Luna 7

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7. New Life

We arrived at the house sometime around noon. “Its ours,” Aiden said, pointing to a small cottage.
“It’s small.” From the driveway, it almost looked like a life-sized dollhouse. Not that I was complaining; at least we didn’t have to live in the woods. “You’ve been living here, right?” I asked.
“Mhm.” I stepped inside after feeling the russet door’s smooth finish. Everything was so much clearer with the cloud of humanity wiped away. The black leather furniture in the living room was warm and pliable in my hand like softened butter. I almost sat on the couch but froze when I remembered how filthy I was. Looking down at my bloodstained clothes in revulsion, I walked around the small place instead.
I opened the first door I saw, and it was my room. I could tell because the walls were painted a dusky grey and it was splattered with neon colors; I’d begged Dad to paint my room that way about a year ago. I knew how stubborn he could be though, so I quickly gave up when he said no the first time.
All of the new information from today-as short as it was-was filtering through my brain at a high speed. It was amazing how quickly I could process all of it. If I were human, I would have had a meltdown. There would be too much information for my relatively tiny and cluttered brain to comprehend.
Cutting off the lights in my room, I walked down the hall and opened the door, desperately hoping that it was the bathroom. It was, and I gladly hopped in the shower. I refuse to be bloody anymore, I thought as I rinsed the dried clots of blood from my hair. Once I was cleaned up, I took my dirty clothes and set out to find the laundry room. As I began to put my sweatshirt in the washing machine, a tiny box fell out of the pocket. I remember it instantly, and knew that the letter had said that the ring inside was Aiden’s.
I opened the only other door in the house that I hadn’t opened, and saw Aiden running around his room in small circles with a worried look on his face. At first, I thought that it was an odd thing to do, but I realized that he was no longer human. I shouldn’t expect him to do human things anymore, I thought. Then, I promised myself that I would never lose touch with my humanity.
It was mostly empty in his room; there was only a bed and a few books thrown haphazardly on the floor. When he noticed my presence, he stopped almost instantly and watched me with his eerily hawkish, grey eyes.
“Have you seen this box before?” I asked, still thinking that his room looked and felt unlived in. He took the box from my outstretched hands and lifted the lid. As soon as he saw what was inside, he dropped it, backing away rapidly.
“Where did you get this?” His eyes suddenly burned with intensity.
“In my closet at the old house. It’s just a ring, Aiden.”
“Did Dad see it?” His voice was deathly calm, but I could see that his emotions were finally about to bubble over.
“Yeah. It doesn’t matter anyway. He refused to tell me anything about it.” I shouted. Dad knew about it. Besides, it didn’t matter since he was gone.
“It matters because I’ve been searching every nook and cranny on Luna for an entire year. I did it all just to find that damn ring, and you have it on.” His breathing stilled. “Do you even know what it all means?”
“Well, I read the letter.”
He snorted. “The letter is extremely vague. It doesn’t mention exactly what we have to do. Only Dad knew what it really meant.” His eyes shifted slightly away from mine. “It doesn’t say that those ‘friends’ have to be changed by us into vampires before they can be of any help.”
“Why would we do that?”
“Because you put on the goddamn ring! When we see whomever we’re destined to be with, it’s a done deal once we realize we love them. Then we have to persuade them to put on the ring and give up their life.”
“That doesn’t sound romantic.” I crinkled my nose in disgust.
“It isn’t. Unless your version of romance includes taking away their choices, their life.” So that was the way he felt about this new life. He thought of it as a curse, and I thought it was a second chance. I’d always wanted to leave behind my past, and finally the ‘change’ had made me forget almost everything that I agonized over while I was human.
“There’s nothing we can do to change it now,” I said. I’d started the chain; there was nothing we could do to stop it. “Don’t be so pissed off.”
“You’re happy about this?”
“Just shut the hell up, and let fate run its course. We’re gonna want someone else in our lives because frankly things aren’t the same between us. We can be happy,” I wagered. “Quit throwing a fit, and put the damn thing on.” He snatched it from me and forcibly put it on. Apparently, he didn’t like to be told what to do. He growled ungratefully.
“Tomorrow’s Monday,” he said. He grabbed my hand although it was not affectionate at all. Once he realized that our palms were touching, he grabbed me around the wrist instead. Then he began pulling me out of his room and down the hall towards mine. “Your hands are too warm for human interaction,” he said, trying to play off grabbing my wrist. “The Guardians control the element of fire. I thought you would’ve noticed by now. Apparently not.” I had felt the heat coursing through my blood. I tried to push it away from my fingers and hand. Aiden’s hand twitched in my grip, and I heard his breath hitch. “Better,” he forced out in a semi-pleasant tone. That’s how I knew he was lying; he hadn’t been nice to me since I woke up.
“I’ll finally be fifteen tomorrow,” I said, effectively changing the subject from my fiery hands. In all of this madness, I’d almost forgotten about it. What a shame. It wasn’t my real birthday, but rather the day that Dad had found us. No one knew when we were actually born. Dad knew that Aiden was slightly older than I was according to his development, so he put him in the grade above me. Later, we found out that Aiden was only a few months older after all. Since Dad had found us in August, we kept Aiden in a higher grade to fit the story.
“It’s not only your birthday tomorrow,” he said.
“I didn’t forget that it’s your birthday, too. That’s it, right?”
“School starts.”
“School starts?” I groaned. “What kind of school starts on the twentieth?”
“Luna Prep.” Luna Prep was known as the high school on Luna with the most spoiled preppies, but it was supposedly the best private school on the island. Only the best for Dad’s little monsters. “We’ve both got to rest before school tomorrow. Otherwise we might have massacre on our hands.” I kissed him on the cheek and quickly shut the door behind me; I was afraid that he would react badly to that much emotion. Sliding under the covers of my four-poster bed, I settled in for the night.
Last edited by pinkangel54123 on Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:17 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Hello, my name is Cirque and I'll be your reviewer for today. On an overall, this was very interesting and cleverly thought out.

“Where did you get this?” his eyes suddenly burned with intensity.


“Did Dad see it?” his voice was deathly calm, but I could see that his emotions were finally about to bubble over.


“Better?he forced out in a semi-pleasant tone.


This is such a common problem on this site I couldn't be bothered retyping it so often, so don't be offended that I'm just copying and pasting an old paragraph from another review. Sorry, if it does. So the speech grammar of this is wrong. You see, don't worry I also just figured this out, when ever you have an ending to a sentence (past the end quotation mark) the words to come are not a beginning but a continuation. As pointed out in red, the first letter after the speech must be in lower case no matter the quotation mark. Though, this is an exception to those words that must have a capital letter eg. names.

Also, instead of a comma in the last sentence pointed out, a question mark is needed as the character is asking a question and not a statement.




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Hiya, Diane! Coco here as requested!

I had problems with a few sentences:

“Its ours,” Aiden said, pointing to a small cottage
.
The dialogue could definitly be improved here for an opening line.

I opened the only other door in the house that I hadn’t opened, and saw Aiden running around his room in small circles. At first, I thought that it was an odd thing to do, but I realized that he was no longer human. I shouldn’t expect him to do human things anymore, I thought

It still seems like quite an odd thing to do. Try and elaborate. Was he pacing, did he look worried? Or was he excersising or something?

“It matters because I’ve been searching every nook and cranny on Luna for an entire year. I did it all just to find that damn ring, and you have it on.” His breathing stilled. “Do you even know what it all means?”

I think this would definitely sound better if you wrote something like: 'It does matter! I've been searching every nook and cranny on Luna for an entire year just to find that damn ring, and it was with you all along! Do you even know what it is, what it means?'

So I can tell why you don't particularly like this chapter. I got the feeling that, perhaps, you didn't know what to have happen in the chapter and I don't blame you, these two character's haven't seen each other for such a long time it would obviously be a little awkward and difficult for a writer to write about. My advice would be to use that awkwardness to your advantage. Why not have Asha confront Aiden once and fore-all and ask to be told everything that is going on, the ring, The Slayers, The Guardians, everything - I mean, he owes her that much, at least. Not only does that give you a way to break the ice between them but it helps your readers truly understand the situation.

That brings me to Asha's dad. It seems odd to me that, if this was truly asha's destiny, why would he keep her completely leave her in the dark like he did - if it was to protect her he should've realised that one day he may not be around to be able to do that. It just doesn't seem realistic to me that he would keep her completely in the dark like that.

So, this is the end. I hope I've been able to help. I've really enjoyed reading and reviewing this novel and I'd be more than happy to see this through the end if you'd like.

Best of luck with this! :D

*coco
"Do you know what my heart says now? It says that I should forget about politics and be with you. No matter what. You're a true Queen, a Queen any King would kill for." - Prince Francis ♕




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Hi there, angel! Sorry about the delay in getting this too you, I’ve had sort of a stressful week.

This is a pretty good chapter, but I can understand what you mean about having some trouble with it. I don’t think it was a bad chapter, but there were a couple things that didn’t quite make sense when I read them (although those may have to do with the elapsed time between reading chapter six and this one. *shrug*

But let’s start with the things that were well done, shall we?

I think this chapter did a nice job of really delving into what it’s going to mean for Asha and Aiden to be vampires, what it does to them and how it will affect both their lives and their minds. Their new life is something they don’t have a choice in, yet something that is going to affect them fundamentally and from which there is no way for them to escape. I like the little scenes that dealt with this realization, such as the one where Asha walks in on Aiden running around and around his room and reflects on the fact that it’s a truly inhuman action.

I also like the way that Asha’s relative newness to life as a vampire affects her relationship with Aiden—it’s interesting to see how things become strained as she struggles to rely on him and he has to deal with what I can only term her “noob-ness.” XD Asha, I definitely get the feeling, is just as off-balance in her new life as the readers are, and it’s nice to have a sympathetic pair of eyes from which to view this new world and get used to it’s characters. For the most part, Asha’s narration is well-written as well, giving me a real impression of what she’s struggling with and how she feels about herself and Aiden.

Aiden is continuing to develop into a really interesting character, and I like how an element of bitterness and frustration comes into his character at this point in the story. The contrast between how he faces his fate and how Asha faces hers is interesting to observe, and I think it shows us a lot about both of their characters. Once again, although I’m leery of trusting him, I’m excited to find out how his character will develop as events unfold.

And real quick, the things that lost me a tad:

I shouldn’t expect him to do human things anymore, I thought. Then, I promised myself that I would never lose touch with my humanity.

I would actually like to see this concept elaborated on a little, as right now we just get Asha sort of thinking about it a little and moving right on. I’d like it if we could get a little more understanding into her inner struggle between what she was and what she’s become here. I find it hard to believe that there isn’t any conflict at all, because, after all, she mentions later in the chapter that she actually prefers being a vampire to being human—it lets her run away from some of the more unpleasant parts of her former life. It can’t be that easy for her to decide she wants to hold onto her humanity, and to show her struggling with it would add even more development and depth to her character.

“Because you put on the goddamn ring! When we see whomever we’re destined to be with, it’s a done deal once we realize we love them. Then we have to persuade them to put on the ring and give up their life.”

Okay, maybe I misread the letter in question, because this confuses the heck out of me. XD I think I somehow got the impression that they were supposed to put the ring on, to protect themselves. I don’t remember any mention of having to find the person they were destined to be with—only something about finding friends to help them. And if the letter said that they have to persuade the person in question to put on the ring, why does it also say that both the wearer and the remover will be hurt if the ring is removed? Am I just slow here? XD I’m sorry, but this part of the conversation was a bit hard to follow.

I think maybe the main reason you could be having trouble with this chapter is that everything is happening really quickly. Asha accepted being a vampire really quickly, accepted Aiden as an ally really quickly, and decided to move in with him, and go to his school, and all that really quickly. I’m still sort of confused about what’s going on—like I said before, I really thought she was going off on her journey to search for him. XD I don’t know if I’m just being dumb or not, but I’ll admit to feeling a little lost in this chapter—I think maybe trying to work in a little more backstory, or at least making the backstory clearer, wouldn’t go amiss back in those earlier chapters.

The good news is that I don’t really have any nitpicks for this chapter—the prose was all really smoothly written and well done. ^_^
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

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Hi Danie!
Here for the review!

Alright, so my first thought was how quickly Asha seems to be picking up this whole vampire thing. I mean, I think it's too sudden for her to suddenly be calling herself 'inhuman'. I mean, she was human until, what, yesterday? I think it's a little to early for that in my opinion.
If I were human, I would have had a meltdown. There would be too much information for my relatively tiny and cluttered brain to comprehend.

Although, I love this sentence XD
“Yeah. It doesn’t matter anyway. He refused to tell me anything about it.” I shouted.

Should be comma after about it, instead of period because the quote is being shouted, correct?

Besides, it didn’t matter since he was gone.

Okay, even if he wasn't biological and even if they didn't get along, he still raised them and took care of them. Sure he had secrets but I mean, it's still cold to think of him that way and it makes me a little sad that she doesn't really care.
Only the best for Dad’s little monsters.

I love this line too.

I kissed him on the cheek and quickly shut the door behind me;

I could understand that she hasn't seen her brother in a long time but I think it to was too random and sudden. I mean he was being a jerk to her in the beginning, that alone would erase all thoughts of emotional touches from my mind. But then again, maybe that's how they got along before hand.

~~~

Overall
You writing, I think, has gotten more simple and I don't think that is a bad thing at all. In fact, it's flow is much better and it's easier for me to read, understand and picture the events in my head, like watching a movie. You provide just enough description and just enough dialog and action to make it all work. Speaking of your dialog, I think it's very realistic and done quite nicely. I love Asha's thoughts, they're cynical but it works.
Also, right now I'm thinking that Aiden is a much sweeter character than Asha. Maybe I'm right but I'll never be sure! Anyways, you did a good job on the chapter but I do think you're confused on where this story is headed and what direction you want it to go. Don't worry, take a breath and take your time. There are still so many possibilities and limitless decisions your characters can take at this point. You've set the stage, basically, and we're all waiting for the plot to unfold. Keep writing and I'll be a reviewer for the rest of this series, if you ever decide on writing more. Please, drop me another request on my WRFF thread whenever you post the next chapter, I'll be happy to review :D
Till then,

~Pink
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“Such nonsense!" declared Dr Greysteel. "Whoever heard of cats doing anything useful!" "Except for staring at one in a supercilious manner," said Strange. "That has a sort of moral usefulness, I suppose, in making one feel uncomfortable and encouraging sober reflection upon one's imperfections.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell