is going to reign now, anyway?"

Moraca stopped to think for a moment. "The king's cousin, to my knowledge. Him and his new bride. He's the son of King Orire of the small kingdom on the countries edge, Halatia. How a kingdom prince can instantly learn to rule an entire country is beyond my understanding. As for his wife, well I'm not exactly sure who she is though."

“That Isabella-Maris girl, isn't it? Isn't she barely twelve years old?" Estella asked. "A mere child she is, she can't be queen."

Moraca shook her head. "Three years she's been a adult, Ms. Estella. Nineteen is a good enough age to be queen, under these circumstances, anyway. Besides, her husbands old enough to be a mature king. Nearing twenty-five I believe."

"Still too young for my taste. Aren't they already expecting their heir?"

Moraca nodded, as she carefully lay the unfinished gown on her work table. "I believe so. I also hear that they've promised him to be the groom of Miss Talia Thormas."

Estella sighed, rather disappointed. "Poor thing, barely a year old and already she has a fiancé."

"Poor her? Think of her fiancé, he isn't even born yet." Moraca said, turning to look at the nearby cradle that held her son. "I couldn't even imagine doing such a thing to my own son."

Estella nodded in agreement. "Well, the fairies do things much different than you elven folk do."

"You're one of those fairies Estella, don't think they are any different. It isn't a race specifically, it's the nobles, all of them. They have the strangest way of living, don't they? Sometimes, I doubt it's the best way to live." Moraca said. She wasn't speaking directly to Estella, but actually was thinking aloud.

"You'd best be careful who you say that to Moraca, those nobles might demand your head for such insults." Estella warned.

Moraca breezily waved away the idea. "Aye, I know. Now, I'll see you tomorrow, once I finish the alterations."

"Alright, first thing tomorrow. Good bye Moraca."

**************************************
Twelve years had come and gone since Reir, the new king, and his wife had taken over the kingdom of Karelena. They lead the country and it's thirteen small kingdoms just as well as their cousin had before them. Only one problem occurred during these twelve years, but unfortunately, this problem sparked many more. It all begun with the birth of their first child.

A girl.

Not just any sort of girl either. This girl was strong headed, stubborn and rebellious, and thought little of the royal families traditional ways of arranged marriages and formalities. This girl's name was Esmaeiria, and it is with her that our story begins.

I like this. It's simple and gives enough info to understand what's happening, but in a way that's interesting. I think it was a cool idea to have them discussing news while she's being fitted for a dress; it gives a relaxed, gossipy feeling but still serious in a way.

This hooked me-I want to read more! The ending was kind of confusing though. I didn't really get the transition to the daughter. It kinda took away from the flow of the story. Maybe wording it differently could help.

Overall, I think this was fun and interesting to read. I can't wait to hear more! Keep on writing.

Hello, Floral Tiara. Here to review.
Okay...let's see. I generally like this! It gives me the Lord of the Rings feeling and I like the world you're creating.
But, A) Although I saw a few gramatical errors, like changing "was" to "were" in the first paragraph, (just little things like that) the thing that got to me was the misuse of commas at times.
Examples:

FloralTiara wrote: It's understandable, I could never comprehend his pain after the loss of Queen Illeira and the child."

An elven dressmaker said to her client, as she carefully placed pins along the hemline of the elaborate gown.

"Bat your wings, change to a "--" or place a period and begin a new sentence. I need to make sure the dress won't bunch." The dressmaker said, pressing pins between her lips. She carefully finished pinning before returning to the conversation. "Now, what do you mean by 'other things?'"

Moraca stopped to think for a moment. "The king's cousin, and his new bride. He's the son of King Orire of the small kingdom on the countries edge, Halatia. How a kingdom prince can instantly learn to rule an entire country is beyond my understanding. As for his wife, well, now you need to ADD one I'm not exactly sure who she is though."

“That Isabella-Maris girl, isn't it? Isn't she barely twelve years old?" Estella asked. "A mere child she is, You need to make this a new sentence can't be queen."

Moraca shook her head. "Three years she's been a adult, Ms. Estella. Nineteen is a good enough age to be queen, under these circumstances, anyway. Besides, her husbands old enough to be a mature king, New sentence twenty-five You could add a comma if you'd like, it sounds natural that way to me I believe."

"Still to Sorry, this isn't a comma, but just to let you know it needs to be "too" young for my taste. Aren't they already expecting their heir?"

Moraca nodded, as she carefully lay the unfinished gown on her work table. "I believe so. I also hear that they've promised him to be the groom of Miss Talia Thormas."

"Poor her? Think of her fiancé, pretty sure this needs to be a new sentence. If you'd like, you could also add a "!" after "think of her fiance" he isn't even born yet." Moraca said, turning to look at the nearby cradle that held her son. "I couldn't even imagine doing such a thing to my own son."

Estella nodded in agreement. "Well, the fairies do things much different than you elven folk do."

"You're one of those fairies Estella, don't think they are any different. It isn't a race specifically, it's the nobles, new sentence or "--" all of them. They have the strangest way of living, don't they? Sometimes, I doubt it's the best way to live." Moraca said. She wasn't speaking directly to Estella, but actually was thinking aloud.

Moraca breezily waved away the idea. Sorry it's not a comma, I just wanted to say I like that sentence. "Aye, I know. Now, I'll see you tomorrow, once I finish the alterations."

Those are the ones I caught. If they're just red, I suggest deleting them. If they have a suggestion, that means to change it to that.
And B) You need more description. I have no idea where they are--a castle, a house, a shack? No idea, you never mention it. What was the color of her elaborate gown? What materials were used, what's the texture, what does it remind the dressmaker of? Any of these. What do the two characters look like? What's the terrain of their kingdom--snowy? A jungle? Grassy? Just things like these. You could push plenty of description with this story and not have too much of it.

But I really did enjoy this! I'd love to read more. Happy writing!

--Lollipopper

Hai!

I like your title; it's very fairy-tale, like The Princess and the Pea kind of thing, and I was intrigued enough by the first paragraph to leave my episode of The Big Bang Theory and read on, so kudos on getting a good hook beginning.

There were some grammar errors:

"Bat your wings, I need to make sure the dress won't bunch." The dressmaker said, pressing pins between her lips.

You do this the whole way through. When you end dialogue with a tag, like he said or she said, you need to end with a comma and start the tag with a small letter. So it should look like this:

"Bat your wings, I need to make sure the dress won't bunch," the dressmaker said, pressing pins between her lips.

See?

Your dialogue is very good. The introduction of the two different creatures and the situation was all done well, and their discussion sounded very realistic and believable. ^_^ You manage to let us know what's happening and who's who and where's where without resorting to paragraphs of info-dumping telling us exactly what's what.

However, this made the last chunk of the chapter a disappointment, because that is an info dump.

In the last chunk, you spell out in the narrative what's going to happen; you tell us everything and there's nothing new to find out. It's clunky and obvious and all telling, and the description of the girl who's born doesn't encourage me to read on. She's a princess, royal and entitled, but she scorns all that tradition and wants to do her own thing because she's a loner, Dotty, she's a rebel, and there's things about her you don't understand, things you couldn't understand, things you shouldn't understand...

K, maybe that's a little exaggeration, but it smells like a Mary Sue. Have a look here and here and see how Esmaeiria scores. If she's not a Sue, then you can fling mud at me and laugh. That description just smells of Sewage, that's all. I'm sorry if that sounds mean, but the first part of the chapter was really good, so I'd hate it if it goes downhill later on.

PM me if you have any questions!

-twit

When I first read the title, I instantly clicked the link to your story and I'm glad I did. It's great! It's totally a story I would see in a bookstore, read the title and instantly buy it.

I love how you started the story out with two woman gossiping, love it! I can totally picture it too. And the ending of this chapter was wonderful. "The Princess and the Stones", I think, has a lot of potential and I can't wait to read more.

Keep writing!

~JustMe