Chapter one of Novel one

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CHAPTER 1
To never see and never hear
a tale of a world that lives in fear;
the fear of things like gnomes and trolls,
or demons that could steal your souls;
hating and lying just to get by,
with no regret but just a simple sigh;
A relief that they live another day;
As long as things go exactly their way.
Dare I say that such a place
does exist and in this case,
there is a girl that I know well,
that has never heard of such a hell.
She has never seen a thing like you,
a human being, and that is the truth.
So now, you know that I am right,
when I tell the story of this girl’s life,
and how she came to see the first,
of a human and an amazing curse...


*****


"So what are we hunting brother?” An angelic voice whispered with a mischievous tone.
"Nothing that concerns you or I would have agreed to your coming in the first place." The girl’s brother whispered back.
“Why do you…” she started only to be interrupted by her brother.
“Sshh you’ll warn them of our presence.” His deep, calm voice did not fool her, for the aggravated phrase made her feel like the words themselves wrapped over her mouth, like silk, and she quickly fell into silence. She felt as if she should not move; that the slightest break of air against her skin would disturb what ever her brother was seeking. For a moment, she even failed to breathe.
She was standing on a fallen tree; her bare feet kicking off blackened bark signifying its fate; a story of how the giant tree had bowed to the supremacy of lightning, the other trees hovering above. Saida looked up, watching its ancestors cry; dying leaves falling near.
The ground was moist and brown with dead leaves and dirt. The morning dew soaked into the soil, hiding from the rising sun. Saida and her brother stepped lightly on the cool land, until the view of a meadow appeared.
Never fully stepping into the meadow, Saida’s brother stopped and pulled off his bow and prepared an arrow.
She looked closely to what was beyond the field; it was not just another forest. It was a mirrored reflection of the one they were in. She saw the huge rock that has two pointed edges. She saw the pond that would fill and empty, depending on the day, next to that rock. Everything she saw across that field was exactly as it was on their side. She now knew where she was and felt uneasy.
She took her eyes off the eerie reflection and glanced at her brother, trying to find out why he had chosen here to hunt.
“There" he said, the words appearing from his mouth in a fog. He took his curved bow, made just for him, and bent it with ease. He placed the arrow in the bend between his thumb and first finger and pulled back the hog bristle until he had his target right where he wanted it. His long silver hair danced softly with the wind, not daring to get in his way.
****FFFFFFFFUIIISSSSSSSTTTTTTT****
The arrow blew across the field and into the “forbidden” forest. Many trees and bushes later, it hit his target dead on.
"There" he repeated to himself, lowering his head. "That’s it for today."
"What brother? What is it? What did you do?" she asked as he walked by her. Her icy blue eyes followed him until he fully passed her, in which than she turned to try to find the target that was most unfortunate. ‘I cannot see' she sighed to herself.
They left the carcass where it lie in the forest at the other end of the field and went home.
Water droplets sprayed them as they pressed against the rock wall disappearing behind a waterfall. Saida’s brother had to tilt his head lightly to walk in the narrow cave that led the way to their home. She, on the other hand, didn't. However, she was only seventeen; she still had time to grow. All Elves were rather tall beings, and she would probably be no different.
They slowly walked passed the damp cold rocks, Saidas hands rubbing against the moss and fungi growing throughout the walls occasionally. The light from either end made their path easy to see, but gave little promise of warmth.
The silence between the two was unbearable. She knew Luthien was not a big talker, but still, she hoped he would at least say something to her. ‘He couldn’t still be annoyed with me for following him could he?’ Saida thought to herself.
It was too quiet. It was that painful quiet where you start to hear a high-pitched tone that makes you think of the color red. Saida hated that noise that was tuning into her ear…she did not much care for the color red either. She tried to strike up a conversation.
“So…” she started, trying to think of a good topic. “If I may ask, what was that…” she hesitated; “well… you know… that thing you…” her brother looked over his shoulder, wondering if she would ever get to the point. She could not help but just spill out what was on her mind. “Why must the warriors keep silent about the things they kill like today? And I’m not talking about the food we eventually eat; I’m talking about the poor innocent beings you kill and leave, not utilizing a thing like heartless Ogres.” She had then wished she could gather every word she said. She felt her face turn from pale to red, never thinking she could be so blunt with her brother. She was mischievous, but never disrespectful.
His face turned more toward her, his eyes focused on the ground, never looking at her. “I” he started; then thought not to say what he wanted. Instead, anger replaced his calm, almost sympathetic approach.
“How dare you say things and disagree with things you don’t even understand.” He then said, his eyes now digging deep into hers for an answer. The more he waited for her terrified response, the more he saw himself in her.
He saw the curiosity prance around like a child catching a butterfly to see what wings were made of. He saw a determined Saida like there was once a determined Luthien, wanting so badly to know the deep secrets of there tribe.
“I’m sorry,” Luthien whispered calmly. “I had no right to snap at you like I did. Yet you have no right to accuse the other collectors and myself things that are not necessarily true.”
“I understand brother” Saida replied quickly, ashamed of her actions. Ogre was more than just an insult to her people. Her cheeks were still hot and tingly, leaving a reminder of what she said. She knew that whatever the collectors did, it was for a good reason.
‘Collectors’ she thought. ‘The men have to be rather strong mentally as well as physically to be declared one, and their secrets have always been kept as just that…secret.’
Their conversation had died when they stepped out of the silence of the hungry cave and walked into the crisp autumn day of the Anwa tribe of four seasons.
The birds were singing in welcome to there arrival. They adjusted there eyes to men working high in the trees, cutting down already dying branches and using rope to lower them to the men and woman on the ground. Women were also gathering water to prepare food, and the children were playing their “fairy” games. Saida could hear their laughter in the background, and wanted so much to join.
As she watched her fellow tribe members, she had passed an older woman singing. Her white eyes seemed to follow Saida, though she was completely blind.
Saida continued following her brother down a dirt path, the sun making rays of light through colored leaves and branches. She could hear the voices disappear into the distance behind them. She loved this time of day, walking into the rays and letting the light paint her face. Dust from there steps swirled around them, making a fog of the path; a pleasant, serene fog that could only exist in such a place as this.
Shortly after, they came to a hole in the tree. A little Desh'miriai named Sarci popped up to greet the two. “Welcome” he said; his voice was shrill and chipper. The upward tilt of his eyes aligned with bat like ears, and his cheeks looked like that of a chipmunk gathering nuts. In this case, a rolled up tongue took place of food. The tip always hung out the side of thin chapped lips. Saida never saw him as gross or disrespectful creature. His tongue had always slouched out. He never opened his mouth wide enough, but Saida imagined that if he did, his purplish tongue would fall out so far you could rap it around two Chubnubs and a Snickle Winkle; and those creatures were rather big. It always made her laugh to think of it.
“So…” said the little Desh'miriai, his long pointy fingers eagerly reaching as he held out his pudgy hand. Luthien reached into his hair and pulled out a strand, Saida did the same. He then wrapped the two strands up in a specific leaf he had stored in a bag. He placed it gently in the middle of the bat creature’s hand.
“There, Sarci.” Luthien said, waiting on a reply. Sarci blew on the leaf, his breath, the color of fire, not hot and no flames, just a reddish orange falling onto the leaf.
All of the sudden the leaf turned as silver as the strands of aged hair some find unfortunate.
“Perfect.” Sarci said. “Welcome home."
Last edited by victorianlolita on Tue Jan 11, 2011 4:35 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Hey there!

I liked this, and I think with a bit of fine tuning it will be a wonderful first chapter!

Let me start off by saying that I love your opening paragraph. I don't really know why, because it reminds me of the beginning of Ella Enchanted (the movie) where the little man is rhyming. But it reels you in, you know? It captured my attention and now I want to know more about this human and this curse. Usually I don't like statements that give you a clue as to what will happen later in the book, but I really like this. It might be the way it was written, the wording you used, or maybe that the last few lines have a rhyme to it. I don't know, but well done!

So, after reading the first two sentences after that intro paragraph, I noticed that you need a bit of help with your grammar, especially the grammar within dialogue. I would recommend you read this article: topic44898.html (Punctuation Within Dialogue by Demeter) I think after you read this you should have a good or at least better idea of how to write dialogue.

(Possible transition problem?)


Nope. Not at all. It's a nice transition, actually. Very calm and it has a nice flow to it.

The number one problem I have with this story is your main character, obviously Saida. You say that she is short enough so that she doesn't have to kneel or bend or something, and you say this because she is younger and still has time to grow. I'd watch out for this because automatically readers will think she is middle school age, around 11 to 13 years old, because high school is naturally when children begin to really get taller. So why this is a problem? The way you have her talk makes it seem like she's a smart-alec eighteen year old girl. And you don't want your main character to sound like that, at least all the time. Remember: make your main character as relatable as possible. No one wants to think they're stuck up.

Other than those two things, this is really good. I think you introduced plot well, and you neither rushed it nor took too long to get to the good part - the interesting parts. I think you should spend more time explaining what Saida thinks about the strange things her brother is shooting. I mean, we know that she doesn't really approve, but what does she think it is. I suspect that this will come in later chapters, but give us a taste of it in this chapter, while you're introducing so many other things. And if she doesn't have a clue what it is, tell us that.

I'd love to read more of this. You're a good writer, keep it up!

Classy




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Classy,

Wow. I cannot thank you enough for your in depth input on the chapter. I wrote it when I was 17. I lost it and now, 4-5 years later, I found it again, and am trying to revise it. As I read back over it I saw grammar errors that made me laugh. I had such a horrid time with grammar. I still do to an extent and am going to thoroughly look through that link you gave me.

I noticed that when I wrote while I was younger, I wrote as though every one knew what I meant, so explanations weren't needed. Now I understand and need to go through it. Saida is 17-18 years old, and I assumed that everyone knew what I was thinking: that most Elves are taller than humans by far. Of course, not really telling the reader what they are exactly doesn't help. ha ha.

I can't wait to start revising this now. Thank you again for everything!




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Alright, so I'll start where you started: The introduction poem. I found that really great. It met my two poem criteria: It sounded good as I read it, and it made sense (I'm not a big poetry critic). It also made me really intrigued.

Um, now, you probably shouldn't take this seriously because it is 3:30 AM where I am, and my eyes were flinching with tiredness as I read it... naturally I was somewhat confused. Not that confused though. Really, I don’t think the writing was confusing; it’s just that I’m tired probably.

Um, yeah, your grammar wasn’t perfect… hehe, I’m in the eighth grade, and I don’t consider myself good with grammar, (I type everything in Word first, so that might deceive you) and I even noticed some problems! (I’m trying to insult myself there, not you)

The thing I saw most often was the use of “there” where “their” was supposed to be used…

He saw a determined Saida like there was once a determined Luthien, wanting so badly to know the deep secrets of there tribe.


The birds were singing in welcome to there arrival. They adjusted there eyes to men working high in the trees,


Um, and all the other grammatical errors I’ve forgotten about, so, anywho…

I read Classy’s review, and your reply, and I was surprised… I very strongly believed Saida was, like ten… I didn’t get any sarcasm from her, but, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m behind on sleep. I think she seemed very young in comparison to her brother. I thought he was eighteen or so…

And, you mentioned a creature named Tretty at the end… he/she didn’t really get, like, an introduction or anything, he just appeared. Or was Tretty the same person as Sarci? If he was, they should probably have the same name…

I hope you didn’t take any of that negatively, because I honestly did like this, and I’m definitely looking forward to reading more. You used some really good imagery, and I love the concept :)

Uhg… I hope this review doesn’t sound like a bunch of rambling… I’m going to go to bed now…

And by the way, welcome to YWS!

--
Tabby




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Hey there :)

I have some nitpicks in the spoiler, if you'd like to read them. I didn't bother with punctuation errors.

Spoiler
"So what are we hunting brother?” An angelic voice whispered with a mischievous tone.

"Angelic" and "mischievous" are about as contradictory as you can get in the same sentence, and it confused me at first.

She was standing on a fallen tree; her bare feet kicking off blackened bark signifying its fate; a story of how the giant tree had bowed to the supremacy of lightning, the other trees hovering above. Saida looked up, watching its ancestors cry; dying leaves falling near.

I really like the description here, but the thing that threw me off was "a story of how..." What story? I don't think it makes sense.

She looked closely to what was beyond the field; it was not just another forest. It was a mirrored reflection of the one they were in. She saw the huge rock that has two pointed edges. She saw the pond that would fill and empty, depending on the day, next to that rock. Everything she saw across that field was exactly as it was on their side. She now knew where she was and felt uneasy.

There are a few problems that I see with this paragraph. First, "She saw the pond that would fill..." That sentence didn't make much sense to me, and I suggest rewording it. Second, "Everything she saw..." Since you've already mentioned the mirror image, I feel that this is redundant. Lastly, "She now knew..." The 'now' and the 'knew' have conflicting tenses, and since the rest of the story is in past tense, you might want to change it to "She knew then..." If you don't want to tell us why she felt uneasy quite yet, that's fine, but maybe show rather than tell.

“There" he said, the words appearing from his mouth in a fog.

Why are they in a fog? Is it cold? You haven't shown us anything to indicate that it's cold, and later you let us know that it is, in fact, not cold. So why is his breath fogging

****FFFFFFFFUIIISSSSSSSTTTTTTT****

I have no idea what this is supposed to be. If he's saying it, you need quotes. If not, well, that was my only guess. So I don't know.

The arrow blew across the field and into the “forbidden” forest.

As you probably already know, the Forbidden Forest is a location in the world of Harry Potter. Just putting quotes around the "forbidden" won't make your readers forget about it (I'll bet anything that they've all at least read the first Harry Potter). Unless you have a reason that trumps the whole Harry Potter series plus J.K. Rowling, I suggest you rename it.

Her icy blue eyes followed him until he fully passed her, in which than she turned to try to find the target that was most unfortunate. ‘I cannot see' she sighed to herself

First, "...in which than..." The correct word would be "then," but I think it's not necessary and you should just take out the word. After that, the wording gets a little messy, so I think you should try to reword it.

All Elves were rather tall beings, and she would probably be no different.

....What? This is the first time you mention Elves at all, let alone the main character being an Elf. We don't know what these creatures look like, and you barely mention right here that they are tall. I think you need to introduce this much earlier.

They slowly walked passed the damp cold rocks, Saidas hands rubbing against the moss and fungi growing throughout the walls occasionally.

It would be "Saida's," and I think everything after that is a little awkward to read. Try rewording it.

The light from either end made their path easy to see, but gave little promise of warmth

I'm assuming you mean that the light was promising warmth, but the way you word it here makes it seem like there was very little promise of warmth (meaning there wasn't much promise of warmth at all).

She was mischievous, but never disrespectful

What exactly does "mischievous" mean here?

He saw the curiosity prance around like a child catching a butterfly to see what wings were made of. He saw a determined Saida like there was once a determined Luthien, wanting so badly to know the deep secrets of there tribe.

This is good description, but it's like "Close, but no cigar" right now. Whose curiosity (Saida's, I bet)? It just needs more description, but what you have here is a great start.

'Collectors’ she thought. ‘The men have to be rather strong mentally as well as physically to be declared one, and their secrets have always been kept as just that…secret.’

I feel like you only have Saida think this so the information can be given out in a different way than dialogue or narrative, but would Saida really think this right then, right there? She already knew this, so I doubt she'd be just re-thinking (is that a word?) it. I think it would be much stronger to give this information away through narrative.

Their conversation had died when they stepped out of the silence of the hungry cave...

I would suggest changing "when" to "by the time."

The birds were singing in welcome to there arrival.

You used the wrong there/their/they're. This one is "their." You make the same exact mistake multiple times throughout the piece, and I challenge you to find them all.

A little Desh'miriai named Sarci popped up to greet the two.

Since your readers don't know what a Des'miriai is, or how to pronounce it (unless it's a real creature, in which case, only most of your readers don't know this), it was weird to read it right then. I found myself desperately hoping you were going to describe it, and felt quite relieved when you did. I think you should say "this sort of creature came up to us..." and then tell us what it's name is and then what type of creature it is. Also, if there are other creatures with odd names, make sure you include a pronounciation guide before the story actually starts, and maybe even descriptions so you're not required to give quite as much description later on.

Tretty blew on the leaf...

I'm going to guess that this character's name used to be Tretty, and that you decided to change it, but you missed this one and the next one.


Overall: Every time I read a verb + -ly adjective, a little piece of me dies. Keep in mind that most writers don't practice everything that they preach, and that I use the verb + -ly adjective if I really can't think of a strong verb, but try to eliminate as many as you possibly can. Aim to get rid of all of them.

Until I read someone else's comment, I couldn't tell that the very beginning was a poem. Experiment with punctuation and hitting

the

enter

button

on

the

keyboard

to make it feel more like a poem. A note about the poem: you do some really good rhymes at the beginning, but by the end the words that were supposed to rhyme didn't really rhyme. "You" and "truth"? Come on.

I already mentioned this in the spoiler, but I feel that it's really important so I'm going to repeat myself. We need to know the species of your main character(s) much earlier than you allow us to.

You sort of switch your POV a little, and I think it's not enough to actually be considered third person omnious, so try to either do more head popping or completely eliminate it (I suggest the latter).

Make sure you check all your tenses, because you change them a little throughout the piece.

I think it's awesome :p Don't be fooled by my many nitpicks and comments, I actually enjoyed this. Keep writing, and PM me if you have any questions :)
We've stayed until the very end.
This is real for us.




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I hope you all can find out I am responding to both of my newest friends that helped me. I have just noticed something...this is the first draft of my story...I was getting more confused, the more I read your critiques. This is the one I wrote when I was 17...not the revised version. That said, I'm going to post the newest one later on. It's late so I wont do it now, but yeah. My grammar isn't as bad as this lets on. I have not, however, changed the mentality of the main character, who is 17-18 years of age. I'll go back and fix that up no problem :)
I have also found out that I get defensive easily. That's no good at all!
On a last note... I have noticed that things like grammar and punctuation are a big thing here. For me, that is the last thing on my mind. I would like comments on content more than context. Though I do know spelling differences and where a comma needs to be, I tend to overlook them when I proof read. No biggy. I would like comments on context only after the content has been reviewed. That said, I'm going to bed. Thank you all who have helped thus far. I can't wait to revise my chapter :D

Chapter 2 will come shortly.



I will call them my people, which were not my people; and her beloved, which was not beloved.
— Romans 9:25