Demigod (working title) part 3

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This is kinda long, so hopefully its not boring. x.x

Chapter 4-The Door I Stupidly Choose To Open
I stretched and yawned, keeping my eyes closed, hoping that the whole afternoon was a dream.
I reached for my alarm clock, only to find that nothing was next to my bed. My eyes flew open with surprise, and my mind suddenly overloaded with memories of where I was.
Shaking my head, I sat up.
This was the same room I had found using the map. I was lying on a cot, nestled behind a pillar, and I had been given a blanket and pillow while I slept.
I rubbed my head where I had hit it against the concrete yesterday, or a few hours ago or… whenever that was.
Deanna and India were out there still, and they would never get up to find me. They would never be able to finish high school, never be able to come here to do whatever in the heck they were trying to come here to do.
The cot shook slightly as I slid my legs off of it, and took a cautious step, leaning on the column for support.
It was then that I noticed the door. It was sitting slightly open, and warmth radiated from it, like a summer day that every one wants to go swimming during.
And since I’m a curious person, I dragged myself over to it, pulling it slightly more ajar.
I gasped and steadied myself on the door handle to keep from falling over.
The first thing I noticed was the sun glowing in the center of the sky. It hung much lower than you would normally see it, but it was definitely the sun. It caused everything to be bright and cheery, unlike what I was feeling.
I took another cautious step, and somehow I was stepping on grass. It was squishy and vibrant, acting as if it was a carpet, covering everything.
The space had the feel of the room, but at this moment I couldn’t see any walls. There was a horizon, and an ocean off in the distance, and I breathed in the sweet air that only the out doors can give you.
I was standing at the top of a hill that allowed me to see far off into the distance, and my mind reeled, trying to take it all in.
Below me was a track, like the kind that you would use for a field tournament, at least a dozen tents, and a huge dining area. I could see more buildings off in the distance, but I couldn’t make out their shape, or their purpose. And I , being the dumb blonde that I am, decided to go check them out.
I crept closer to the make shift camp ground, trying to find some shadows under the blazing sun. It wasn’t easy, but I snuck around rocks and trees. I honestly don’t know why I felt like I had to sneak, but I guess its just a instinct when your not sure if your supposed to be some place.
I kept on the look out for people, but I must have missed looking behind me, because the next thing I knew, someone was tapping on my shoulder.
Spinning around I crouched in a defensive position, hoping I wouldn’t have to attack. I mean what in the world would I have to charge with? Fists? Ha, yeah right.
But yet, the dude put his hand out in front of him like I was some evil axe murderer about to chop his face off.
“Who are you?” I tried to sound brave, but I’m not sure that’s how it came across.
The guy immediately relaxed and I felt a little bit offended. What, he didn’t think I was good enough to fight now that he saw my face? … not that I was good enough to fight, but whatever.
“I’m Shotka. Son of Hermes. Who are you?” It startled me to hear him speak until I realized he was just answering my question.
I almost told him I thought his name was odd, but then I took the time to look at him. He seemed Chinese, so I guess that’s where the name came from. But he must not have been fully Chinese. because he had this… pixyish look about him. Sorta sharp. Like he was always looking for an opportunity. It creeped me out a little.
I thought over the rest of what he said, before my mind jolted into shock.
“Wait… the… son of… hermes?” My voice sounded as confused as I felt.
He suddenly blushed. “Hades! Your new here huh? Damn, Hestia is going to send me to the pits of Tartarus for this”
My mouth fell open. “Uh….. What?”
“Stay here” He ordered as he raced off.
“Uhmmmmm…..” Was my response.
It took me about two seconds to decide I wasn’t going to stay. I guess it was just the side of me that hated taking orders. I mean, I'm not a dog for god's sake!
As I walked I processed the possibilities. Shotka said he was the son of hermes. What the heck was that supposed to mean? The options I came up with were:
1. This was an asylum (unlikely, but not impossible)
2. I was dreaming (probably not. I even pinched myself for proof)
3.This was one of those nerd camps that people went to for weekend retreats where they pretend that they are something their not. (seems possible)
4. He was being completely truthful, and he really was the son of hermes. (yeah okay, and I’m Mrs. Butterworth)

My best bet was number three.
I turned back to the entrance, planning to leave this room, then run for my sanity. I peered over the horizon, looking for the door I was sure I left open.
There was no sign of any door no matter how hard I searched. I began to jog toward where I thought it might be, but it was no where. I walked up and down the now obvious wall painted with the skyline. Absolutely nothing.
I felt my head shake a little in disbelief. I was stuck in a geek fest. Not one of my favorite ways to spend Saturday.
I trudged back down to the buildings, hoping to find someone I could get directions from. There had to be another way out!
I wandered around the room a little. Because it was clearly a room, no matter how much it looked like the out doors. This couldn’t be real grass growing, or a real sun, and that lake must be a pool. The wall that I had walked through to get here was the closest, but if I looked hard enough I could sort of see that the west and east were walls also. There was no way of telling what the north side of the room held. I wasn’t sure there even was a barrier there… the horizon line was a perfect smudge of water and sky.
I stopped walking right before I slammed into the side of a brick wall that was part of what looked like a dining hall. I had been so intent on the size of the room, I had completely forgotten to look where I was going. Typical of me.
Hearing the clatter of silverware made hunger come with a vengeance. I bit back a moan as I smelled the food that was inside. I couldn’t remember the last time I ate… must have been a day or so ago…
The food tempted me so much that I worked up the courage to walk inside.
That was a big mistake.
As soon as the door opened, at least a hundred heads turned towards me at the same time.
I stopped dead in my tracks and tried to stare everyone down, but it’s pretty impossible to meet more than a few peoples eyes a once.
“Interrupting is not taken kindly” A woman at the front of the room that I hadn’t noticed before reprimanded me.
My mouth opened to protest, but before I could get a word out, a strange coldness seeped down my neck. I rolled my sholders quickly, holding back a shiver.
The muscles were tightening, and I bit my lip while everyone waited for me to speak. I tried, but the coldness was moving down my back, making it hard to concentrate on the words that I wanted to say in retaliation.
And then, before I could make a sound, the world spun into darkness.


The first thing that crossed my mind when I came to was simply, what the heck?
My hand felt odd, and I turned my head in the grit to see that it was partially immersed in icy water.
But all thought of the water disappeared as I sat up. I was lying in a cave, with stalagmites poking up right next to me, startlingly close. If I had landed a few more feet to the right I would have been impaled.
Sudden voices shook me from my gruesome thoughts. The words echoed around the cavern, making it impossible to tell which direction they were coming from. Peering around in the gloom, I searched the walls for a corridor that people could be walking down.
I spotted a small entry way into the open space I was in, and quickly ducked behind a pillar of stone to avoid being seen.
Two hideous creatures slipped into the cavern, snarling at each other loudly. Both were wearing pink tank tops, one with blonde hair spilling over her shoulders, the other with brunette.
“We must attack tonight!” The brunette flipped her hair away from her body, obviously trying to intimidate the other chick.
“No! We can’t! Hestia knows we are coming!” Blondie’s voice was higher than I would have thought it would be. Almost like nails sliding across a chalk board.
Resisting the urge to cover my ears, I inched around the pillar, trying to figure out how to get closer to the exit without being seen. I could care less about their argument, all I wanted to do was go home. If this was what I had to do to get there, so be it.
“She has no idea! How many time to I have to tell you Violet, we would know if she knew!!” Brunette was getting angry. I smiled slightly.
Violet paused, probably figuring out what the other girl had said. Blondie didn’t seem very smart.
The brunette took Violets silence as an answer. “So that settles it. We are leaving at 6 tonight. Don’t forget the address. Michigan street. “
A memory tugged on the fringes of my mind. Wait, Michigan Street… That’s where the house was. The room.
It dawned on me. The address was right by my house. I had been no more than a few blocks away the whole time. I banged my head on the pillar. Oui, I’m stupid.
I had just assumed that the room was far away because of how long I had traveled. But the map lead in circles! How could I miss that fact?
I was given a jolt back to reality when Violet hissed slightly and glanced around the cavern.
“See! We are being watched even now!” She glared exasperated.
I waited for the brunette’s answer, but a second later I realized I wasn’t going to get it. The coldness seeped quickly over me and I collapsed back into darkness.

I woke up with a headache in the worst way.
Which is to be expected after you randomly pass out on the concrete floor of a cafeteria.
Doesn’t make it suck any less.
About twenty five faces peered down at me, murmuring quietly. I felt claustrophobic with all those people closing in around me.
I pressed my hands to my head, trying not to make a sound as I sat up. “Anyone got any Advil?”
Dead silence as the teenagers stared at me with surprise.
“… cause I really have a migraine…” I attempted half-heartedly.
When no one came up with an intelligent response, I decided to get the heck out of there.
Shoving my way through the crowd, I stumbled to the door and pushed it open, blinking in the bright sunlight. I used my hands as a visor as I scoped out the grounds.
Okay, two girls sword fighting, seems like a good place to go right? … wrong.
Before I took two step in their direction, the ground began to shake, knocking me to the wet, dewy grass. The trembling grew to a crescendo as a gaping hole large enough for a person to float through appeared next to one of the sword fighting girls.
She glanced over at it, like this type of thing happened every day, and stood with one hand on her hip staring down.
And then, seeming to appear out of my thoughts, a skinny dude wearing a winged hat popped up out of the hole.
“Hey Sam” The winged dude waved a little and smiled blindingly.
“Hey. What ya got?” She held her hand out nonchalantly, appearing like she had been waiting for this package for a while.
The man held out a pure white clipboard that the girl signed with a very dark black pen that she pulled out of her pocket.
“What does dad want now.” She joked a little with the mail man.
“I couldn’t guess…” Winged guy somberly answered.
“Uh…” She must not have expect to be taken seriously.
“Well, I’m sure I’ll be seeing you soon” He pulled her into a hug and zipped back down the hole.
She wiped her arms off with an expression of disgust and turned back to her partner, but not before she spotted me gaping at her.
“What do you want?!” She glared.
“I-I… um… I’m just…” I trailed off, unable to come up with a good explanation.
“Move along” She snarled and lifted her sword up to parry her partners blow with out even looking.
“Uh… yeah… okay” Agreeing with her seemed to be my best option.
Unfortunately, something had it out for me today. Because right in front of me happened to be the biggest creature I’ve ever seen in my life.
It took a second for my brain to process that this … thing, was nothing less than a dragon. A dragon?! With … 6 heads?
“Dang! it’s a hydra!!” people swarmed out of the dining hall, pulling out various weapons and shields from god knows where.
Everyone gathered in semi straight rows, looking as if they were getting ready to send out attacks in waves. And then I realized that’s what they were doing. They planned on killing this thing!
The first wave went out. Someone screamed as the hydra bit down, severing them in half. I dry heaved a little as the blood sprayed everywhere, coating the next group of people.
And then, there was an army upon us. Out of no where, hundreds of creatures burst out of some mysterious opening and swept us away. A sword was shoved into my hands, and the scene around me was utter chaos.
It was sword on sword combat. This was something that I had never seen before. What the heck was I supposed to do with this thing?
I held the sword up clumsily. Warriors battle all around me, kicking up dust. I couldn’t see, or breath, let alone figure out what was going on. I stumbled forward, trying to find my way out of the middle of the fighters.
Well, I found my way out. Not exactly the way I intended…
Standing in front of me was the hydra.
There are no words to describe the curses going through my mind at that moment. Half of them I made up on the spot.
Two of the hydra’s heads were occupied by kids that looked no older than I was, holding spears, and jabbing at the thing. Another was stuck in a tree, where it had tried to eat a boy flinging arrows at it. Which left three heads with their undivided attention on me.
This wasn’t going to end well.
One head swung toward me, as if to club me. I ducked swiftly, choking on the dust the wind stirred up. The others glared at me, daring me to attack with the little tooth pick we humans called swords.
Scratch that. Not human.
Because clearly the people around me were not human.
I guess I finally opened my eyes to the battle around me, when I least needed to be distracted.
There was a group of about 8 people, flinging chunks of fire at soldiers that were running towards them. With their bare hands. Just picking it up like I would pick up a rubber ball or something.
Next to them 3 girls were growing weeds and vines - looked like grape vines- up the sides of the enemy, immobilizing them.
And that was all I could catch before the second head let out a roar that shook the entire camp. My hair was blasted away from my face and the duelers surrounding the hydra paused to stare in horror at the creature like they were noticing it for the first time.
The hydra took no notice of them.
So what else could I do but run? I bolted through the crowd, shoving people out of my way. The six headed creature followed, trampling fighters as it chased me.
“Help me!” I screamed as I tore past unfamiliar faces.
I wasn’t sure if any of them stepped in or not.
I kept sprinting towards the edge of the forest, thinking that maybe the trees would slow the beast down.
Instead, they stopped me head on. I slammed into the trunk of a huge dogwood and fell backwards with my butt in the mud.
I was so going to die.
Last edited by Torigirl15 on Wed Aug 04, 2010 3:53 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Xx This side of mortality is
scaring me to death
to death xX

-The Temper Trap: Soldier On




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Okay! this had a definite Percy Jackson feel (maybe its the son of Hermes thing). I still enjoyed it though, alot, it made me laugh, which is a good thing ;) i think it would help slowing it down a bit, but if you don't, it will still be great, it just sort of shocked me for a second. she seems to be falling over...alot, maybe go into more descriptions on HOW or WHY she fell over... i got confused when she saw Blondie and them. then the ground rumbled. then a hydra showed up. then she ran into a tree... lol, very action-y!
Feel free to disregard any of these suggestions, because that's what they are, suggestions, not demands ;) and again, make the story YOURS make it pop with the YOU-NESS of it!
Cant wait for more!
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Ok I just wrote an entire review and was about to submit it when it disappeared, so I'm ticked. Now, I did get a slight Percy Jackson feel, but considering the subject matter I think it'd be impossible to avoid completely, and I think you did a good job of making the story your own.

The idea of an outdoor camp inside thing was hard to get my mind around, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. The only thing that really threw me through a loop was whole scenario with the cafeteria-cave-and-back thing was confusing to me, it just didn't make much sense. If you could explain what was going on a little more, I think it would help, though it could be difficult because I understand the MC doesn't know whats going on either. I'm not sure exactly how it should be edited, so sorry if this doesn't help any.

It took me about two seconds to decide I wasn’t going to stay. Im not a dog for gods sake.
Considering the day she'd had, it seemed odd that she would decide to run off and go looking for trouble when it seemed, at least to me, that she was about to get help. But that was just my thoughts on it.

As for the length, the MC's wit and the story's tone are good enough to keep me entertained, so i wouldn't worry about it. Your character's clumsiness is entertaining, too, just be careful you don't overdue it. I don't think your in danger of that yet, just be mindful.
Sorry if I sound short, I'm just mad I had to retype all of it.
Good luck!
If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.~Toni Morrison

It is written in m life-blood, such as that is, thick or thin; I can do no other~ Tolkien




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hahah yes, my character does fall down a lot... i was having a hard time trying to figure out ending for certain... "scenes" while i was writing. And i often write what i feel like that day, so i'm thinking i was in a very actiony mood while i wrote this. XD hahahah i will try to fix the falling down problem as much as i can. =)
Xx This side of mortality is
scaring me to death
to death xX

-The Temper Trap: Soldier On




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edited a few parts, mainly the very end, and the part that brassnbridle pointed out. =)
Xx This side of mortality is
scaring me to death
to death xX

-The Temper Trap: Soldier On




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I had been no more than a few blocks away the whole time. I banged my head on the pillar. Oui, I’m stupid.
Which is to be expected after you randomly pass out on the concrete floor of a cafeteria.
Instead, they stopped me head on. I slammed into the trunk of a huge dogwood and fell backwards with my butt in the mud.
I was so going to die.

Just wanted to mention cause I forgot last time- sorry- that these are a few of the lines I absolutely love. They made me laugh. I also like how you described the battle with the hydra and the other demigods. Really, good job with this story.
If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.~Toni Morrison

It is written in m life-blood, such as that is, thick or thin; I can do no other~ Tolkien




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Okay, I see a lot of comments about a Percy Jackson feel and I don't disagree, but I get the feeling that it may only be an inspiration and the rest of the story seems completely original. In fact, if I hadn't read the comments, I may not have made the connection and I had just finished reading the Percy Jackson series 2 days ago.

I see that the story seems to be evolving with every chapter as the characters become even more real and take on their own personalities and I really enjoy seeing that. Keep it up!
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I'm glad you don't think it is too much like the Percy Jackson series... i was worried about that.
Xx This side of mortality is
scaring me to death
to death xX

-The Temper Trap: Soldier On



I have lived through much, and now I think I have found what is needed for happiness. A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good... then rest, nature, books, music, love for one's neighbor - such is my idea of happiness.
— Leo Tolstoy