The Academy: Initiation Chapter One

Spoiler

Okay guys, this isn't terribly long but I will continue the chapter once I see if this is good enough. May need some sever editing on my part. Sorry

Alec awoke to a beam of light shooting across the room, a thief breaking in through a gap in the blinds. Alec sighed; his dreams didn’t usually trouble him. Last night was different, he knew he imagined it. But there were always the rumours of people receiving the dreams before they were selected. To be a mage would be the ultimate curse.
Throwing back the covers, he leapt out of bed ready to seize his Saturday.

Half an hour later, Alec was washed and dressed. He headed down the spiral staircase, whistling a tune. Alec was a happy person, he didn’t think the wars all over the world were a great idea and he was friendly to most people. Hate was a word he mostly never used and he accumulated friends, not enemies.
His parents were already eating their way through their usual toast and coffee.

“Morning you guys, sleep well?” he asked, picking up an orange and beginning to peel it with a knife from the bench. They nodded while munching on through their toast; Alec continued to peel his orange.
A scream pierced the air; Alec whirled round, dropping his orange to look at his mother.

“What’s the matter!?” Alec said worried. She pointed a shaking hand at Alec.

“What did I do?” He said looking down at his shirt, then for the first time that morning he noticed a blue swirl on his palm, a shout of surprise escaped his mouth. He ran from the room at high speed, tears welling up in his eyes.

“What was it dearest?” Alec’s father asked with a soothing voice.

“He has been Chosen” She said, tears pouring down her face. Alec’s father raised a hand to his mouth.


Back in his room Alec threw himself down on the bed, tears flowing. He wasn’t one to cry often but his future had been doomed. He was to spend his life as a Mage, a cursed child given powers most don’t want and forced to attend the Academy to be trained.
He only had one place he could go; his grandmother.

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changes

Alec awoke to a beam of light shooting across the room, a thief breaking in through a gap in the blinds.
(Honestly, the first two times I read this, I thought you meant a literal thief. Maybe revise so it's less confusing?) Alec sighed; his dreams didn’t usually trouble him. Last night was different, he knew he imagined it. But there were always the rumours of people receiving the dreams before they were selected. To be a mage would be the ultimate curse. (Okay, confusion. Dream? What? Mage? What?)
Throwing back the covers, he leapt out of bed, ready to seize his Saturday.

Half an hour later, Alec was washed and dressed. He headed down the spiral staircase, whistling a tune. Alec (by now, you've used Alec four times in two paragraphs. The repetition of his name gets monotonous; I would suggest changing it up occasionally - 'him,' 'the boy,' etc.) was a happy person; he didn’t think the wars all over the world were a great idea and he was friendly to most people. Hate was a word he mostly never used and he accumulated friends, not enemies.
His parents were already eating their way through their usual toast and coffee.

“Morning you guys, sleep well?” he asked, picking up an orange and beginning to peel it with a knife from the bench. They nodded while munching on through their toast; Alec continued to peel his orange.
A scream pierced the air; Alec whirled round, dropping his orange to look at his mother.

“What’s the matter!?” Alec said worried. She pointed a shaking hand at Alec. (Ugh, again. Alec Alec Alec Alec Alec Alec...)

“What did I do?” He said looking down at his shirt, then for the first time that morning he noticed a blue swirl on his palm, a shout of surprise escaped his mouth. He ran from the room at high speed, tears welling up in his eyes. (All I have to say is... um. This seemed a bit childish. I think you could describe this in a much more interesting, mature way.)

“What was it dearest?” Alec’s father asked with a soothing voice.

“He has been Chosen,” she said, (less said, more interesting words. "He has been Chosen!" she cried, etc.) tears pouring down her face. Alec’s father raised a hand to his mouth.

Back in his room Alec threw himself down on the bed, tears flowing. He wasn’t one to cry often but his future had been doomed. He was to spend his life as a Mage, a cursed child given powers most don’t want and forced to attend the Academy to be trained. (Explain more, please. At least enough to stop confusion.)

He only had one place he could go; his grandmother's.

This isn't bad, and it's intriguing. I'm interested in seeing where this goes.

Okay. Some of your confusion would be generated by the fact that its doesn't sound like you've read my prologue. I'll get onto some changes soon. Thanks

This was good, most of the mistakes I found have already been pointed out. As was previously mentioned you need to change some of the words over like Alec for example. Also, be more descriptive. Apart from that the story was good and I look forward to reading more (:

I have, actually, read your prologue. If you take a look, I left you a comment. So the confusion is from someone who's read all of it so far.

Really, you need to change some of this because, wether you know it or not, this is basically The House of Night series only it's Mage's and Witch's instead of vampires. I don't mean to be rude, but I just don't like seeing people take others work. So, I suggest you change some of it up. If not, it's your choice but if it ever gets published you could be accused of plagiarism. Good luck on your future writes.

Hey Wiz, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS[/v]

Alec was a happy person, he didn’t think the wars all over the world were a great idea and he was friendly to most people. Hate was a word he mostly never used and he accumulated friends, not enemies.

Don't tell us this! Show us it as the story goes.

“What did I do?” He said looking down at his shirt,

Small h.

“He has been Chosen” She said,

comma and small s.

Okay.

[b]II. THE MORNING ROUTINE

Oh, it's so exciting. Getting up, getting dressed, having breakfast. You do shake it up a bit but to be honest, it's still the same old thing. This is why starting with a dream can be so dangerous. We do all these things everyday and it's not a very exciting opening to your book. You want to pull us in not tell us about him rolling out of bed!

III. SHOW AND TELL

Okay, I'm sure you've heard this a lot on YWS, but it still stands. Don't tell us about Alec's personality or his actions. Show them to us. If he's whistling, greeting his parents etc. we know he's a happy person. So don't tell us, "Alec is a happy person." Your readers aren't stupid, let us figure things out for ourselves. Show us exactly what is going on in that kitchen, give us the sights and smells and noises and let us tell the story for ourselves.

IV. OVERALL

As I say, you do overcome the clichéd opening a bit, and you definitely get stuck into the plot. Just need a bit of tweaking!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

I noticed several things while reading through this:

1. Your capitalisation of the word "Mage" is a bit incosistent. In the first paragraph, the word 'mage' wasn't capitalised. Yet in last paragraph, it's capitalised. I think you may have overlooked this when typing it. Still thought I'd mention it.

2. I found your paragraphing a tad strange. There's those where you skip a line, then there's those where you start on a new line. Basically most of the last lines in a certain paragraph started with a new line. What's the reason for this, if any? Because at the moment, I can't see one.

3. There's some tiny grammatical mistakes, but the previous reviewers have already gotten to that, so I won't bore you with it again.

4. I got confused with this:

wizkid515 wrote:
“What was it dearest?” Alec’s father asked with a soothing voice.

“He has been Chosen” She said, tears pouring down her face. Alec’s father raised a hand to his mouth.

When I first read it. I thought that when you said that, you meant that Alec's father was talking to him. But that wasn't the case. So may I suggest you add a sentence, something like, "Back in the kitchen". To tell us that's what's happening back in the kitchen, not to Alec.

Other than that, I'd like to see what happens to Alec. Keep writing!