Prologue

Im kinda new at this so, i wrote this prologue to a story im working on and i just want to know what i can do to fix it up.



Prologue
Rushing through the night hiding from wandering eyes, the sweat beating down my neck, as I clear my mind and let my instincts take over. As I grow closer and closer to my target, I start to run at abnormally fast speeds. I reach my destination, hiding under the cover of night I creep ever so closer to my target. Inch by inch I can feel my heart racing, it gets so loud that I can’t hear anything else around me. Suddenly my target turns around and spots me. Her pure blue eyes quickly fill with terror as she begins to run from me. I start a mad dash for her. She ducks and dives anywhere she can to stay away from me, but no matter where she goes I will find her. She screams with fear as I grab her arm pulling her back. As quickly as I grabbed her I clamp my hand over her throat squeezing it tightly. Her voice faded into the darkness as her limp body falls to the ground. When her eyes close and her body starts to grow cold I scream out in agony as my body alters. My hunched over back straightens, my clawed hands flatten out becoming normal, and my heart starts to beat at human levels. I look down at the dead corpse at my feet and with an expressionless face I kneel down at her side. “I am sorry my dear, but I cannot take the pain that comes with having you alive”. “I know that you did not deserve this fate, the truth is none of us do”. “If I could I would take this curse away from myself and live a normal life”. I stand up and walk away from the young girls body completely emotionless as the sun starts to rise.

I must say, I'm intrigued. Is this a story about a supernatural killer, perhaps? Hmmm...
Well, here are my thoughts:

-It was a bit short and rushed. Prologues tend to be short, but a touch more would be nice.

-The first sentence felt waaaaay too rushed. I'd break it into two sentences, that would make it less overwhelming to read.

-

I reach my destination, hiding under the cover of night I creep ever so closer to my target.

"to my target" is unnecessary here since it was just in the last sentence.

-

She screams with fear as I grab her arm pulling her back.

Should be a comma after "arm".

-There were a few tense issues. It switched between past and present. Pick one and stick to it.

-At the end-don't add new quotations with each sentence. It makes it look like someone else is talking.

Hey there

Well, it seems like this is setting up for in interesting story but I do think you need to make some changes to improve it.

I reach my destination, hiding under the cover of night I creep ever so closer to my target. Inch by inch I can feel my heart racing, it gets so loud that I can’t hear anything else around me.

In both of these sentences you've stuck two fragments together with a comma, which doesn't properly connect them. You could split them into separate sentences, or rearrange them, or put a semicolon in instead.

Her pure blue eyes

Do you really need to describe them as "pure blue"? The pure seems to me unnecessary. Just 'blue' would probably sound more natural.

I am sorry my dear, but I cannot take the pain that comes with having you alive”. “I know that you did not deserve this fate, the truth is none of us do”. “If I could I would take this curse away from myself and live a normal life”.

You don't need to put speech marks around each sentence. You can just put them when the character begins and finishes speaking. Also, your character is speaking very formally here. If this is deliberate and they live in an old fashioned society or something then fair enough but otherwise the dialogue feels quite unrealistic.

At the moment this prologue is one large chunk of text which is quite offputting to the reader. I would suggest splitting it up into two or three paragraphs to make it easier to read.

Also, you've got a scene which should be exciting here, but it doesn't really come across that way. Try using some shorter sentences to make it feel more tense and use description and the five senses to make the reader feel more involved. This would help you flesh out your prologue as well, because at the moment it is quite short and lacking in description.

I stand up and walk away from the young girls body completely emotionless as the sun starts to rise.

You used the word 'emotionless' a few sentences earlier, so I would suggest using a different one here to stop it from becoming repetitive. Also, this seems quite odd to me. When the main character speaks it's full of emotion for the woman, so you would expect their expression to mirror this, but instead they're showing nothing at all. Perhaps you have a reason for this, but as it is it doesn't really fit.

So, all in all, this does need a lot of work to make it into a good prologue but I'm sure it can get there Anyway, I hope this review was helpful and I hope you keep going with this story.

[/quote]
Okay, I'm going to edit the whole thing for you... just so that i don't need to nitpick later. =)


Prologue
Rushing through the night ,hiding from wandering eyes, the sweat beatingbeats down my neck, asand I clear my mind andto let my instincts take over. That sentence was kind of long, so changing up the words a little will help it flow more. As I grow closer and closer to my target, I start begin would probably make more sense here. to run at abnormally fast speeds. I reach my destination, hiding under the cover of night. I creep ever so closer to my target. Inch by inchthis doesn't make a lot of sense... inch by inch you can feel your heart racing?[/color] I can feel my heart racing, it gets so loud that I can’t hear anything else around me. Suddenly my target turns around and spots me. Her pure blue eyes quickly fill with terror as she begins to run from me., so I start a mad dash for her. She ducks and dives anywhere she can to stay away from me, but no matter where she goes I will find her. She screams with fear as I grab her arm pulling her back. As quickly as I grabbed her I clamp my hand over her throat squeezing it tightly. Her voice faded into the darkness as her limp body falls to the ground. When her eyes close and her body starts to grow cold I scream out in agony as my body alters. My hunched over back straightens, my clawed hands flatten out becoming normal, and my heart starts to beat at human levels. I look down at the dead corpse at my feet and with an expressionless face I kneel down at her side. “I am sorry my dear, but I cannot take the pain that comes with having you alive”. make this whole section one paragraph under quotations. for example, say, i am sorry my dear, but i cannot take the pain that comes with having you alive. i know that you did not deserve this fate, but the truth is, none of us do. if i could take this curse away, i would. I just want to be normal." (i edited a little bit as i went, and changed a few phrases to make better sense.) “I know that you did not deserve this fate, the truth is none of us do”. “If I could I would take this curse away from myself and live a normal life”. I stand up and walk away from the young girls body completely emotionless as the sun starts to rise.[/quote]
i liked this! keep writing, it intrigued me!

my comment was a little confusing, so if you have questions, just pm me.

Thank you all so much for the help. I hope that I am able to fix this quickly so that I can get on with the rest of my story.

Hi Porter, it seems like you've got plenty of good reviews so far so I'll try to keep this short. No guarantees, because I do tend to ramble.

To be honest, I have to ask what the point of having this as a prologue is. I don't have a problem with prologues themselves, per se--but often I find that they're unnecessary and (no offense) a lot of people write them because a lot of popular YA fantasy books these days use them. Just because everyone else is doing it doesn't mean you have to too. I mean, the thing reads as a first chapter. Usually a prologue is more effective when we're not introduced to the main character in it--something else is going on that may affect the main character, but doesn't directly involve them. Since we start with a main character and some action and conflict, why not just start the story here? Make it a first chapter, or, if only wrote it because you wanted to have a prologue, you might as well scrap it. If this is meant to provide information on the main character, then that information could just as easily be imparted in the first chapter.

Another thing--nobody likes long walls of text. Consider separating this into several smaller, more manageable paragraphs. Doing that will give you an opportunity to go more in depth as well. Right now your style is very tell-y. There's a lot of action here but it all happens so quickly and so dispassionately that we're not left...really feeling anything. I don't feel connected to your main character at all, which is a bad sign because you're narrating this in first person, which theoretically should be a good thing because it allows us direct access to the main character's thoughts and feelings. We don't get much of anything from the main character's feelings. This story as it is reads a lot more like a list "I did that, she did this, so on and so forth" rather than a compelling narrative.

"Show, don't tell" is standard advice for beginning writers. It's not necessarily true in all situations (Rosey Unicorn can go on and on about how in some situations telling is desirable ), but here is one in which it is better to show. Dive deep into the main character's psyche. Don't be afraid to drag this out. And above all, build a connection between the readers and him. We know he has angst (he's a bit melodramatic about it all), we know he's not entirely human, we know he just killed a girl he apparently has feelings for. All these factors, and the images associated with them, should make for a compelling and interesting story. But since you don't allow us close to your protagonist the story is not yet being told. Give him thoughts, feelings, motivations, motivations, motivations. Can't stress how important motivation is. We can even like villains if they have motivations that are relatable enough. I get that your protag's motivation is probably to become human again. Bring us close to him, flesh him out, and we will care enough about that motivation to follow him through an entire novel.

That's all I have to say for now. Hope this helps, and PM me if you have any questions.

Hello, porter359. My name is Lethero and I shall be reviewing your story today.

Rushing through the night hiding from wandering eyes, the sweat beating down my neck, as I clear my mind and let my instincts take over.

First off it's a good catcher, but you take out the bolded comma and put a period. And change beating to maybe something like poured.

As I grow closer and closer to my target, I start to run at abnormally fast speeds.

What's abnormally fast? Explain using descriptive words. After this sentence and before the next one, add some description. Where is he? All I know is it's dark. Is he in the woods, a city, a building?

Suddenly my target turns around and spots me. Her pure blue eyes quickly fill with terror as she begins to run from me.

Personally, I believe this could all be one sentence. And add a comma after suddenly.

“I am sorry my dear, but I cannot take the pain that comes with having you alive”. “I know that you did not deserve this fate, the truth is none of us do”.“If I could I would take this curse away from myself and live a normal life”.

Remove bold quotes. And bold period needs to go inside the quotes.


Other:

Not very descriptive. No clue where the character is. All I know is that it's dark and he needs to kill this girl. I know you'll explain the why he needed to kill her latter, but you could give us the scenery. As for the girls death, in my opinion needs to be drawn out. Make people see this death, don't make nice short and pretty because death isn't nice or pretty. You could split this into several paragraphs, but I'll let you find out where so you can learn.

If I were to rate your story on a scale of one to five, I would give it a 1, maybe a 1.5. It could be better.

Signed
Lethero the Werewolf