Tesseract - Chapter 1

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PROLOGUE:

I awoke to a ringing sound of my phone. Half asleep I reached for it, my eyes still closed. I missed, and I felt the light tumbling over. I heard a loud crash when it made contact with the cold floor. Darn. Something like this always happens.. I opened my eyes, irritated, and quickly sat up straight, snatching the phone from the little table. “Yes!?” I nearly yelled irritated, but I fell quiet when I heard the soft voice of the woman on the other side of the phone. “Is this the phone number of Melissa Parker..?” I frowned and nodded, but then realized the women on the phone couldn’t see it. “Y-yes! I’m Melissa Parker! ..Eh.. Can I ask you your name, please?” I heard her giggle, and it annoyed me. “My name is Leia Spring. I’m a lawyer.” I frowned. A.. lawyer..? “As far as we know.. You and a boy called Jason are the only children of Frank Parker. He passed away a couple of weeks ago.”

CHAPTER 1:

I could barely grasp what was happening to me. My ‘good-for-nothing-dad’ left a million to me! The only thing I had to do was put my signature on a few papers, and everything was mine! I had all forgotten about the guy called Jason. I had no siblings. I grinned to myself when I realized my dad hadn’t done anything good in his life, but now he was dead I wanted to kiss him. I looked up at the blue sky and yelled: “Thank you a lot, asshole!” It made me really happy. But a few people looked weird at me. I shrugged. I was on my way to a great life, why should I bother with commoners? I stopped when I saw the old worn down house where I had to be to get my million. “How weird..” I mumbled, and looked at the address again. It was right. I swallowed. Well then.. Here I go. I stepped inside, and was surprised how nice warm it was inside. A young woman stepped towards me, and greeted me happily. “Good morning miss Parker. My name is Leia Spring.” I nodded at her, and she said I had to follow her. I did. We went upstairs, and stepped into an old smelly office. A young, handsome boy and an old man were inside. The woman bowed at me, and then closed the door behind me.

I felt a sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach. Why was I here again? I swallowed and stepped towards the old man. He smiled at me. “Don’t worry, miss Parker. Please sit down.” He nodded at the empty chair next to the guy. I sat down awkwardly, and the guy sent me and disapproving glare. I tried to glare back, but I couldn’t really make it a glare. It was more like an awkward stare.. At his handsome face. The old man coughed, and shook my hand. Then he looked at the guy. “Jason Parker? This is Melissa Parker.” And then at me. “Melissa Parker, this is Jason Parker.” The old man smiled again, but I couldn’t help but notice that he didn’t tell us his own name. The man frowned at our lack of reaction, and said in an explaining voice: “That means you’re siblings.” I jumped up in my chair. “What!? How can that be!? My mom divorced after my dad had..” I slumped back in my chair, “..an affair.. I see.” The brown haired guy - Jason - still sat quietly in his chair. “That makes us half siblings, nothing more.” I looked angrily at him. He was the son of that affair! He had no right to judge me! The old man felt our hate, and quickly continued.

“You might wonder why this place is so worn down.. or rather.. Why you had to come here.” He sighed, a serious expression plastered on his face. I sat up straight. ‘what was the guy talking about!? I was about to get my first million!’ He probably felt my haste, and continued quickly. “It’s because of.. the money.” Yes. I got that much, seriously. Get to the point! “It.. It is all here you see. I’m gonna give it to you right here, right now. Personally.” I frowned. “Eh.. Couldn’t you just put it on our bank account?” He nodded as if he already expected that question. “Yes. That would be more likely. But we can’t let.. Them.. know about this…” I frowned. This smelled fishy, and I was not talking about the smelly office. Who were ‘Them’..? I didn’t ask it, since the man was talking further, his voice hushed, as if the walls had ears. Maybe they had, who knows. “You only have to sign here, kids.” He pushed a few papers over the table. Jason signed them without looking, I needed more time. But the man rushed me. “There’s also a house left to you both. You should check it out soon.” He passed us the address. I looked up. “Eh.. Do we..” I pointed at Jason, “..have to share?” The man smiled. “What you’re gonna do with the money is none of my concern.” And with that the deal was made.
Last edited by aliepalie on Fri Mar 11, 2011 12:42 pm, edited 7 times in total.
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Hi Aliepalie,

I like your story very much. I look forward to seeing it continue. I hope you can handle some of my comments.

1. General feedback
At one moment Melissa is in bed and at the next she's out on the street yelling. It may help the reader if you let them know about this change, for it seems she's still lying in bed and thinking over the matter.

2. Grammar feedback
You need to learn the difference between adverbs and adjectives. Melissa is a young girl. Young is an adjective. She slowly opened her eyes. Slowly is an adverb; it adds something to the verb opened. Irritated is an adjective so she cannot open her eyes irritated, but she can open her eyes irritably. Grammatically this is correct now, but I have never seen eyes open irritably. I can image a person being very irritated, but usually that is noticed by his posture, movements or voice. I suppose you’d want to say that she was very irritated by the noise of the phone and opened her eyes slowly, quickly, nervously or any other appropriate adverb. Look at the sentence ‘she reached wrong’ and find out what’s wrong here.

Best regards, Raoden
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Hey there!
I liked your story very much and is excited to see it continue xD
Keep writing the chapters (:
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Hey, not bad. It really set's up the scene generally agree with the people above me. Raoden is basically correct about everything he says.
A prologue is not needed at all. You can keep it there if you want but it's pointless. It's to short and is basically told in the same way as the rest of it. Also when you have lines of conversation you can separate it. Really helps to make it easier to read just look at any book and see how long conversation is written. It would also be good it you could tighten the whole thing up some things you say are unnecessary and already implied. Remember show not tell!

I reached wrong, and I felt the light tumbling over.
Grammar! there are a lot of grammar problems now that I've gone though it a second time.
when it made contact with
lies like this don't sound good A simple 'hit the floor' would be better.

yelled irritated,
A comma would be good but I'm not the best with punctuation.

Anyway, good job, tell when there is a chapter 3.
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Darn. This always happened

Should it be always happens? I don't know, technically, it could go both ways.
nearly yelled irritated

, after yelled
miss Parker should be Miss Parker
It made me real happy

Real happy is Southern. (I have nothing against Southern people!) Really happy is correct English.
In the prolouge, the lawyer "giggles". People stereotypically think of lawyers as professional tight-panters who look like sullen a lot. If you were trying to break this stereotype, good for you. But it made this lady seem like she was twelve to me. But i don't know where she'll go later in the story, so do what you think it best.
Actually, always do what you think is best, because it's your story, and at the end of the day, when the reviewers have ripped and hacked it to shreds, it'll still be [i]your[i] story, it'll just have less spelling errors.
Can't wait to see where this is going! Always keep writing!
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This is an alright start, but I think there are some things that you could do to make it even better.

"I heard a loud crash when it made contact with the cold floor. ‘Darn. This always happened..’" ... So, does she have a lifetime supply of lamps sitting in her closet? Or does she own some kind of indescructable light-emitting device?

Wouldn't the lawyer have contacted her earlier? Within like a week? I guess I'm not really sure how this stuff works, never having gone through it, but... In general, I think she should probably sound a little more official (with less giggling). Maybe lead into it a little more. Like... "I represent the estate of Frank Parker. As far as we know, bla bla blah. The reason I'm calling is, he passed away." Etc. Etc.

A few grammer/spelling/etc. errors that you should take a look at. Try reading it out loud, and when something doesn't sound right, fix it. Or have someone else read it for you and take a look at the grammer stuff.

Your main character... She seems kind of dumb right now. She's not just going to forget that the lawyer said something about her dad having another kid on the phone, even if she has been left a million dollars. I think you'd have a stronger piece if - instead of having it only sink in there in the office - she tried to struggle through understanding it all at home, before she left to go meet the guy. It could add a big inner conflict, among other things. Should she be grateful to her dad that he's leaving her a million bucks? Or hate him because he never told her that she had a half-brother? Should she go to meet the guy, or stay home out of principal because she doesn't want to see this brother of hers? And then, once she gets there, the silent tension of the room could be extreme, as they both look at each other curiously/angrily/etc. etc. etc. There could be a certain amount of embarrasment/shame there, too, at least on the boy's part. Basically, there's a lot you can do here with emotion and stuff, and delaying her comprehension of who the boy is just pulls us out of that emotion and makes us wonder what took her so long to figure it out.

I liked how the dude didn't give his name, and won't answer all their questions here. Adds suspense, etc... Our first hint that there's more going on here than meets the eye. :)

Basically, a good start, but you need a little work in some areas.
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)




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I really liked this chapter! It get's the reader hooked, and reading to the end. The only thing that caught my eye was this :
‘Them’..?’
I think it should be ' ' Them..?' ' so that you can capure the readers "name", so to speak. Overall, I really liked it and can't wait to read more!

-Titan
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Hi Aliepalie,

A few more comments on the first story
I awoke to a ringing sound of my phone. Half asleep I reached for it, my eyes still closed. I reached wrong, and I felt the light tumbling over. I heard a loud crash when it made contact with the cold floor. ‘Darn. Something like this always happened..’

I reached wrong: better to write 'I missed'
Something like this always happened: better to write: 'happens'

Regards, Raoden
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Hi! :) I really like this story so far! I like the plot (from what I can see) and feel that it has great potential! However, I did find many typos, and some things don't really make sense. I would suggest looking this over as if you're a reader, forgetting all the details of the story, and just asking yourself if it makes sense. Here are just a few nitpicks:

I awoke to a ringing sound of my phone.

I suggest changing this to "the". Otherwise, it doesn't make much sense.
I heard her giggle, and it annoyed me. “My name is Leia Spring. I’m a lawyer.” I frowned. A.. lawyer..? “As far as we know.. You and a boy called Jason are the only children of Frank Parker. He passed away a couple of weeks ago.”

Either this woman is very rude or this doesn't fit here. If she really is a lawyer, wouldn't it be a bit unprofessional for her to giggle that this girl's father just died?
I had all forgotten about the guy called Jason.

This sentence doesn't make sense to me. Consider revising.
I stepped inside, and was surprised how nice warm it was inside.

This doesn't seem to fit. Perhaps you left out a word? "And," maybe?
I felt a sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach.

Maybe you meant "in" instead? It seems to make more sense.
Please sit down.” he nodded

I sat down awkwardly, and the guy sent me and disapproving glare

I think you meant "a".
This is Melissa Parker.” and then

this is Jason Parker.” the old man smiled

I see.” the brown haired guy

Why you had to come here.” he sighed

what was the guy talking about!? I was about to get my first million!’

Is this supposed to be a thought? If so, it should be italicized.
Also, whenever you say "Miss," make sure to capitalize.

Hope this helped! PM me with any questions! :)
"Everything has beauty, just not everyone sees it." -Jen Meyers





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I really like this story! I think this is the first one I've actually gotten into on this site since it takes a lot to get me interested. I can't wait to read more. Keep up the good work :)




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Been meaning to read this story for forever since I've been seeing it update periodically, and Review Day gave me an excuse. Yay!

Interesting premise. This beginning blows by kind of quickly though. I haven't had time to get to know any of the characters (even the main character feels sort of flat and just... there) and I'm sort of left scrambling to figure out how anyone feels about anything. Slow down, take the time to describe the action as it happens. How do Jason and Melissa feel about each other? How do they interact, beyond the first initial shock about finding out about each other? Obviously, Melissa isn't happy about the revelation, but why? How does Jason feel? How on earth did Melissa manage to not hear the lawyer talk about Jason in the prologue?

One thing about the dialogue: Every time a new character speaks, it needs to be bumped down into its own paragraph. As is, we're left with these giant walls of text and the dialogue and who exactly is speaking it get lost very quickly. Half the time, I lost track of the dialogue tags and was confused as to who was talking. Plus, it'll break up some of those gigantic paragraphs and make it a bit easier on the eyes.

Well, onto the next chapter to see what exactly is going to happen, eh?

~GryphonFledgling
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Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.
— Brené Brown