Exile's Blade (chapter one- Reunion)

Author's note: This is what I started to write for NaNo this year. It's unfinished, and all of the chapters I'm going to be post (which isn't a lot ) are unedited. I don't really want in depth critiques for it at this point because...well, I've basically given up on the -plot- for this story, but I'm trying to find the right one for the three/four main characters (Thalia, Grim, Tyren, and possibly Fenix). At this point I would call any of the chapters I post from it an...exercise in character development. I wouldn't call this a short story but it's not intended to be a novel any more either, so...anyway. Enjoy. ^_^

Random note: and I will proudly admit that the name Thalia was inspired by having read the Percy Jackson books and loving that name. XD

Exile's Blade
Chapter One
Reunion

Thalia Arevelle woke up with sweat pouring down her face and her breathing heavy. She looked around, her eyes adjusting to the dark as she began remembering where she was- laying against the base of a tree in an open clearing. She looked to her left where Grimoire Reyes, swordsman for hire and the closest thing Thalia had to a friend, sat on a log close to a campfire as he kept watch. In his left hand he held a long stick that he used to casually poke at the fire. In his right, he held a pipe up to his mouth that he took a puff from before lowering it.

Thalia reached up to run a hand through her hair. The dream she'd just woken up from had been haunting her mind for the past three nights. It was always the same: a throne room slowly beginning to burn. Then it would change, and she'd see a figure chained up in a cell. The dream would change again and this time she would see a simple sword that she recognized all too easily: the sword belonging to the Elrian heir.

"Are you alright?”

Thalia's thoughts ended when she heard Grim speak, concern in his voice. She looked up and was surprised to see him kneeling next to her, his eyebrows coming together. She was even more surprised when she saw him slowly reach his hand toward her and placed it on her shoulder.

Grimoire was not a normally affectionate man. Like Thalia, he seemed to keep to himself about most things and did not normally step out of character as he just had. Thalia had only been traveling with him for about eight months and they were far from being best friends.

The fact that they both kept to themselves about their pasts seemed to be one of the few things that they had in common. While Thalia stood at an average height for a girl her age of twenty, Grim, who was four years older, towered over her at above six feet and had the muscles that her slim shoulders did not; Thalia's deep red hair fell down to her mid-back while Grim's dark short trimmed hair only came to just above his shoulders when he let it out of the ponytail he wore it in. Grim was an expert swordsman and Thalia was just trying to survive while escaping the past. So far, it had worked . . . other than that dream she'd had. They were opposites in a lot of ways, but they seemed to work together despite it.

"I . . . yes. I just had a strange dream,” Thalia replied, averting her eyes so she wouldn't have to make eye contact.

"These 'strange dreams' seem to be a common occurrence lately. Anything you wish to talk about?” Grim asked, lowering his hand from her shoulder.

Thalia shook her head slowly; talking tended to lead to stories about the past, which meant going down a dangerous road for her. It was not a road she intended to travel any time soon.

"No, it's nothing,” she answered. She looked back over to the fire and saw the steaming pot that waited for them. "What's that you're cooking? I'm starved.”

Thalia glanced up at him and could tell that he suspected she wasn't telling the truth but was, thankfully, deciding not to press it. He stood up to his towering height and offered a hand to help Thalia up.

"Stew,” Grim answered. "Figured you might be getting hungry.”

Thalia took the outstretched hand and stood. She let go of Grim's hand and walked over to the fire and stew that waited for her. Grim followed, picking the pot up and beginning to spoon out some of the stew onto two plates, handing one to Thalia. The two ate in silence, Thalia staring into the flames and Grim staring up at the stars.

Thalia finished eating and set her plate aside, continuing to watch the dancing flames before her. She stretched her arms out and opened her palms so they faced the fire and she could feel its heat. Her hands were gloved, but they were thin enough that she could easily feel the fire's heat.

Grim finally stood after a while and looked down at her. "Your turn to keep watch. Wake me if anything happens.”

Thalia nodded, watching as he walked away and toward a different tree from the one she'd chosen earlier. It was already pretty late into the night and Thalia knew that Grim would want to make an early start.

Thalia didn't have much in the way of belongings. When she'd left her home, she'd had very little time to grab anything outside of the essentials, since she knew one thing: she had no intention of ever returning. She had the cloak on her back for warmth, a simple dagger for protection, and . . .

She flexed her fingers, glancing up and toward where Grim lay quietly snoring. Seeing that there was no chance of him waking any time soon, she flexed her fingers again, concentrating as she watched the fire before her. A few seconds later, the fire changed its shape for a quick moment. Thalia barely allowed a smile as the fire returned to its normal state, as though nothing had happened.

She thought back to the dream she'd had. She could easily try to piece the scenes together, but there was a part of her that knew better, and didn't want to piece them together. She didn't know why she was suddenly having these dreams, but she did know one thing:

She could never go home.

Several hours passed. Thalia lay on a bedroll, staring up at the sky. The stars had begun fading from the sky and the pink shaded clouds had started to appear, telling her that soon the sun would begin making its appearance.

Her eyes started to drift closed when she heard voices nearby. Quickly she sat up, her eyes wide as she reached toward her side where she kept the dagger, her fingers wrapping around the handle. She looked over at Grim, who was too far from where she sat to be able to alert without also alerting those who approached.

Thalia stood slowly, waiting for them to come closer so that she could play dumb and send them on their way. As they approached, she noticed they were all wearing cloaks with their hoods pulled up. When they got closer, one of them pulled their hood back and Thalia's breath caught in her throat.

It's not possible. It couldn't be. How did they find her?

The three figures stopped as they watched Thalia slowly walk over to her. Thalia's heart pounded fast in her chest, a million questions racing through her mind.

"What . . . what are you doing here?” She kept her voice low. Her eyes drifted toward Grim, who was still sleeping, before looking back at the newcomers.

"What, we don't get a "hello” first?” asked the man who'd pulled his hood back.

Thalia glared at him and had to literally bite her lip as she thought of how to respond to that question without waking Grim. He'd told her to wake him if anything happened, but . . . she didn't intend to tell him about this if she could help it. Hopefully by the time he even woke up, they'd be gone and she could forget they'd even found her.

With a tilt of her head, Thalia indicated that she wanted the three to follow her. She didn't know who the other two were yet, but if Fenix was here she could think of a few possibilities as to who the other two were.

"What are you doing here, Silas?” Thalia asked.

"We came to find you. You're not an easy person to find,” Silas replied with a small grin.

Thalia rolled her eyes impatiently. "There's a reason for that, you know. How did you find me?”

One of the other two figures pulled their hood back as Thalia asked this. He was the taller of the two and had short red hair and the start of a goatee, with deep green eyes. A small scar that looked fresh ran from the side of his nose to the right corner of his lips.

Thalia stared at the redhead and didn't even look at the third companion, her eyes widening. The man smiled softly and Thalia had to keep herself from gasping too loudly as she looked at her twin brother for the first time in seven years.

"Tyren,” Thalia whispered.

Without saying anything more, Thalia stepped toward her brother and hugged him tightly. She felt Tyren wrap his arms around her and return the tight hug. Thalia cried quietly into his cloak, her face hidden as the siblings held each other and Tyren quietly soothed her, slowly rubbing her back.

Thalia pulled back after a moment, tears streaming down her cheeks as she looked up at her brother. "I . . . I don't understand. Why did you come looking for me?”

"Is there a problem, Thalia?” Grim's voice asked.

Thalia turned around to see Grim standing behind Silas with a sword point at Silas's back. Silas had raised his hands slowly to show that he meant no harm. Thalia quickly reached up to wipe her tears, not wanting Grim to see that she'd been crying.

"No, there's no problem. Grim, there are some people I'd like you to meet,” Thalia replied. She nodded, letting him know it was okay to lower the sword. When he did so, she looked at Silas, then at Tyren.

"This is my twin brother, Tyren. The one you were just holding your sword to is Silas, my brother's friend. And this is . . .” Thalia suddenly realized she didn't know who the third person with her brother was. "Who are you?”

The figure pulled his hood back and Thalia saw the face of a man she'd never forget: Fenix Amaros, captain of the Elrian guards.

"Hello, Thalia,” Fenix greeted.

Thalia tightened her hands into fists as she looked at Fenix before looking back at Grim, who'd moved to stand next to Silas.

"Grim, I think there are some things I need to tell you,” Thalia said.

far from being best friends

I would say 'far from being close' or 'close friends' because you had said earlier that he was the closest thing Thalia had to a friend, and they are simply not affectionate people. Close makes more sense in the story.

his eyebrows coming together

While I understand this phrase, some other readers might not. You might want to change it for clarificiation, but it's definately not a priority.

While Thalia stood at an average height for a girl her age of twenty, Grim, who was four years older, towered over her at above six feet and had the muscles that her slim shoulders did not; Thalia's deep red hair fell down to her mid-back while Grim's dark short trimmed hair only came to just above his shoulders when he let it out of the ponytail he wore it in.

While I love this sentance and the detail in it, it becomes a little bit of a hassle to comprehend all of the detail in it because it's so long and detail-packed. Maybe split the information into two sentances.

Grim was an expert swordsman and Thalia was just trying to survive while escaping the past.

This feels like a planted bit of information. There's no link between the two details. It's like saying, "Pooh loved to eat hunny and scared Piglet was being chased by Owl." While it does work, it doesn't really sound right. Maybe if you said, "Grim was an expert swordsman and Thalia, with no expertise on swords of her own, instead worked on trying to survive while escaping her past." It's still a little choppy but makes a little more sense.

Thalia staring into the flames and Grim staring up at the stars.

While this definately works, try not to use 'staring' twice in one sentance. Just a note:)

She stretched her arms out and opened her palms so they faced the fire and she could feel its heat. Her hands were gloved, but they were thin enough that she could easily feel the fire's heat.

Try, "She stretched her arms out towards the fire and opened her gloved hands, feeling the heat warm her palms through the thin fabric." or something along those lines.

up and toward where Grim lay quietly snoring.

"Glancing towards Grim, who was quietly snoring."

She could easily try to piece the scenes together, but there was a part of her that knew better, and didn't want to piece them together.

Again, try not to use the same phrase twice, as it makes the sentance less fluent. take out the "and didn't want to..."

She could never go home.

DUH DUH DUUUUUUUUUUH! Suspense! I love it!

appear, telling her that soon the sun would begin making its appearance.

Instead of appearance, try 'would begin to show it's face', 'would soon rise', or 'would light up the sky'. Something like that:)

The three figures stopped as they watched Thalia slowly walk over to her.

This makes no sense. Walk over to who? They've both stopped, so who's walking?


This is AMAZING! I love your story! Your detail is inquisite, and I can really keep up with the story! Bravo! Brava! Keep me posted!

Taylor

Thank you for this feedback. I wasn't really looking for it, but I'm glad you pointed these things out to me so that if I ever somehow manage to go back to this project using the same plot, I'll have it for the rewrite.

Hey there JediKnightMuse!

Glad I got around to reading this! =D And also glad to see you back around YWS. As you're not really looking for feedback, I'll just talk about characters, in hopes that that will help you out a little. At least, I can give you character impressions from what I read here.

Thalia: well, she can't go home, for starters.Thalia seems pretty jumpy, like she has very bad relations with people back home. Yet, she's not at all scared of her brother. I still wonder why she had such a hostile reaction to Silas, if he was so clearly her brother's friend. She seems very trusting, or, if not trusting, then indifferent. The fact that she does not pry into Grim's past but instead just accepts it and travels with him presumably without knowing him first gives me that impression. I'm not sure how to read to her reaction to Silas and them. She's clearly worried enough that she wants to awaken Grim, but not worried enough that she knows she will need Grim's help and will sacrifice the potential to be overlooked for Grim's help in regards to fighting anyone off. That, and after she sees her brother, she drops her guard altogether. It's interesting.

Grim: Didn't see much of him, but I like his name. Despite Thalia's assertion that he is not affectionate, he seems very affectionate. From asking how she is to cooking, and she doesn't seem too, too surprised by his affection, which makes me think she's seen signs of it before now. I'm curious about his past. While Thalia never asks about his past, I have a feeling that if she only asked, he would talk to her. He seems very approachable. Also interesting.

Silas: Um, I like Silas. He has a sense of humor even in a tense situation. I don't know what to make of his relationship with Thalia yet, as she doesn't seem to trust or distrust him. Nevertheless, I like him. Out of all the characters here, he stands out and shines the most.

Tyren: Don't really know him yet. He's close to his twin sister! Silas is his best friend. He seems pretty passive, letting Silas address Thalia first, while clearly Thalia trusts him most of all of them.

Fenix: He's a threat. To Thalia, at least. Not sure what he's done/who he is. My first prediction would be a past lover, just by the way she seems to avoid him. I might also predict someone who's hunting her, but then he seems too amiable and Thalia seems too calm around him for that to be true. Not sure.

Anyways, these are just first impressions, of course! But I hope they help out a little as you're continuing to develop these characters!

I'm glad I came back, too. I missed this place.

Yet, she's not at all scared of her brother. I still wonder why she had such a hostile reaction to Silas, if he was so clearly her brother's friend.

Well, what you don't find out in this chapter (but you do find out in chapter two) is that she still trusts Tyren because he has nothing to do with why she doesn't trust anyone at home. She and Tyren were both exiled from their home (they're the prince and princess of Elrian) but Tyren was exiled seven years before this starts off. Thalia wasn't exiled until a year before this takes place, and Tyren wasn't around when she was exiled.

I still wonder why she had such a hostile reaction to Silas, if he was so clearly her brother's friend.

Mm, yeah...I think my initial reason for her reaction to either Silas or Fenix (I honestly can't even remember- it was something I decided as I was writing and it wasn't pre-planned) was that neither of them did anything to stop...I think it was Tyren's exile...especially Fenix since he's a captain of the guard.

Didn't see much of him, but I like his name.

Hehe, thanks. I don't think my actual intention was for Grim to seem very approachable, but he does have a soft side when it comes to Thalia (which is supposed to eventually become romantic). I think she's just a little oblivious as to how he treats her and the reasons behind it.

Um, I like Silas. He has a sense of humor even in a tense situation. I don't know what to make of his relationship with Thalia yet, as she doesn't seem to trust or distrust him. Nevertheless, I like him. Out of all the characters here, he stands out and shines the most.

I'm surprised that he stands out and shines the most for you, especially because he doesn't even say much in...any of the chapters I wrote so far, I don't think. Like...yeah. If anyone, I would expect that Tyren would stand out more (though I can see why you wouldn't see that in this chapter).

Don't really know him yet. He's close to his twin sister! Silas is his best friend. He seems pretty passive, letting Silas address Thalia first, while clearly Thalia trusts him most of all of them.

Haha, yeah, he is. It'll probably make a little more sense (I think/hope) when you read the part where they reveal what happened that got them exiled, but it's basically because of their exile that they're close...even though they were separated, they still have a bond.

He's a threat. To Thalia, at least. Not sure what he's done/who he is. My first prediction would be a past lover, just by the way she seems to avoid him. I might also predict someone who's hunting her, but then he seems too amiable and Thalia seems too calm around him for that to be true. Not sure.

Yeah, I think it's because she's angry with him for not being able to do anything when Tyren was exiled because he's the captain of the guard.

Thank you for this. The impressions really helped and put some things into perspective. You also made some good points, especially about Thalia. I would say this is just one version of her...I'm STILL trying to figure out a plot for most of these guys (I don't know if both Silas and Fenix will be in whatever I end up writing yet, but probably...though probably not their exact roles, either).

I know you want feedback on your characters, not your plot so I would like to point out that 6 feet tall isn't all that towering to a girl around 5 foot 6 inches. My dad is 6'2" and I'm not all that shorter than him and I'm 5'6" so maybe make her a tad shorter or him a bit taller. And I think that 8 months is far long enough for two people to become friends, if not best friends. But I guess it would be deficult if they both keep to themselves, though the way Grim seems to know she has odd dreams makes it see like they talk about that stuff whenever it happens. At the end it does kind of seem like they're close if she wants him to meet her brother... though I suppose its only common curtisey to introduse your family to someone you've been traveling with for 8 months. Well that was all I had to say. I'd love to read more and can't wait to read chapter 2.

I have to agree that within eight months they should be kind of close. Although otherwise, I like the plot (though I know you want to change that). The characters are good, they both have their secrets and readers will keep reading to find out what those secrets are. Here are some more things.
1. I like the opening, I was hooked because I wanted to know what the dream was about and why she was having it.
2. Descriptions are good. You described the characters and surroundings well.
3. The tone was mysterious (in a way). I wanted to know who the strange visitors were.
4. I think you might have repeated words every once in a while. I feel like I read the same word too many times in one sentence. The same with names.

Other than #4 , I love the way you write and I can't wait to read more.