Lightheart - Chapter 1 - Part 1 (Edited)

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This is a work in progress that I have given so much time and love! I really appreciate all the advice and remarks!


Carmen

Bacon and scrambled eggs was a Wednesday morning tradition in my household. I raised my dark brown eyes from the fluffy light yellow scrambled eggs and glanced up at my dad, who sat across the table reading the morning paper. I diverted my eyes to the window and sighed. I found myself scared to speak to him. I was about to ask him a question that I knew would make him uneasy.

I stared at my reflection for a brief moment: I was still wearing my pajamas, which consisted of a simple baggy pair of sweatpants and a grey tee shirt that was two sizes too large. Maybe it was time to pick up some new PJs... I stopped that thought. Now wasn't a time to think about clothes shopping. I forced myself to pick up a piece of bacon, trying to distract myself from my nervousness. Breaking off a smaller piece, I popped it into my mouth as my gaze moved back to Dad. I watched as he closed the newspaper and put it down by his empty plate. Lifting his coffee cup, he caught my gaze with his hazel eyes.

“Is something the matter?” he asked me before he took a sip of his coffee.

I dropped the piece of bacon back on my plate, averting my eyes once more. “Well….” I said, my eyes tracing the details on the picture of sunflowers my mother had hung on the wall a few years back. “Here’s the thing…I’ve been waiting awhile to bring this up…” I paused once more, trying to remember the speech I had prepared for this very moment. “I want to go back to school,” I said, clenching my eyes closed. I waited for the inevitable “No”.

Dad stood up, sliding his chair in as he stepped back. Picking up his coffee cup, he walked across the kitchen and moved for the coffee pot. He paused as he looked my way. “Is that what you really want?” he asked me, his voice soft.

“Yes.” I nodded, shocked that he was even considering having a discussion about it.

I watched him sigh as he scratched the scruff on his chin. “I don’t know, Carmen,” he said, placing his cup down on the counter. “I’m not sure I’m comfortable letting you go back.”

“But Dad,” I said. I could hear the whininess of my voice come through and I wished I didn’t sound like a spoiled child. “This is something I really really want. I know that this time it will be different. I promise.”

“Then,” Dad turned and picked up the coffee pot, “I don’t see why not. However, there is one condition. If you do go to school and things start turning bad, I want you to resume home schooling with no complaints, alright? Also, I‘m going to have to speak with your mother. If she isn't comfortable with you going, then I can‘t go behind her back and tell you that you can.”

“Of course!” I said. “Oh, thank you, Dad!” I said. I got up and ran over to him, throwing my arms around him. “Thank you so much!” I said, hugging him.

“Just promise me not to start acting like those other teenagers,” Dad said, hugging me back. He ruffled my dark curls before stepping back. “Don’t withhold anything from me. I want to know how things are going. And if something bad happens, I want you to know that I’m here to help.”

“You’re getting sappy, Dad,” I said with a laugh. “You have to go tell Mom! You guys have to talk now! Sooner than later, right?” I said, pulling him from the kitchen by the arm. “This is so great!”

----


I could hear them talking in the kitchen. After Dad had told my mom what he was wanting to talk to her about, she had almost ripped some of her blond hair out as she stood braiding it in the bathroom. She had gone downstairs to the kitchen to talk with Dad while my sister and I were both forbidden from going in.

“I don’t think this is a good idea.” I heard Mom sigh. “You know what could happen if we let her go back.”

“Becca, Sweetie,” Dad said. “She’s sixteen now. And we’ve helped her since what happened. I’m sure she can hold her own now.”

I heard a chair skid on the floor and I knew Mom had sat down.

“You are so not going to school,” my little sister, Renée, said, looking up at me from where she stood against the door next to me, listening. She held her tattered stuffed pink bunny that she had had for as long as I could remember. She was ten, yet she still carried it around.

“Oh shut it,” I said down to her, trying to listen.

“If I know mom, she won’t let you,” Renée said. She watched me with her hazel eyes.

“We’ll just have to wait and see,” I said, trying not to let her ruin my mood. I was going to school, there were no and's, if's or but's about it.

“Are you really sure she’ll be alright?” I could hear the genuine concern in Mom’s voice.

“Yes,” Dad said, “I really do. She’s proved to us over the last few years that she has control.”

“You know I trust your judgment,” Mom said and I heard a chair skid on the floor; but I couldn’t tell if Mom had gotten up or Dad had sat down.

My sister and I both jumped back as the kitchen door opened and Mom stared at us in equal surprise. “I should’ve known you two would be listening,” she said with a soft laugh as she ruffled Renée’s dark hair.

“What’s the verdict, Sheriff?” I asked, wanting to get straight to the point.

“You’re allowed to go,” Mom said with an unsure smile. I could tell she was sad and afraid by the fact that her blue eyes, always glowing with laughter and smiles, were dulled.

----


There was still another half an hour before the first bell that would signal that the first day of school had started. It was the first day of school for me in eight years and I found myself almost unbearably nervous. I glanced up at the three story school that loomed overhead. I gulped. This was something I had been dreaming of and now I found myself unable to move. I listened to the people around me, clustered in their little groups of friends. I tried to pin point on a fashion trend that I could possibly follow so I could maybe make some friends; but everywhere I looked, it was like everyone had some different style going on. From different bold hair colors to piercings everywhere. The clothes consisted of mostly ripped pants and tights and lots of studs. But there was also a lot of skirts and bright shirts with sayings on them.

I reflected on my own outfit of the day. I was wearing a simple pair of jeans and a ruffled pink tee shirt. I shifted my feet where I wore a pair of pink converse shoes with white laces. There was no way I was going to fit in.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed some other girls who seemed to be wearing pretty plain things too. That was a sign of relief for me. Now all I had to do was find my locker. Forcing myself to walk forward, I headed in through the double dark brown doors that protested at first, but finally allowed me to open one door. My first reaction was to freeze when I realized just how busy a high school was. Staring ahead, I was nudged from behind as another student tried to get in past me.

“O-oh!” I hurried forward into the awaiting crowd of students. I managed to maneuver my way through the crowd as I dug out a piece of paper out of my pocket. It had my locker number and combo on it. Stopping for a moment when I felt it was safe, I looked up at the lockers next to me and tried to find the numbers past people’s heads. Continuing on when I hadn’t found my number, I bit down gently on my bottom lip. There were still two more floors and I really hoped that I wouldn’t be required to climb up stairs every morning to my locker.

I stood in thought for a moment. This was a lot more difficult than I had figured it was going to be. There were hundreds of other students and despite what people say about Canadians, none of these teenagers seemed too keen on being polite. I was shoved around as people tried to make their way through the crowded hallway. Falling against the lockers, I gasped. I watched as people kept walking by; at least I was safe where I was.

Twisting a dark curl around my finger, I tried to give myself the courage I needed to continue my search. Something rested on my shoulder, causing me to jump. Glancing back over my shoulder to see what it was, terrified that I was in someone’s way again, I was greeted by a kind smile and dark eyes. I regarded the boy who stood behind me for a moment. He had dark brown hair that was a bit long in the front, slightly covering his dark brown eyes. I was drawn into the smile for a moment before I realized he was speaking to me. I turned to fully face him. “I…I’m sorry?”

“I said, you look familiar,” the boy said, a soft laugh escaping his lips. “Let me think…What was your name…” He rustled his hair, giving me a chance to fully see his dark eyes. Beautiful dark eyes. “Carmen! Your name is Carmen Royale, right? I think you were in the same grade as my brother. Not in the same class though. I remember hearing about you getting kicked out of the elementary school.”

My breath caught in my throat. “I-I’m sorry. I think you have the wrong person.” I turned to make my escape, hoping to lose him in the crowded hallway. He watched me with a surprised look across his face. I looked away and ducked past a group of giggling girls on their cell phones.

How the heck had he recognized me? It had been eight years! I knew that I looked nothing like my eight-year-old counterpart.
---


My first class was Math, a class I could have done without. My mind kept wandering so the class went by fairly quickly and painlessly. My teacher was nice enough and no one in my class seemed to recognize me like that boy from before. I tried to keep my mind off of the encounter and up at the teacher who was explaining something about Algebra. But it was harder than I realized. I kept thinking of his dark eyes that watched me, instantly recognizing me.

I was lost in my thoughts when the bell finally rang. It took me a moment to realize, but once I saw people getting up to leave, I knew it was time for my next class. I opened up my timetable and saw that I had English next. I figured that would be a nice enough break to collect my thoughts and forget about this morning.

I slung my backpack’s strap onto my shoulder, heading out of the classroom door. This was the moment I had been dreading: trying to get through the crowd of loud students. I kept my head down and pushed through. I had to go up to the third floor to find my next class. As I turned toward the stairs, I bumped my shoulder into someone. I looked up for a moment, ready to apologize but then I realized who it was. I looked away and moved toward the stairs, quickening my pace.

“Wait. Please wait a moment,” the boy from before said, catching me by the arm. “I didn’t mean to bring up what must be a sensitive subject earlier. Please let me introduce myself. My name’s Richard,” he said, slipping his hand away from my arm.

I looked back at him for a moment before glancing around at the people who were wandering the hallway. I figured no one was paying attention. “Look,” I said, not liking being on the spot like he was forcing me to be. “I really think you have the wrong person. I mean, I have a cousin named Carmen too, our parents weren’t really creative so we ended up with-”

“Don’t tell me you’re bugging my cousin now,” a voice said, interrupting me; a voice that made me sigh with relief.

Ali.

Thank goodness.

I looked past Richard to see my younger cousin walk up to us. She pushed past a boy who was chatting on his cell phone and taking his time to walk down the hall. She had long, very light blond hair that almost seemed to shimmer in any kind of lighting. Her harsh light blue eyes watched Richard as she slipped next to me. Ali was three years younger than me and was just starting her first year in high school; this made me feel a little less alone. But it didn’t make me feel more comfortable in the new school. Over the last year, Ali had gotten herself a bit of a reputation. She was only thirteen and was already causing problems.

“I wasn’t trying to bug her,” Richard said, looking down at the younger girl who stood nearly two feet shorter than him. “I just recognized her.”

Ali shot me a quick look; she was well aware of how I felt about going to school. She had promised me that she would do everything she could to make sure that I didn’t have a rough time. “Are you sure you have the right person?” She asked, gazing back up at him.

“Oh, not you too.” Richard sighed. “Look, I know that this is the same Carmen I remember. I’m not an idiot.”

“No one is saying you’re an-” I was cut off as some of Richard’s classmates walked by and called out to him.

“Hey Richard! Don’t tell me you’ve set your sights on Icy there,” one said over to him with a laugh, nudging one of his friends next to him as he pointed at Ali. “You’ll just get your heart smashed to pieces.” They continued to laugh as they walked past us.

“Don‘t mind them,” Richard said, shaking his head. He watched his classmates walk away. “What?” He had noticed me shaking her head.

“I wouldn’t bother trying to make up for them calling her that, Ali enjoys it.” I nodded toward my cousin, who was beaming from ear to ear. Over the last year Ali had gained quite a few admirers and soon she was well known for turning everyone down. They began to call her Icy because of how she turned all those guys down.

“Now, what were we talking about?” Ali asked, coming back to reality. “Oh right! You were harassing Carmen.”

“Ali!” I groaned. “He wasn’t harassing me! He just recognized me. That’s all.” I caught my mistake a moment too late. I carefully glanced up at Richard, who stood with a triumphant look upon his face.

“I knew it,” Richard said, crossing his arms, the grin not leaving his face. “You are the same girl.”

“Okay, so what if I am?” I asked him, exasperated by his persistence. “You can’t go around and tell people. I wanted this to be a chance for me to turn over a new leaf. To try and be normal and forget about the past.”

“Alright,” Richard said with a laugh, his lips forming a kind smile. “That was all you had to say. I’m not like those other guys who relish in gossip and making people feel insignificant.”

“Really? You won’t tell anyone?” I asked him, finding my voice gaining a little bit of strength. “Because, that would be absolutely amazing.”

“You have my word,” Richard said, his smile managed to charm me for a split second before the bell rang. “Well, I should be off. Maybe I’ll see you around,” he said, giving us a half wave before disappearing into the crowd.

“Well, I think you made a friend,” Ali said, nudging me as I stood watching where Richard had disappeared.
Last edited by Sammich on Tue Jan 04, 2011 1:52 am, edited 1 time in total.
"'Ford," he said, "you're turning into a penguin. Stop it.'"
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First of all, welcome to YWS! I'm sure you'll like it here. ^^

So, umm... what should I say? This was very well written, it had no gramatical issues, you showed instead of telling, and the pacing was great. Carmen seems realistic enough to be an actual person, and even though I'm a guy, I enjoyed the story. You've built the plot so that now you can basically continue this any way you could possibly want, which is a useful skill. I have no real complaints about this what-so-ever, and yeah, it felt as if it should belong on a shelf in a store.

Sorry, this turned out to be quite the useless review, but I couldn't spot anything wrong worth noting, so I guess it's just a good thing. :)
Keep writing!

Yours truly,
|WaitingForLife|
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
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Hello :) Found you on the "Welcome Mat" page so thought I'd read and review.

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” I heard Mom sigh. “You know what could happen if we let her go back.”

“Becca, Sweetie,” Dad said. “She’s sixteen now. And we’ve helped her since what happened. I’m sure she can hold her own now.”


The way you are not going into detail about what actually happened leaves the reader in the dark which makes the reader want to move on and read more. This is really effective.

“What’s the verdict, Sheriff?” I asked, wanting to get straight to the point.


I like the element of humour here - "Sheriff"



There was still another half an hour before the first bell that would signal that the first day of school had started. It was the first day of school for me in eight years and I found myself almost unbearably nervous. I glanced up at the three story school that loomed overhead. I gulped. This was something I had been dreaming of and now I found myself unable to move. I listened to the people around me, clustered in their little groups of friends. I tried to pin point on a fashion trend that I could possibly follow so I could maybe make some friends; but everywhere I looked, it was like everyone had some different style going on. From different bold hair colors to piercings everywhere. The clothes consisted of mostly ripped pants and tights and lots of studs. But there was also a lot of skirts and bright shirts with sayings on them.


This whole paragraph has been very well presented. You really bring out your characters nerves and how unsure she is. The lexis is great!

My teacher was nice enough and no one in my class seemed to recognize me like that boy from before had.


I don't think the word "had" is needed at the end. So It would just read: My teacher was nice enough and no one in my class seemed to recognize me like that boy from before. Just a suggestion.


“Don’t tell me you’re bugging my cousin now,” a voice said, interrupting me; a voice that made me sigh with relief.


Great introduction to the character!

Ali. Thank goodness.


I like the sentence structure here - but maybe you could add more spaces so it looks like this:

Ali.

Thank goodness.



“Well, I think you made a friend,” Ali said, nudging me as I stood watching where Richard had disappeared.


The ending is great!

Overall the chapter is great! There is nothing I can really notice thats wrong with it bar the points ^. I enjoyed reading it and liked how we were kept in the dark. The story could take on any path as you haven't really set a plot which is a useful skill. I was also immediately drawn to the character of Ali.

-Rachel.
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Hello, Sammich! I love your username, by the way; it reminds me of how I used to say 'sandwich' when I was a kiddo.

Alright. To begin, I would like to look at your first line.

Sammich wrote:Bacon and scrambled eggs, a simple breakfast, was a Wednesday morning tradition in my household.


Personally, I did not feel that the opening line drew in the reader as much as it could. Honestly, if you went and visited Barnes & Noble and picked up a book off of the Young Adult section to find that the first line talked about eggs and bacon, would you buy it? I wouldn't, but that's just me -- I don't quite like beginning with any of the following: food, rain, conversation. For example, I prefer first lines that really jump out and grab you. I find that talking about eating and food doesn't present enough excitement to the reader to encourage them to read further.

For example, your story then goes on to be about this mysterious event. I might even start the book with a prologue to show this mystery event, because that would most definitely catch the reader's attention. A certain beginning line I like from Heist Society by Ally Carter, a surprisingly decent read, is:

No one knew for certain when the trouble started at the Colgan School.


This first line draws the reader in. They want to know about the troubles, and a problem is immediately presented, as well as the location being set. And that's just the first sentence. There aren't any bacon and eggs and thus, there is room to state a problem/location/etc. I suggest rethinking about how you start.

Sammich wrote:“I don’t think this is a good idea,” I heard Mom sigh. “You know what could happen if we let her go back.”

“Becca, Sweetie,” Dad said. “She’s sixteen now. And we’ve helped her since what happened. I’m sure she can hold her own now.”


Alright. This "what happened" thingamajig pops up a lot in the story, and you create a type of cliffhanger by not telling us what it is. But, the thing is, I can't understand why she should not be going back and why they are so hesitant if you don't at least explain this "tragic" event. It seems like something bad, but I cannot be sure. Also, this means later on when the boy [Richard] recognizes her at high school, I cannot understand how bad that is. For all I know, she could have been expelled for just punching a boy, or she could have murdered someone. See? I have no idea, so I will not know if I should sympathize with her or not. I don't have any idea how big the problem is.

Sammich wrote:It was the first day of school for me in eight years and I found myself almost unbearably nervous. I glanced up at the three story school that loomed overhead.


Alright. This is misleading. It's not her first day of school in eight years -- she was a homeschooler during that time, yes? I understand what you were trying to say, however. Instead, just say it was her first day of public school in eight years. That makes more sense to the reader.

Overall

Now, my first thought after reading this story was that you had a very good start, and at least had an issue presented. Your characters were introduced, too, at least the main ones who will probably play the biggest part in the story (duh). The issue was this old accident-thing at her old school, and she was seemingly kicked out/dropped out. I am really not sure. But, the thing was, she did not want to be recognized by other students, and then you even presented some conflict with Richard recognizing her. I like conflict. Lots of it.

One of the major issues I found was the fact that I never did sympathize with the character when Richard recognized her. I was surprised, because eight years changes people (they grow up), but, still. Like I said earlier, I am not sure if what she did before was bad, or even a reason to want to stay unrecognized. And that's a slight issue right there. You want me, or any reader, to sympathize with the main character when she's in trouble, because...well, the reader loses interest otherwise. Like, why do I care if he recognizes her? I don't even know what she did, for Pete's sake. She could have stolen, I just don't know. And does what she did have to do with him at all? :o

Another issue I found is that I still don't completely understand your main character's personality. She seems like a worrywart, then somewhat spoiled, and then kind, and then she starts lying...and then she excepts people she originally avoided. Multiple Personality Disorder. Do you even know her personality? She changes a lot, that's for sure, which leads me to think she's a bit moody, but brainy, too. I just cannot be sure, though, because whenever her personality shines through, it's different each time. D:

Overall, this was definitely somewhere to start. You did a great job introducing all, or at least most, of the characters that would/will come into play in later installments of this novel(la). There are some definite things I do wish you'd work on, though. For one, I would like you to consider the possibility of putting in an attention-catching prologue describing this accident at her old school. Secondly, you need to work on your opening line, as it doesn't really get me interested at the moment. Also, work on on getting me to sympathize with your main character. Right now, I really don't feel like I know your MC. Still, nice start. Please PM me when you post a future part/chapter, as I would be delighted to review.

Have a g'day,
Mizzle
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Because after all, those wings will take you up so high."
-- Owl City, "To the Sky"
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I actually have quite a few nitpicks, but overall this is quite good. Sorry it's so long, I'll change the colors to make it interesting.

~I liked how in the beginning you wouldn't tell us exactly what happened when she got kicked out of school. It creates tension. But I'm not a huge fan of the first sentence.

~I think the whole part talking about clothes is unnecessary. You can integrate clothing with actions characters may be doing, like tugging at the bottom of her pink shirt, or putting her hands inside her jeans pockets, but the way it is in your story right now is just unneeded infodump.

~When you mention Canadians, it caught me off guard. Maybe you could mention how she lives in Canada in one of the earlier scenes.

~To be honest, nothing in this part really happened until the brown haired boy came along. Maybe you could either add more action or cut some of your other descriptions out and focus more on when he shows up. Does she think he's attractive? Does she think he looks like a jerk? Does his touch enchant her? (If it does, please use a word other than "enchant"...)

“Is something the matter?” He asked me before he took a sip of his coffee.

Here, "he" should not be capitalized. There are a few other instances where you do this.


“Then.” Dad turned and picked up the coffee pot. “I don’t see why not...

After "then" and "pot" should be commas, not periods.


She held her tattered pink bunny stuffed animal that she had had for as long as I could remember.

I think it would be better as "pink stuffed bunny" instead of "pink bunny stuffed animal."


My first reaction was to freeze when I realized just how busy a high school was.

What? This is confusing.


I stood in thought for a moment.

This is a little awkward. Perhaps "I stood still for a moment, thinking/pondering/wondering/etc."


My first class was Math, a class I dreaded every single time was I forced to take it. Luckily, it went by fairly quickly and painlessly.

How on earth would it go by fairly quickly and painlessly if she was dreading it for so long? Was it because she wasn't paying any attention at all? Was it all review? Or is that not really how you thought the math class would go?

This was the moment I had been dreading: trying to get through the crowd of loud students.

Wow, she seems to be dreading quite a bit (word choice?).


“I didn’t mean to bring up what must be a sensitive subject earlier. Please let me introduce myself. My name’s Richard,” he said, slipping his hand away from my arm.

From what I understand about conversations in high school hallways, nobody's that wordy when it's so loud. Also, unless you have a good reason for it that will be revealed later, I doubt Richard is that intuitive.


She was only thirteen and was already causing problems.

Unless she's young for her grade (Skipped a grade? You should explain why) or the school has both middle school and high school (generally grades 6-12), people turn fourteen in 8th grade, before high school
.

“He wasn’t harassing me! He just recognized me. That’s all.” I caught my mistake a moment too late.

If she was trying so hard to hide her identity, she wouldn't have made such a careless mistake, unless she's an airhead.
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This is an extremely good story. I liked how you didn't take time to explain who she was and what she was like you just let it flow. You might want to be a little more descriptive because there wasn't much description to the characters or the setting. Their wasn't much adjectives in it that much so I had absolutely no idea what anything was like. But other then that it was a very good story.




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Hiya! :D

I really like this so far. It was very smooth from beginning to end; I didn’t get bored, and I wasn’t distracted by bad grammar or anything, so awesome job with that.

Others reviewers have said that the beginning line is too boring. I personally didn’t have a problem with it, but if you want to add a little more suspense at the beginning you could try starting it at this part:

“I don’t think this is a good idea.” I heard Mom sigh. “You know what could happen if we let her go back.”

“Becca, Sweetie,” Dad said. “She’s sixteen now. And we’ve helped her since what happened. I’m sure she can hold her own now.”
After saying that, maybe you could explain how you were listening in secretly from the outside of the door. Then you can backtrack from there, explaining how she had asked them about attending private school yada yada. Well, that’s just an option I thought of to fix the ‘dull’ beginning line.

I thought your character was very believable and relatable. There’s nothing that really makes her stand out, but then again you don’t want to make her seem too weird. So I’d say you’re safe, at least for the beginning, but make sure you keep adding to her character throughout the story so that she doesn’t seem bland.

Your other character introductions were very well done, I thought. I loved Ali’s, I thought that hers was really clever. And you made Richard seem sweet enough without going overboard, which is what I think you were going for.

There were only a few things that tripped me up
1) Ali’s age/grade. I started high school when I was 13 too, being one of the youngest in my grade. But unless you say she was young to be in the high school, everyone will assume that all the 9th graders are about 13 years old. It could confuse some people
2) I can’t really believe that she was recognized by Richard when she arrived at the school. I mean, think of it. You said the hallways were crowded and busy, how could he have gotten a good enough look? It’s been eight years, and people change. Also, this kid wasn’t even in the same class as her, he said so himself. He never even said that he’d seen her before, only that “I remember hearing about you getting kicked out of the elementary school”. Unless you have a good explanation for this later on, I would find a way to make this more believable.

Well, that’s all I’ve got. I really loved the story, so if you wouldn’t mind, could you let me know when/if you’ve posted more? I’d really appreciate it.
Have a nice day! :)
~blacksheep
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The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
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Since a couple people have asked this, Ali is thirteen because the school system I am familiar with, there is a school for K-grade 7 and then the high school which is grade 8-12. But now that I think about it, I really should specify!
"'Ford," he said, "you're turning into a penguin. Stop it.'"
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Though I've noticed several other reviewers making comments about the first line, I quite like it. I don't know whether it was on purpose or not but it seems to me that you're trying to show a change from a somewhat boring life to a new and more exciting one as the novel starts.

One part I have an issue about is how Richard recognizes Carmen. After all, she doesn't seem to have any recollection of this character at all. Plus it would be extremely difficult to notice anyone familiar in such busy hallways. My own friends have yelled at me because I walk past them without noticing. I just thought I'd make a point on that.

The other would be about the sudden introduction of the setting being in Canada. It surprises the reader and disturbs the flow of your writing, which is quite good by the way.

Well, other than that I can't detect anything else that needed major adjustments. I think I'll be keeping up with this novel. :)
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