Blue Blood Waters

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Okay, so I haven't written fantasy for a very long time, so I hope you guys like it. Feel free to rip it to shreads!

Prologue:
Caldara, 2000

A scream of fear shattered the air, blending in with the raging winds and pelting rain. Among the dark and evil woods, there was a woman running, running for her country, her freedom, for her hope, and for her life.

Six men, covered in green, blue, and silver paints that were slowly rubbing off, persued the woman, spotting her white dress and skin in the dark with ease, her flaming red hair a swirl behind her.

The men widened their strides and quickly began to catch up with the woman. One of the men reached out with his fading blue hand and snatched the woman by her hair.

Letting out a yelp of pain, the woman stopped running, clutching her now bleeding head.

"Let go of me!" She yelled, her voice muffled by the screeching wind.

Blood ran down her head and stained the skin on her pointed ears and the white cloth of her dress.

She hit and clawed at the men that surrounded her, paint gathering beneath her nails and rubbing onto her hands.

The leader of the group grabbed her roughly by the shoulders and shook her "Where is she!"

"I do not know who you talk of!" She said, trying her best to keep her neck from flopping around.

"I know you do!" The man yelled in her face, griping her shoulders tighter.

"Now tell me where your daughter is!" He said, leaving red fingerprints on the woman's arms.

Trying her best to refrain from allowing the pain to creep onto her face, she spat in the man's face.

"I will never tell you where she is! You will never find her, my daughter! You could scower the entire world, and you will never find her! Never, not in a million years! You can look for her, your son can look, your great great grandson can look, and none of them will ever find her!"

Angered, the man grabbed the woman by her neck tightly and warned "I'm giving you one last chance, my Queen. Tell me, where is the princess!?"

The Queen's eyes softened, and she said so softly she could barely be heard through the wind "I hope you die a miserable death in attempt to find her. I hope you and your men burn to ashes. I hope you get your head sliced from your shoulders."

Then, surprising everyone there, she snatched the knife from the man's belt and plunged it into her chest.

Falling to the ground, her mouth began to cough up blood.

The man, infuriated, yelled "You idiot!"

The woman let out a joyful laugh, and she said "This way-"

She coughed, blood pouring from her mouth, and she continued "This way, you cannot use me to get to her."

She took in a sharp breath, winced in pain, and her final breath leaked from her lips as her blue eyes grew blank and her face went slack.

With a shout of anger, the man unsheathed his sword and brought it down on the woman's neck, severing it from the rest of her graceful body.

Grabbing the Queen's head by her red hair, he thrust it at one of his men "See to it that this makes it to her castle, a warning to anyone who might be there."

"A warning for what?" The man asked, turning the head in his hands.

The leader's green eyes glinted and he gave an evil grin "A warning, that we are coming for their new queen."

With that, he thrust his sword through the prior Queen's body, pinning it to the slippery ground pooled with blood.


Earth, 2015

My green eyes snapped open, pain searing through my head. My ears felt as if they were set on fire. Whimpering, I flinched from the pain.

My white finger went up to my ears, pushing aside the red curls. The point was starting to come back. Only ever on the night before my birthday does it happen, but it goes away by morning.

Closing my eyes, I tried my best to surpress the pain. Biting down on my lip until it bled, the pain slowly began to suside and I slowly fell back to sleep.

I awoke that morning, screaming from both the pain that still remained in my ears and from the nightmare.

Sobs shook my body, remembering the evil green eyes sparkling in the middle of green paint. That, of course, scared me. But what frightened me the most was the woman behind him, pinned to the ground with a sword, her white dress bloody, her head missing, being clutched by another man's silver hands.

So many times I have had that dream, so it was not the actual image that scared me. It was the fact that I felt so compasion for that woman, so much hurt for her death. There was also the fact that she shared my flaming red hair and her ears were pointed, just like mine are once a year.

My fingers wandered up to my ears, and my body shook with shock. The pain had gone away, but the point remained.
Last edited by fictionfanatic on Sun Dec 19, 2010 4:59 am, edited 1 time in total.
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So I LOVE the direction that this story is heading! The plot is fantastic and you should tell me as soon as you've posted more! :D
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Oh, figure I should mention that by Blue Blood, I don't mean rich people. I mean that as in a race of people, the men painted in green, blue, and silver. I hadn't realized that Blue Blood meant rich people until I was telling my mother about this today and she asked me why I was writing about rich people and water. Haha.

So yeah, Blue Blood is the race of people, not rich people
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I love this! I honestly can't find grammar mistakes in this. I love some of the particular traits, like instead of her ears being abnormally pointed, it points once a year. Keep writing!!
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Yo fiction! Grammar was great and I love the direction this is going in! My only thing is that this should be longer. it seems a bit short. You need to explain a bit more in the prologue and I'm kind of curious about this "Caldara" place. Also even the contents of it are a bit small.Why is there no other title beside BLUE BLOODS. Where is the chapter one or prologue on the title? Anyway, can't wait for more. Contact me!
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I like the way it's written. I also like the pace of the action. It could use with a little more description, but that's just my point of view.

I would indeed like to know more about Caldara. It's another planet, right? Seeing as you have "Caldara", and then "Earth" in the second part of it.

Other than that, can't wait to read more!
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Hey there! Pink here, dropping by for a short review.

It seems like you totally leap into your story here without really giving us some background information or anything. We don't have a solid understanding of your characters nor do we have some time to take in the scene or what's really going on and it makes me a bit confused with what is happening. You might want to try slowing down a little and give us a better opener and some sort of introduction to what's going on.
Angered, the man grabbed the woman by her neck tightly and warned "I'm giving you one last chance, my Queen. Tell me, where is the princess!?"

You also have a problem with proper dialogue punctuation. Take a moment to go back and study comma rules and all with dialogue and quotes because it'll make your writing look more professional and you might get more reviewers this way. If we know that you know what you're doing then reviewers will more likely come read your story. Now, right here there should be a comma after warned. Also the !? should be ?!.

I like how this fast forwards the future and all, it's kind of interesting. Your story is a bit fast paced, usually I like fast paced stories but you have to learn that faster paced stories means less description but good, solid description and explanation that can easily give out information without feeling too wordy. Keep writing!

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Hullo! *waves* I really liked this and the way you wrote it. I would love to read more and while there isn't much I found that might need editing or fixing, there were a few simple mistakes.

"I do not know who you talk of!" She said, trying her best to keep her neck from flopping around.


Perhaps you mean, "I do not know who you speak of!" You also have sentences that don't make sense as paragraphs and could probably be put into larger paragraphs with other sentences.
I hope that makes sense..In all though, there's not much I can say that hasn't already been said. I hope this helps you a little bit. Keep writing, I want to read more from you. :)


Oh, and perhaps you should try reading your story out loud to yourself, to see what makes sense and what doesn't. I know it helps me and it might help you. Have fun and keep writing! ^^
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Hiya Fiction! Luxy here. This was great! I loved the plot, the characters, everything. There were only a couple of minor grammar mistakes that I saw, but again, very minor. They didn't distract from the story at all. Excellent work my friend :D PM me when there's more!
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Okay. I can't think of much to critique actually. I liked the plot directoin, even though fantasy isn't normally my forte. But I do actually like it. There's just a few things to change.
1. When the Blue Blood yelled "You idiot!" at the queen. That's doesn't seem to fit. "You fool!" Just seems to fit the way they are speaking better.
2. Her reaction to the dream. I don't get why she's so upset. I think there was a spelling error that confused me. I think you meant to say compasion. But, of course, if you say that you'd feel sorry for her. It makes a lot more sense if you say something like, she felt like she knew the woman or she felt like she knew the place or even she felt like the men were talking about her.
ALSO!
The ear thing. It just felt werid, like "Oh my ears turn into elf things no big whoop." It's like, HUH?
And, also, develop the main character more. Make her mindset sarcastic, or hopeful or something. I couldn't get into her head very well, she just felt like a character I had read a million times. Make her unique!
All in all, just remember grammer check, spelling check, and keep it up!
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