Shards [Chapter 1]

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Helloooo people! Here's the first chapter of a new novel I am starting. Hence, "new". I am rating it as 12+ because of the foul words used here and there, but other than that, I'd give it an E rating.

I really hope you guys all like it, but as I'm a realistic person, I know there will be mistakes and all. So be as honest and harsh on this piece as possible. I welcome all comments :D Let her riiiiiip!

Shards
Chapter One

Opening my front door, I shivered as cold spring air wafted into the house. “May I help you?”

“I do hope so, young man,” the balding elderly replied, “I am searching for Mr. Martin.”

I frowned. “Which one?”

“Hmm.” He scratched his beard. “Vincent Martin, I believe it was.”

“That’s me,” I answered cautiously. What does this old geezer want with me?

“Ah! Very well then. I am here on behalf of The Collector.” With shaky hands, he handed me a grey business card.

“The Collector?” I shoved my hair out of my eyes and read the small print. It wasn’t really indicated what his company was. “You mean the repo guy? He took my mom’s car last week.”

“You misunderstand me. The Collector is an... Investor in things of occult origins.” His black eyes sparkled.

“Occult?” I let out a shaky breath. “Did my grand-mother sell you her tarot cards?”

He shook his head vigorously. “We both know what I was referring to.” He inclined his head forward, scrutinizing me beyond his glasses.

Step away from the creepy dude, my mind urged me. “Look, I’m not interested in anything and I got stuff to do. So if you don’t mind, I-“

His hand shot out, quick as lightning, to grasp my arm. Caught off guard, I started, instantly struggling against his hold. To my disbelief, I couldn’t shake him, despite my numerous tries. “Let me go,” I barked.

“I think not. The Collector wishes to meet you, and so I shall bring you.” He then yanked me out the door and onto the narrow porch, regardless that I was resisting. Or attempting to. What the hell? How can an eighty year old be stronger than a sixteen year old?

Without wasting time, he dragged me along the porch, the slickness of its wet surface aiding me in no way to hold my ground. Shit, this freak really wants to kidnap me? The good news was that I had a brain. And yes, I did know how to use it! Letting myself slide to the side, I hurried to hook a leg and my other arm to a ramp column. Need I say it wasn’t a pleasant position, especially as he attempted to yank me out from there. Fortunately for me, he couldn’t beat gravity.

The old dude, now annoyed, turned and whistled. It was only then I noticed the grey Audi parked in my driveway. The dark figure of a man sat in the driver’s seat. Fuck. I needed to act fast; I couldn’t take on another guy if I had problems with only this one! So I did what I had to; the one technique that had never failed me in all these years.

I dropped like dead weight.

Sure, it wasn’t the most graceful of moves, but it was the last thing somebody expected a teenager to do. It always took people by surprise, and for those few seconds of shock and confusion, they dropped their guards or, in this case, their grip. That was the perfect moment to run for it. And that’s what I did.

How the hell he caught up to me, I’ll never know. But one second I was gripping the door in an effort to close it and the next it was shoved back. Then the old dude grabbed me and threw me to the side. I crashed into the nearby wall, my body smashing the circular mirror hung to it. Falling roughly on my stomach, I was briefly dazed, even more afterwards as I was kicked repeatedly to keep me lying on the floor.

Taking the less painful option, I didn’t try to get back up; I didn't bother to move at all. I just lay there, my eyes closed, as if I were dead. Maybe he would think I was dead and leave me alone. It was worth a try.

I could still feel the aches in my body though. All my body parts felt as though they had caught fire. But the worse was my head. It throbbed nonstop as though something was stabbing into it. That’s when I felt something warm and liquid dripping on me. Blood.

My best guess was that a mirror shard had embedded itself in my skull, which would explain the flow of blood seeping out of my head. But I couldn’t worry about that right then. As much as I didn’t like it, these men had a fish to fry.

But this fishy wasn’t going down without a fight. Moving my hand that was opposite of where the old man stood, I grabbed the mirror piece that was beside it. Then I moved my hand to my side to hide it. I was really hoping they hadn’t seen me grab it, but I couldn’t rely on that alone.

The old man waited for the other one, the driver, to arrive before he stepped away from me. “Check if he’s still alive,” the old man growled.

Ah fuck! If he felt for my pulse, I was done for; they’d finish me off for sure! I needed to distract them. But if I moved while they were looking at me, I’d be giving myself up, and there was no way for me to distract without movement. Besides, I highly doubted any of my neighbours had heard our altercation, so no help from there.

Maybe he’ll be stupid and use his thumb? He’d believe it was his own heart thumping away. Nah. Nobody’s that thick. What else could be done? Perhaps I could temporarily stop my heartbeat. Was that even possible?

However, the time to consider it wasn’t given to me as the driver stepped into the house, his shoes breaking glass into smaller pieces. I forced myself to breathe regularly, as though nothing were wrong, while restricting my movements to the utmost. Then as he leaned down towards me, I stopped all inhalation.

Two warm fingers pressed on my throat. I waited several seconds, expecting a shout of surprise or indignation, a growl, something to be said. I didn't want to, but I was ready to slash out at him with the mirror shard. I was on standby, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

Nothing happened. The driver removed his fingers and hissed out, “He’s dead!”

“Geez. He certainly would have been useless to The Collector if he was this weak.”

“That’s not what matters! You killed him, you idiot! ...You know the penalty for failure.” Despite him being the driver, I could tell this man wasn’t slave to the other one. Who in their right mind would insult their boss?

“I care not,” the older man said, a slight quiver in his voice saying otherwise.

“Get in the car!” the driver ordered. Without a word, the older one fled. The driver stood, looming over my limp body. “Be glad my allegiance is not to The Collector, boy. Death is infinitely sweeter than a lifetime in his service, and so I will grant you mercy. Die well.” And with that, he left.

Die well?! I don’t wanna die! My eyes flew open and I blinked from the sudden brightness of the outdoors. I waited for the men to come back, thinking maybe they were just toying with me. Instead, the car engine roared to life and the tires screeched as the vehicle pulled out of the driveway and down the street in a rush of speed.

They’re gone. Now get up! However, despite my earlier thoughts that I could bolt, I was as effective as a dead body. My head throbbed uncontrollably and my body was sore from exertion and being jerked around. Yet if I didn’t move, I’d die from blood loss. I’d already lost so much and could feel myself inching closer to death. Come on! Just crawl to the phone and call an ambulance, I ordered my body. Slowly, I slid my arms underneath myself, doing my damndest to ignore the slivers of glass biting into my skin. Using my forearms as anchors, I heaved the lower half of my body forward.

Barely had I moved that my arms fell out from under me. The pain in my body was becoming too intense; I didn’t even have the strength to move. Unwanted tears sprang into my eyes. I’m going to die, the clear part of my brain acknowledged. I won’t see mom or Mimi anymore. I can’t leave them! Fuck!

My survival instincts kicked in. “Help! Please!” I attempted to scream, succeeding only in gasping out the words. Nobody’s going to hear. Oh God! I had never prayed before but I could make an exception for this. Just heal my head; just stop the blood from comin’ out. Please! I don’t wanna die, God!

Seconds passed without any change. My vision became foggier, my hearing barely perceiving a sound. Soon after practically all my senses were dulled. God must be busy, I thought as everything went black.
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Aw man, would you believe I am doing this from my ipod?

Suz, my brain feels so heavy and I'm tired, so I didn't notice any mistakes. I just wanted to tell you how great I thought this chappy was.

You've managed to give us info about the mc without seeming to: it flowed effortlessly from your words to my brain. I loved Vincent's thoughts and, of course, Mimi!! Awww.

I don't have anything else to add, thank you for letting me bully you into this :)

Love you and I'm proud of you.
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Hello Suz!

Here to review, although I have to say, I really didn't find anything alarming. Except for the fact that it was totally awesome! Sure, you have a potty writer's mouth, but I don't care. It added...authenticity to the piece. I could almost feel the blows raining down on Vincent and his desperation to live. I think my favorite part was when he became "dead weight", haha! I starting laughing, because that's something I could picture myself doing and that I actually do whenever my dad, cousins, or brother starts "attacking" me with a tickle session.

Here's a few nitpicks, just in case you were worrying I wouldn't find any. Haha.
“I do hope so, young man,” the balding elderly replied, “I am searching for Mr. Martin.”
I think you might want to add a "man" in there after elderly. Elderly usually refers to either age or a group of old people.
It wasn’t really indicated what his company was.
If "it" refers to the card, I was slightly confused with the verb. Should be "didn't" instead of "wasn't", but if "it" doesn't refer to the card, then just ignore this.
The Collector is an... Investor in things of occult origins.
I think that Investor should not be capitalized. I think. I'm not sure. And maybe take away the space after the ellipses.
That's all!

I'm glad you sent us this link. It was a fun read and I can't wait to read the next chapter, so definitely PM or otherwise notify me when you do. :) I like it.

Happy Writing!
Bailey
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all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux




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Hey Suz, here I am for a review!

Okay, so first off I think this rating should actually be at least 16+, if not 18, due to the multiple uses of the f-bomb...in movie ratings, PG-13 movies only allow one use, and you've got three in here.

Bailey got a couple of the nitpicks that I was going to mention, so I won't repeat them.

What the hell? How can an eighty year old be stronger than a sixteen year old?


This sounds a little bogged-down with all of the "year-olds," especially when it's a young person thinking during a stressful moment. I'd expect the thoughts to sound a little more...fragmented, and just not so grammatically correct, you know?

Another thing I noticed was that he didn't try yelling for help while the guy's dragging him away. Wouldn't that be a natural reaction along with trying to struggle away?

I like the fact that they thought he was dead; is this some kind of special ability that he has to simulate death? Or was it just because his pulse was so weak that the man couldn't feel it? Either way, I wasn't expecting it.

Okay, so that's all I have to say, which isn't much; I had to really search to find anything to nitpick. Let me know when you post more! :D
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Yes! You've posted!

Let's get through a few nitpicks first ;)

Step away from the creepy dude, my mind urged me.

It would be much more effective, I think, to show Vincent actually moving away from the guy. This is an action scene

Die well?! I don’t wanna die! My eyes flew open and I blinked from the sudden brightness of the outdoors.

I thought he was in the house still?

Alright, the biggest issue I had with this was the lack of physical descriptions. When I was reading, I wasn't able to get a good sense of what Vincent looked like, what their location looked like, and all I knew of the old guy was that he was an old guy. An info-dump of physical description isn't necessary, but the reader should get some sense of what the characters look like or else they just become floating heads that aren't memorable and who the reader can't identify as easily with.

Just a few details scattered through is perfect. It'll be easy to describe the old guy; is he wearing anything that stands out? Is there something unique about his appearance? Does he have an interesting odor? Same with Vincent. Give us details about him that set him apart from the average sixteen year old boy. Same with wherever they are (assuming a house, but I don't know if it's a neighborhood or out in the country or in the city or what).

Also, I'd like to see the fight scene amp up the action. Or at least get a bit more description. As it is now, I was surprised at how injured Vincent was. It wasn't made to seem like anything hurt him that much until the mirror, but I wasn't aware that hitting the mirror had hurt him that much either until he was bleeding out. Don't be afraid of being a little gory (not too gory, though ;) haha) with it. If it's serious business, make it look that way.

I really enjoyed reading this chapter! It's an interesting start, and I'm excited to see where it goes! The intrigue you brought in by the old guy talking so subtly yet plainly about The Collector was great, and perfect for creating suspicion and interest without giving too much away. I can't wait to find out more!

Great job and keep writing! :D

-Lauren-
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So, I'll start off by first saying the title and the description got me curious. Now I'll cut to the chase and say I review by finding issues first, then tell you what makes it good. Yeah.

" “I do hope so, young man,” the balding elderly replied, “I am searching for Mr. Martin.” "

Elderly is an adjective. It is not a noun. There needs to be a noun in that sentence.

" “You misunderstand me. The Collector is an... Investor in things of occult origins.” His black eyes sparkled.

“Occult?” I let out a shaky breath. “Did my grand-mother sell you her tarot cards?” "

After an ellipsis there need not be a space or a capital letter, if I remember correctly. And 'grandmother' is one word.

" Without wasting time, he dragged me along the porch, the slickness of its wet surface aiding me in no way to hold my ground. "

It should probably be: the wet surface in no way aided me in my attempt to hold by ground. It reads better, I think.

Anyway, it was interesting so far. I noticed a few other things, which confuse me, however. See, the guy told him to "die well", right? But didn't he think he was dead?
Did he lie?
If so, why?
And I understand him stopping his breath, but that has nothing to do with heart rate.

I did like the character, though. I'm not too sympathetic towards him yet, but I want to know what happens to him, or just what happens, which is good.

I forget my last point, but I need to quote someone:

"The road to Hell is paved in adverbs." -Stephen King.

So...try to avoid so many adverbs and adjectives, all right? I mean, adjectives are fine, but use them when you need them. And if you have to use an adverb, try to find a stronger verb. Just some suggestions.
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Suussssiiiiieee! I'm here at last. (:

Righto! The first thing that hits me right in the face is your beginning. We're straight into the action, which is good for my impatient side, not so good for the side of me which easily gets confused (the biggest side). It seems to be mostly dialogue here. Could you not describe how the old man looks like? Rewind a fracture of a second to the knocking on the door rather than the sudden interaction between the two characters?

Because of how suddenly the story starts, I don't really feel like I know your MC too well. He sounds sarcastic and easily freaked out, that much I can tell about him. But I don't feel like he's a person, y'know? So when the old man grabs him and tries to drag him away from his house, I'm not really too bothered. The sudden action would be okay if we weren't forced into it. Maybe give us a little paragraph or something at the start, setting up the tension. As creepy as the dialogue may be, that on its own won't give you the suspense you're looking for.

Okay, so that's my thoughts on the beginning. :L

“The Collector?” I shoved my hair out of my eyes and read the small print. It wasn’t really indicated what his company was. “You mean the repo guy? He took my mom’s car last week.”

I love this. (:

Wow, so I've just read the rest in one go. (: Very good. Loved the action, the mysteries already cropping up. Did that guy really think he was dead or was he covering for him? Who's the Collector? What'll happen to your MC next? He bled a lot for a head wound, too. Did he sliced in the neck?

So many questions!

It definitely improved from the start. ^^ Can't wait for the next chapter.

~Emma
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Hi! I thought the dialogue in the beginning was great. It flowed naturally, and i like how you didn't have to say 'said,' yet i knew who was speaking. (This becomes more difficult when there are three or more people obviously)

“You misunderstand me. The Collector is an... Investor in things of occult origins.” His black eyes sparkled.


I like how you didn't have to mention how he said it, yet we get an impresson of how he said it with the ....

He shook his head vigorously. “We both know what I was referring to.” He inclined his head forward, scrutinizing me beyond his glasses.


I think you've used the pronoun too much here, perhaps if you were to say, 'He shook his head vigorously and said, 'We both know what i was referring to,' inclining his head forward and scrutinizing me beyond his glasses.'

despite my numerous tries


I don't know why but it doens't seem right, maybe if you wrote 'to no avail,' or 'despite my numerous attempts.'

He then yanked me out the door and onto the narrow porch, regardless that I was resisting.


It might just be me but that sentece seemed a little off.

It's mostly just little things but other than that, I enjoyed this very much. You have very personal sort of voice (probably because you're writting in first person) which is easy to read and very involving. The action was, excuse my expression, totally kick ass and i love how, towards the end when he's near death, the mood is still a little light. The 'God must be busy,' part is genious! I'm looking forward to reading more!!!




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Heya, Suz! :)

I'm so, so, so, so, so, so, so e.t.c. sorry I haven't gotten to this sooner. I got the mass PM, planned on reviewing this, then completely forgot about it. There's no excuse, I know. Please don't be scared to ask me again though if I don't get back to you in over three days because I do often forget about things. So yeah, if I don't get back to you on something, don't feel scared to PM me again or something.

Because of my lateness, I don't think I'm going to be much help because you've already got some lovely reviews. Nonetheless, I'm going to try my hardest to try and help you out, even if it means being overly picky. I apologise in advance if I repeat anything that's already been said.

Okay, the first critique I have for you is the introduction of this. I don't know if it's just me, but right now, this doesn't 100% feel like a beginning of a novel. It kind of feels like this is the second half of the first chapter or something. Let's take the very first sentence for example. Okay, so your MC walks into his house to find some random old guy, so Vincent casually asks him who he is? If I were him, I would have freaked out if there was some random pensioner in my house. Also, where did Vincent come from? School? Work? Basically, the issue I'm having with the beginning of this is that it feels a bit empty right now. It's a little hard to explain.

Reading over the reviews, I think that Emma may have tapped into this too in some senses. It's true that you kick straight into the action, which generally is a good thing. But... I think you kick into it a bit too quickly. Personally, I'd like to know Vincent at least a little bit. That way, I'll also be ale to sympathise with him later on in the fight scene.

The second critique I have for you is about your descriptions. Not so much your physical descriptions, but your descriptions on emotions and such. I mean, you could maybe do with some more physical descriptions, for reasons I'll mention later on, but I want you to concentrate more on the emotional descriptions. You describe Vincent's pain and how it's making him feel when he's being beaten up well, but when it comes to some of the other areas, the emotional descriptions lack a bit. Having a knowledgeable sister like Tanya, I'm sure you don't think this, but I'll mention it anyway. Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that when writing in a guy's POV, you have to make them "hard". Guys don't have emotions, right? Nooooo. They do. Trust me. My brother always cries when his girlfriends break up with him. It's funny.

I'm not the absolute best to give you advice on this because when I write in a guy's POV, he can often come across as girly. To be honest with you though, who cares if your guy sounds girly? I'd much rather a girly guy with a wonderful and interesting personality than a guyish guy that's just boring. I'm going a bit off track now, but what I'm basically saying is that I want to see you expanding on the emotions in some places. How does Vincent feel when he finds some random pensioner in his house? How does he feel about the fact that there's guy's after him, trying to kidnap him for a man called "The Collector"? I'd be darn freaked.

The only other issue I have is a minor one really. You did explain this a little bit, but wouldn't someone have heard the fight? I assumed they were outside of the house... Were they? Because of that, I obviously assumed that it was all happening outside, in the street. You also mentioned the neighbours in the piece, so that made me assume they were outside even more. As you may be beginning to see, this ties into what I said about the physical description thing.

You don't really describe Vincent's surroundings much, so I can't be confident about where everything is happening exactly. I mean, I was happy enough to believe that your characters were outside, then the mirror came into it... Is there a mirror outside? Or are they not even outside? Where is the mirror exactly? I read over it again, and I now think that the fight scene happens inside... but then again, the one guy comes out of a car, doesn't he? Oh, I don't know. xD As you may be able to guess, lack of physical description causes confusion, especially for easily confusable people like me. To put it simply, I'd suggest that you try describing the scene more and describe the actions clearer.

Although it may not seem like it, I genuinely liked this a lot, Susie. You see, I have a thing for violence and I love torturing characters... so this is right up my street. I have some questions, but that's a good thing really because it makes me curious to read on. This is fantasy as well, right? That makes me even more curious about why Vincent is so special and who "The Collector" is. I can see this plot going many places, so I really applaud you on this.

Sorry for blabbering a bit... I just felt like because I took so long to get to reviewing this, I had to put some decent effort into my review. I hope I've helped you out, at least a little bit. If you have any questions or comments about this review, don't hesitate to let me know. Just PM me or post on my wall.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
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Guys don't have emotions, right? Nooooo. They do. Trust me. My brother always cries when his girlfriends break up with him. It's funny.

Skins? *sighs* You're insane, my friend. In a good way, but still.

And:

You see, I have a thing for violence and I love torturing characters... so this is right up my street
I'm not sure it's only characters you like to torture. hmm...




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Hey there sisinlaw

I'm so sorry about getting to this very late. Honestly, I had all intentions of reviewing this but then I had to take a sort leave from YWS and when I got back there were a pile of requests waiting for me to finish so it's taking me a while to get through them all. Anyway, you probably don't want to hear me talk about excuses, eh? Instead, let me go back to doing what I'm suppose to be doing - reviewing.

So actually, I have a few things that I'd like to talk about first but it's not much. I mean, my review will be pretty short since you've already gotten your nails into some pretty good review already. (I did not read over them, just skimmed so sorry if anything I say might be a repetition of anything before. ^^)

To begin with, the introduction could use some more juice. Right now, starting off with a dialogue can either be good or bad depending on what kind of dialogue it is and how it captures the readers attention. So try to make this one a little more catching, since introductions are quite important - especially when it comes to novels. You want to lasso the readers so they keep coming back for more. The thing with your intro was it jumped into action and occult stuff just like that. As interesting as it may be, I felt a little bit lost. :/
It could just be me however, you could tweak a little or just ignore me. xD I'm tired...give me food. :(

As for the little action scene we had in the middle of this chapter, I thought the middle thoughts between the actions were a bit annoying. Like, I didn't want to really listen to his thoughts on his next action unless it's something clever, interesting or helps the scene in some way.

For the ending, I thought it was weird that they'd just think he was dead just like that unless both those guys were idiots and didn't even attempt checking his pulse to be sure! XD
Maybe the scene could have been a little more realistic - but then again, maybe they're weird characters and doubtfully think that far into things. I know a few people like that too...*sigh*

Overall, this first chapter was pretty good and did introduce some sort of plot, even though it's slightly foggy. I didn't get much characterism from the protagonist but we still have the second chapter for that. ^_^
Hopefully this review helped some, if not - you have permission to punch me...wirelessly. (If that makes sense)
Anyway, I enjoyed reading this and I'm interested in seeing how this plays out and who those guys were and what's going on with the whole occult idea here.

If you have any further questions or anything, just let me know. ^.^

Keep writing,
-Pink
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Awww. Thanks everybody for the reviews! I realize there's a lot not clear, so thanks for the help :D

Just to clear something up. When the driver checks his pulse, he realizes he's not dead. That's why he tells the old guy to leave and talks to Vincent afterwards. He tells Vincent that dying is much better than working for The Collector, so he's going to be merciful and let Vincent die. If the driver had told the old guy that Vincent was alive, they would have kidnapped him.

As for the descriptions, I know they are lacking, they were going to be done more in the next chapters. As for the scenery, I'm going to be adding that soon. I realize that there's a lot missing, so I'll be editing the chapter as per everyone's opinion. If you don't mind, I'd send you all a PM afterwards to review the edited version :3

Again, thanks a lot everyone :D
Spitfire
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Well I just wanted to let you know that I understood what took place with vincint fine, though I had one confused moment that passed quickly when your MC tried to run for it and I didn't realize right away that he had run back into the house. I thought the F-bombs didn't add much to the story, but that's my personal opinion. I only caught one error, and I don't think I saw in anyone else's reviews-
All my body parts felt as though they had caught fire. But the worse was my head. shouldn't it be worst?
You have me hooked- I'll have to read on to see what happens!
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