The Cave Between Lands, Chapter One

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My father is dead.

The night he died, his body was brought to our house and thrown upon our doorstep. I heard the door opening, and then a strange, stunned silence. I did not need the soft weeping that followed to know what had happened.

I sit in the field at the end of the village, watching the birds flit about the tree branches. So free. So wretchedly free. I let tears blur my vision, let them trickle down my cheek. I open the letter that had come with my father's body, folded upon his chest, now crumpled and tear-stained. I read it once more:



Dear Residents of the Synder Household,

We are grieved to inform you that Henry Synder died last night along with two others in a fatal cave-in. He was found buried in a pile of rubble. We hope you will fare well in the days to come. His presence will be mourned.

Cordially yours,

Edgar Rudyard
Mayor



I fold the letter back up and place it in my pocket. I am drained of all emotion. Yesterday's events came as such a shock, such a traumatism, that even a day after I cannot fully comprehend what has happened. I follow a black bird as it flutters daintily through the lanky blades of grass, to come at a rest on the branch of a nearby tree. It seems to look at me, and I stare back, unblinking. It cocks its head, then soars off. It evaporates into the darkness of the far-off trees.

I start as I feel a hand on my shoulder. Then I relax. I glance up, locking eyes with her for an instant, before letting them fall to the ground.

"He liked to sing," I say. Why does it sound so empty, so alone? Blood trickles down from the words as they waver and soundlessly die in the air.

I hear the Sorina's slender shadow murmur to me. I listen. Cling to its voice.

"A few years ago, I was in this field." She bends down and takes my hands in hers. I feel my eyes gently pulled upward into her gaze. It is not the first time I truly notice her eyes. Such penetrating blue, so vivid a cerulean chroma. Her voice shakes with suppressed tears, but her willingness to finish the story is tangible. "I heard a voice. It was beautiful: so natural, and so pure, that at first I thought it was the birds. But words were interwoven with the melody, and soon I recognized this. I walked through the field, like I was being drawn to the music. Then I saw your father." I stare at Sorina, willing her forward. She has an adroitness with words that captivates me; her lips flow like the ocean her eyes remind me of. "He was sitting against a tree as he sang. I recognized the song. The Tree's Gift." I nod. I know it. I've heard it only once. It was a wet day. "When he saw me, he stopped. We stared at each other. At last I whispered, 'Keep going.'"

"Did he?" I need to know.

"He did. I wanted the song to go on forever, but all songs must come to an end. This is only another song, another beauty, at its end."

Her blue eyes shine with waves that threaten to splash out. I open my mouth to speak, but find that only a choked sob escapes it. I feel tears on my cheeks, and suddenly I am in Sorina's embrace, and I am squeezing her back, weeping. All of my emotion from the past two days comes down on me at that moment: the shock, the sadness, the resentment. I feel Sorina shaking, and I realize she is crying too. Somehow this consoles me; I close my eyes, letting the sobs slowly subside.



We are walking. A field. Trees. The sun is watching us.

Our mouths utter no word. The silence that fogs the air accumulates between us, forming a transparent wall that I somehow do not want to look through. Foreboding dances along the fragile breeze; I watch it disappear into the distance. Laughing. Jeering. What does it want to tell me?

"You need to...to know something." His words seem to drift slowly across the swaying grass, then echo into the forest far ahead of us. I find my feet come to a halt, and in unison he stops as well.

"I will be gone...three years...for...for work." His words seem halted, melancholy.

"Three years." I repeat. I say something, but my words are blurred as they reach my ears. It is a question. I realize it does not matter, does not make a difference.

"Deep, deep underground," I hear him answer in a choked whisper. I gaze up at him and find his image distorted, misshapen.

I wipe away the tears.

He murmurs something about loving me, and then I am in his embrace. Before I close my eyes, I catch a glimpse of a black bird gliding into the forest.



I remember the cave.

Father took me there once, before he had to leave. I can picture it vividly in my mind, the gaping hole of an entrance, the utter tenebrosity that lay within. I begged him not to go, and he laughed and, bending down, hugged me. I clung to him.

It is a long walk. The path is uneven and distorted by the overgrowth of shrubbery, and pampiniform tree roots rise sporadically out of the ground before my feet. Rows of the great botanical pillars of trees extend endlessly into the distance in all directions. A blanket of intertwined branches and leaves shield me from the pale glare of the sunless sky.

I feel compelled to visit the cave again. I had disguised my purpose from Myra and my mother, announcing instead that I would be going into town to buy some turkey, a rare treat that they in their despondence could not refuse. I even started off in the direction of town to circumvent suspicion, but quickly looped back around via a route invisible to the windows of my home.

As I walk I am aware of the path becoming ever more dilapidated. Fallen trees, some recent, some, coated with moss and grasses, hardly recognizable in their degenerated state, obstruct my passage, and the unkempt entanglement of shrubbery that surrounds me gradually causes the path to become thinner and thinner. Soon my arms are brushing against it. Thinner. I am walking briskly now, the bushes whipping against my sides.
Then I feel stone.

At first all I can do is stagger backwards, dazed. I wonder dimly if I have reached the cave already, all logic eluding my subconscious mind. I shake my head. Look up. The gasp that escapes my lips is one of pure shock. Or is it horror? Somehow I cannot decide which.

It is a statue. Of my father.

And perched upon his shoulder, head cocked quizzically, sits a black bird.



Night. Screaming.

Bed empty.

Gone.

Felix.



The cave stares at me.

It is an ominous stare, one of foreboding. The same stare that destroyed my father. Devoured him. Spit him out.

Something pulls me to the cave. Despite its atmosphere of uneasiness, despite its isolated location. I cannot explain it. Half an hour ago, it seemed the reason must certainly have been the statue, but I now know that that could not have been it, for as I walked on, the compulsion did not mitigate. It seems to be pulling me to the cave itself. Yet a difference force warns me to stay away.

I watch it. Wait. Its move.

The cave is dead. The craggy mouth that it is hangs open in lifeless inanimateness, its lips bordered with jagged teeth. It emanates decay: the earth around it is gray and putrescent, visibly becoming less so further and further away.

Inside it is black.

Such a black. The day is gray.

A bird chirps in the distance. One bird. I watched it fly off.

No sound escapes from the cave. Why would any? Yet somehow I regard it as something that is itself a being. Perhaps it is because of the tension that permeates the air between us.

Perhaps because it killed my father.

A being, yes, but inert nonetheless. Thus I view it with ponderousness, instead of anger, despite the fact that the rigidity of that which separates us is almost tangible.

The air smells of nothing here. Not the trees, not the grass. The nothingness of death.

Two others. That's what the letter said. Where are their kids? Shouldn't they be sitting next to me, sharing our mournful feelings? Who are they not to be here with me? I wonder if I know them. I wonder if I've seen them walking down the street, huddled in their jackets, hoping know one can distinguish the pelting rain from their tears. I wonder if anyone could.

Clouds roll in. I had best be leaving. But there is something I must do first.

The alluring force becomes ever more urgent as I near the cave. Then I touch it, and at its zenith, it disappears. I am left with a slight, nagging feeling of uneasiness.

I feel the stone, but my eyes stare into the tenebrosity within. It is almost hypnotic, to ponder its infinite depth, but to find that no external light could venture even just a short distance into the darkness, as if its mouth was but a black wall. It is a flawless, untainted black; it seeps into my head, fills my eyes, drowns me....

My mind unfocused, at first I simply wonder what it is. What it is that is slithering out of the cave. What it is that is coiling around my ankle. What it is that is squeezing....

Then I am on the ground, and my fingers grasp at the rocks, struggling to resist the thing that is pulling me unyieldingly into the abyss.

But of course I cannot.

Cannot.

The blackness consumes me. Twists me, stretches me, delves into my skull.

And yet, as I lie on the cave floor, an agonized hiss explodes above me. I smell smoke. Beneath my eyelids, the sudden flash of light is interpreted as a dull red.

The shadowy tendril, black as the ebony that surrounds it, releases me.

I lunge into the daylight. The cave vomits shadows behind me.

And I am running, blood rapping against my ears. Something follows me.

I do not look back.
Last edited by Kafkaescence on Sun Jan 09, 2011 5:57 pm, edited 10 times in total.
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Okay, what you have here is a good foundation to a potentially epic story. I only have a few things to say and I hope they help.
It needs to be a bit more descriptive. The way I read it it's really just a few people standing on a blank background. Description of the place, the sounds, the emotion in people's voices gives the story ambience and makes it more interesting.
I also think it seems a little cluttered, so it was hard to read and really absorb into. Proper spacing between paragraphs and sentences should help that though.
Your characters... I can't really feel anything for them. Again, they need description, and you need to tell the story in a more emotional way. Right now it just sounds like you got bored and decided to jot something down, which is something that I've done a lot.
The best way to fix that that I can think of is to develop your characters more, think about their personalities and then find a way to express that on paper. I know, this is going to sound like work, and it is, but what I do, and what I recommend, is to actually write your work on paper first. For some reason, it makes everything more real to you which is going to give your work a more raw, emotional sense, and THAT makes it easy for the reader to identify with the characters and the story and you. And you can edit when you type it all on the computer and what not, later.

Now, I'm sorry if I was too harsh, but I also hope my critique helps. If you have any questions just let me know.
I liked the story, I really did. It has great potential, and you have a great vocabulary and word choice. Keep writing this I want to read more when you post it so let me know when there's more :)



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My father is dead.I love abrupt lines! In the right context, they make everything sound poignant!

The night he died, his body was brought to our house and thrownis thrown the verb you require? upon our doorstep. I heard the door opening, and then a strange, stunned silence. I did not need the soft weepingsomehow this is awkward, i just can't identify exactly where that followed to know what had happened.

I sit in the field at the end of the villagewhat does this mean, at the end of the village? There are ends to villages?, watching the birds flit about the tree branches. So free. So wretchedly freeEek! J'adore! The word wretched is a wonderful one!. I let tears blur my vision, let them trickle down my cheek. I open the letter that had come with my father's body, folded upon his chest, now crumpled and tear-stained. I read it once more:



Dear Residents of the Synder Household,

We are grieved to inform you that Henry Synder died last night along with two others in a fatal cave-in. He was found buried in a pile of rubble. We hope you will fare well in the days to come. His presence will be mourned.Nice way of bringing the reader up to date

Cordially yours,

Edgar RudyardWhat a snooty name!
Mayor



I fold the letter back up and place it in my pocket. I am drained of all emotion. Yesterday's events came as such a shock, such a traumatismNice!, that even a day after I cannot fully comprehend what has happened. I follow a black bird as it flutters daintily through the lanky blades of grass, to come at a rest on the branch of a nearby tree. It seems to look at me, and I stare back, unblinking. It cocks its head, then soars off. It evaporatesLovely use of verb! into the darkness of the far-off trees.

I start as I feel a hand on my shoulder. Then I relax. I glance up, locking eyes with her for an instant, before letting them fall to the ground.

"He liked to sing," I say. Why does it sound so empty, so alone? Blood I like the rest of this sentence, but perhaps blood is not the best word to usetrickles down from the words as they waver and soundlessly die in the air.

I hear the Sorina's slender shadow murmur to me. I listen. Cling to itsWho is it? The girl? Then that should be her voice.

"A few years ago, I was in this field." She bends down and takes my hands in hers. I feel my eyes gently pulled upward into her gaze. It is not the first time I truly notice her eyes. Such penetrating blue, so vivid a cerulean chromaI'm absolutely entranced by this sentence.. Her voice shakes with suppressed tears, but her willingness to finish the story is tangible. "I heard a voice. It was beautiful: so natural, and so pure, that at first I thought it was the birds. But words were interwoven with the melody, and soon I recognized this. I walked through the field, like I was being drawn to the music. Then I saw your father." I stare at Sorina, willing her forward. She has an adroitness with words that captivates me; her lips flow like the ocean her eyes remind me of. "He was sitting against a tree as he sang. I recognized the song. The Tree's Gift." I nod. I know it. I've heard it only once. It was a wet day. "When he saw me, he stopped. We stared at each other. At last I whispered, 'Keep going.'"

"Did he?" I need to know.

"He did. I wanted the song to go on forever, but all songs must come to an end. This is only another song, another beauty, at its end." Hmm...metaphor time?

Her eyes shine with wetnessAnd...I dislike this. What else would they shine with? Use a big fat adjective here..it'd make all the difference. I open my mouth to speak, but find that only a choked sob escapes it. I feel tears on my cheeks, and suddenly I am in Sorina's embrace, and I am squeezing her back, weeping. All of my emotion from the past two days comes down on me at that moment: the shock, the sadness, the resentment. I feel Sorina shaking, and I realize she is crying too. Somehow this consoles me; I close my eyes, letting the sobs slowly subside.



We are walking. A field. Trees. The sun is watching us.

Our mouths utter no word. The silence that fogs the air accumulates between us, forming a transparent wall that I somehow do not want to look through. Foreboding dances along the fragile breeze; I watch it disappear into the distance. Laughing. Jeering. What does it want to tell me?
Well...to be blunt, duh. It's spoon feeding...(i wondered how many shoes she had. "How many shoes do you have?" I asked. Ech
"I need to...tell you something." His words seem to drift slowly across the swaying grass, then echo into the forest far ahead of us. I find my feet come to a halt, and in unison he stops as well.

"I will be gone...three years...for.stutter is not needed. too much..for work." His words seem halted, melancholy.

"Three years." I repeat. I say something, but my words are blurred as they reach my ears. It is a question. I realize it does not matter, does not make a difference.

"Deep, deep underground," I hear him answer in a choked whisper. I gaze up at him and find his image distorted, misshapen. LOVELY sentence

I wipe away the tears.

He murmurs something about loving me, and then I am in his embrace. Before I close my eyes, I catch a glimpse of a black bird gliding into the forest.



I remember the cave.

Father took me there once, before he had to leave. I can picture it vividly in my mind, the gaping hole of an entrance, the utter tenebrosity that lay within. I begged him not to go, and he laughed and, bending down, hugged me. I clung to him.

It is a long walk. The path is uneven and distorted by the overgrowth of shrubbery, and pampiniform tree roots rise sporadically out of the ground before my feet. Rows of the great botanical pillars of trees extend endlessly into the distance in all directions. A blanket of intertwined branches and leaves shield me from the pale glare how can a sunless sky glare? I associate glare with sun...of the sunless sky.

I feel compelled to visit the cave again. I had disguised my purpose from Myra and my mother, announcing instead that I would be going into town to buy some turkey, a rare treat that they in their despondence could not refuse. I even started off in the direction of town to circumvent suspicion, but quickly looped back around via a route invisible to the windows of my home.

As I walk I am aware of the path becoming ever more dilapidated. Fallen trees, some recent, some, coated with moss and grasses, hardly recognizable in their degenerated state, obstruct my passage, and the unkempt entanglement of shrubbery that surrounds me gradually causes the path to become thinner and thinner. Soon my arms are brushing against it. Thinner. I am walking briskly now, the bushes whipping against my sides.
Then I feel stone.

At first all I can do is stagger backwards, dazed. I wonder dimly if I have reached the cave already, all logic eluding my subconscious mind. I shake my head. Look up. The gasp that escapes my lips is one of pure shock. Or is it horror? Somehow I cannot decide which.shock and horror are too similar..i like the concept, but use another adjective-horror and...hmm...delight? or is that too sociopathic?

It is a statue. Of my father.

And perched upon his shoulder, head cocked quizzically, sits a black bird.



Night. Screaming.

Bed empty.

Gone.

Felix.



The cave stares at me.

It is an ominous stare, one of foreboding. The same stare that destroyed my father. Devoured him. Spit him out.

Something pulls me to the cave. Despite its atmosphere of uneasiness, despite its isolated location. I cannot explain it. Half an hour ago, it seemed the reason must certainly have been the statue, but I now know that that could not have been it, for as I walked on, the compulsion did not mitigatenice wording. It seems to be pulling me to the cave itself. Yet a difference force warns me to stay away.

I watch it. Wait. Its move.

The cave is dead. The craggy mouth that it is hangs open in lifeless inanimateness, its lips bordered with jagged teeth. It emanates decay: the earth around it is gray and putrescent, visibly becoming less so further and further away.

Inside it is black.

Such a black. The day is gray.a bit off...

A bird chirps in the distance. One bird. I watched it fly off.

No sound escapes from the cave. Why would any? Yet somehow I regard it as something that is itself a being. Perhaps it is because of the tension that permeates the air between us.

Perhaps because it killed my father.

A being, yes, but inert nonetheless. Thus I view it with ponderousness, instead of anger, despite the fact that the rigidity of that which separates us is almost tangible. might i just say, your writing style is magnificent. its almost edwardian/victorian-from another age

The air smells of nothing here. Not the trees, not the grass. The nothingness of death.

Two others. That's what the letter said. Where are their kids? Shouldn't they be sitting next to me, sharing our mournful feelings? Who are they not to be here with me? I wonder if I know them. I wonder if I've seen them walking down the street, huddled in their jackets, hoping know one can distinguish the pelting rain from their tears. I wonder if anyone could.

Clouds roll in. I had best be leaving. But there is something I must do first.

The alluring force becomes ever more urgent as I near the cave. Then I touch it, and at its zenith, it disappears. I am left with a slight, nagging feeling of uneasiness.

I feel the stone, but my eyes stare into the tenebrosity within. It is almost hypnotic, to ponder its infinite depth, but to find that no external light could venture even just a short distance into the darkness, as if its mouth was but a black wall. It is a flawless, untainted black; it seeps into my head, fills my eyes, drowns me....

My mind unfocused, at first I simply wonder what it is. What it is that is slithering out of the cave. What it is that is coiling around my ankle. What it is that is squeezing....I don't like the transition between here.///

and here. Never start a sentence with then..tis mundane, prosaicThen I am on the ground, and my fingers grasp at the rocks, struggling to resist the thing that is pulling me unyieldingly into the abyss.

But of course I cannot.

Cannot.

The blackness consumes me. Twists me, stretches me, delves into my skull.

And yet, as I lie on the cave floor, an agonized hiss explodes above me. I smell smoke. Beneath my eyelids, the sudden flash of light is interpreted as a dull red.

The shadowy tendril, black as the ebony that surrounds it, releases me.tendril! wonderful!

I lunge into the daylight. The cave vomits shadows behind me.vomits! wonderful!

And I am running, blood rapping against my ears. Something follows me.

I do not look back.
Wonderfully done with care and love! Fantastic writing style too!
“Maybe it’s fate that Hound ate the map. Maybe we’ll discover soemthing wonderful while we’re lost.”-The Penderwicks




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This is a really neat start to what I expect will be an incredible story. I liked the vagueness of the surroundings and characters, though I do hope that you develop them more as time goes on. I especially liked the opening line. It really sums up how the character feels about the situation and how he's dealing with it. You really captured the feeling of grief. Your way with words are incredible, by the way.

Blood trickles down from the words as they waver and soundlessly die in the air.


Now that is metaphor.

My only real criticism is that I sometimes had trouble grasping what was going on, and it made this first chapter feel more like a prologue than an actual opening act. I know this is a common technique, but it just happens to be a pet peeve of mine.

Overall, I think that this is a cool first chapter to an incredibly promising novel. I can't wait to check out the next one.

P.S. Thanks for your review of "In Memoriam" :) Your critiques are really helping me with the second chapter, which I hope to finish and post soon.
Remember your name. Do not lose hope — what you seek will be found. Trust ghosts. Trust those that you have helped to help you in their turn. Trust dreams. Trust your heart, and trust your story. - Neil Gaiman




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Hi Kafkaescence! I saw your other chapters didn't have any reviews, so I decided to start at the beginning and review from there. :)

Your vocabulary is wonderful; I love the words you've chosen and the descriptions you've come up with. Everything just has a very fresh, new feel, which is excellent. However, I'd also keep an eye out and make sure that you don't "overdo" it; you don't want the readers to get overwhelmed and not understand what you're saying.

Really the only major thing I have to nitpick on is the flow of the story; there are some scenes where I'm thinking you're going back or showing us a dream, and it's hard to differentiate. If you could just use a symbol like "~~~~~" or "*****" or something to signify that it's different from the narrative you're telling us originally. Also, italics are generally used to show that it's a dream or something in the past.

My mind unfocused, at first I simply wonder what it is. What it is that is slithering out of the cave. What it is that is coiling around my ankle. What it is that is squeezing....


This is something I don't really find easily believable. He feels it and can narrate what's happening, yet he's not moving or looking to see what that is...perhaps if it happened faster or something, where he only has time to comprehend what's happening before he gets yanked in.

One last thing -- you tend to do a lot of telling instead of showing. Now, I know that it's hard to avoid telling when you use a first person narrative voice, but it's still something to keep an eye out for.

All right, that's all I've got to say! I'm off to the next chapter. :)
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
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I have to say that the reason why this chapter of your story is incredible in particular is because it can really go in any direction it likes. I love the first-pserson narration, the flow of the piece, and the obvious friendship between our protagonist and Sorina.
Whenever I get the chance, I would like to read more of this novel, I love it so far and I'm afraid I can't really give you any productive criticizm.
Keep up the great work!
-Alex
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I'd be happy to give them.
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Cheers!
Alright, let's tear it apart as much as possible.
Before I crush it, I'd like to say that your word play amused me, not in the mocking way, in the interesting way. Abstract yet imagineable metaphors and descriptions, you got those covered good. I think I won't be really off if I brought here a quote you definitely know. 'By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired.'

There are no specific grammar problems I'd nitpick, I couldn't focuse on that in the first place. As long as I know, everything was alright to me in this aspect. Except of course this line : I watch it. Wait. Its move. Its move? I think you wanted something different here.

Though, let's start with confusion before bugs. You jump from one place to another without any medium. From narrator's cries in Sorina's embrace I find myself later walking in a field with some atmosphere (I'm still thinking that I'm there with the girl) and then bam, I got hit over my head with a hammer, who the hell is narrator talking to? A male? By the end of that moment I figure out it's probably his father. Then bam, again, I'm in a completely different place. Bless the teleports uhuh.

What kind of bugged me is the very often used space between paragraphs. You have tons of them. The worst for me were the single word or simple sentences spaced one after another. Was there really a need to lay out so many things separately? In my opinion you could shorten a few of them and stick some of the sentences in single paragraphs so we can smoothly continue instead of jumping over rocks. Jumping over rocks sure does give a specific edge to everything, but I found myself jumping too much here, dealing with romantism-like descriptions all the time.

One could say your piece is of the heavier caliber. That's not a bad thing, I definitely like those more than the simple literature, but I still believe you could shed some light on some parts and make it less confusing to begin with. The reader has to focus on your descrptions, imagine them, try to stay in the pace with the story, but when you make him trip over rocks, the focus on story gets wavy and it takes time to retaliate. That kind of hurts the smooth ride, if you get what I mean.

Knowing you quite admire Kafka Franz I believe I can tell his influence in your writing, being a wise man is definitely great, but you also could know, that if you make something too troublesome for too long, you can count only on the smaller amount of people who'd read the whole novel in our modern world. That means less people who'd know of your inner self that creates all those pieces. I do not know your goals here, I might as well be spilling out useless words for you, but I still think my opinion has its place.

All in all, it's quite an interesting beginning to a story, it's got a lot of potential, so I'll just wish you to not screw it up. Good luck in the literature, I'm looking forward to seeing more of your works.

Best regards,
Kyou~
~Don't beg for things, do it yourself or else you'll never get anything~
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Hey Kafkaescence! Thanks so much for entering my contest! Here's a thanks-for-entering review! :)

I hear the Sorina's slender shadow murmur to me.

I feel like that "the" isn't supposed to be there.

I had disguised my purpose from Myra and my mother, announcing instead that I would be going into town to buy some turkey, a rare treat that they in their despondence could not refuse.

Who is Myra?

Yet a difference force warns me to stay away.

different ;)

I just have to say, Kafka, I love your style. It's engrossing and unique. I loved this chapter, and it is a great basis for what could be a fantastic story. The only thing I can think to really comment on is character development. I would like to see a little more development of character in this first chapter. I just feel like I still don't know your MC, or have a great sense of who he is. I'm sure this will develop much more as the story goes on, but I'd still like to see a bit more here in the first chapter.

That's all I have to say. Again, this was fantastic. Great job and definitely keep writing!

Thanks again for entering my contest!

-Lauren-
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