Darkness In London [Chapter 1, Edited]

This is the first chapter to another random 5am story, enjoy!

A Bargain With The Devil
[1879, London]

Aelfric Ellwood, a 5 foot chubby man with a handlebar moustache, puffed as he made his way through the unusually empty streets of London. The rain whipped itself against his cheeks as the wind howled against the poor man’s eardrums. Aelfric could barely make out the towering building under the dark and clouded sky. The large protruding iron cross on the ridge of the rooftop cast an omnious shadow onto the pale street below, signaling that he had finally found his destination.

The mighty stone cathedral has remained since the early thirteen-hundreds at the edge of the oldest part of the city. It serves as a memoir to remind people that some things don't change along the course of history. It is nowadays a mere shadow of it's former glory; a reminiscence of the old.

The cathedral’s doors slammed open as the coated man in a capotain marched in. The warm air filled with lavender incense brushed against his wet face as he collected himself. A voice hollered out:
"Aelfric Ellwood, I presume?"
"Yes, that is I" The gasping man puffed out. "I brought the item you seek".
“It is four minutes past eleven,” A man sitting in the left corner of the furthermost bench stood up and turned around.
“I told you to be here at sharp”.
“Oh yes, but I was delayed” Aelfric answered briefly.
“From what I recall Mr. Ellwood, you stated that you always arrive precisely on time to your appointments…”
“Yes, I absolutely loathe arriving late to such occasions, but the weather-“
“Did you bring it?” the deep, demanding voice questioned.
“Yes yes, I have it right here in the envelope” Winston exclaimed as he patted his right coat pocket.

The man in a dark frock coat proceeded along the aisle towards him. He was a rather handsome man in his mid-thirties, with dark brown hair combed backwards and his fashionable sideburns neatly trimmed. His opal eyes gleamed as he elegantly stepped towards the marvelling Mr. Ellwood, his shadow extending along every step. The echo of the hefty leather boots stopped. The man was standing before him.

“Hand it over”. The man demanded as he reached his arm out.
“Here it is,” Aelfric held the envelope, “but why make such a big fuss over a silver pocket watch you laid your eyes upon in the flea market?
“Let’s say it has…sentimental value of sort,” the man replied as he swiftly snatched the envelope out of Mr. Ellwood’s hand, placing it carefully deep within inside his breast pocket.

“Now to my end of the bargain” the man smirked, as he pulled out a the bottle of champagne of the finest vintage- Caremia Red, dating back to 1779.

Mr. Ellwood gladly accepted the bottle. He had always had a weakness for fine drinks. Collecting them had been a treasured hobby of his for years.

“I’m afraid I must take my leave” the man whispered, clicking his fingers together.
All candles dimmed as darkness overtook the building. The man had vanished in an instant, leaving Aelfric with the shimmering light that pierced through the various icons that portrayed many holy characters within the Bible and the Old Testament. It hit the slant surfaces of the old and polished rows of benches, and reflected upon the aged marble altar.

The flickering light caused Mr. Ellwood feel drowsy; crawling across the cathedral room he reached the bench
“Excellent, just what I needed” he laughed as he barely lifted himself onto the flat surface. He laid there for a moment, but was startled by a mysterious noise.

A woman was singing on the altar in serenity. She sang in a foreign tongue; the tone was sad and Mr. Ellwood could only lie there and watch as she bathed in the moonlight. She was gorgeous; her blond curly hair reached down to the silky red nightgown with black lining, covering her pale skin. She suddenly turned around to face him, casting an alluring smile. Winston could barely smile in return as she got up, walked gently beside him and kneeled to his level.

“Sleep, Aelfric Winston” she whispered and bent over as if to kiss him. Aelfric fell into a dreamlike state, his reality turning into a dark blur. A pair of gleaming white objects flashed, like white pebbles in the darkness. His eyes spread out wide as they pierced his throat, his body twitched as he screamed in anguish and terror; his throat let out pleading yelps only to be muffled by the sadistic laughter that echoed within the darkness.

Hello Emmylove here and ready to review.

I didn't feel like being too nitpicky, so there won't be many.

First off, you title this as Chapter 1, so I assume this should actually be in the novel section, not short stories.

Aelfric Winston. A 43 year old 5 foot, 79kg man with a handlebar moustache was making his way through the unusually empty streets of London.

Picture yourself in Borders, with the coffee and the pastries and such (do you have a Borders where you live? I always thought it was just a midwest thing... picture yourself in Barnes & Noble, then, or whatever your local bookstore/cafe may be). Picture yourself picking up a book with a really intriguing title and an alluring cover. Picture these 2 sentences (or I guess 1.5 sentences) as the first 2 sentences of the whole book. Would you keep reading? Sorry, but I wouldn't.

Also, I don't really know how big 79kg is, but that might be a cultural thing, seeing as I'm from Michigan. I don't think actual measurements are necessary, as long as you give the reader a visual picture (ie. short, squat, scrawny, etc.)

One quick question before I move on (this is legit), why do you use feet as a unit of length measurement, but kg as a unit of weight measurement? Just curious, seeing as they're from different systems.

A woman was singing silently on the altar.

Please explain how on earth one would sing silently.

He had always had a weakness for fine drinks. Collecting them had been a treasured hobby of his for years

Is this going to be important to the story? If not, you should take it out.

-ly adjectives are what writers use when they can't think of anything better, and we, as writers, never want anyone to think that. So, aim to get rid of all (yes, all) of your -ly adjectives. Did he answer briefly, or did he quip? Did the man elegantly step, or did he glide, saunter, or stride?

As for overall, you do generally a good job with descriptions and stuff, but it definitely could use more. When you start dialogue, try experimenting with having the character action before s/he actually starts talking, like how they gave your main character a mischievous grin or rapped his knuckles against the back of one of the pews. Having action before and after the dialogue makes it more relatable and believable.

The descriptions of the scenery is good before he gets inside, but I couldn't see anything once those men started talking. Were the walls a gross pinkish hue only a mother could love? Was the altar covered with beautiful flowers (whatever type of flowers you want, bud)? Does it smell musty in there? Or like incense? Whatever it is, your readers want to know.

Be sure you read your stuff out loud, because you'll catch if something's wrong a lot faster by reading it out loud. Work with the sentence lengths and the first word of every sentence; maybe even every paragraph. Make sure all the aesthetics are nice.

So, it's interesting If you want me to do more nitpicking (which I definitely can), want any suggestions for something (like alternative verbs to replace your lame-o verb + -ly adjective things), or just have any questions, please PM me!

I hope this was helpful, even if you don't plan on continuing with this.

AAWWSSOMMME! Well, perhaps most of it is on my part, because i just love this period in history. At least, I'm guessing it's supposed to be late victorian era? Liked the start, but in the ending a lot of the same adjectives were used. Try and spruce things up a little, I personally perscribe personification myself. A thesaraus would work just as well too, however. Can't wait for the next chapter!

Oh God! Didn't mean to imply that I made it awsome, which is what it sounded like! Not at all! Sorry, I just like the Victorian Era more so than others, so the story might have read differently to another person. My bad-

Okay. I'll start off saying that this story has potential, and I like imagining the possibilities for future chapters. Keep writing, you've got me hooked.

That said, I have some critique to accompany the praise. I'm afraid I cannot really feel too much for this Aelfred Winston. Perhaps it is his name. Yes, his name puts an (I'm assuming) unintentional comical aspect into the tension you are trying to build. Aelfred is okay. I like it, in fact. But Winston? No, no, definitely not. Cliched and somewhat funny-sounding. A great deal of the initial character judgement of readers in the first few chapters rests upon the name. So I would change this.

Now, another thing I find in need of revision is your use of omniscient third person in the beginning, and then trying to switch to limited third person near the end. Choose one and stick with it. The signs of omniscient third person are words like "poor (as in describing a person in terms of luck, as you did multiple times)," "the man (as in referring to the main character," etc. I would cut all of these out. If you're planning on making a longer story out of this, it is important to establish the writing style in the very first chapter. Limited third person is easier to follow, and also makes for a better story.

Thirdly, more detail would help. The cathedral needs quite a bit of description, and though you do a fairly good job of this, it is not enough for me to really envision it. Blocking, or the description of actions while the dialog is taking place, would help a lot. You have the conversation, but I really do not see what exactly is happening amidst it. Try to add some more of this; it would improve this piece a lot.

Here is some specific critique for the story.

Perviguana wrote:This is the first chapter to another random 5am story, enjoy!

A bargain with the devil Remember to capitalize titles.

Aelfric Winston. A 43 year old 5 foot, 79kg man Okay, I have some suggestions to improve this first part. You might want to take into account that kilograms and feet are from different systems of measurement: the English (feet) and Metric (Kilograms). But I would cut out the whole thing about his weight anyway; it's a bit unnecessary to the story and gives the reader information that they don't know what to do with. I would simply say, "Aelfred Winston was making his way...." But if you insist on keeping this, at least standardize the measurements. with a handlebar moustache was making his way through the unusually empty streets of London. You accidentally put two spaces between the period and "the." The rain whipped itself against his cheeks as the wind howled against the poor man’s eardrums. The man could barely make out the tall, towering "Towering" is a bit of a redundancy since you already said "tall" right before it, and they mean the same thing. building under the dark and clouded sky. The large protruding iron cross on the ridge of the rooftop cast a omnious shadow onto the pale street below, signaling that he had finally found his destination. I do really like this sentence.

The cathedral’s doors slammed open Can a door "slam" open? Just a thought. as the coated man in a capotain marched in. The warm air filled with incense brushed against his wet face as he collected himself together. Good description here too. A voice hollered out:
"Aelfric Winston, I presume?"
"Yes, that is I" Aelfric answered briefly. "I brought the item you seek".
“It is four minutes past eleven,” A man sitting in the left corner of the furthermost bench stood up and turned around.
“I told you to be here at sharp”.
“Oh yes, but I was delayed” The gasping man puffed out. "The gasping man puffed out?" I need more evidence that Aelfred is that tired, especially since you haven't even mentioned anything about his being tired before this.
“For what I recall Mr. Winston, you stated that you always arrive on time to your appointments…”
“Yes, I absolutely loathe arriving late to such occasions, but the weather-“
“Did you bring it?” the deep, demanding voice questioned.
“Yes, yes, I have it right here in the envelope” Winston exclaimed as he patted his right coat pocket.

The man in a dark frock coat started walked along the aisle towards him. He was a rather handsome man in his mid-thirties, with dark brown hair combed backwards and dark eyes. His sideburns were neatly trimmed as he elegantly stepped towards the dazzled Mr. Winston. His shadow extended along the corridor, and Ppoor Mr. Winston failed to notice as the man was already standing before him. Rework this sentence, I'm not really sure what you mean by this.

“Hand it over”. The man demanded as he reached his arm out.
“Here it is,” Aelfric held out the envelope, “but why make such a big fuss over a silver pocket watch you laid your eyes upon in the flea market?
“Let’s say it has…sentimental value of sort,” the man hissed I can't see him "hissing" this friendly-sounding sentence. Rework either what he says or how he says it. as he quickly snatched the envelope off Mr. Winston’s hand, placing it carefully deep within inside his breast pocket.

“Now to my end of the bargain” the man smirked Good word; as if he knows that Aelfred is being ripped off., as he pulled out a the bottle of champagne of the finest vintage- Caremia Red, dating back to 1779.

Mr. Winston gladly accepted the bottle. He had always had a weakness for fine drinks. Double spaced here too. Collecting them had been a treasured hobby of his for years.

“Now I must take my leave I’m afraid” Rework this to say: "Now I'm afraid I must take my leave." the man whispered, clicking his fingers together.
All candles dimmed as darkness overtook the building. The man had vanished in an instant;, leaving Aelfric with the pale light that broke through the various icons that portrayed many holy characters within the Bible and the Old Testament. Show that Aelfred is more surprised at what happened; I can't picture his reaction.

Mr. Winston felt drowsy;. He crawlingcrawled across the cathedral room heand reached a bench.
“Excellent, just what I needed” he laughed as he barely lifted himself onto the flat surface. He laid there for a moment, but was startled by a mysterious noise.

A woman was singing silentlyquietly on the altar. She was beautiful;: her blond curly hair reached down to herthe pale skin on her shoulders. She suddenly turned around to face him, casting an alluring smile. Winston could barely smile in return as she got up, walked gently beside him and kneeled to his level.

“Sleep, Mr. Winston” she whispered and bent over as if to kiss him. Aelfric fell into a dreamlike state, his reality turning into a dark blur. He saw a pair of gleaming white objects flash, like white pebbles in the darkness. They sunk into his throat, but he was too dozed off to notice. Uh, frankly, I can't see anyone too "dozed off" to notice something sinking into their throat. Oh, and another double space here. Sadistic laughter echoed withinthroughout the cathedral as Mr. Winston blacked out, dozing off into darkness.

I hope all this critique hasn't overwhelmed you, and will prove more helpful than demotivational. I am serious when I say that this story has potential, and am just as serious when I say that I hope you write chapter two soon, because I really would like to read it. That is the sign of a good writer.

Alrighty then, Life here to review!

I really liked the plot you've got going on here, especially because you were basically keeping the reader in the dark, witholding vital information. That's always a good hook, and this is no exception. Your characters' dialouge matched their personalities and the dialouge in itself flowed well. I really liked the ending line, it's alive with descriptions; really drawing you into it, just to leave you hanging as the chapter ends, baiting you to turn the page.

Nit-picks shall be found in the following spoiler:

Spoiler

Aelfric Ellwood, a 5 foot chubby man with a handlebar moustache, puffed

There should be a comma here too, as you're giving further information about Aelfric (nice, original name btw).

on the ridge of the rooftop cast an omnious shadow

brushed against his wet face as he collected himself together.

You don't really need this, as the word "collected" already implies it.

For what I recall Mr. Ellwood,

I'm pretty sure this should be "From", I could be wrong though, it might work with "For" too.

He was a rather handsome man in his mid-thirties

Sounds better this way.

Mr. Ellwood failed to notice as the man was already standing before him.

I'm not really sure what you mean by this, maybe consider re-wording it?

snatched the envelope out of Mr. Ellwood’s hand

The man had vanished in an instant, leaving Aelfric

Just a normal comma here, due to the "-ing" form of the verb "to leave".

His eyes spread out wide as they pierced into his throat,

This sounds wrong, either make it as they pierced his throat, or then replace "pierced" with (for example) "tore" or "bit".

All of these are only minor issues, quickly solved. Otherwise I think you did a great job with this story, especially for writing it when you did (which might contribute to the fact of the minor issues). Definetly continue with this story line. ^^

Yours truly,
|Life|