Assembly-- Chapter One

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I'd be glad to return any reviews on this~. ^_^ This is my NaNoWriMo project from 2009, which, as of now, stands about 1/3 of the way a finished novel. XD Character-focused urban fantasy with lots of deconstruct-y goodness. ^_^ It's a bit NaNo-y, still, as I'm sure you can tell, and this chapter is probably the shakiest. XDD Tear it to pieces! :D Thanks in advance for any reviews. ^_^

----
One

So there I was, running away from things again. At least for once I was fleeing from something specific, something physical.

Someone, in fact.

I peered over the top of my coffee out the window, trying to look casual and inconspicuous, and jumped a little, choking and spilling a hot latte all over the sleeve of my sweater. After I'd recovered from all the coughing and spluttering I was doing, I put the Styrofoam cup down, more cautiously, and looked up again.

She was still there, pacing back and forth on the street outside, searching up and down the road, standing on tiptoes to scan the crowd in both directions.

I looked away from the window hurriedly, trying to hide my face by resting my cheek against an upraised arm. Just on time, it turned out. I glanced around my wrist to see her peering into the window.

No big deal, I thought to myself, act nonchalant. Don't let her spot you... I slumped in my seat a bit, trying to be a little bit of a smaller target.

She was still outside the window, peering over the heads in the crammed coffee shop, her grey eyes scanning the crowd-and then lighting with the satisfaction of discovery.

Oh, no way.

The bell rang lightly as the girl walked in over the threshold, and the guy behind the counter turned to face her.

"Hello. Welcome. What can I get for you today?" he said ,in a tone that suggested there was no instrument on earth delicate and miniscule enough to measure how very little he cared.

"Nothing," she said, and her voice was chill and quite serious. She began to stride past the counter, and I saw her eyes fix on my table.

"Er... look, I'm sorry, miss, but seats at the tables are for paying customers only," the counter guy said. “Otherwise, we get people just hanging around… they take up space. My boss’ll give me trouble.”

She glanced back at him, clearly not happy with the situation. I wondered if I should make a break for it now... could I get past her? Probably not. The shop was tiny and crammed with tables and chairs and people. I'd be slowed down, trying to dodge them all, and the street outside wasn't crowded enough that I could lose her easily.

"Fine," she said at last. "I'll take a coffee."

The guy at the counter looked up to the ceiling, as though demanding an answer from the coffee gods as to why hadn't taken a job at the fast-food joint across the street, instead.

"What kind of coffee?" he asked.

"Whatever."

The guy at the counter pointed to the menu above his head. "Pick something. Would you mind stepping aside and letting the people who do know what they want order? There's a line behind you, you know."

She glanced over at me, her grey eyes meeting mine. Then she turned back to the counter guy, who looked as though he was seriously contemplating how badly he needed this paycheck.

"Just plain coffee," she said.

The counter guy nodded at her and muttered a few words under his breath that would certainly have gotten him fired if the manager had been anywhere in the vicinity, pulling a cup out from under the counter.

She stood there, glaring at him.

"You can sit down while you wait," he said.

She nodded, and before I could move, she'd crossed the tiled floor, pulled out a chair from the table next to me, and was seated at my side.

I started to get to my feet.

Her hand reached out and grabbed the sleeve of my shirt.

"Don't," she said quietly. "Stay where you are. Trust me on this- your life is in danger."

I stared at her for a moment. Then I got to my feet again.

"I'm warning you," she said, even more quietly. "There's an assassin in the vicinity this shop with their sights on you. Stay inside if you want to live."

"Er. Your coffee," the counter guy called from across the room.

She got up to get it.

She was still blocking the way in between me and the door out, so all I could do was glare at her.

My first real impression, seeing her now, was of gray. Pale skin, a gray sweater, jeans faded and dulled with wear and age, the sort of light brown hair which seems to have no color at all. She was tapping her foot with irritation, and when the guy behind the counter gave her the cup of coffee with a sigh of relief, she tossed it into the trash can before striding over to me.

I got to my feet again, hoping to stride past her while she was distracted, but I never got the chance. She seized my arm and pulled me back into my seat.

“Stay calm,” she snapped. “Hold still. Let me explain this to you.”

I wouldn’t have sat down, but she pushed against my shoulder and I fell into my seat. She sat across from me, leaning forward, staring, her mouth a thin line.

“I don’t have to listen to anything you say,” I told her, folding my arms.

She simply glared past me, her eyes surveying the wide windows.

“You’ve been stalking me,” I pointed out. I was pretty sure that this was the crucial point, here. “You’ve been following me all afternoon.”

“I’m trying to warn you,” she said.

That was the best excuse she could think of? I’d been headed home after picking up my work uniform, just walking along, not bothering anyone, when I’d spotted her somewhere behind me. I did think she was a little odd—the people on the street walked with calm, Sunday morning strides, and she had been walking quickly, deliberately, her glances around at the scenery short and pointed, as though she were watching for pursuers of her own.

I hadn’t been bothered unduly until I’d looked back a second time, more than twenty minutes later, and realized that those around her had dispersed, and she was still there.

I turned a corner. So did she. An hour after I’d first noticed her, she was still there. I started to walk faster. So did she. She was damned impossible to shake.

This was approximately the strangest thing that had happened to me, ever.

What could she possibly want from me? I mean, I wasn’t exactly the best mugging target in the world. We’d passed plenty of camera-bedecked tourists up by the Lincoln Presidential Library. I wasn’t even carrying a purse, I wasn’t wearing any jewelry—as if I had any to put on—and my wallet was buried safe down in the recesses of my jacket pocket. The most valuable thing I had on me was Steph’s watch, and that was a cheap piece of crap, anyone could tell. It didn’t even run anymore.

I couldn’t fathom what all this nonsense was about, but it was getting a bit worrying, and I didn’t like the gray girl’s determined stride one bit. I was getting an uncomfortable feeling like I was being watched.

That’s why I had tried ducking into the coffee shop, and that’s why I was there now, clutching my coffee as I stared at the gray girl across from me, no less baffled than I had been when we’d come in, but feeling much more like the correct answer to all my questions was “she’s a loony.”

“Listen,” she said.

I glared at her. “I’m kind of a captive audience, in case you couldn’t tell.”

“You must know what all this is about.”

“It’s about… you being in serious need of a good psychiatrist?”

The girl’s expression didn’t change. Instead, she glanced around the coffee shop and leaned in.

“Listen to me. You need to be honest. One of them could be anywhere in this room, right now. Waiting for you. Waiting for an opening. I’m trying to protect you. Don’t you think you’re… different, from other people? Haven’t you ever noticed that?”

I had no idea what she was talking about.

“What?”

“Don’t give me that. You must know, or they wouldn’t be targeting you. You must have been Deselected remotely, otherwise they would have probably already gotten you, but you must still know about it by now.”

“Know about what?”

“I’m trying to help you. Don’t toy with me.”

I just gaped at her.

“Your Gift.”

I held my hands up in the air.

“Okay, okay,” I said, “If you want something from me, you can go ahead and take it. I’ll give you what I can, but there isn’t a lot. I’m only carrying a few bucks, no credit cards.”

Now it was her turn to look confused. I realized then, how young she really was—though not that much younger than me. High school age, I figured—hell, maybe she was only a year or so younger.

“You must know that you have an Unsafe Gift,” she said slowly.

“What are you talking about? Are you after something I’m carrying, or what?”

The girl just stared.

“You are Josephine Childress, right?”

“It’s Jo,” I said. I buttoned my coat, crushing the empty cup in one hand. I didn’t know how the hell she got my name, and I didn’t really care, to be frank. Maybe she’d asked one of the people at the fast-food place, they’d know my name if I was going to start there tomorrow.

“Wait!” she said suddenly. When she raised her voice, she sounded even more like a kid. Some stupid kid, I decided, playing a prank. Evidentially, she wasn’t very good at thinking them up. “I… I’m Alice,” she said.

“Congratulations,” I told her. I tossed the empty cup into the trash can.

“Listen,” she said again.

“Listened,” I told her. “Go find somebody in the mood for jokes.”

Alice got to her feet, knocking over her chair in the process, and strode to block the exit, but I was already there. I let the door slam in her face, with a cheerful ring of the bell, and strode down the street in the late September air.

I scratched at my wrist where the watch was chafing at it—even though I’d worn it for years now, I could never quite get used to the feeling of it there, and, out of pure habit, glanced at the face. It was seven o’clock in the evening, even though the sky was bright with the weakening sun of midafternoon.

It was always seven o’clock.
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

Hey, how about a free review?




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This sounds like it could get very good. What I did see though, is that in places where you used a dash, you should have used a semi-colon. Also, you mixed your past and present tense in a few places. Can't wait to hear the rest.
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Hey there!

I peered over the top of my coffee out the window, trying to look casual and inconspicuous, and jumped a little, choking and spilling a hot latte all over the sleeve of my sweater.

I think you should end the first sentence at inconspicuous. Then go with - I jumped, choking and spilling hot latte all over....

The bell rang lightly as the girl walked in over the threshold, and the guy behind the counter turned to face her.

Maybe you should replace 'guy' with 'man'.
Using guy makes it sound less formal.

"Hello. Welcome. What can I get for you today?" he said ,in a tone that suggested there was no instrument on earth delicate and miniscule enough to measure how very little he cared.

Haha :)

"Nothing," she said, and her voice was chill and quite serious.

I noticed that you use a lot of 'ands'
Why not simplify this sentence to just: "Nothing," she said in a chilly and quite serious tone. Ta-da :D

The guy at the counter looked up to the ceiling, as though demanding an answer from the coffee gods as to why he hadn't taken a job at the fast-food joint across the street, instead.

You missed a word :)

and when the guy behind the counter gave her the cup of coffee with a sigh of relief, she tossed it into the trash can before striding over to me.

Hahaha! I love your humor!

I was getting an uncomfortable feeling like I was being watched.

This is quite common sense, no?

****
Okay so that's all I found really. I'd watch out for the excessive use of the word 'and'. Although I really enjoyed the mystery in here. I liked how you slowly build up the nerve wrecking atmosphere and the character's actions were realistic yet funny. I think you should have had a more interesting introduction to grab readers in too. At the end you suddenly make the gray girl look young and she loses that strong image we had of her in the beginning so unless you wanted to do that, it's fine but I still think you should have made her a bit more strict. I could understand if you wanted us to see her as young but her voice stuttered at one part and it jumped out of character.Um, let's see that's all I can think of...
Anyway, I enjoyed reading this. Keep it up!

~PInk
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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Hey there, Zan. Here's your review as requested. Hopefully it makes sense, since my sister is sitting behind me playing Touhou very loudly. Which is more than a little distracting.

So there I was, running away from things again. At least for once I was fleeing from something specific, something physical.

Someone, in fact.


This is the first opening I've read in a while on this site that actually hooked me and didn't make me want to write a ton of paragraphs explaining how it could be better. Good job!

I do have a little nitpick--the "from things" part is rather awkward, so I'm wondering if you couldn't just say "running away" again. Also, though this is an exciting hook, it doesn't segue all that well with the next paragraph. The impression it gave me was that the character was actually physically running and we'd just begun the novel with a chase scene, so it was a bit incongruous to then read that the main character was in a coffeeshop.


I peered over the top of my coffee out the window, trying to look casual and inconspicuous, and jumped a little, choking and spilling a hot latte all over the sleeve of my sweater


My first instinct was to say that too much was happening in this sentence, but looking over it I don't think too much is happening so much as you're using too many words. "Casual and inconspicuous", "choking and spilling." Everyone writes like that when they're writing fast, but when revising pick one word and stick with it. I'd say "inconspicuous" and "spilling" alone would convey the images you want to, but then again it's your call.


After I'd recovered from all the coughing and spluttering I was doing, I put the Styrofoam cup down, more cautiously, and looked up again.


"All the coughing and spluttering I was doing" is awkward. "I was doing" is particularly a clunker that adds nothing but dead weight to the sentence.

I'm tripping up over the "more cautiously" part of the next clause, but I can't see anything wrong, grammatically or stylistically, with it. Maybe it's just because it adds more commas to that sentence and I have this problem where if I see a sentence with two many commas in it my eyes glaze over. Other people might have this problem too.


She was still there, pacing back and forth on the street outside, searching up and down the road, standing on tiptoes to scan the crowd in both directions.


Okay, there's definitely too many commas here! And too much description, to boot. Remember, say the most in the fewest words.


You're doing a good job with building tension here, I must say. I don't know who these characters are or what they want, but I want to keep reading just to see a resolution to all this tension.


I slumped in my seat a bit, trying to be a little bit of a smaller target.


"A little bit of a" is another filler-clunker. Understandable in a rough draft, but excise all these in your final draft.

She was still outside the window, peering over the heads in the crammed coffee shop, her grey eyes scanning the crowd-and then lighting with the satisfaction of discovery.


You seem to favor long, slightly rambly sentences. Nothing wrong with using them every once in a while, but when every sentence is structured the same way it gets boring and tiresome to read.


The bell rang lightly as the girl walked in over the threshold, and the guy behind the counter turned to face her.


Examine crosswise any adverb you use, because chances are it won't be necessary. In this case, I think the fact that the bell is one of those little bells dangling on a door handle would imply that it's ringing lightly.

Even though this is first person, I find usage of "guy" to be too informal. Then again, Your Mileage May Vary.


"Hello. Welcome. What can I get for you today?" he said ,in a tone that suggested there was no instrument on earth delicate and miniscule enough to measure how very little he cared.


XD I always love these examples of your narrator's sarcastic voices. I must say that this is rather awkwardly worded, however. The phrase "There was" is one you must look crosswise at too. In this case, you can easily rephrase things as "no instrument on earth was delicate..."


She began to stride past the counter, and I saw her eyes fix on my table.


This is probably just a personal pet peeve of mine, but when the narration is from a tight perspective (3rd limited, or 1st as it is here) I don't like seeing "I saw" or "I felt" tags. Because the narration is already so tight, we should assume that everything you're describing is what the narrator is seeing.


The guy at the counter looked up to the ceiling, as though demanding an answer from the coffee gods as to why hadn't taken a job at the fast-food joint across the street, instead.


Ah, love this. Poor counter guy. (Would he be a...barista, maybe? If you want to be more specific)


She glanced over at me, her grey eyes meeting mine.


This sentence ought to give us a shock or a chill, but right now it's a bit too clunky to do that. It's the "over at me" part that's tripping me up, I think.


The counter guy nodded at her and muttered a few words under his breath that would certainly have gotten him fired if the manager had been anywhere in the vicinity, pulling a cup out from under the counter.


Eh? Is he making the coffee? From my experience with coffeeshops (aka Starbucks...) the guy at the counter doesn't actually make the coffee, he just takes the order.

Also, the "pulling the cup out" part is awkward attached to the rest of the sentence (which is full of win, BTW). Seems like it should be its own sentence.



She nodded, and before I could move, she'd crossed the tiled floor, pulled out a chair from the table next to me, and was seated at my side.


I think this works as a long sentence, but there are some awkward phrasings--"seated at my side" especially. That reads in a very passive manner, which sort of ruins the sentence's impact.


Oh, interesting reversal! So she doesn't mean the main character harm. You're doing a masterful job at maintaining the tension, even in a scene that's so far all dialogue in a coffeeshop.


My first real impression, seeing her now, was of gray.


I get what you're trying to say here but it's awkwardly worded.

the sort of light brown hair which seems to have no color at all.


Every time I read the words "sort of" I twitch inside. I can see what you're doing here with it, and it's perfectly valid, but the sentence's meaning wouldn't be changed much without the "sort of," yeah?

This is a nice description, actually. I don't remember the descriptions being all that stellar in LoSLoR, to be honest, but this one is memorable and paints a clear picture without using too many words.



I wouldn’t have sat down, but she pushed against my shoulder and I fell into my seat. She sat across from me, leaning forward, staring, her mouth a thin line.


The fact that she's leaning forward should already imply that she's staring, so no need to go right out and say it. As it is, that single word trips up the flow of this sentence.


“You’ve been stalking me,” I pointed out.


I have a visceral loathing for the dialogue tag "pointed out." Especially here, when a simple "said" will work just as well.


the people on the street walked with calm, Sunday morning strides


Nice description!

her glances around at the scenery short and pointed,


I...am still not sure what this is supposed to mean.


and realized that those around her had dispersed


Think this would be better phrased as "the people around her."


I wasn’t wearing any jewelry—as if I had any to put on—and my wallet was buried safe down in the recesses of my jacket pocket.


I really like this description--it's vivid and specific and even shows the main character's personality/living situation. Right now we don't know all that much about her (not even her name) so it's nice to find out even a little bit.

I am a little worried about this section being tell-y, but it doesn't come across that way to me. I get the feeling that it should be in past perfect tense, though ("I had been" instead of "I was," for example) since the rest of the story is already in past tense. Then again, it reads perfectly natural the way it is so I don't know if the rules are different for first person or whatnot. *is clueless*

Your dialogue is top form, as always. And your main character is so, so wonderfully snarky.


The girl’s expression didn’t change. Instead, she glanced around the coffee shop and leaned in.


Think this would have more impact if she glances around the coffee shop "before leaning towards me."


I just gaped at her.


Nice, short, punchy sentence--or it would be without the "just." Another word you must look crosswise at!


I held my hands up in the air.


No need to say, "in the air."


I buttoned my coat, crushing the empty cup in one hand.


Now here's a place where "and" would work wonders--she buttons her cut and then crushes the empty cup. As it is, you've phrased it as if the two actions are more closely related than they are. They're not--they just follow one after another. A perfect place to use "and.'

and I didn’t really care, to be frank.


I'd rework this section as "frankly, I didn't care." Means the same thing but in fewer words.

Maybe she’d asked one of the people at the fast-food place, they’d know my name if I was going to start there tomorrow.


Think that comma should be a semicolon.

Evidentially


I am not sure that this word is even a word.


Alice got to her feet, knocking over her chair in the process, and strode to block the exit, but I was already there.


Meh, I find this rather awkwardly phrased.


I scratched at my wrist where the watch was chafing at it


This too. I get what you're trying to say but I think you can phrase it in a more eloquent manner.

even though I’d worn it for years now, I could never quite get used to the feeling of it there, and, out of pure habit, glanced at the face.


Interesting, but not very realistic. I'd find this easier to swallow if you explained (however peripherally) why she can't get used to it. Every time I buy a watch I get used to it after a week of wearing it. Is she trying to imply that there's some emotional baggage that prevents her from getting used to the watch? I think that's what's going on, but here is a place where you could benefit from being more clear.

bright with the weakening sun of midafternoon.


Er, if the sun is weakening how can it be bright? As far as I know, the sun isn't "weak" in midafternoon--it's in fact at its most annoyingly bright. Well, I guess in the strictest terms the sun is brightest at noon, but it's high overhead so it's not very noticeable, whereas the midafternoon sun is descending so it gets into people's eyes.


It was always seven o’clock.


Impactful ending. I am not quite sure how it (or the watch in general) relates to the overall plot, and I'll admit it seems rather random.

To be honest, this chapter reads exactly like a NaNo. Like it was written in a rush. There are a lot of awkward turns of phrase, overuse of adverbs, and rambly sentences. Thankfully, your dialogue and characterization are up to par so it wasn't a slog to read, but when you're revising be sure to go through every single sentence with a fine-toothed comb.

One major problem that I didn't point out at all above is that your vocabulary is very...basic. Maybe it's another consequence of this being a NaNo, or Jo's collaquioal voice, but I'll admit it jumped out at me a lot. Especially when it came to verbs and nouns. Strong writing comes from strong verbs and nouns, and you use so many general, wishy-washy terms--"guy," "get," "move" and a lot of "was"es--that your writing comes across as bland. Spice up your prose a little! Even if this is the way Jo would ordinarily talk, in prose (even first person) it's a good idea to be at least a degree more formal than the main character's speaking voice. Just to make the prose more interesting! Most people when they're talking don't use strong verbs or nouns, but we're here to read a story, not an impromptu monologue, yeah?

You do a good job building and maintaining tension throughout this piece, and I aboslutely love Jo. Her snarky voice reminds me of Emma, only more mature and even more jaded. And you've succeeded in capturing my interest with all this talk about Gifts and assassins. There's a definitely a hint of something interesting and very, very fantasy-tastic ahead. I'm wondering if Steph's watch isn't related to the plot as well, since you put so much emphasis on it.

The one complaint I'd have about the plot/mystery aspect is that this beginning is rather mundane. You probably did it to contrast Jo's ordinary world with the fantasy world I assume she'll soon come into contact with, but right now there are no hints of anything more fantastic than a conversation with a weird girl and some assassins that might not exist. Squall gave me some good advice on Unity chapter one in that if the story is fantasy--even urban fantasy--a fantasy aspect should be strongly established from the beginning. First few chapters of Harry Potter, et al. As of now, there's nothing to make me believe this is fantasy other than the fact that it's in the fantasy section.

Good work, I'm looking forward to reading more. ^^ PM me if you have any questions.
Ah, it is an empty movement. That is an empty movement. It is.



There is nothing more radical or counter-cultural, at the moment, than laying down one’s cynicism in favour of tender vulnerability.
— John Green