love of the game

Hi it's me kiki Aka sexy_babe97 here is my new story love of the game.I had this in my folder for a while and wanted to try it out tell me what you think love and kisses,
kiki~~~~~~~~~
Love of the game
Proluge
3 yrs ago...Ashlye Hernandias sat in her second period social studies class not really paying attention to the teacher ,then principal Jacobs shows up with a cute new student.Now ashlye is cute her self. But,she was more south Carolina cute that west viginia(were she lived and went to school at west Virginia high)she had light brown hair tall body,blue eyes ,golden brown skin and long legs witch is barley covered by her skirt.she was wearing a blue shirt and brown shoes. The girls at WVH had aburin hair short bodies and wore short shorts all year round.
Now back to Principal Jacobs and the cute boy.Ashlye studied the boy she heard earlier that he was purto rican.he had a light brown skin tone .now Ashlye was an exspert when she can guess someones ethnicity so she can tell.short hair,nice buff body.and he is freshman.aeropostal shirt,shorts,and jordans.Ashlye insTantly liked him " hello students today you have a new student he came all the way from north dacoda .his name is Andrew mc'dunkin.I hope one of you would like to show him around." Ashlye shot her hand up so high she almost hit the person next to her."um Ashlye why don't you help."she said
When Andrew went to go take a seat he sat next to Ashlye she practically screamed.after class Andrew went up to ashlye and asked"um you'er suppose to be my tour guide for the day?"he said with a smile on his face."why yes I'am as a matter of fact.Don't eat the tocos you'll feel like you have an alfull virus and if you have ms. o'delly she'll give anyone a passing grade If you compliment her pilgrim like clothing."then Andrew did the unthinkable.He took Ashley's hand and walked down the hall asking "do you want to be my girlfriend?" Ashley was stund she didn't know what to say she just stammered"y-y-yes."she said smiling.
~~~~so what do you love or hate it think I should change it tell me what you think love and kisses,
kiki~~~~~

Hey, Welcome to the YWS. I'm Wicked Wonder

Firstly, there were way too many grammar and spelling mistakes and that made it hard to concentrate.
Just proof read it. I've taken an example of your text to show you what I mean

When Andrew went to go take a seat he sat next to Ashlye she practically screamed.Space after the period,capilitize the first word of your nextsentance after. class Coma Andrew went up to ashlye and askedStart a new paragraph when anyone says anything."um you'er suppose to be my tour guide for the day?"Spacehe said with a smile on his face.
Indent when you start a new paragraph"why yes I am as a matter of fact.Don't eat the tocos you'll feel like you have an alfull virus and if you have ms. o'delly she'll give anyone a passing grade If you compliment her pilgrim like clothing."then Andrew did the unthinkable.He took Ashley's hand and walked down the hall asking "do you want to be my girlfriend?" Ashley was stund she didn't know what to say she just stammered"y-y-yes."she said smiling.

Next, your ending seems highly unprobable, which is to say, impossible. There is a very small sliver of a chance he'd ask her out like that after they've been talking for, like, three seconds. THats highly unlikely. Look it over. Make it more realistic.

I think thats it.
And dont be turned off or hurt by my frank manner. I'm just harsh becuase i care.
~WickedWonder

As Wicked Wonder pointed out, there are quite a few grammatical and spelling mistakes that can be easily fixed. If you aren't very good with that sort of thing, try having a friend or family member proof read it for you. Don't forget to start a new paragraph after someone new starts to speak! I got confused pretty easily.

This story is basically all tell and no show. Instead of saying "then principal Jacobs shows up with a cute new student.Now ashlye is cute her self." Try describing to the reader how the characters are cute. For example: "His curly blond hair sat perfectly over his icy blue eyes." That is much more interesting to read than "the cute boy".

Think about how people interact in real life. Do you go up to the boys you like and say "want to be my boy friend?" having never talked to them before? Hopefully not. Consider these sorts of things when you are writing. Take your time with the characters, you don't have to rush into the plot right away, let us have time to get used to them and learn their quirks.

Make sure to take some time to establish setting as well. All we know about yours is that it is a school. Give it some color and creativity. Have fun with it.

I hope I wasn't too harsh or unfair and I helped at least a little. Keep writing!

-Lauren

Hi! I truly believe this story has a lot of potential, just slow up a bit, i was like, whoa, already over? Describe the school, the people around her, her personality, maybe even how she felt about all that! you have all the time in the world to write this unless there is a DEADLINE that must absolutely be followed! Is this a romance? But anyway, great job and good luck!
Talk to you later! Feel free to completely ignore me, it wont hurt my feelings .

hey,
I agree with Wolfdaemon. This story does have a lot of potential but it needs a lot of work done on the grammar and the spelling side of things, maybe this will help.

3 yrs ago(Change to: Three years ago,)Ashlye Hernandias sat in her second period social studies class (Comma after class)not really paying attention to the teacher , (Move the comma back and change it to a full stop instead)then(Capital letter) principal Jacobs shows up with a cute new student.(I think here you should describe the new guy. You could start it: He was a cute boy with light brown skin; his hair was short and layered around his face, but his ___ eyes stood out amoung his features. He had a buff body; wearing aeropostal shirt, shorts and jordans. I liked him instantly.)Now ashlye (Capital letter for names)is cute her self.(comma instead of full stop, otherwise the sentence is too short) But(Little leter),she was more south Carolina cute that west viginia(Full stop)(remove the brakets, maybe instead start the sentence with: She lived and went to school at West Virginia High;)(were she lived and went to school at west Virginia high)she had light brown hair(comma) atall body,blue eyes (remove the random spaces),golden brown skin and long legs witch (Which)is are barley covered by her skirt.she(Capital letter) was wearing a blue shirt and brown shoes. The girls at WVH had aburin hair short bodies and wore short shorts all year round.

Now back to Cut that outPrincipal Jacobs Was still standing there with the cute new boy by his side.and the cute boy(Cut that out also).Ashlye (Put in spaces after full stops)studied the boy, she heard earlier that he was purto (puerto)rican.he had a light brown skin tone .now Ashlye was an exspert when she can guess someones ethnicity so she can tell.short hair,nice buff body.and he is freshman.aeropostal shirt,shorts,and jordans.Ashlye insTantly liked him (I moved that and used that earlyer, so we can cut it out now)

" hello (stop putting in random space)students today you have a new student, he came all the way from North Dacoda .his (space and capital letter)name is Andrew mc'dunkin(Capital letter for last name).I (add space)hope one of you would like to show him around." Ashlyeinstantly shot her hand up, it was so highthat she almost hit the person next to her."um (Capital letter and comma after um)Ashlye why don't you help."she said(Who is talking?) When Andrew went to go(Get rid of go) take a seat, he sat next to Ashlye; she practiacally screamed.

after(Capital!) class Andrew went up to ashlye and asked "um, you'er(you're) suppose to be my tour guide for the day, right?"he said with a smile on his face.

"why (Capital) yesI am as a matter of fact. Don't eat the tocos you'll feel like you have an alfull awfulvirus and if you have ms. o'delly Capitals, and cut out the space,she'll give anyone a passing grade If you compliment her pilgrim like(That word is not needed) clothing."
then (Capital)Andrew did the unthinkable. He took Ashley's (you changed the spelling of you MC's name)hand and walked down the hall asking, "do you want to be my girlfriend?" Ashley was stund(im not sure what that word means?) she didn't know what to say, so she just stammered "y-y-yes."she said (You already said that she said that)smiling.



Oh my, that took effort. i was debating with myself wether you wrote it with that much mistakes on purpose or if you really dont understand grammar. please, im kind of going to beg you- learn more about grammar before you post anythine else.
I hope everything i said helped you. you dont have to write it how i have put it, because that is just my opinion,
But overall i liked the story, but please read over your work before posting and fix your grammar.
Love Georgie xxXXxx
Keep writing.