The Guardian's Creed Ch.1: A Vision*REVISION*

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Mathias and Corey are practicing at the barrack's training field, despite the nice weather. Corey made a thrust towards Mathias with his Kanar, but Mathias blocked it with his shield. In the same move Mathias pivoted around with his sword and aimed it towards Corey's midsection. “Liesh!” Corey yelled, and a Mathias's sword ran into a barrier. Liesh was the spell for shield. “Of course you would hide behind magic.” Mathias teased.
“I'm a mage-” Corey was beginning to counter before he was cut off.
“Mathias, Corey! What in the Ancients' Name are you doing? Your patrol starts in thirty minutes! Get out there.” The aggravated voice of Sameal came from across the field. Both boys looked at the sundial that was settled in the middle of the field, it was nearly midday, which was when their patrol started. “Yes sir. Sorry sir.” They both said and rushed to the armory. Even though Sameal was Mathias's father did not mean that he was to be lax with him.

Corey and Mathias are both tall. Mathias has black hair and blue eyes while Corey has green eyes and blonde hair. They are both strong for their classes, Corey the mage and Mathias a warrior. Mathias's charisma and Corey's silver tongue have kept them out of trouble for a long time.

In the armory Mathias and Corey change out of sparring leather and into half-armor; which consists of leather battledress with chain-mail along the sides, joints and a few other places. Corey replaced his sparring Kanar with a real one and Mathias replaced his sparring equipment with a longsword and heater shield.

The Kanar is the favored bow of the Halflings, which is built much like a crossbow but along the bow is a blade which is used for close-quarters combat. On Mathias's heater shield is the Iro coat-of-arms; a gryphon in flight with a sword in its talons. All of this is set on the background of the morning horizon.
“Do you think we'll be able to walk and make it in time?” asked Corey.

“We'd better play it safe and take some horses.” Mathias said.

The patrol that the group is tasked with today lies along the border of of the Eternal forests, only a few miles from the nearest human village. The wind is blowing through the trees in such a way that it sounds like music. It is only the beginning of spring and winter still lingers, yet flowers were in bloom and the animals run and play on the forest floor. It was impossible to be outside and not feel alive.


“Took you boys long enough.” Adrian said when they appeared.

“Got caught up in practice.” Mathias said.
Adrian is short for a Halfling her age. She has brown eyes and blonde hair that falls to shoulders that she always keeps tied up. She specializes as a Vanguard and though no one will admit it, she is one of the best fighters her race has ever seen, which is odd for a girl.
“Fighting again like little boys...tsk,tsk.”

“Well yeah, you're no challenge.” Corey said.

“You want to see how true your accusation is?”
Corey was about to say something before Mathias cut him off. “Ladies, ladies calm down, you're both pretty okay? Besides we're on guard duty till evening.”

“It only takes one to keep watch.” Adrian said.
Mathias tried to examine the entire problem and saw no easy way out of it.

“Fine, but if anything bad happens, it's your fault.” Mathias reluctantly spoke.
Mathias continued to watch as Adrian and Corey sparred. Bolts of magic flew and both of the fighters were grunting and thrusting trying to gain the advantage and win. Every now and a day he would look at the pair beneath him. They could use a proper oppoent Mathias thought.
When it seemed as though nothing bad would happen Mathias looked toward Corey and Adrian and spoke mockingly “Come on you fight like women. Show some skill.”

“You could do better?” Corey asked.

“Depends, do you want to get educated on how to be a real warrior?”

"Ha, you crack me up Mathias. Come on down here and we'll see who is truly the student.” Adrian spoke.

“Challenge accepted.” Before Mathias joined in on the fight however he laid traps along the border of their patrol route. If the traps were crossed it would mean someone was coming.
Mathias drew the sword from his waist and strapped his shield onto his left arm. The ground became covered in dust as the now opponent joined in. Thrusts and jabs were countered with shield and magic and despite the three now fighting someone was yet to gain the upper-ground. Adrian threw an overhead swipe at Corey who blocked with magic. Mathias threw a spell at Adrian who ducked to avoid it. “You've got skills, at missing.” Adrian teased.

“You were lucky.” Mathias countered as he blocked an attack from Corey.

“How about both of you ladies stop your bickering and actually try to win.” Corey mocked the other two.

“Ladies you say? Did I not just hear you grunt when I jabbed at you?” Mathias asked.

“When did you ever jab?”

“Oh, now.” He said and jabbed at Corey, who did grunt as he deflected the blow with his defensive gauntlets.

“Think fast.” Adrian said and went to hit Mathias with the pommel of her sword. Before the blow was able to connect Mathias dropped to the ground, unconscious. “It wasn't me.” Adrian said worrily.

“What do you mean it wasn't you? You're the one who hit him.” Corey said.

“He fell before I hit him though."

"You're right. We need to get him to the hospice."

"What do we tell the nurse? We were sparring when we were on patrol"

“We'll make something up.”

Mathias's vision was blurred around the edges. The only thing he saw was a great ruin with bodies running about performing tasks. In the sky was a storm, but it wasn't normal. Lightning is always yellow, but this time it was a red in color. “Hello Halfling.” a voice sounded in Mathias's mind. It was a voice that he had never heard, it sounded as if it were far away, but close, and it was laden with hate. “Do you know why I have brought you here?” The voice spoke again. “No, wh- who are you?” Mathias managed to get out. He did not why, but the stranger's voice filled with dread and made him want to run and hide. “Who am I, you ask? My name is something that an imbecile like you does not deserve to know! Now I will ask you again; Do you know why I have brought you here?”
The scene changed and Mathias ended up in what he thought was a building in the ruin. In front of him were creatures that he had never seen before. The creatures surrounded a pit which had flame and smoke rising from it. One of the things, who he assumed was the leader, began a chant. The words Mathias did not understand, which only went to show that the spell was old, or very, very evil. When the chant began some of the other creatures began turning a crank. After a few seconds a skeleton arose from the pit and was tied to the chains. As the chant continued wisps of different color collided with the skeleton. When they did the skeleton changed, slowly but surely.“Well, no, to be honest.”
“Aaah, then let me explain. I have brought you here to give you a message which you will deliver to your elder. No questions asked.”
“Okay, bu-” Mathias was cut off by a sharp pain in his skull.
“I SAID NO QUESTIONS!!!”
“Okay, okay, no questions.”
“Good. The message is short, so that an idiot like you will not mess it up. Tell your elder that the shadows are returning. And with them come the beasts that should no longer exist. The races' greatest enemies are coming back, and this time we will not fail! If your elder asks why I have shown you this, tell him that they deserve the warning. The resistance that will be shown will be.... entertaining to watch, but futile.”
Before Mathias had the chance to reply the presence left his mind and a great pain remained. Mathias awoke and he saw himself in the medical office. Surrounding him were his parents, one of the nurses, and Corey and Adrian. “I need to speak to Elder Rozen!” was the first words that Mathias said when he woke.
Last edited by matthewmazer on Thu Jun 02, 2011 5:51 pm, edited 3 times in total.
We've all been sorry. We've all been hurt. How we survive is what makes us who we are.
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If you have ever visited my profile you'll know that I was originally writing something very similiar to this called the Cataclsym Chronicles. I was cleaning through my desk one day when I found this and I decided that I would post it here, I'm considering a rewrite. As soon as I have enough points I'll post the next chapters( 1 is done and 2 is almost done). Also a lot of what I wrote in here will be explained later in the story but if you do read it you have to keep a few things mind. Mainly they are that this prologue takes place before the rest of the book( I'm thinking I'll pick up in the present later on in the series). This is also a lot different from my other prologues.
If you're reading this I'm asking if you could look at the CC and tell me which is better. This is also the possible rewrite for it. Much of the storyline is the same but some of the beginnigs, dialogue, and locations are different.
We've all been sorry. We've all been hurt. How we survive is what makes us who we are.
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An alright start. :) My notes going through:

Ah... A paragraph or two of infodump is not a good place to start. Bring us right into the action. Sweep us up and don't let us leave until we're too interested to leave. I'm sure there's a way you can fit all this starting information into later paragraphs where more is going on.

Oh... And a little further on, more telling. A lot more telling. Please show us more than telling us. XD

Why do we have to know their exact height in inches? You could just say tall/short/medium whatever. I think I actually skipped over the exact measurements the first time I saw them, for one very simple reason: I didn't care. All I need to know is the approximate height, if I even need to know that.

"though no one will admit it, she is an excellent fighter and strong with magic." Why won't anyone admit it? If she's good, people are going to acknowledge that, even if it's grudgingly. Even if she's a girl, or she's conceited enough already, at least in private people are going to admit that she's good.

I think I noticed a switch from present tense (speaking) to past tense (spoke). Keep an eye on that.

"Mathias kept watched as Adrian and Corey sparred. Bolts of magic flew and both of the fighters were grunting and thrusting trying to gain the advantage and win." Kept watch. That second sentence is a bit wordy, and... I don't think anybody would try to gain the advantage and lose, so...

"“Challenge accepted.” Before Mathias joined in on the fight however he laid traps along the border of their patrol route. If they were triggered it would mean someone was coming, hopefully." Well, these are by far the worst watch patrols I've ever seen. Would they really be this lax about their duties? If so, why? Has this border of theirs been quiet lately? Is that why they're not even bothering to patrol in terms of walking along this route they've got planned out? They can be irresponsible teenagers if they want, but we should have a reason for why they feel like they can behave this way.

New paragraph every time a new person speaks. In at least one place, there was a bunch of dialogue all jammed together.

"“Oh no.” The Adrian and Corey both gasped... “what do we tell the nurse?”
“We'll make something up.”" Idiots. You were sparring on duty, and it never occurred to you that someone might actually get hurt? You're dumb. XP (Not you, mazer. Just the character's reactions)

I'm a little confused by the setting. Things like the armor and the old stuff make me think medieval-ey, etc. But using words like 'cute' and 'office' and everything make me thing more modern. What kind of world do they live in?

Question. What are the Halflings half of? Are they all really tiny? (No, which I know thanks to the very specific references to their heights :) ). Are they just half human, half blank? Nope, because you make it seem like they're their own race, not really a blend or mixed blood... Does 'half' have anything to do with what they are, or are you simply using a traditional, generic fantasy term without thinking about what it actually means? (I'm guilty of stuff like this, too, by the way. I called the stereotypical tinkerer/mechanic guy 'the Professor' all through the rough draft of my novel before realizing that he wasn't a teacher, he'd never taught anybody, and he really had no right to be called a professor in the first place. ;) ).

This has potential, I think, but I'd like a little more of a connection with your characters. I'm not really thinking that their actions are realistic, and I don't really know much about them as characters. If all you needed was for Matthias to get knocked out so he could have this vision, couldn't you have done that during their first little sparring session in the beginning rather than sticking them into a position where they really weren't supposed to be sparring? Otherwise, couldn't you have just started us out with them already on watch duty? So yeah, that's one thing you can work on. Other than that, more description of their setting, more show and less tell, make sure their dialogue matches with the time period you're going for... Yeah. I think that's all I've got right now. ^^

Keep writing. :)
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)




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1)In my earlier stuff, back before I joined YWS I wrote about halflings. I originaly had them as something like human and some forgotten race, but I changed it to humans/elves (the elves died off centuries ago)
2)Their young, and like some people, their naive and think that nothing they'll do will end up badly.
3)I put Mathias and the other fighting in the beginning for a reason I don't know, just thought it was good.
4)The part about you calling them idiots goes along with with number 2.
5)the info dump I'll try to fix in the edit(probably tomorrow) and, from your opinion, what would help make the characters mor realistic?
6)The halfling heritage is explained later in the story.
We've all been sorry. We've all been hurt. How we survive is what makes us who we are.
{20150529)




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Done with the first edit! What do you think?
We've all been sorry. We've all been hurt. How we survive is what makes us who we are.
{20150529)



You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension: a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You’re moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You’ve just crossed over into… the Twilight Zone.
— Rod Serling