Misty Eyes: Chapter One (edited)

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Most of the invitees were blissfully unaware of the scandal taking place at the wedding. Not bothering to keep their voices down, the guests were chatting away happily, listening to the glorious piano background music in the meantime and politely, but not patiently, waiting for the ceremony to begin.
The buzz of excitement could be felt in the air. Wings fluttered and shimmered, outfits sparkled and faces glowed on what everyone, including the bride-to-be, hoped would be her last wedding day.
Immisteria was seated alongside a tower window which had a perfect view of the guests below. She surveyed them with nervous excitement. They looked like aphids from where she was sitting.
“Are you nervous?” Gertrude asked as she jabbed hairpins in her friend’s hair.
“A little,” Mist replied, gently patting her head once Gertrude had finished. “But once you’ve been through this a few times it isn’t as hard.” She said the last line jokingly, not honestly sure she believed the comment.
“Well I’m sure you’ll be fine,” Gertrude assured her. Mist gave her a hug. She was grateful someone was certain she could make it through this time.
Her parents’ advice was as helpful as a one-legged sheep dog. “You’re rich and royal, so don’t bother believing any man will love you for you.”
Mist often thought of her mother as something nasty when she made stupid comments such as these, but she loved her, so she always kept her mouth firmly shut when these things came to mind. She was quite good at controlling her temper.
Mist looked at herself in the mirror. “I hope this is the last time you’ll have to wear this,” Gertrude said, retying the back of the dress, which had come loose.
The dress was strapless silk with a criss-cross back and a sash that tied into a bow at the back. Below the sash, the silk had a spidery lace overlay and no train. Gertrude looked at it longingly, as if she wished it was her that was getting married.
“Don’t give me that look, Gerty!" Mist laughed. "You’ve had your wedding.”
But as Mist turned to the window again, her playful smile disappeared and she wrapped her arms around herself. This was going to be way harder than she wanted it to be. Her stomach turned at the thought of having another unsuccessful wedding. It could have been the promise she'd made that was causing her to hold back tears. Mist had told no one of this, and now it was starting to eat at her. Right then and there, she had had enough. Gertrude needed to know.
“Gerty, I made an oath.”
Gertrude stopped arranging the flowers in the room.
“You did what?" hissed Gertrude. "You know how dangerous that is! How could you possibly risk your whole life, or going to the Underworld for a stupid promise?"
The Underworld was a dark place; no faerie knew exactly where it was located. Mist had seen pictures of when it was first announced ‘The Underworld’, but the only people that knew what it was actually like were the people that got sent there, and only one person has ever gotten out, but he was long gone now.
Gertrude was bright red and pacing the room gracefully, even though she was fuming. Mist wished she could be as graceful as that when she was mad.
“Don’t be so angry. It’s not like it’s your life on the line,” she told her friend. Gertrude stopped mid-pace and calmed herself down with deep, long breaths. After a few moments, she spoke.
“You’re right, I’m sorry. What was the oath?” Gertrude asked slowly, in a much kinder tone.
Mist sat on the bed, biting her lip. She wasn’t sure whether or not she should say she was only joking. Gertrude sat next to her and gave her an encouraging look.
“I oathed… I oathed that if this marriage didn’t work out I would join PMA.”
The PMA; the Pixie Mission Association. They often did missions in the human world, far away from Evanesca. Mist had considered joining the PMA for quite some time now, after her first two failed engagements, but had only done anything about it now. She looked to Gertrude for a response but none came.
“Look, I know it’s strange, but there’s nothing else I can do if this fails. I want to do something with my life and this is the best thing I can think of.” Mist got up from the bed and went over to get her gloves. Gertrude also got up and smiled at her friend.
“Well, I guess it's your life,” Gertrude said, knowing she could do nothing to change Mist's mind. “Now, let’s get you properly organized. You’ve got something old, the dress," she pointed at Mist's dress, "something new, the veil,” she tied the lacy veil around Mist’s bun, “something borrowed,” she grabbed a pearl necklace from her pocket and pulled it around Mist’s neck, “and something blue!” She indicated Mist’s gorgeous midnight blue wings that faded out towards the edges. “Okay, now go get your earrings and I’ll meet you soon at the door.”
Mist nodded and took a deep breath, “Okay, let’s go,” she said. Gertrude got changed into her disgusting moss-green velour bridesmaid dress with short puffy sleeves, and Mist walked over to the door and yanked it open.
It took a while for her to register what she saw, as she looked surprisingly at the couple embracing each other. Her heart sank and fury bubbled inside her chest as she realised what was going on. There, in the doorway, she saw her fiancé making out with her maid, Emaline.
“Mist! Uh, what are you... I mean, uh... it’s bad luck to see the bride before the wedding!” Derek stuttered, quickly letting go of Emaline. Emaline stumbled a bit but caught herself on the window sill. Mist’s fiancé attempted to pretend that nothing happened, but it was quite obvious by his flustered face and messy appearance exactly what he had been up to.
“Derek!” She said in a venomous tone. “And Emaline. I should have known.” Derek straightened up as Mist walked past him to the dressing table.
“Mist, I’m sorry…” He began.
“No, you’re not!" Mist snapped "If you were sorry you wouldn’t have done it to begin with. How long has this been going on?” She snatched her pearl earrings and jabbed them in far too hard, sending a shoot of pain through both ears. Derek put his tie back on and walked over to her.
“Over a month,” he said hastily. Mist glared at him. He opened his mouth to explain but Mist interrupted him.
“And you didn’t tell me? Cheat on me, fine! But don’t pretend you still love me.” She held back furious tears as she grabbed her shoes and shoved them on her feet. She wanted so badly to strip the sash off her dress and strangle him with it, or to stab him with the heel of the shoes she had just put on. She shook her head, pushing the thought to the back of her mind. “What I don’t understand is why you would choose today of all days to do it.” Derek stood awkwardly next to Mist as she gave him this lecture. “Can you explain it to me?” she asked forcefully. Derek took a while to reply, and when he did it was more of a mumble than an actual answer. “Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that,” Mist said in a tone that showed it was obvious she wasn’t sorry at all.
“I said I needed to get some good luck for the trap that awaited me,” Derek replied quietly, avoiding eye contact. Mist made a face that made it clear she wanted so badly to give Derek a mouthful.
“Oh, so now I’m a trap? You proposed to me. Not the other way around! Did you even mean it, or did you just want the money?” Derek knew the question was rhetorical, so he continued to stand there without saying a word. The thought of strangling him came back to Mist’s mind. Instead, she maturely took a deep breath and stood up.
“Get dressed; Emaline, and get back to work. Derek, button your shirt up. We’re still doing this wedding whether you like it or not.” Mist was unsure if she was doing the right thing, but a bad feeling rushed over her whenever she thought of the dangers she'd be put in if she did join PMA.
Derek did as he was told and Emaline put her green uniform back on, giving Derek an irritated look. The bride stalked out of the room with her cheating husband-to-be following. Derek glanced back at Emaline, arranging his expression to be as apologetic as possible, as he trailed his fiancé that he no longer wanted.
Last edited by smashles on Fri Jul 16, 2010 12:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
We all have moments of desperation, but if we face them head on, that's when we find out just how strong we really are. - Mary-Alice Young, Desperate Housewives




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*Coughs* My, that's quite a large block of text you have there. Could I perhaps ask a small favour for the next time you post something? Please, oh, please, put breaks in between. It makes it so much easier to read. Let me begin... Wait! I haven't introduced myself! Why hello thar, I am Azrael and it's very nice to be making your acquaintance. Now all that is over onto the reviewing!

The buzz of excitement could be felt in the air. Wings fluttered and shimmered, outfits sparkled and faces glowed on what everyone, including the bride-to-be, hoped would be her last wedding day.


Hold on a moment here. Wings?!? What manner of beings are these? :D

Immisteria was seated alongside a tower window which had a perfect view of the guests below.


Please do not tell this is the name of your main character! I do admit it is quite pretty, though to be reading that again and again would surely kill me a tiny bit inside each time.

“A little,” Mist replied, gently patting her head once Gertrude had finished. “But once you’ve been through this a few times it isn’t as hard.” She said the last line jokingly, not honestly sure she believed the comment.


The part in red sounds a little too... unnatural. It doesn't flow nicely. I think it needs a little rewording. :D (And thank you for choosing a wonderfully short nickname.)

Mist had told no one of this, and now it was starting to kill her conscience. Right then and there, she had had enough. Gertrude needed to know.


Doesn't sound very nice. Murder, torture, maim are all better words to describe a dilemna with the conscience, but kill seems a little to plain.

The Underworld was a dark place; no faerie knew exactly where it was located.


Well, judging from the name I assume the faeries would guess it's under the world they live in... :D

“That’s a good idea,” Gertrude said finally. “Now, let’s get you properly organized. You’ve got something old, the dress," she pointed at Mist's dress, "something new, the veil,” she tied the lacy veil around Mist’s bun, “something borrowed,” she grabbed a pearl necklace from her pocket and pulled it around Mist’s neck, “and something blue!” She indicated Mist’s gorgeous midnight blue wings that faded out towards the edges.


As far as I can tell, these characters are not human. Now, why would they be following the "something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue" wedding rhyme for humans when they are fairies?

Gertrude got changed into her disgusting moss-green velour bridesmaid dress with short puffy sleeves, and Mist walked over to the door and yanked it open.


Disgusting? Why? Why would she wear a disgusting gown for?

There, in the doorway, she saw her fiancé making out with her maid, Envy.


Ahh, bequeathed with the name Envy, what else in life is this poor maid meant to do? Perhaps, a more subtle name would be appropriate.

Derek glanced back at Envy, arranging his expression to be as apologetic as possible, as he trailed his fiancé that he no longer wanted.


Oooh. I like that last line. End it with a little bitterness. :D

Overall:

Okay, I admit, I like it. I really do. This is turning out to be a very nice story. I can see the plot beginning to form and it's not forced. I like the characters, though Gertrude is feeling a little bland; she seems all dandelions and rainbows 24/7 and I'm sure no one is like that. Derek seems like a total jerk. I'm just waiting for Mist to jilt him. :D Also, I think your faeries are cultured too much like humans. Though, that's up to you, since you created the world they live in.

One of the things I've noticed about your writing is that you seem to glamorise some things, but then afterwards plainly state something else which sounds less eloquent. Try to keep this consistent. Also, as far as I'm aware you have spelling and grammar down pat.

Anyway, this is a good story and I would definitely read more. :D

Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.
Dynamic Duo AWAY!!!

A computer once beat me at chess. It was no match for me at kick boxing.

"I wish Homer was my father," - Ned's son.
"And I wish you didn't have Satan's curly red hair," - Ned Flanders.




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Okay, hello, Smashles! So, before anything else, change the "Special Formatting" option under the text-box to "Story" to fix the paragraph-bunching. It'll make everything much more approachable. Next, you have very few grammatical errors, so this won't be too long (I always say that, though, so no promises). Light_Devil gave you some good nit-picks, so listen to their suggestions (especially about the name Envy).

Gertrude looked at it longily


Longily = longingly.

“You did what?" shouted Gertrude. "You know how dangerous that is! You could be killed if you don’t follow your oath, or worse, sent to the Underworld.”


This reaction seems forced. I'm sure Mist knows perfectly well what could happen, and I'm sure that Gertrude knows that Mist knows. It seems like those second and third sentences are just to provide information, to show what an oath is in this world. Go for a more natural response-- stunned silence, Gertrude suddenly freezing in place, maybe, a hissed whisper. Maybe just a simple, "Why on earth would you risk that?"

“That’s a good idea,” Gertrude said finally. “Now, let’s get you properly organized.


For something that she reacted so strongly to, she gets over it very quickly. I'd believe it more if she grudgingly accepted the reason of Mist's oath, instead of so entirely changing her opinion in a matter of seconds.

Mist nodded and took a deep breath. “Okay, let’s go.” She said
.

Should be: Mist nodded and took a deep breath, "Okay, let's go," she said. Also, begin a new paragraph when a new character begins speaking.

“Derek!” She said in surprise.


Her heart has already sunk, and her fury is bubbling. At this point she's either quietly venomous or going berserk with anger, not surprised.

:arrow: Overall

I think the biggest issue here is your characters' reactions and motives. It's mainly in the wording, but part of it seems forced an not very thought out. After however many failed marriages, Mist would be very wary of her husbands at this point. She must think Derek is different, but while worrying about the marriage, she hardly worries about Derek himself, which I found odd. While the marriage might be the "thing" of the problem, the unfaithful husband is the "who" of the problem, and I think you need to mention some past husbands-- Derek, definitely.

Little things, as well-- reactions to the oath, why on earth Gertrude would wear a disgusting dress, etc. Mist's reaction to Derek's cheating seems subdued. I mean, her situation is getting ridiculous! Why can't she just find a decent man?! Is something wrong with her? What did she do to deserve these losers? I'd have either ignored Derek completely, glared at him silently, crushed into depression. Or I would've flung at him, poked a finger into his chest accusingly, shrieking at him and calling off the whole thing. You're caught somewhere in the middle of these reactions.

Finally, why does she want to continue the wedding? Does she just not want to have to honor her oath? If she was determined enough to make it in the first place, you'd think something as crazy ridiculous as yet another failed marriage would send her straight away from a cheating and straight to somewhere she could avoid the troubles of love. Work out your characters' motives and reactions, and you'll have a nice, solid opening chapter. I like the immediate conflict introduced, and it's well-written, in smooth and clean prose. Just be sure to format it correctly.

~Evi
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.




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'Wings fluttered and shimmered, outfits sparkled and faces glowed on what everyone, including the bride-to-be, hoped would be her last wedding day.' Loved this. Very nice foreshadowing and context-clueing. ;)

'her cheating husband following' Not her husband yet though. Husband-to-be.

Envy's name is kind of, um, obvious? Like others have mentioned, I would change it to something more subtle.

Also as others have mentioned, why is Gertrude wearing an ugly dress? Is it just following the usual cliche of ugly bridesmaid dresses? Or was the statement about 'wishing she could be that graceful when she was angry' alluding to the fact that Gertrude is a beatiful person/fairy/thing, and there's a fairy tradition that beautiful maids to royalty dress as ugly as possible so they don't outshine their mistress?

I was very impressed by this in the beginning, and I liked how you fit in context clues about different things so easily, but like Evi said, some of your character reactions feel a little off. Gertrude kind of overreacts after she announces her oath, Mist underreacts when she discovers her cheating fiance (she acts like it's nothing and plans to GO ON with the wedding?! O.O) Why didn't her other weddings work out? On her... what, third(?) wedding day, she's bound to be thinking of her old loves, so why didn't they work out? Were they lying scumbags, like Derek? Did they die? Run off because they feared commitment? Did they have to go leave her to do noble things for the good of all? Did one of them run off and join the PMA?

Why is she feeling all this pressure to GET married? Just because she's a princess? Is there some kind of rule? Is she at all ATTRACTED to Derek, or is she just marrying to get married? If she's a princess, will they even LET her go off and have a dangerous job like one in the PMA? Is she not as important because she's the third eldest sister or something?

This is very good. I'm really liking it, and I'm looking forward to seeing what comes next, so PM me if you add more. Just a couple things you have to work on. ;)
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Thanks everyone for the ideas! I have taken everyone's advice into account and so now it is edited.
Since everyone keeps asking, the bridesmaid dress is ugly because the bride chose it, and as we all know, brides choose ugly dresses for their bridesmaids so they look better.
Anyway thanks again :)
Smashles
We all have moments of desperation, but if we face them head on, that's when we find out just how strong we really are. - Mary-Alice Young, Desperate Housewives




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New question: Why were Emaline (like the new name by the way. ;)) and Derek embracing... In the doorway of Mist's room? Would that mean they were in a hallway? o.O That's a little awkward/not private. And it seems like they could almost EXPECT to get caught doing something like that RIGHT THERE...
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)




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smashles wrote:“Over a month,” he said hastily
I don't think he would say this hastily, or at all actually, i don't think he would be very willing to tell her how long it had been going on.

Some bits seemed a bit ... rushed? i don't know, i can't explain it.

anyway good job smahles :)
If I die young
bury me in satin
lay me down on a bed of roses
sink me in the river, at dawn
send me away with the words of a love song
<3



Edna began to feel like one who awakens gradually out of a dream, a delicious, grotesque, impossible dream, to feel again the realities pressing into her soul.
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening