Angel Wars Chapter 1

“You have disappointed me, Trystan,” Father of Trystan, King of the Dark angels, said behind his desk. Trystan hung his head low and bowed, his lip ring glistened and twinkled as the lamp caught it’s reflection.

“I am sorry father. I did not mean for this to happen.”

King Madd, and he is mad for sure, sighed and closed the portfolio of a Dark Angel’s profile. “There is no need for apologizing, my son,”

Trystan stood up straight and said, “But father, I was the one that let the Light Angel get away. I failed my task.”

“We will try again, no matter what son, we will. We will find out what those Light Angels are plotting.” King Madd said in disgust at the mention of the Light Angels.

“I have heard rumors around that the Light Angels are building a mass weapon to wipe us out because one of our angels have decided to spill the secret of our weakness.”

“Who is the angel?” King Madd was not certain but he opened the porfolio of the Dark Angel’s profile again. Name: Landon Sacke. Age: 14 Race: Dark Angel. Could it be this traitor?

“Landon Sacke. He has now joined the Light Angels.” Trystan responded.

King Madd shook his head, “It’s always the young ones. I want you to start recruiting the young ones, put them in training, I don’t want to lose any more. Now go, I have a meeting to attend to.”

Trystan placed his right hand over his heart and bowed, leaving the room, his black, red, and white feathered wings rustle softly against the air as he shut the door behind him.

King Madd sat in his chair in silence deep in thought. The Light Angels are recruiting other creatures, even his own, to join their side. If not too late, King Madd will know Trystan will recruit those young ones back and defend their rank.

“They think they can win this battle?” King Madd muttered, getting up from his chair and looking out the window where that huge black-gray wall divided the Light and Dark angels and other creatures separately. He then looked at the majestic, white and gold castle where the Light Angel’s king and queen was residing.

“Not if they taste my madness first.”

Line
Trystan stepped out of his father’s office study and walked to a place where there was an open view. He spread his huge wings out and flew down to the newly built battleground training camp and landed dead center where all of the young warriors were practicing.

“I need your attention!” Just that one sentence has gotten every warrior turned their attention to the Prince of the Dark Angels. Trystan looked over at the young warriors faces of every race ranging from vampires to trolls.

“I have news that one of our young warriors has decided to leave the Dark side and be with the Light Angels.”

Soft murmurs and conversations of shocked rang throughout the field.

“Now I may not be stupid like the young warrior who left us for them but I would never leave my warriors behind. We will train harder and fight harder so that we can win this battle and show them that Dark Angels and other noble creatures are stronger and better than the Light Angels! Let Mother Nature be on our side!”

The young warriors raised their swords and roared with approval.

“Now go and train and fight. We have a big battle to attend.” Trystan said, and spread his wings out and took flight to where his room was.

He landed on the balcony, opening the doors, leaving it wide open.

His lover, mistress, whatever you may call it was already on the bed, naked and waiting for him. Her long luscious blonde hair was tumbled in curls, covering her full breasts.

“I’ve missed you,” Daisy huskily said, and got up from his bed, wrapping his bed sheets around her body with no success at all since he saw a glimpse of her rosy pink nipple and her wide hips. Her tattoo that every Dark Angel women gets was seen on her wrist. A purple bird in flight.

“I’ve had a long day. Can you fix that?” Trystan said, giving her a wolfish grin.

“You know I always do,” Daisy mumbled, leaning against Trystan, wrapping her slender arms around his neck. The bed sheet tumbled down Daisy’s feminine body and pooled around her ankles, leaving Trystan many access. Trystan immediately grabbed her hips, bringing her up taller than him by and inch and kissed her fully on the lips.

Daisy responded with a moan, locking her ankles around Trystan’s hips to get closer to his hard on. Trystan led Daisy to the bed and laid her down gently. Daisy smiled up at the handsome young man’s unique gold eyes, stroking his tanned cheeks.

Line
Ehlena Salvitore, princess of the Light Angels, sighed sadly while leaning against the Victorian designed windows of her room. A soft breeze gently kissed her face and she closed her eyes, letting the breeze tickled her face and her black-brown hair.

“Why the long face, your highness?” Ehlena’s longtime maid and friend, Bethany. Ehlena sighed again, only this time heavier, as she leaned back against her chair. “I’m so bored, Bethany. Mother and father doesn’t let me go out because the Dark Angels might kidnap me. It’s not fair, I want to have some fun too.”

“Your Highness, your parents just wants you to be safe, after all you are um…” Bethany blushed and stopped mid-sentence.

“Adopted? It’s fine to say it, Bethany. I have no problem being the king and queen’s adopted daughter. I think the town people hate me,” Ehlena muttered, dropping her head on her arms.
“No, no, your highness, they love you. You charm everyone, it makes no difference if you’re adopted or not.” Bethany said, setting a silver tray down on the small table in front of Ehlena.

Bethany then picked up the silver tea pot and poured hot tea in one of the silver china cups. She then handed it to Ehlena, whom in returned, gulped it down quickly. “But Bethany, I’m stuck in here all day, everyday, and there’s nothing to do. I’ve already explored the castle, so I know it like the back of my hand. Met and chat everyone who works in here I know, and my brother doesn’t even want to talk to me.”

“Well, how about I talk to you?” Bethany offered.

“No, Bethany, you can take the rest of the day off. I think I’ll go for a little nap.” Ehlena faked a yawn, stretching to prove that she is rather sleepy. Bethany bowed and left the room, closing the double doors behind her.

Ehlena stroke her purple-white wings in thought. She had a plan. 1. She could escape from here. 2. She can escape to the South side of the Other World. 3. She can just take a nap since she really is tired.

Ehlena again looked out the window, watching as the warriors build a twenty foot machine that shoots arrows into the Dark Angel’s wings so they can die quickly. Ehlena wondered why they even built that useless thing since the Light Angels are also weak and can die if their wings were rip apart. But the only way to kill a Light Angel is shot through the heart.

Ehlena sighed again and poured herself another cup of tea, grimacing since the tea tasted horrible. She set the silver delicate cup down on the tray and decided to take a hot shower to relax. She stripped off her white dress and stepped in the steaming hot bathtub. Since Light Angels can not feel any max temperature, Ehlena felt no heat when she got in the tub. She leaned against the tub and sunk deeper, making sure her wings are soaked as well.

She closed her eyes and thought up a plan to escape from here. Soon, she drifted off to sleep.

I decided to post some of my favorite stories which I never continued. I hope you enjoy it because I had fun writing it. <3

I liked this. It was really good. I liked the imagry. You did a good job. Keep writing.

Hey Leilani, I'm Hawk and I'm here to review!

Well, this was an interesting start. I think this storyline could be quite successful; however, your narrative style lacks consistency, which hampers its potential for being a really good story.

One of the major issues I noticed is your change from past tense to present and back again. It throws the reader off and makes it seem like a disjointed jumble of scenes pieced together instead of a fluid, comprehensible work. You also don't seem to have a solid viewpoint of the scene; as the readers, we're just kind of left floating along while you point out different tidbits, instead of us watching the scene from a character's point of view. For example, look at this line:

King Madd, and he is mad for sure, sighed and closed the portfolio of a Dark Angel’s profile.

Notice how you break out of your narration to say the highlighted section? There's nothing wrong with the observation; I actually like it. However, you need to introduce it in a different way. Perhaps you could make Trystan reflect on the irony of his father's name and his current mood, instead of just blatantly stating it as the narrator. Remember, you're trying to write from a certain character's point of view, to really give us a window into their thoughts and let us grow attached to them.

Another issue I saw was your dialogue punctuation; I suggest you look at this link that explains just when to capitalize letters and where to place those tricky little commas.

Overall, I think you need to really check your work for inconsistencies, grammatical mistakes, and anything else that doesn't sound right. Reading your work aloud can really help with that; it'll show you where you need to insert different punctuation marks or delete extraneous words, etc. Take the first paragraph alone (I highlight in red and comment in blue):

“You have disappointed me, Trystan,” Father of Trystan, I think this would be more impressive-sounding if you reworded it to "Trystan's father," or something like that. This just seems abrupt and confusing as a first introduction. King of the Dark angels, said from behind his desk. Trystan hung his head low and bowed, Read this sentence aloud; there should be a natural pause at this point, which the comma can't properly convey, so use a semicolon ( ; ) here his lip ring glistened and twinkled as the lamp caught it’s its; you're using the possessive form, not the conjunction (it is). If you're ever not sure whether to use "it's" or "its," simply plug in "it is" and if it makes sense, then you use "it's." If not, then you use "its." reflection.

See how many of these nitpicks could be easily caught if you just read over it yourself and made sure to catch any errors?

Also--you have a tendency to tell the reader information instead of showing it through the storyline. Now, this is something a lot of writers (including yours truly!) struggle with, so here's another great link that describes the difference between the two and hopefully gives you some guidelines when it comes to showing versus telling.

So, I hope this review helps! Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions, comments, or whatnot.

Dear Leilani,

Allow me to introduce myself. I am The Written Chef; a master of both food and the pen to which imaginations may derive. Yah, too much, sorry!

Anyways, I have the bestowed honor of reading your novel part today and shall be sharing with you some enlightenment and critiques all the while trying to get over a dreadful cold. So I apologize if I seem off key or a little cranky; it's just that my head fills full of agony and such you know?

So let us hop to it, shall we?

Firstly, I'd like to start off by saying I'm a mix of things. I'll start with one topic within your story and probably travel somewhere else real fast. My apologies, again, for that. I'm a little ADD it seems, oh dear! So I was drawn to this title because I have always been fascinated with angels. They are marvelous, truly. And an angel war-like novel seemed absolutely tasteful to read for the evening.

They way you wrote this was rather 'smooth' you could say. It flowed very easily and I had no 'double takes' if you will, which is great! So bravo. However, I noticed the (Line) parts in your chapter which confused me at first until I ran into again later. I once read a novel about a pornstar becoming a nobody and befriending a lady who is too build statues of demons by God. She's kinda crazy I guess. It was really good, and like you he had many instances of using the 'Line' dividing parts. However, he used ( ***** ) to seperate the ideas. So perhaps, until you can draw a line on this site you could perhaps use those? That way confusion doesn't interupt the wonderful flow of your chapter.

Secondly, I must speak about the characters. I get the whole angel-esque appearance and all, but other than 'golden hair' and a 'lip ring,' I'm afraid haven't much to go on with the characters. This is not bad of course, because this allows the reader to imagine further so I sort of imagined Trystan as this punk rock type of angel (super sexy of course) which made me smile. Punk rock guys are the best! However, when he comes home to 'goldilocks' I'm afraid I was turned off a bit. Nothing biggy you know, just perhaps with the way his mistress was done you could have her question her alliance later. Yah, she is with mister badass, but her appearance is too sensual that perhaps she could fulfill somewhere else better in the future...perhaps a plot twist. IDK

Ranting, sorry!

Lastly, I'd love to say that other than the abrupt mispellings (which are few) it was a delight to read. It has much potential in the futher and I love how you are going about telling different sides of the book at once. Light and Dark. It keeps the reader on their toes, which is a good thing. I have forseen many "Blinding Light rays and Searing Pain plagues" in the future of this war. And I can't wait to gain the lovely details behind the magic of it all.

Way to go!

Sincerely,
The Written Chef

My review may not be as detailed as some of the others you have received but I wanted to let you know what I thought.
I really enjoyed the concept of Dark and Light Angels. I think it would have been an interesting story had you continued it.
Once I finished reading it, I found myself thinking of all the things that could have happened next.
If I may offer some advice, this is a wonderful story and I think that maybe you should think about writing more of it. I would read it if you did.
Thank you for taking the time to read this review.
Best wishes,