Nightling's Necklace, Chapter One

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I slam the large wooden door with a franticness I've never experienced before. I grab the lantern and try to light it, but it takes me three tries because my hands are shaking so hard. As soon as I see it light, I take off running down the road, the lantern swinging crazily in front of me.

"Drew! Drew!" I call frantically. "Drew!"

No answer... nothing. I grow more and more suffocated, more nervous the more I call his name, the less I hear back. I keep running, but with every step, the street seems to get longer and longer.

"Ara!" I hear a voice say. Ember. She's standing at the corner of the sidewalk, barely in the moonlight. I hope she's not feeling talkative. I pull on my side bangs a little, knowing I shouldn't be annoyed just at the sight of her.

"What, Ember?" I demand. "I'm in a hurry."

She holds up a flashlight. "I'm coming with you," she says.

"Ok, well, we need to hurry," I say urgently. "We're already wasting time."

She nods and glances at her watch. I see her eyes grow wide, but before she can even gasp or say anything, I've taken off.

"Oh, Drew..." I breathe. I begin to call his name again just to no reply.

I see the moonlight reflecting off of the windows into my eyes, making it harder to see, harder to run. I have to ignore it. It's just another distraction keeping me from helping Drew. The little brick buildings streak by, some of the signs swinging with the breeze created by my speed. I continue to run, tirelessly, as I will until I find him, or until I burst.

The road dead-ends like a cul-de-sac, the buildings stretching around it almost like cage bars. The buildings are taller now, and they seem to loom above me, now an impediment. But I keep running at the fence. The latch is broken, and I remember how Drew always got it open. I kicked it repeatedly until it swung open, and some rust fell off of it onto the ground. I run through the opened gate, suddenly coming to a stop. I shake a little with the memories that flood me, the most prominent being the one where I got my nickname, Bear. He'd called me that, thinking it'd annoy me, but when I told him it's better than Arabella, it stuck. He was the only one who still called me Bear. I stand there, tug on my bangs, will myself to see if he's here. He should be, anyway.

"Drew!" I call. "Drew!"

No reply. I continue running, growing a little more worried with each step. Another fence stops me, keeps me from Drew. I lift my lantern, remember how high it is. Too high to jump quickly, and anyway, I wouldn't be able to hold myself up, I'm shaking so much. I find a bobby pin, pull it out of my hair, pick the lock. I've been doing it for years now, and it's become so easy I can normally do it in seconds. But this time it takes me so long to get the pin into the lock. I tug my bangs and keep trying until I finally manage, and it's just like before.

I burst out of the alley, and look back to see cautious Ember not even halfway through the long alley. I nearly rip out my bangs from tugging them so much and force myself to calmly tell her that I'll take it from there. I turn around again, walk up to the edge of the forest. The forest that the moonlight barely breaches, the forest that looks like a black wall, daring me to come inside, look there for Drew. It suffocates me a little, and the very forest that looks so open and welcoming and warm in the day looks sinister, cold, and threatening in the dark. I make myself calm down a little enough just to be able to breathe a little and force myself to take the small steps forward, closing up the space between me and the great, black wall.

Once I'm in the forest, I take off at a run, the small bit of light from the lantern barely keeping me from tripping on the ice, the frozen, bare undergrowth, the snowy stumps. The path seems endless, bumpy, impossible. I can't stop now. I call his name, yet again.

"Drew!" I yell.

This time around, I hear a reply.

"B... Bear?" It's a faint voice, but loud enough for me to hear.

"Drew! Where are you?" My feet freeze in place, and I contort myself, swinging the lantern in circles, the light dancing everywhere. Suddenly, I can't breathe, whether if it's relief from hearing his living voice, or fear that it'll just fall silent. "Drew?"

It takes a while for him to reply, and the longer it takes, the more I feel like I've been stabbed.

"Over... here. Over here." I can hear his voice growing stronger, more clear. Still, it hurts me to think that he was ever sounding so incredibly small and helpless. "Bear... follow my voice."

But it's so strangely weak. "Ok," I say. I can't argue. Not here, not now. A determination comes over me, and I step quickly, silently toward the direction I think his voice came from.

I can hear him saying his nickname for me over and over again. "Bear... Bear... Bear..." All I can do is follow it, but I feel desperate to do more as I step over the logs and stumps and ice until I find him.

He is sitting with one leg stretched out, leaning against a tree stump. When he sees me step into the tiny clearing, I see a small smile cross his face. "Bear," is all he says.

No matter what happens, I have to focus on that smile, or I'll bug out and burst.

"Hey, Drew." I say, stepping closer, trying to be casual, to wipe that pained grimace off his face. I'm fine with that first, and then I see he leg. It's bent in a horrible position, contorted, and a little bloody. "What happened?" I ask, trying to be calm. But it makes my heart pound, all of me rise into my throat and clump up there in a huge knot. I can no longer breathe, and tears come to my eyes, seeing my best friend so hurt.

"Um, long story. I can't walk, and I think it's broken," he says with another grimace.

"How long have you been out here?" My voice wavers, and I am so surprised at the casualness in his voice.

"I sort of lost track of time. I tried to call you and tell you where I was. But you didn't answer," Drew tells me.

I should never have turned my phone off. I feel horrible, like it's all my fault. I tug my bangs again, this time for a little punishment.

"So I called Ember. She was so freaked out. I tried to call you again, but I got a busy signal and then my battery died," he says.

"Oh, my God."

I call the paramedics. They arrive quickly and take Drew away on a stretcher. I finally bug out at the sight of him being carried away into a giant truck with all those needles, overly bright lights, and strange liquids inside. I didn't want them to stick him with anything. I collapsed on another stump, started to hyperventilate. One of the paramedics has to stay behind, calm me down. It takes a while, but I finally stop breathing so hard, I force myself to calm down. He leaves me alone there.


When I am ready, I walk back home with the moon and my lantern as my guide. I continually trip over leafless vines that made their way above the snow. Suddenly, my fatigue manages to wash over me. My shoulders sag, and my eyelids droop. It becomes harder to navigate my way through the woods. I wonder if I'm going the wrong way. All of this is coming over me until I see a tiny glint in the snow. At first I figure it's just snow, but it's a little too big of a glimmer to be a few snowflakes. So, I stumble over to see just what this little glimmer is.

I bend over to pick it up. It's a small necklace with a red pendant in the shape of an hourglass. There seems to be something inside, and, for some reason, it looks like it's flowing up. Like there's a never-ending source of whatever is inside and there is always more room at the top. Bronze vines wrap its way around the little red hourglass. The more I look at it, the less I want to put it down. It seems to fit me perfectly- the perfect length, the perfect size... I want to keep it. More than I've wanted to keep something in quite a long time. I pocket it and grasp it with my gloved hand in my pocket all the way home.

Walking alone in the woods at night seems more eerie than it did just before. The trees loom over me. I adjust my coat like it will help and force myself to continue. No way am I staying here all night, especially with how tired I am. So, I drag my feet home, unable to jump fences again. I am just relieved that Drew will be okay.

When I get home, I hang the lantern up outside the door again. I check on the shop, make sure it's empty. All the lights are off, my brother's rag is left on the counter. I put it away and head upstairs to our little loft.

Walking down the hall, my brother gets in my way. "You're so late, Arabella! It's midnight!" he says.

"Don't call me that. I was out possibly saving Drew's life," I say flatly, too tired to argue further.

"You really worried us. Especially mom, with the way you ran off like that."

"Well, sorry, Ryan, but I had to go. You should have heard Ember, and you know Drew's my best friend," I say. "I"m going to bed."

"Well, fine, just don't do it again," Ryan tells me. His blond hair glints in the moonlight, seems to shimmer as he moves out of my way.

"Sheesh..."

I trudge down the hall and plunk on my bed. I take off my beanie, scarf, and gloves and put them on my dresser. I hang my grey coat on the coat rack and just shove my boots in the closet. I throw on a large teeshirt and some sweatpants and just go to bed without bothering to shower or brush my hair.

Drew has to be okay, I think. Then I drift off to sleep.
Last edited by HollowPointSmile on Sat Jun 11, 2011 12:43 pm, edited 5 times in total.




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Hai Hollow! Welcome to YWS! My name is Julie and I’ll be your cruise director for today. I also play air drums to Eye of the Tiger. Not as well or as mind-blowingly awesomely as Jensen Ackles, of course, duh, obviously, well hey-eck no, but I try.

You’ve got a good beginning here, nice and punchy and it pulled me in and kept me reading. I didn’t find out much about Ara, or any of your characters, really, or what’s going to happen next, but I guess that’s why Chapter 2 was invented. Your writing was very smooth and easy to read and your grammar was mostly excellent. ^_^


A few points:

I slam the wooden door closed behind me and turn the lantern on with a deftness that I've never experienced before.

...

I come to the dead-end in the little brick road that is my home, and leap over the fence with an unknown grace.


Is there a reason why she’s so cool all of a sudden? She’s deft, she’s graceful... if she’s freaking out about Drew, wouldn’t she be all fingers and thumbs? When I’m freaked out, I’m not deft and graceful; I’m freaking out, dropping stuff and forgetting stuff and singing the Beatles really loud and out of tune. I'm not saying that Arabella has to sing the Beatles really loud and out of tune, but more freakedoutness and less dudeI'msocoolness might be more appropriate.


"Ok," I say. I can't argue. Not here, not now.

...

"Hey, Drew." I say, stepping closer.


The first time you do it right, but the second time is wrong. When you end dialogue with a tag, like he said or she said, you end it with a comma and a small letter. Here you need to fix the full stop to a comma.


I call the paramedics. They arrive quickly and take Drew away on a stretcher. I wonder a little if it's completely necessary, but maybe it is.


Well, she noticed what a mess his leg’s in – why’s she querying the need for people with medical degrees and who know what they’re doing?



My main thoughts after reading this were about paragraphs and pace. Hey cool, alliteration, go me. :) It’s kinder on the eyes if you leave a line between each paragraph and each line of dialogue. Less scary.

Second thought: SLOW DOWN! You go at a very fast pace, and while that’s good (this is a freaking-out scene and all), sometimes you go too fast. Like here:

I slam the wooden door closed behind me and turn the lantern on with a deftness that I've never experienced before. I grab it and take off running down the road so fast I have to hold my hat down to keep from losing it.
"Drew! Drew!" I call frantically. "Drew!"
My cell phone rings again. I whip it out of my pocket with my available hand.
"What?"
"Ara, it's Ember. Hurry up!" Ember's voice is impatient.
"I'm running as fast as I can!" I puff into the phone. I just hang up and shove the phone deep into my jacket pocket, unable to take what I know she's about to say.
"Oh, Drew..." I breathe. I begin to call his name again.
Adrenaline courses through my veins. He could be dead... no. He can't be. I will keep running until I find him alive and well, until my heart stops.
I run so fast my snow boots barely touch the empty brick road. Everyone else is asleep, without a care in the world.
But not me.
I come to the dead-end in the little brick road that is my home, and leap over the fence with an unknown grace. I find myself in the alley, the alley Drew and I used to play in.
"Drew!" I call. Maybe he's here. "Drew!"
No reply. I continue running. This time, the fence is so tall I have to unlatch the lock. It's easy now, after years of doing it. It only takes me a few seconds.
I burst out of the alley, call his name more. I find myself at the wall of the forest that in the daytime looks so welcoming and warm. But all that lights it now is the moon that can only breach the top of the leaves.


From reading this, I know that Ara comes out of her house and into the road and into the forest, but I don’t really see any of this. Add in some description. I want to see the world around Ara through her eyes and ears and nose and fingers and feet and, you know, everything else. She’s like the window that I want to see the story through and you’re the window designer and if you don’t make the window wide and clear and all, I’m not going to be able to see anything through it. Slow down and show us what Ara sees and feels and how she sees and feels it.

K, nuff about windows. :mrgreen:

I hope this helped you! If it didn’t, or if you have any questions (about this or about the site in general), just PM me. Again, welcome to the site and I hope you enjoy it here! :D Don’t forget to read the Rules and make a welcome post so people get to know you. See you around!

-twit
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Here to review as I said I would a few hours ago.
May I say, I skimmed over the other reviewer's review and you did a great job changing your story because of their suggestions. People like that, so keep it mind, but don't follow everyone's advice mindlessly. Keep your own voice.

My review won't be as awesome as the prior reviewer because you've cleaned it up and, from what I can tell, had a great chapter to start with. Have no fear though! I do have some nitpicks. :)

I grab the lantern and try to light it,
She holds up a flashlight.
When I'm reading about the latern, I'm thinking alright pre-battery/electricity era.
Then Ember is standing their with a flashlight, which I assume is battery powered and then there's an ambulence with modern medical equipment...
Basically, you have a small conflict of time periods. A lantern with a flame inside is not a modern day thing. There's actually a specific word for this that I learned in English, but I forgot it.
Really, I'm just taking a long time to tell you: all you have to do is say that it's a battery powered lantern, which exists. My parents have one.


The road dead-ends like a cul-de-sac, the buildings stretching around it almost like cage bars.
Either replace the it with a comma or put a period after around, capitalize and add a 's to the end of it.

The buildings are taller now, and they seem to loom above me, suddenly an impediment. But I keep running at the fence. The latch is broken, and I remember how Drew always got it open. I kicked it repeatedly until it swung open, and some rust fell off of it onto the ground. I run through the opened gate, suddenly coming to a stop.
A little repition here. I have the hardest time with repition. Almost every chapter of my novel, someone finds a word repeated side by side. If I were doing this, I would change the first suddenly to now. Do what you want though.

make myself take the steps in.
This sounds awkward to me because of the steps I think. I would change it to... enter or you could go with something longer like "I make myself close the small distance between myself and the cold barrier of trees."
So that wasn't great, but you get the idea.


the light from it dancing everywhere.
To make this less awkward sounding take out the from it. We understand what light you're talking about.


So that's what I could find. You're off to a great start. You've done what a first chapter needs to do, and you sound really good. Your writing is great.
The last two nitpicks are my opinion. Disregard them if you want.
If you need a review for the second chapter, tell me, and I'll review it. I'll try to make it more helpful than this one.
Megsug
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Hey.
Great story. I think it was great how you've just launched us into the story like that. I can't wait to read more!
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Wow. That's all I can say. That was an amazing beginning. It just yanked me right in and I couldn't stop reading. Grammar, spelling, punctuation, all correct. I found nothing wrong, but I think that was because I was reading so intensely. I really can't wait for the next chapter to come out. So keep the good work and I'll be waiting to see if you can blow me away even more.
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Hi there, sorry this took me a while to get to! Alright so I like this. You have a very easy to read style and I think you build the atmosphere rather well. A couple of nit-picks first:

I slam the large wooden door with a franticness [I'm not sure that this is a word and if it is, it sounds awkward here. Maybe 'feeling of panic' or 'dread'] I've never experienced before. I grab the lantern and try to light it, but it takes me three tries because my hands are shaking so hard. As soon as I see it light, I take off running down the road, the lantern swinging crazily in front of me.

"Oh, Drew..." I breathe. I begin to call his name again just to no reply. [But would sound better than just.]

I see the moonlight reflecting off of the windows into my eyes, [Awkward phrasing. Maybe, 'The moonlight is reflecting off the windows and into my eyes, making...'] making it harder to see, harder to run. I have to ignore it. It's just another distraction keeping me from helping Drew. The little brick buildings streak by, some of the signs swinging with the breeze created by my speed. [I don't think that would actually happen, unless she brushed against them.] I continue to run, tirelessly, as I will until I find him, or until I burst.

The road dead-ends like a cul-de-sac, the buildings stretching around it almost like cage bars. The buildings are taller now, and they seem to loom above me, now an impediment. But I keep running at the fence. The latch is broken, and I remember how Drew always got it open. I kicked it repeatedly until it swung swings open, and some rust fell falls off of it onto the ground. I run through the opened gate, suddenly coming to a stop. I shake a little with the memories that flood me, the most prominent being the one where I got my nickname, Bear. He'd called me that, thinking it'd annoy me, but when I told him it's better than Arabella, it stuck. He was is the only one who still called calls me Bear. I stand there, tug on my bangs, will myself to see if he's here. He should be, anyway.

"Drew! Where are you?" My feet freeze in place, and I contort myself, swinging the lantern in circles, the light dancing everywhere. Suddenly, I can't breathe, whetherif it's relief from hearing his living voice, or fear that it'll just fall silent. "Drew?"

But it's so strangely weak. "Okay," I say. I can't argue. Not here, not now. A determination comes over me, and I step quickly, silently toward the direction I think his voice came from.

"Hey, Drew." I say, stepping closer, trying to be casual, to wipe that pained grimace off his face. I'm fine with that first, and then I see he his leg. It's bent in a horrible position, contorted, and a little bloody. "What happened?" I ask, trying to be calm. But it makes my heart pound, all of me rise into my throat and clump up there in a huge knot. I can no longer breathe, and tears come to my eyes, seeing my best friend so hurt.

I call the paramedics. They arrive quickly and take Drew away on a stretcher. I finally bug out at the sight of him being carried away into a giant truck with all those needles, overly bright lights, and strange liquids inside. I didn't want them to stick him with anything. I collapsed on another stump, started to hyperventilate. One of the paramedics has to stay behind, calm me down. It takes a while, but I finally stop breathing so hard, I force myself to calm down. He leaves me alone there.

Hmmm. It's unlikely that the paramedica wouldn't insist on giving her a lift back. You should have something to explain that at least because they wouldn't just leave a girl in the woods alone.

I don't have much to say about the characterisation or plot at the moment. I was rather disapointed when the modern elements started coming in. Before that I was thinking more along the lines of epic fantasy and mysterious, monster filled woods but then it turned all normal and you lost my attention there. Maybe try to make the modern setting clearer from the beginning so you don't get the reader's hopes up too much. Readers have certain expectation of woods in fantasy novels and while you may lead into some cool stuff later, at the moment I'm a bit let down. Just... make it clear that the house she lives is a modern day brick one with electricity and stuff. Add in some descriptions and things to that affect early on.

A pretty good start though. Send me a pm if you have any questions,

Heather xxx
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The light shines brightest in the darkest places.



I only know that learning to believe in the power of my own words has been the most freeing experience of my life. It has brought me the most light. And isn't that what a poem is? A lantern glowing in the dark.
— Elizabeth Acevedo, The Poet X