Keeper Chapter one

I woke with a startled jolt. Glancing out the window at the slowly brightening darkness outside, I guessed it was around 5:45. I had been dreaming only moments before. It had been a strange dream, I was sure of it- frightening, too. But all I could remember was a bright, glowing light and a face. Not a face I recognized, which meant it had already faded away by now and I couldn't remember it.

Sweeping my long hair out of my eyes, I stumbled into the bathroom and started the shower. I wasn't what you would call a morning person, and this was the only fool-proof way to really get me alert.

After getting completely ready for the day, I got my bag and slipped quietly out the door; grabbing some toast on the way. Aunt Sarah was still sleeping, and I was being as careful as I could not to wake her up. I was definitely not in the mood to be lectured at the moment, or ever.

I took my time on the walk to school, relishing in the peace and quiet, the calm sound of slight wind, and the just warming up sun on my face. I knew it was all I was going to get that day.

Jess was waiting for me, slouched by the entrance to school.

“Hey, Jess, where’s Maddie?” I wondered. Jess grimaced.

“She had to go to math early and take a test,” She said. I made a sympathetic face.

“That sucks. I wouldn’t want to spend extra time in math,” I said. Jess grinned.

“Who would?” She laughed. The warning bell rang, and I waved to Jess, walking towards English. Miss Bell was waiting by the door.

“Good morning, Sienna,” She greeted me cheerfully. I smiled back. Out of all my teachers, Miss Bell was the most tolerable. In her early twenties, she was young enough to understand her students, and actually knew a few good jokes. She had a huge shelf of books at the back of the classroom, which she willingly lent out. Another enthusiastic writer, she was one teacher I could actually talk to.

“Hi,” I said. “Do you have any new books in?” I asked hopefully. She shook her head regretfully.

“I ordered some new ones though; they should be here in a few days. Just hold on a little longer.” She said teasingly. Grinning, I walked past her into the classroom. Choosing a random desk, I plopped my bag down and glanced towards the door. Maddie must still be in math, I thought. Sighing, I pulled out last night’s homework and started looking over it.


A few seconds before the bell rang, Maddie rushed in, breathing heavily. Her giant math book was clutched to her chest, along with a huge stack of rumpled papers. Her purse swung wildly from her elbow. Tucking a strand of red hair behind her freckled ears, she made her way towards me and clunked noisily into her desk.

“How’d the test go?” I whispered. She frowned.

“79 percent, again.” She complained. “I swear that Mr. Parker purposely marks the same questions wrong each time!” She lowered her voice as Miss Bell looked our way. “I really think he hates me,” She confessed darkly. I suppressed a laugh, and she shot a glare at me. Before she could reply, Miss Bell started talking, shooting a meaningful glance in our direction.

“If I could have all of your attention, please?”





“Worst history lesson ever,” I declared as Jess, Maddie, and I walked into the lunchroom. Grabbing our lunch trays, the three of us sat at a table.

“I fell asleep at that last part,” Jess confessed. I giggled. Her eyes widened.

“No, really! One minute I was taking notes, the next minute I was drooling on my desk and the bell was ringing.” Maddie laughed.

“Hey, shopping tonight?” Jess asked hopefully. We had a standing tradition of going to the mall every Friday, but the last two times had been cancelled at the last minute.

“I can’t go,” I said. Jess groaned. “What?” I asked. “You know what it’s like at home. I’ve got to cook, and clean, and shop, and basically do everything. Are you going to blame me for that?” Jess pouted.

“You don’t really have to clean up…” She began. I interrupted her.

“Sure, but if I didn’t, every time I’d come home I’d be wading through a river of garbage. Aunt Sarah cleans up nothing. That’s why I never go in her room.” I said disgustedly. Maddie looked up from her textbook and said,

“Yeah… I can’t go either.” In a tired voice, “I’ve got tons of homework to catch up with, and on top of that I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately. Sorry, Jess, maybe next week.” Jessica gaped at us furiously, and we both shrugged. Then she sighed.

“Alright, I guess I could use the extra homework time too.” She grumbled. Then her face brightened.

“Hey, how about I come over to your house and we can work on homework together?” She suggested. I shook my head. Working together for her meant copying all my answers, and I had too much stuff to do already.

“Maybe we can hang out tomorrow.” I said. “My job today is deep clean.”
Deep clean meant everything, and it was going to take all day to do.

“It’s so that I don’t have to clean on Saturday, remember?” I said before Jess could complain.

“I’m not planning a shopping trip on Saturday,” She grumbled. I shot her an apologetic look, and then turned to Maddie.

“I saw you talking to Ben,” I teased. She grinned.

“He’s looking for a math tutor, finally.” Giving her a high five in congratulations, I got up and threw my lunch away.

“I got to go, guys. Mr. Hansen wants all of us to come early for a ‘meeting’,” I said. “I’m probably not going to see you guys again today, since I’ve got to rush home. So bye!” They waved at me as I walked away, Jess glumly and Maddie already turning her attention towards homework.

Yeah, sorry about the weird dots in the middle. I don't really know how to show that it's a couple hours later.

I like the story. It's not the type of story I typically read, but I like it.

Hello, I like this story line its different from anything else I have read.

At the beginning of the chapter I think you could of describe her surroundings and the character a bit more so the reader has more to go on and gets a better picture.

“I swear, Mr. Parker purposely marks the same questions wrong each time!”

You don't need the comma there

Sorry, Jess, Maybe next week

The M doesn't need to be a capital.

Another than that I don't think its at all bad

Keep it up x

This is great! Just like your prologue, I sincerely enjoyed this. I hope you finish it someday. It has a serious potential for being published. Really. All it needs is a bit of editing, and, obviously, to be done. Hurry and post the next bit so I can read it! Lovin' it!!!

TS

Hello Reagan, I'm here as requested.

It had been a strange dream, I was sure of it- *space* frightening, too.

Make a space between 'it 'and 'frightening', because it's less confusing. That way the reader knows that the two words aren't together.

Not a face I recognized, which meant that it had already faded away by now it had already faded away and I couldn’t remember it back.

I re-phrased this line a little bit so it was less confusing, and it flowed better. Hope it's okay.

I wasn't what you would call a morning person, and this was the only fool-proof way to really get me alert.

I know this is not a major mistake, but I think that it would be better if you kept everything in past tense.

Aunt Sarah was still sleeping, and I was being as careful as I could not to wake her up.

I took my time on the walk to school, relishing in the peace and quiet, the calm sound of slight wind, and the just warming up sun on my face.

“She had to go to math early and take a testcomma,” she said. I made a sympathetic face.

Normally, there's a comma after a dialogue when there's a 'she said', or something that gives more details on how the character talked or said the words. If it doesn't give details about the dialogue itself, rather an action, or a reaction, there should be a period. Like in this case, it should be a comma.

I'm not going to correct everything, because if you correct it yourself, you'll remember it the next time you write.

Maddie must still be in math, I thought.

The part should be in italic because it's a direct thought.

......

For the transition, you could always do asterisk (***) to mark the transition. Or you could always say it in words.
EX: The lesson flied by, leaving us to leave the class to go sit another hour in our history class. When the class ended, we all went to the cafeteria for lunch hour.

Overall it's a great beginning. I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter and seeing what this whole fantasy thing is about.

Also, I really like the fact that you haven't told us all of their physic and personality. I see this too often now, and it's not a good thing. The best way is to take your time and characterize as you go in the story.

I've noticed that there was a little bit of roughness to your sentences and that made the mood a little bit hard and mad. I know that that wasn't your intention, and you could probably easily correct that by connecting some of your sentences together.

I giggled. Her eyes widened.

Like this part would become: I giggled and her eyes widened.

Keep writing!

-Other One

There's a few places where I guess grammar could be improved, but I don't know how to do that quote thing yet. But you've still written this very well. I really wish I knew how to be helpful. I was going to try copying and pasting for the quotes, but I couldn't see any errors (I think I noticed about 2 or 3 on my first read) by skimming through it, so I think it should suffice as is for now. But as for the story, very original, and it's good that you didn't rush into the plot like I have a habit of doing hehe. Well, keep writing! I'm still hooked!

Hey,
No Nitpicks, I just wanted to let you know I really enjoyed this and I'm definitely keeping tabs on this story!
Best wishes with your writing!
-Briggsy