Elizabeth Andrews school of the unknown - chapter one

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Hey everyone this is my first ever attempt at fantasy, so tell me what you think.
****************

The vast forest stretched for all the eye to see. The tall brown trees towered over the ground below them. The grass was yellow from the heat, but the leaves from the trees were yellow and orange and were littering the soft ground. The wind carried the scent of lavender gracefully through the fields and when it met my nostrils, I felt like I was in heaven. The soft trickling of water against soft rocks told me I was safe. Water was safe.

"Come on Luke!" A voice shouted from across the field. I squinted to see Jasmine. Her hair was a dark brown and it was in thin pigtails. They hung by her face making her look younger. Her eyes framed delicately by black making them bold and beautiful. She wore pale jeans and a lemon colored vest top, on top of this was a vest hoodie with a summer pattern. She had her old khaki back pack. The ground was looked disoriented between us, due to the heat wave. It almost looked perilous, but I wasn't going to wait.
"Luke, we're are about to enroll at Elizabeth Andrews school of the unknown, and you want to take in you're surroundings. Come on. Now!" She yelled and started to job into the forest. I had to sprint to catch up with her, the dead grass trampling under my feet. The smell of lavender was dying, and the smell of dry wood rising. We were close now.
" Oh nice of you to join me" Jasmine joked leaning again an oak tree. I stood panting. "The entrance is here." her voice was now more stern. She nodded her head toward a over grown path. Thorns covered the floor, and the bracken rose to knee height. She stepped on to the path, and began to edge her way down it. The bracken tickled my legs and the thorns stuck in to my foot painfully. Jasmine seemed to be taking it all in her stride.
"To think I was going to go into physics. Physics!" she yelled. The swallows from a near by tree dived from the branched and circled over our heads, their colours being caught in the thin beams on sunlight bursting through the overgrowth, before landing back on their nest.

"I see it" Jasmine exclaimed. She began to sprint,as fast as she could. The bracken tore into my legs now severely beating them and the thorns none the less painful. Jasmine was sprinting even faster now, her breathes becoming faster and faster. Her feet came to a sudden holt, and I collided straight into her back. We both toppled over onto the warm wood floor. The loose twigs breaking beneath us as we fell. The beams of light were extremely heavy here, cutting through the air like daggers.
"He's here" I heard Jasmine whisper and I sat bolt upright.

A man was sat at the base of a willow tree, by his legs laid a large grey hound. It has a thick brindle coat and deep dark eyes.
The man looked up. He had thick black curly hair. Rough white skin, with few freckles. He had a scab in the center of his lip and a faint red scar down the center of his forehead. He had rich hazel eyes, which seemed to be bright in comparison to his other features.
"Can I help you?" He said. His voice fell out of his mouth like butter. His voice was full of class compared to what he looked like. Jasmine had already produced two purple tickets from her back pack and passed me one.

In gold print on the paper said. Elizabeth Andrews school of the unknown. Admits one student. This words sat in an upper and lower arch and between them the schools symbol. A wand, a moon and fangs. The man stood up and held out his hand, his dog was still laid on the floor but now had decided to blow the muck on the ground. We placed out tickets in his hands and he closed his fist around. He nodded.
"The name is Peter Smith. Fourth class wizard and game keeper of the grounds around the portal. This here is Murphy." He said softly as if he was trying to preserve the silence of the forest. The dog gave a small whine reassuring us that he was Murphy. Peter gave his hand a quick flick behind him and the old bark of the tree seemed to cave in behind him.

The branches, the bark even the roots of the trees had changed shape. The bark had caved in and parted to the side making a gap. The branches fell creating a very intricate patter around the egde of our entrance. They have wove them selves delicately together. The dead leaves now spelt "Welcome To Elizabeth Andrews" above the door. To roots had shot straight up from the ground creating a turn stile. Murphy had just laid there the entire time oblivious to anything at all. Peter chocked his head towards to door and Jasmine stepped through the opening. I turned and shot a glance at the swallows behind us and reassured myself that this is where I needed to go. I took a step towards the entrance and jumped in.

We fell straight through the ground. The smell of wet muck full in my nostrils. I heard Jasmine scream below me. It was like a roller coaster that would not stop. It was complete darkness. I couldn't see the entrance above and had no idea what lied below. I closed my eyes tight, as tight as they would go. An echo below me made me brace up. It was a heavy thud and I knew I was about to make contact with something hard. I opened my eyes as I seemed to be decelerating. I came into a grand room and stopped about half a meters above the floor. I dropped from there, making me hit the floor with a deafening bang. Jasmines' hand was stretched out in front of me. I took it and she pulled me up. We had landed in a circular room, it had a black and white checked floor. Flame lit torches were in metal cages between high arched doorways. The wall was hard cold gray brick.
"Which one do you think we should go down" I asked She walked towards the nearest archway. A iron gate fell heavily and collided with the floor. She backed away slowly. I turned and walked towards the one on the other side of the room. The door had a large mirror in the way and it was the first time I had properly seen myself that day. I had straight blond hair which was brushed to the left. I had moss green eyes. I was around five foot seven. I had dark battered jeans on and a 30 seconds to mars top on.
"Down here" Jasmine yelled. I turned my head to see Jasmine half way down a corridor. I walked towards her and I realised she was excited. Her eyes were wide and her mouth open. I got to her and saw was she was staring at. A silver statue was stood in the middle of a courtroom. It was of a woman. She looked around forty. She had a long dress on. In the statue she had long hair. Both her hands were on her left leg delicately placed on top of each other. In front of this statue was a woman sat at an old desk. We began to walk towards the desk. The courtyard was vast. Tall walls, it was also circular. Windows carried light against the far wall.
"Here to enrol my dears" the woman said as we approached her desk.
"Yes, my name is Jasmine Dudhill an-" she started
"and mine is Luke Hobbs" I finished.
She flicked her wrist and two boxes appeared. "These two boxes are all your possessions. Later this evening you will find out your special skill. You will either be a wizard, werewolf or vampire. Classes will begin tomorrow as nine a.m sharp and your classes will depend on your skills. All right my darling. The door on your right will take you into the school." She said without looking up. Me and Jasmine stood there dumbfounded. The boxes disappeared before you.
"They have gone to your room. Go to the hall, things will begin shortly." She finished. Jasmine grabbed my arm and tugged me towards the door. Jasmine grabbed the iron handle and pulled open the door to our new life.
'I have loved to the point of madness, which for me is the only true way to love'
~Francoise Sagan




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Hey it is me JO!!!

The vast forest stretched for all the eye to see .The tall brown trees towered over the ground below them. The grass was yellow from the heat, but the leaves from the trees were yellow and orange and were littering the soft ground. The wind carried the scent of lavender gracefully through the fields and when it met my nostrils, I felt like I was in heaven. The soft trickling of water against soft rocks told me I was safe. Water was safe.


i like this 666! really good descriptions

"Come on Luke!" A voice shouted from across the field. I squinted to see Jasmine. Her hair was a dark brown and it was in thin pigtails. They hung by her face making her look younger. Her eyes framed delicately by black making them bold and beautiful. She wore pale jeans and a lemon colored vest top, on top of this was a vest hoodie with a summer pattern. She had her old khaki back pack. The ground was looked disoriented between us, due to the heat wave. It almost looked perilous, but I wasn't going to wait.


i like how you used "Perilous" in here

"Luke, we're are about to enroll at Elizabeth Andrews school of the unknown, and you want to take in you're surroundings. Come on. Now!" She yelled and started to job dont you mean Jog? into the forest. I had to sprint to catch up with her, the dead grass trampling under my feet. The smell of lavender was dying, and the smell of dry wood rising. We were close now.


other than that mistake i liked it!

"You dont need a space here!Oh nice of you to join me" Jasmine joked leaning again against an oak tree. I stood panting. "The entrance is here." her voice was now more stern. She nodded her head toward a over grown path. Thorns covered the floor, and the bracken rose to knee height. She stepped on to the path, and began to edge her way down it. The bracken tickled my legs and the thorns stuck in to my foot painfully. Jasmine seemed to be taking it all in her stride.


wow this one is getting good!


"To think I was going to go into physics. Physics!" she yelled. The swallows from a near by tree dived from the branched and circled over our heads, their colours colours is spelt correctly but it needs to be colors being caught in the thin beams on sunlight bursting through the overgrowth, before landing back on their nest.




"I see it why dont you use a "!" here? it could work here" Jasmine exclaimed. She began to sprint,as fast as she could. The bracken tore into my legs now severely beating them and the thorns none the less painful. Jasmine was sprinting even faster now, her breathes becoming faster and faster. Her feet came to a sudden holt, and I collided straight into her back. We both toppled over onto the warm wood floor. The loose twigs breaking beneath us as we fell. The beams of light were extremely heavy here, cutting through the air like daggers.


i like how you use acroynms here!

"He's here" I heard Jasmine whisper and I sat bolt upright.


Oooooo...this is a good thing to raise to the climax of this chapter

A man was sat at the base of a willow tree, by his legs laid a large grey hound. It has a thick brindle coat and deep dark eyes.


i don't think you need to start a new paragraph here


The man looked up. He had thick black curly hair. Rough white skin, with few freckles. He had a scab in the center of his lip which lip..top or bottom? explain here.. and a faint red scar down the center of his forehead. He had rich hazel eyes, which seemed to be bright in comparison to his other features.


good descriptions again


"Can I help you?" He said. His voice fell out of his mouth like butter. His voice was full of class compared to what he looked like. Jasmine had already produced two purple tickets from her back pack and passed me one.


that saying "His voice fell out of his mouth like butter" made me shivered....that is really good though

In gold print on the paper said. Elizabeth Andrews school of the unknown. Admits one student. This words sat in an upper and lower arch and between them the schools symbol. A wand, a moon and fangs. The man stood up and held out his hand, his dog was still laid on the floor but now had decided to blow the muck on the ground. We placed out tickets in his hands and he closed his fist around. He nodded.


...Fangs...makes me think of Vampires....wand looks like for magic...and the moon stands for night doesnt it?

"The name is Peter Smith. Fourth class wizard and game keeper of the grounds around the portal. This here is Murphy." He said softly as if he was trying to preserve the silence of the forest. The dog gave a small whine reassuring us that he was Murphy. Peter gave his hand a quick flick behind him and the old bark of the tree seemed to cave in behind him.



I was right very good foreshadowing!

The branches, the bark even the roots of the trees had changed shape. The bark had caved in and parted to the side making a gap. The branches fell creating a very intricate patter around the egde of our entrance. They have wove them selves delicately together. The dead leaves now spelt "Welcome To Elizabeth Andrews" above the door. To roots had shot straight up from the ground creating a turn stile. Murphy had just laid there the entire time oblivious to anything at all. Peter chocked his head towards to door and Jasmine stepped through the opening. I turned and shot a glance at the swallows behind us and reassured myself that this is where I needed to go. I took a step towards the entrance and jumped in.


....this parargragh is just right

We fell straight through the ground. The smell of wet muck full in my nostrils. I heard Jasmine scream below me. It was like a roller coaster that would not stop. It was complete darkness. I couldn't see the entrance above and had no idea what lied below. I closed my eyes tight, as tight as they would go. An echo below me made me brace up. It was a heavy thud and I knew I was about to make contact with something hard. I opened my eyes as I seemed to be decelerating. I came into a grand room and stopped about half a meters above the floor. I dropped from there, making me hit the floor with a deafening bang. Jasmines' hand was stretched out in front of me. I took it and she pulled me up. We had landed in a circular room, it had a black and white checked floor. Flame lit torches were in metal cages between high arched doorways. The wall was hard cold gray brick.


Very nice describing this it sounds so real


"Which one do you think we should go down put a "?" here! " I asked She walked towards the nearest archway. A iron gate fell heavily and collided with the floor. She backed away slowly. I turned and walked towards the one on the other side of the room. The door had a large mirror in the way and it was the first time I had properly seen myself that day. I had straight blond hair which was brushed to the left. I had moss green eyes. I was around five foot seven. I had dark battered jeans on and a 30 seconds to mars top on.


so there is a mirror in the cave and door ways? cool

"Down here" Jasmine yelled. I turned my head to see Jasmine half way down a corridor. I walked towards her and I realised she was excited. Her eyes were wide and her mouth open. I got to her and saw was she was staring at. A silver statue was stood in the middle of a courtroom. It was of a woman. She looked around forty. She had a long dress on. In the statue she had long hair. Both her hands were on her left leg delicately placed on top of each other. In front of this statue there was a woman sat at an old desk. We began to walk towards the desk. The courtyard was vast. Tall walls, it was also circular. Windows carried light against the far wall.


i like this but you just need to fix that mistake..

"Here to enroll my dears" the woman said as we approached her desk.

"Yes, my name is Jasmine Dudhill an-" she started

"and mine is Luke Hobbs" I finished.


this is cool how they finished for eash other

She flicked her wrist and two boxes appeared. "These two boxes are all your possessions. Later this evening you will find out your special skill. You will either be a wizard, werewolf or vampire. Classes will begin tomorrow as nine a.m sharp and your classes will depend on your skills. All right my darling. The door on your right will take you into the school." She said without looking up. Me and Jasmine stood there dumbfounded. The boxes disappeared before you it is us not you because it doesnt make sense that way.


it is Jasmine and I...dont forget that you put someone else before you put youreslf!!!

"They have gone to your room. Go to the hall, things will begin shortly." She finished. Jasmine grabbed my arm and tugged me towards the door. Jasmine grabbed the iron handle and pulled open the door to our new life.William Wordsworth <3






what i thought of it all: it was good and really descriptive and it really gets you going...
that is all..


Your beloved,
~Jo
Love from the girl who wishes she could fly and be a wolf,

J. L. S.

LOOK HERE!

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Hey there :)

For a first go at fantasy, this is really good. I especially like the plot you've devised - it has a lot of potential. There are a few things I would suggest though:

You might want to vary your sentence structure more. Quite often you use a bunch of short sentences one after the other, all pretty similar, especially when describing characters:

I had straight blond hair which was brushed to the left. I had moss green eyes. I was around five foot seven. I had dark battered jeans on and a 30 seconds to mars top on.


This is somewhat disjointed and would flow much better, I think, if you connected some of the sentences together and began them differently. The same thing here:

It was of a woman. She looked around forty. She had a long dress on. In the statue she had long hair. Both her hands were on her left leg delicately placed on top of each other. In front of this statue was a woman sat at an old desk. We began to walk towards the desk. The courtyard was vast. Tall walls, it was also circular. Windows carried light against the far wall.


Speaking of describing characters, you've given quite detailed descriptions of each one, and in some cases it's just too much information. For example, a description of what clothes each character is wearing is more likely to put the reader off continuing than help them picture the story.

You've included a lot of description in this piece and while that is important, especially in a fantasy world, I would say that you don't want to go overboard and spend too much time describing the woods because it can make the story too slow paced.

At the same time, although a lot's happening here, we don't really see that much of what your main character thinks of all these crazy things going on. It would help the reader relate more if they knew what Luke was thinking - Is he scared? Is he excited? Is he confused? This would also give you an opportunity for character development, which would be useful because Luke's personality doesn't come across that strongly in this first chapter.

Overall, though, I think this could become a really good story and hope you keep going with it :)



A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets.
— Homer Simpson