Alchemists 2: Spirit, Mind, Shadow and a lot of Water

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Chapter Two: Spirit, Mind, Shadow and a lot of Water.
Felicity, Cameron and Jason left the school and headed to the local take-out shop which was located on the bank of the local lake. Felicity ordered the food and followed the boys out to a table overlooking the once blue, but now green lake.
“Yum. Hotdogs are my favorite food!” Jason smiled. He was just about to take a bite out of it when a ton of water appeared from nowhere and emptied itself on Felicity.
“What the fuck?!” Felicity spluttered and coughed. Cameron and Jason turned to the sound of a girl, standing ankle deep in the water, bawling with laughter.
Felicity looked angrily at the girl.
“Natalia Narre has anyone ever told you you’re a real bi-“
“Hey Nat! Long time no see.” Cameron interrupted before Felicity could finish.

Natalia walked up to them and sat in an empty chair. Her long, black hair blew over her shoulders and threatened to get caught in the food.
“You can say the most stupid things sometimes Cam” She said as she pulled her hair back into submission, “I mean, we do go to the same school and we were together last night. Which reminds me, why, exactly, did you kill that reporter? He wasn't doing any harm. And you know how much Ebony hates those murder hunts"
Cameron looked at her then flicked a chip at her.
"Yes and he wasn’t doing any harm yet. Didn't you pay attention last night? That reporter could've turned us over to the police, or worse, the CIA."
Natalia shifted uncomfortably, "Yeah, but still you didn't have to kill him. You should have let Leona wipe his memory, and then he could have lived."
"Who said something about me?”
They turned around to see three people walking over to them. The girl in the middle had heterochromia, causing her to have one chocolate brown eye, and one ice blue eye. Her strawberry-blonde hair was cut short, ending just under her chin. She had a little silver 'L' hanging from a chain around her neck. Natalia smiled,
"Oh, hi Leona, I was just telling Cameron that he should've let you wipe the memory of the reporter last night."
Leona frowned,
"That's not my area of expertise. James could have done that, but he was too busy hanging on for dear life on the back of Gul Kaden last night anyway. Oh, BTW, Jason, can you thank Gul Kaden for us for letting us ride him? He only trusts the Air Alchemist, which is, duh, you."
Felicity glowered and hissed, “Keep your voice down loudmouth.”
Ignoring Felicity, Jason nodded and James ran his hand through his long, messy red hair, muttering,
"Yeah, Leona, don't ever make me do that again. Is the dragon’s name Gul Kaden?"
The others laughed. The girl who had been standing next to James started twirling her silver-black hair through her fingers.
"Isn't anyone going to compliment on my awesome shadow bending last night?"
Felicity rolled her eyes,
"Candise, everyone knows how fast your developing your powers, but we're not going to compliment you. We have too much already."
Candise pouted and stole a potato scallop before sulking off to a table by herself.
James cocked his head to the side, "She'll be back."

Natalia suddenly jumped to her feet.
'I know where we can have some fun! While I was out swimming this morning, I found a cave which will be perfect for practising our powers. Let's go there now!"
Felicity shrugged.
"Sure, I'm in. But what about Damon and Ebony?"
"I already texted them. They will meet us there. C'mon, we're wasting time!"
The others followed as a very hyperactive Natalia ran down to the water's edge and into the lake. The seven teenagers swam down a narrow stream at the corner of the lake. The current picked them up and carried them further downstream. Felicity struggled to keep her head above the water. Natalia laughed and waved her hand. Immedialty, Felicity stopped struggling and floated on top of the water like driftwood. The others also floated. Natalia crossed her legs beneath her, her ankles only just in the water. Natalia rotated her aloft hand. The natural flow of the water altered and carried them in a different direction.

Felicity choked up water,
"Nat, Y-you are a bitch. You know how much I hate water, it's my polar opposite, yet you continually push us into it. And Cameron, you’re supposed to by my boyfriend, so support me."
Cameron floated over and light-heartedly shoved her shoulder,
"Lighten up Fel. Nat was just err.... helping us out?" Cameron looked at the others for support. Candise nodded slightly,
"Hey Nat, where are we going?" She was still chewing on a slightly soggy potato scallop. Jason and James rolled their eyes and Jason flicked water at Candise,
"Well, if you didn't go off in a hissy fit, you would know where we are going."
Candise pouted and James wrapped his arms around Candise.
"Aww you were just being really cute. I understand if you didn't notice."
Natalia made a gagging sound and flicked her finger, causing a jet of stream water to squirt into James's face. He spluttered and tried to rid his face of a leech which had been caught in the jet. Leona made a sound similar to a newborn piglet as a school of brightly coloured Catfish swam underneath her. She turned to Natalia and whined,
"Please tell me there is another way to this cave, I’m not so good with fish."
Natalia thought for a moment,
"Well, there is an underwater entrance to the cave and it would cut at least 20 minutes off the time it takes to get there but...." Her eyes glinted mischievously.
Felicity growled,
"Oh no. No no no no no no not happening. Don't you dare drop me into the water or I swear I will..." Natalia winked and dropped her hand.

Immedialty, they all fell back into the river. Natalia then created another artificial current which swept them down under the water. Felicity struggled and fought the water pressing on her. Jason looked at Natalia and scowled. He cupped his hands around his mouth and blew. A bubble formed between his hands as he blew it up like a balloon. He then held the bubble like a ball and pushed it onto Felicity's head. Felicity gulped in air. She seemed fascinated by the bubble. Jason made six other air bubbles for the others. Felicity poked the bubble. Typically, it popped. Felicity wasn't ready for the onslaught of water and she breathed in water instead of air. She panicked and swam upwards toward the surface of the water. They were now directly underneath the cave. Felicity burst through the surface. She climbed out of the water and lay on her back. She stopped breathing. The others followed her and Candise tried waking Felicity. Natalia knelt beside Candise and lifted her hand, dragging all the water Felicity had swallowed out of her lungs as she did so. Felicity opened her eyes and choked on air. She suddenly gave Natalia the finger and stood up. She raised her own hand above her head. Scarlet flames appeared from nowhere and snaked around Felicity. Her eyes sparkled with fury as the flames compacted into a ball and she threw it at Natalia, who dove for cover behind Cameron, James and Candise. Felicity threw two more handfuls of fire at Natalia, narrowly missing Jason and Leona in the process. Felicity screamed like a slaughtered pig.

"Cameron! Stop her!" Leona shrieked.
"What do you want me to do?!" Cameron yelled as Felicity melted a stone near his foot.
"I don't know! Freeze her blood! Control her arms! Just do it now!" Leona screeched from behind a rock. Cameron avoided another jet of flame and grabbed Felicity's shoulder. She froze, the fire she was controlling falling to the ground, relatively harmless. Felicity's eyes glazed over and her body crumpled beneath her. Cameron looked at her sadly. Jason put his hand on Cameron's shoulder.
"She'll be all right. Come on; leave her there for a while."
Last edited by SerenityCross on Sun Oct 02, 2011 7:05 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Hey Serenity, I'm back! This time coming to you live from the floor of my living room. Now isn't that exciting?! (No, not really, I know.)

So, this is still working for me. Again, I like the way that we're just there in the story, and you're not making it a huge dramatic lead-up or "Oooo, look, they've got POWERS!" fest. The entire atmosphere has this summeryvibe to me for reasons I can't figure out completely... it's just all sort of happening, chill and all cool. Considering how usually, at this point, I'd be getting meaty paragraphs describing how all this works, I'm really, really liking your more minimalistic approach.

I think I've got two main comments for this chapter otherwise, and they might be related but I'm not sure yet. Okay, they are related. The first comment is that after the first paragraph, Felicity more or less drops out of the picture! She's the viewpoint character, but we're not getting her perspective on anything. How does she react to the water getting poured over Jason? What does she think about all these characters? Is she mad, angry, laughing, bored, what? I want to know!

The second problem is that you introduce a whole lot of characters. I have a grasp on Felicity, Jason, and Cameron since they were in the last chapter, but you introduce four new ones here, and it's a bit of an overload. I think you can kill two birds with one stone, though, by building up Felicity's perspective on things. That'd keep all the names from just being names, because Felicity has opinions and ideas who each of these people are.

Did that make sense? It feels like that didn't make any sense.

To put it another way, we go from name to name and never get a good chance to get a handle on any particular character. So, if you slow it down some and work in more details--and add in Felicity's perspective on events, what she's thinking and doing as this all goes on, it'll do you and the reader all sorts of favors. So, try that. :D

I think that's it for now. Still looking forward to the next chapters, I am. Let me know if you have any questions (any questions at all)!

Rach
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This chapter was great and revealed so much mystery that eluded my mind. I find that each chapter gets greater and greater.




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Chapter Two: Food By the lakeside
Technically, I think it’s “Food by the Lakeside”

Felicity, Cameron comma and Jason left the school and headed to the local take-out shop which was located on the lakeside. Felicity ordered the food and followed the boys out to a table overlooking the lake.
"Yum. Hotdogs are my favorite food." Jason smiled. He was just about to take a bite out of it when a ton of water appeared from nowhere and emptied itself on Felicity.
"What the fuck?!" Felicity spluttered and coughed. Cameron and Jason turned to the sound of a girl bawling with laughter. Felicity looked angrily at the girl. Instead of ‘looked angrily’, you can make this a lot more vivid by saying something like ‘Flames were in her eyes as she glared down her aggressor’
"Natalia comma has anyone ever told you you're a real bi-"
"Hey comma Nat! Long time no see." Cameron interrupted before Felicity could finish.

Natalia walked (sauntered) up to them and sat in an empty chair. Her long, black hair blew over her shoulders and threatened to get caught in the food. I really like these two lines.
"You can say the most stupid things sometimes comma Cam comma"She lowercase she said as she pulled her hair back into submission, "I mean, we do go to the same school and we were together last night. Which reminds me, why did you attack that reporter? He wasn't doing any harm." Cameron looked at her then flicked a chip at her.
"Yet. Didn't you pay attention last night? That reporter could've turned us over to the police, or worse, the CIA." Natalia shifted uncomfortably,
"Yeah, but you didn't have to freak him out like that. You should have let Leona wipe his memory."
"Who said something about me?"
They turned around to see three people walking over to them. The girl in the middle had heterochromia, causing her to have one chocolate brown eye, and one ice blue eye. Her strawberry-blonde hair was cut short, ending just under her chin. She had a little silver 'L' hanging from a chain around her neck. Natalia smiled,
"Oh, hi Leona, I was just telling Cameron that he should've let you wipe the memory of the reporter last night." Leona frowned,
"That's not my area of expertise. James could have done that, but he was too busy hanging on for dear life on the back of Gul Kaden last night anyway."
James ran his hand through his long, messy red hair.
"Yeah, Leona, don't ever make me do that again." The others laughed. The girl who had been standing next to James started twirling her silver-black hair through her fingers.
"Isn't anyone going to compliment on my awesome shadow bending last night?"
Felicity rolled her eyes,
"Candise, everyone knows how fast your you’re developing your powers, but we're not going to compliment you. We have too much already." Candise pouted and stole a potato scallop before sulking off to a table by herself. James cocked his head to the side
"She'll be back."

Natalia suddenly jumped from her feet.
'I know where we can have some fun! While I was out swimming this morning, I found a cave which will be perfect for practising practicing our powers. Let's go there now!" Felicity shrugged.
"Sure, I'm in. But what about Damon and Ebony?"
"I already texted them. They will meet us there. C'mon, we're wasting time!"
The others followed a very hyperactive Natalia down to the water's edge and into the lake.



I enjoyed this chapter as well x) There were a few grammar mistakes, but if you edit this you’ll be golden!

I’m kind of wondering how old these characters are. Are they all in the same grade or what? For some reason, it felt like James was older, but that might just be me.

For the most part, you’re doing a good job at keeping up with creating the characters. From Felicity’s comment to Natalia about her dousing them in water, I get the feeling that they have the typical ‘fire VS water’ competitiveness about them. James seems like a cool guy from what you told us about his mussed up red hair. And Candice seems a bit childish from her sulking, but no doubt very talented at her magic skills, or whatever you want to call them. I already know Felicity from the previous chapter. I’m not too sure what to think about the other characters yet, but I’m keeping up.

So keep up the good work and let me know if you have any questions I’ll be glad to offer my advice x)
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