So, now that I've reviewed a piece of yours before this, I'm sure you get my structure. That being said, I will start this off without a hitch ;D.
Nit-Picks:
Seth and I only occasionally came here; we liked to hang out at our houses or the beach instead.
Okay, so, for my first tib-bit towards this piece, I'm going to point out your excessive use of semicolons. I know they look awesome. I use them a lot too. Just that, when you overuse them, the readers start to pick 'em out with their eyes and it takes the focus away from the big picture. Its just like dashes. Beautiful when at random but don't overuse!
“What matters is that you get your butt home as soon as possible before I come and get you myself.”
One word. Static. A writer should fear static dialogue, and in this case, its pretty fuzzy. I see that the aunt is irresponsible, and I understand what you're trying to put across, but what we have here is a line that doesn't feel really... correct. Like, if I were an irresponsible aunt, I wouldn't say something so blatant and random. Maybe I would say 'What matters is that you took off without me knowing again. Get your butt home this instant.' Get yourself into every character. I know its hard but if you keep trying you'll be able to switch skins like a pro.
This is so typical Aunt Stephanie… threatening to come and get me. As if she knows where I am.
Tense jumping. Whether this is technically correct or not, you still jumped and it still looks odd. I would change the second line to 'As if she knew where I was'.
She won’t even let me talk to anyone without doing a full-on background check on them; it gets ridiculous at times.
Right here, you direct the voice straight to the audience or 'reader' in this case. As much as thats cool in diaries, its a little strange for a reader to be addressed and feels odd. Change this to past tense and you'l have golden lines.
He dropped his map and caught my elbow before I could trip.
I think you should give a bit of emotion into this like "I was surprised that he had dropped his map and..." etc. That way it makes it seem more like a noble act then a clumsy move that he had done by mistake which was my first thought towards the line.
“Hey I have to go, I’ll call you back later.” he said into the phone that was placed in between his shoulder and cheek.
Punctuation, punctuation, punctuation. I know its dialogue. I know it seems random and all. But, in all honesty, punctuation is always, always, always necessary. There should be a comma behind the 'Hey' and the comma behind 'go' should be a period. I'm a punctuation Nazi. Its a problem.
“No,” he laughed. “Don’t worry about it. I was just as much an idiot as you were. I really shouldn’t try and multitask; it isn’t my forte.”
A little fuzzy. Fix up the static. I usually only point out twice or thrice mistakes if they are pretty blatant so check em out, kay? If so, you'll get better everyday!
He looked like he was around four years older than me. Aunt Stephanie would probably be upset if she found out that I helped an older man find a store in Cityplace by myself.
Two things. Firstly, when someone rounds up an age, they usually say 'two or three' and if its durastic, 'five'. You never really look at someone and think they look four years older than you. That would be way too random a thought process.
Secondly, I'm not quite sure how old your protagonist is. If she is 18, then four years really isn't much. Trust me, I'm 18 xD. If shes fifteen, I could see that being a problem with any responsible adult. Other than that, its really up to you! Of course, at fifteen, your male would be about 19 if I'm correct, and in any case, I wouldn't specify him as a man. Hell, I hardly specify any male to be a man before they are 30 or older.
“Oh, I was just there.” I told him. He wanted to get to the store that I had just gotten the dress from.
One thing we must always understand as writers is that the reader is a lot smarter than you give them credit for. As a reader, I knew right away which store she has mean't by saying 'I was just there'. You don't have to tell us. We already assume.
If you want to make it known though, you can always slide it in that 'We arrived at the store I had previously scammed my blue dress from' or something of that general sort.
I led him back the way I had just come from and stopped in front of the store.
Here we have some telling. This is a no no when it comes to writing prose. When a reader picks up a book, they want to be shown the characters, plot, setting, everything, whether they admit it or not. A book is like a human body and its flesh is desciption. Its soul is characterization. Its voice is dialogue. Its brain is vocabulary. Its organs are character flaw. Its blood is plot (what keeps it moving of course!) Its heart is the passion you bring. A novel always has heart whether or not its bad because someone took the time to try and completed it. It does not mean they have a full body. Just that they have the startings of life, and theres something really profound in that.
Think about that when you write. Not that you're creating something tangible, but alive and breathing. That you want your creation to be so complete, and so whole that it can flourish and survive without you. That it is capable of breathing without your life-support.
I'm a writer too if you can't tell xD.
He smiled at me, “Elizabeth. Thank you again for all of your help.”
And suddenly I'm biased xD. My names Elizabeth and my biggest pet-peeve is reading a book with a protagonist who has the same name as myself. Not that I don't like your piece! Just that it will be a little harder for me to continue. I'll keep trucking though!
And thats all for that section! Now onto my overall ;D.
Overall:
What a cliff-hanger! I'm actually rather excited to see what happens next. Its almost much too intriguing.
For that, I will give you thumbs up in this section.
Now, the next thing I would like to get at is your fleshing. As I stated prior in my body comparison, description is the flesh of the novel. Without it you have a very pretty skeleton but not a lot of real power and depth. For that, I would say go back and really give this piece what it needs. Mostly, it needs some muscle and tonage ;D.
You also have a very juxtaposing aunt! Shes a worry wart, which is seen as 'overdoing' and yet she sleeps in late which is 'underdoing'. That being said, if you want to keep this for effect, go or it, but character wise, its a little wishy-washy and can be seen by some as bad characterization. It really depends on how you put it across though in later chapters!
That and you need to give this piece a brain. And a voice. Some lines were good, don't get me wrong, but you still have struggles with the static when it comes to the voice you bring. Keep on trucking and soon enough your novel with be thinking ad speaking on its own!
Other than that, I loved it and am excited to review more!
~Dreamwalker
