Anti Amnesia - Chapter 1

'Ello! OK, so this is my JulNoWriMo. So if you review, could you maybe focus less on grammar and more on things like descriptions, pacing, structure, wording, etc. Thanks. : )

...

Muscles tense, Arrisa Torrow zoned in on the path in front of her and tuned out the world. The raucous cheering, the excited chatter, the hopeful pep talks, everything was drowned out by the steady thumping of her heart.

You can do this, Arrisa told herself. It’s just another race.

She thought it so convincingly, she almost fooled herself. Almost, but not quite.

The thing was, it wasn’t just another race. This race would either make or break her. And if she wanted to get into Playton University, it had to make her.

Arrisa was one of twelve who had made it to the final round of the Pebble Races. As much as it sounded like a kiddy game, it was the most anticipated sport event in the country. Even at a high school level, it was a big deal to make it to the last match.

In the Pebble Races, there was but one rule: stay on the track.

Ten feet wide, the race track was made of hard-pressed, chalky dirt. If you fell, you skidded. If so much as a lock of your hair brushed the mats, you were out. Over. Done. Simple as that.

Arrisa wasn’t sure how, but the mats always knew exactly who it was that stepped out of line. They were never wrong.

The track made a giant square; each side of the track was roughly the length of a football field. Lining the sides were the mats, and ten feet away on the inside were the cages. Three feet wide, the cages made a square of their own. This was where The Shooters stayed.

Four schools--including Arrisa’s--made it to the final round. From each school, there were three racers. Each school had a set of Shooters, three in a set, one for each racer. The lengths of the cage were separated from the others, with each team getting a side.

The Shooters had these hand machines that shot foam pebbles at you. While foam pebbles were not hard enough to seriously injure you, they flew at you at such a speed that even the sturdiest of racers fall. Hence the name "Pebble Races." There's just one catch: The Shooters weren’t allowed to shoot above your ankles.

Jogging in place, Arrisa warmed up. Two visions popped into her mind: one of her standing on a pedestal, holding a large golden trophy, waving as the audience cheered at her victory. The other was of her lying on a mat, unable to move anything but her eyes, which gazed, tear-rimmed, at the champion.

Clear you mind, Arrisa. Clear your mind. She did this before every game, just like her coach told her to.

“Don’t ever count yourself out, but don’t get too cocky. Either way, you won’t try hard enough.” That’s what he always told her. It hadn’t failed her yet.

“Runners, to the starting line,” an announcer called through a bullhorn. A few straggling racers made their way to the line.

Show time, Arrisa thought nervously, getting into position.

“On your mark,” the announcer called. “Get set... Go!”

A blaring horn sounded, and Arrisa launched herself onto the track, as did eleven others. Each was fiercely determined and sure that they were going to win. They had made it this far, hadn’t they?

A girl beside Arrisa, who was falling, groped for a hand, an arm, a sleeve, anything. She managed to grab Arrisa’s wrist, but Arrisa quickly yanked free. Unable to get a lasting hold, the girl fell, hard, onto the touch-sensitive mat that lined the race track. A shot fired into the sky.

That was the first racer down.

As Arrisa leapt over pebbles and falling competitors, three more shots rang out. A racer to the left of Arrisa was knocked off balance by the foam bullets and nearly pushed Arrisa off the track with him; it was only her quick maneuvering that saved her. After that racer was another shot, and as she took the corner, another. Seven down, four to go.

Arrisa's feet pushed against the earth, pressing her forward at rapid speed. Leaving the cover of opponents behind, Arrisa began to not simply run, but jump. She zoned in on the tiny shots coming from the chain-link fence, relying on instinct whenever she heard the click of gun fire and the whistle of the round, spongy bullet zooming through the air at her.

Jumping, swerving, dodging, Arrisa could feel the energy of the crowd cheering her on, willing her forward. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see banners and flags of her school colors--deep blue and dull gray--waving around.

Sweat was dripping down Arrisa's face as she cut the corner, jumping from the second part of the track to the third. Since she made it--barely--it was allowed. Another few inches and she would have been disqualified. But she always took risks like that; it was what made this sport exciting.

The third part of the track would be easy; her team were the shooters. Not having to dodge any bullets, she dug her heels into the ground with each step, focusing on one thing: moving forward.

Another shot rang out, prodding Arrisa on even more. Less opponents made for fiercer competition.

In record time, Arrisa made it past the third leg, and went on to the fourth. Now the pressure was on. She could see the finish line, but so could The Shooters. This was their last chance to take her out of the game.

Arrisa heard two shots, one right after the other. Someone must have pulled another down with them.

Blood pumping, Arrisa could feel the urgency of her situation. If she won, she could go to the big time. If she lost, her opportunities would drop like the first ten competitors.

About halfway across the final stretch of track, Arrisa heard a gun click and a pebble soar. She leapt over it as though it were a hurdle. What she didn’t realize was that it was a distraction. When she landed, two more pebbles rocketed towards her, and she didn’t have time to evade them.

At first she didn't understand what was happening. A sharp pinprick hit her ankle with amazing force, and time seemed to slow down. She felt her legs fall up, and thought that gravity had reversed itself. Then she realized: her legs weren't falling up; the rest of her was falling down.

She hit the track sliding, one leg positioned awkwardly under her. Her right ankle screamed distress, and Arrisa was sure it was sprained, if not broken. She had been running so fast that the momentum kept her skidding until she was inches from the mat. She dug her nails into the dirt track and miraculously stopped before getting disqualified.

Sure, a single shot might be enough to push her out of bounds, but The Shooters knew as well as she did that hitting a down racer was illegal. And it would be pretty dang hard to make it look like an accident right then and there.

In three seconds, Arrisa's slightly disoriented mind gained it bearings, and surveyed her surroundings; she was maybe sixty yards from the finish line. The only racer left besides her was a blonde boy in yellow, the color of The Shooters who nailed Arrisa.

He was just turning onto the final part of the track and gaining ground quickly.

Arrisa had a winner’s complex; she never gave up. Ever. It was the whole reason she had made it so far.

Slowly getting to her feet, the pain in her foot intensified, and she knew it wasn't good. Nevertheless, she forced herself up right as the yellow boy caught up to her. He had forward momentum and an uninjured ankle, but Arrisa had determination. And it worked for her.

Gritting her teeth, Arrisa jogged, pushing away the pain. As the yellow boy got nearer and nearer to the finish line, she changed her jog into a sprint, and then into a full out run. She bit her lip so as not to yelp with each step, and soon the taste of her blood filled her mouth.

She could feel her long, wavy hair whip around as she ran. Inching forward, Arrisa drew closer to the boy, and soon she drew closer not only in inches, but a foot at a time. She was just that good. She pumped her arms harder than she ever had before, and even with an injured ankle, she ran faster than she ever had before. The stakes were higher than ever.

She had just graduated. She wouldn't have another chance to win the final round. Soon, she would be competing at college level, and she would give anything to have a first place trophy sitting in her dorm room. Anything.

Twenty feet. That's how close the yellow runner was to the finish line. Arrisa was thirty.

Faster. Come one, faster, she mentally prodded herself.

Fifteen feet. Arrisa was twenty.

He’s not that fast, she thought. I’m faster. I just need to try harder. Faster!

Ten, Arrisa fifteen.

Just a little farther….

Arrisa was so close to him she could see the sweat glistening on the back of his neck. His short, blonde hair rippled in the wind. With each pump of his arms, his lean muscles bulged.

At five feet, they were nearly neck and neck.

She had to admit, he was a fast runner. But so was she.

Almost there….

They both rocketed towards the finish line.

Arrisa could feel the flimsy finish line ribbon rip under her force, and she knew it was over.

Camera crews from local news stations rushed forward, flashing picture after picture, blinding her. Suddenly Arrisa knew what is would feel like to be a suspect under questioning in one of those old detective movies, with a cop pushing a bright flourescent light in your face, bringing with it an unnatural heat wave.

Her mind blurred, her vision unfocused. All surrounding voices became muddled, like the adults in Charlie Brown. Only one voice could penetrate Arrisa's fogged mind. Two words. Two words that almost made Arrisa pass out, that sent her head spinning faster.

"They tied!"

Hey there!

Very interesting. As I was nearing the end of the story, I was thinking about what I would say in my review. I was going to say something like, "This seems more like a short story than a novel," because if you had finished it without the whole tying even happening, then it would have made a good short story. It's basically because you explain everything about the game in this first chapter. But it's not a bad thing!. (I'm just going to talk about things under all of the topics you asked for above).

descriptions

I was trying to find something negative, but I really can't. I mean, while your reading the work, it seems as if you're explaining way too much about the game, because you are explaining a lot! But I think it's necessary. This wouldn't be as interesting if you were describing the game, and I knew nothing about how it looked or how it is played. I think you did wonderfully on this first chapter. You didn't spend hours on her looks or her personality, yet you gave little hints about them: how she has long wavy hair, and how she doesn't like to lose, and she's very confident in her talents. So I give you a thumbs up on this.

pacing

So your pace was fine. I mean, I think you could have made it seem like she's a bit more anxious. Maybe take more time to explain things that are going on in her mind. Even though it may seem long, this is actually a really short chapter. You should lengthen it by letting us in to her mind a bit. I don't mean lengthening it by a few pages. Just a few more paragraphs maybe explaining her fear of losing or something like that. It would make her seem more human, and less perfect.

structure

I don't really know what you want me to say about structure. I mean, your sentences seem fine. There is a variety of your sentence structure, so that's no problem. Your paragraphs are neither too long or too short. Your chapter's a little short, I'm not sure if that's structure, but try lengthening it and slowing it down a bit like I said above, and you should be alright.

wording

Sometimes your words are a little simplistic. I don't know about other girls my age, but I'm around the same age as her and I use way more complex words in every day sentences than she does. Even though you are talking in the third person, you can still give a personality to your narrator. I always try to channel my inner voice, and figure out, if I am writing in third person, who my narrator is. Your narrator has a voice, so they are also a character.

Here's an example.

The Shooters have these gun-like things that shoot foam pebbles at you.

You need to understand that even though you don't know how to describe this gun, your narrator and your MC does. You can't say 'things.' It's like saying, "In baseball, they use these club-like things to hit a ball." If I said that to someone now, they wouldn't understand how I didn't know what it was called. You need to become more familiar for your story. If you don't even know what it's called, how will your readers picture and understand it? I would say something like "these machines that shoot foam balls at you." They will obviously picture it as a gun because you will be using the term 'shooting.'

Overall

This was a very intriguing story. Everything about it seemed original, and I can't wait to read more. It reminds me of the hunger games. When you starting to hint towards the shooting part in the beginning, it just sounded like it was a death match or something. For a first chapter, this was written well and extremely inviting. You described things so that I want to know more about it, even though there might not be that much more to learn.

Keep writing!

Classy

I'm bluewaterlily, and I'll be reviewing your story today.
red=corrections
blue=comments

Muscles tense, Arrisa Torrow zoned in on the path in front of herself,and tuned out the world.

I don't think you need herself. Just her is fine. Also that comma isn't needed.

You can do this, Arrisa told herself. It’s just another race.

Thoughts are supoosed to be italicized.

A girl beside Arrisa reached out and groped for a hand, an arm, a sleeve, anything. The girl was falling.

If the girl beside Arrisa wasteying to grab a hold of Arrisa to steady herself, readers probably know she is falling. Maybe you shoud reword it like this: A girl beside Arrisa who was falling reached out and groped for a hand, an arm, a sleeve, anything.

And if that weren’t difficult enough, there were people whose job it was to knock you off of the track. They were called the Shooters.

The track made a giant square; each side of the track was roughly the length of a football field. Lining the sides were the mats, and ten feet away on the inside were the cages. Three feet wide, the cages made a square of their own. This was where the Shooters stayed.

Four schools--including Arrisa’s--made it to the final round. From each school there were three racers. Each school had a set of Shooters, three in a set, one for each racer. The lengths of the cage were separated from the others, with each team getting a side.

The Shooters have these gun-like things that shoot foam pebbles at you. While foam pebbles are not hard enough to seriously injure you, they fly at you at such a speed that even the sturdiest of racers fall. Hence the name "Pebble Races". There's just one catch: the Shooters aren’t allowed to shoot above your ankles.

While this information is important, I don't think this is the right time and right place to tell readers. One minute readers were focusing on what was happening in the race, then readers are learning about the race's rules. I think it would be better if readers were informed about the rules to this race at the beginning of the story.

A racer to the left of Arrisa was knocked off balance by the foam bullets, and nearly pushed Arrisa off the track with him; it was only her quick maneuvering that saved her.

No comma is needed.

She zoned in on the tiny shots coming from chain link fence, relying on instinct whenever she heard the click of gun fire and the whistle of the round, spongy zooming through the air at her.

...from the chain The last phrase was confusing. Round, spongy what zooming through the air at her.? Do you mean pebbles?

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see banners and flags of deep blue and dull gray waving around. Blue and gray was her school colors.

You could combine the two sentences to make it sound more concise and better wording. Something like this: Out of the corner of her eyes, she could see banners and flags of deep blue and dull gray waving around, her school colors.

Another shot rang out, prodding Arrisa on even more so.

I don't think you need the last word; it just doesn't sound right.

Arrisa had been running so fast that the momentum kept her skidding until she was inches from the mat. She dug her nails into the dirt track, and miraculously stopped before getting disqualified.

No comma is needed.

And it would be pretty dang hard to make it look like an accident right then.

Do you mean there or there and then?

In three seconds Arrisa's slightly disoriented mind gained it bearings, and surveyed her surroundings; She was maybe sixty yards from the finish line.

There should be a comma between seconds and Arrisa's. Also She needs to be lowercase.

The only racer left besides her was a blonde boy in yellow; the color of the Shooters who nailed her.

Don't you mean him?

He was just turning onto the final part of the track, and gaining ground quickly.

No need for that comma.

She bit her lip so as not to yelp with each step, and soon she the taste of her blood filled her mouth.

I think that was a typo, because that word isn't needed.

Arrisa was so close to him she could see the sweat glisten on the back of his neck. She could see his short blonde hair ripple in the wind. She could see his muscles bulge as he forced himself on.

This sounds a little repetitive. Maybe you should try different sentence patterns and variations.

At five feet they were nearly neck and neck.

Insert a comma between feet and they.

Descrictions: Your descriptions were nice and very detailed. Very good imagery and good job with using hearing,vision, and touch to make the story feel realistic. You also did a good job of giving out snippets of information about her personality. Readers got a good understanding of Arrisa's personality: how determined she is, her confidence in her abilities,and her passion for running.

Pacing: Your pacing is pretty good. My only suggestion is about when you gave the information about the rules to the race after the first runner fell. I think it would be better at the beginning of the story. Also, I feel you could add onto how nervous or anxious Arrisa felt before the race. Maybe you could describe her breathing or the beads of sweat forming on her face. Then, maybe it would be a good time to explain the rules of the race that makes it so hard.

Sentence structure: Your sentence structure seems fine. There's only one paragraph that sounded a little redundant.

Arrisa was so close to him she could see the sweat glisten on the back of his neck. She could see his short blonde hair ripple in the wind. She could see his muscles bulge as he forced himself on.

But other than that, good job.

Wording: Your wording was good, but it could use a little work. Some of the phrases in your sentences were worded in a confusing way. If you want to see what I mean, than skim through this review.

Overall: I liked this chapter; it was interesting. It was very descriptive, readers could really feel, see, and imagine what was going on. I like how the ending makes readers hanging and wanting to read more, so job well done! Would you mind sending me a P.M. when you post Chapter Two. Hope I helped, and good luck with your writing~bluewaterlily.

Hey, ultraviolet, wariofart here for a quick review from JulNo land!

First off, can I say I loved this? Really, this was an insanely enjoyable read. I loved the way you described the sport, and the pacing seemed almost perfect. Your character was likable, and I'm left wanting more. Now, here are a few nit-picks.

1. Length: I agree with captain, this does seem more like a short story then a full-fledged novel. I'm not sure how many times I could bare to hear this same scenario over and over, no matter how good it was the first time. I'm hoping that you have an epic plot planned out, maybe with that boy she tied with?

2. Character: Arrisa is a good, motivated character. She seems a little one-sided now, but that leaves room to grow throughout the novel. I can't wait to see the first time she truly, utterly, gives up. >:)

So there you go, a mini-review. I loved this chapter, and am anxious about the rest of the novel. Now, back to writing for me!

Thanks, guys, for the reviews. In a minute I'm going off to fix it. Also, 'cause this is a WriMo, I wasn't as focused on the grammar, so that's why there are so many mistakes. But I'm definitely going to fix them. (Now that I see them, if I don't fix them, I will go crazy. I can guarantee it.) Anyways, thanks.

'Kay, so I edited it. Better?

Yoooo

I'm here to review as requested. I've reviewed plenty of your stuff before so you know the drill. You've already gotten some really nice reviews here, so I'll try my best not to repeat everything that's already been said unless I feel that it is necessary.

She thought it so convincingly, she almost fooled herself.

As much as it sounded like a kiddy game, it was the most anticipated sport event in the country.

The word event seemed suited here.

In the Pebble Races, there was but one rule: stay on the track.

I don't think you needed a capital letter here. I'm not 100% sure about that though, to be honest.

They were called The Shooters.

Considering this is a title, you need to capitalize the 'T'

This was where The Shooters stayed.

From each school, there were three racers.

The other was of her standing back dejectedly as another were at her place on the pedestal.

This sentence sounded kind of awkward to me, it didn't really flow very well. I think that you should consider rephrasing it.

“Don’t ever count yourself out, but don’t get too cocky. Either way, you won’t try hard enough.” That’s what he always told her.

“On your mark,” the announcer called. “Get set... Go!”

The ellipsis (...) seemed suited here.

Unable to get a lasting hold, the girl fell, hard, onto the touch-sensitive mat that lined the race track. A shot fired into the sky.

You don't need the two commas beside the word hard here.

In record time, Arrisa made it past the third leg, and went on to the fourth.

In three seconds, Arrisa's slightly disoriented mind gained it bearings, and surveyed her surroundings; she was maybe sixty yards from the finish line.

She pumped her arms harder than she ever had before, and even with an injured ankle ran, she ran faster than she ever had before. Because The stakes were higher than they ever were before.

Arrisa was so close to him, she could see the sweat glistening on the back of his neck.

A horn blared as the ribbon was trampled.

They had tied.

Hmm... the ending seemed a bit sudden to me.


Overall

I'm very glad that you asked me to review this, it was an enjoyable read. I know that you said not to concentrate much on grammar, but I did point out a few things that I noticed. There was nothing major though, just the odd missing or misused comma here and there. One of the things that I like the best about this was the idea itself. You've made up a new kind of sport, which I think is really cool. Plus, this story suited me for today because I've just returned from my school's sports day. Ironic... So far, this story is original and not the slightest bit cliché. When it comes to your characters, I did rather like your MC. She wasn't annoying at all, thankfully, and I felt happy and comfortable reading about her. I can't really say much about her because this is only the first chapter, so I don't know all that much about her. Plus, it didn't really bother me that you didn't give that much information on her background. This is definitely better suited as more of an action scene. As for your spelling, like usual, it was really good. My favourite thing about this chapter, I think, are your descriptions. You really came up with some nice ones.

My main critique for this is probably the ending. Maybe it's just me being paranoid and picky, but I thought that it ended kind of suddenly. Your characters were running, then suddenly, you said that they tied. Basically, I didn't think that there was much of a build up. You were saying things like the distance of yards between them and the finishing line, but I think that you could have done more. One thing that I suggest is that you actually mention her finishing the race and the few minutes after it. She's pretty darn hurt, isn't she? Because of that, you could make it so that she finishes the race and has no idea what she came. Explain how she's light headed, aching, blood is pumping hard, breathing heavily, etc. Make it so it all seems rather fuzzy. Then you could maybe mention her hearing something that makes her suddenly freeze. Something kind of like this:-

Arrisa couldn't think, couldn't breathe. Her entire body was aching as the blood pumped viciously around her body. Her legs felt as though they would cave in, forcing her to fall onto the hard ground. There was shouting, screaming, cheering, but Arrisa couldn't hear it, not properly. All that she could hear was muffled noises, muddled sentences. She may not have been able to hear much, but there was one thing that she did hear. One word. A word that made her entire body freeze, that made her eyes widen in disbelief.

They had tied.

You don't have to use that exactly, that's just a rough idea that I made up on the spot. I think that you get the idea though. What I've done there, even though I did it pretty badly, was build some tension and suspense. Do you see how that works better. Instead of suddenly saying, 'They had tied', building up the suspense works a lot better. It's kind of like saying, 'Jeff was suddenly in pain and he fell to the floor. He had died.' That example is a lot more dramatic than yours, but you get the idea.

Thinking about it, that is my overall critique: creating suspense. Throughout this chapter, I felt as though you could have created more suspense. One very good way of creating effective suspense is a really simple technique. Short sentences. I did notice you using them sometimes, but I think that you could have used them even more. For example, when she was shot in the ankle. It kind of just happened. You described her getting shot, then falling. I think that it could have been effective if you said something about a shot of pain ripping through her ankle, that kind of thing. This is what I mean:-

About halfway across the final stretch of track, Arrisa heard a gun click and a pebble soar. She leapt over it as though it were a hurdle. What she didn’t realize was that it was a distraction. When she landed, two more pebbles rocketed towards her, and she didn’t have time to evade them. They hit her foot at a key location, and she fell.

The part I highlighted in red is where the key problem is. You didn't really show it happening, you just said that she was shot and then she fell. Besides, when yo are running and concentrating so hard, things like that don't really sync in like that. You could even describe how she didn't realise what it was at first, especially after dodging the first pebble. Instead of simply saying that she was shot and she fell, describe the feeling of it. Don't say that she was shot, say that she felt a sharp pain, making her stumble. Describe it in a similar way to how I described Arrisa finishing the race. Sorry if I'm not making much sense, I'm not very good at explaining things. Basically, you seem to be describing the actions, but not so much the feeling of those actions. You're describing that she fell and how she fell, but you're not really describing how it felt as much as you could. I think that makes sense...

Overall, this certainly does have some great potential. The idea is original and you have written it very well. Your descriptions are really lovely and you don't just stick to using the same words over and over again. Your grammar is really good and your spelling is even better. The flow of this was nice, there were no obviously awkward sentences or anything like that. All that you need to do now is to take into account what us reviewers have said and maybe edit this up a bit. If you do that, you could end up with a really great piece of writing here.

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian

Thanks, for the reviews guys. They're great. I'll do another edit later tonight when I have more time.

Skins, can I just say that you kind of freaked me out. When I saw how much you wrote I mentally went, Oh, crap. What did I do wrong? I messed up big time, didn't I? I mean, I've never had a review with so many WORDS. *inhale* *exhale* AHHH!!!!!!

Then I read it and was all happy again.

Anyways, Skins, your review was really helpful. I've gotten fairly good at most writing things--at least enough to fake it--but tension is kind of hard. To try not to overdo it to the point where the reader simply groans at how cheesy and dramatic is, and then you end up with no suspense at all. Anyways, your review's good. That is all.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Hi, ultraviolet! The universe is conspiring to make me a late reviewer this week, but I’m doing my best—sorry. ^^;

First of all, I’d really, really like to commend you on the awesome atmosphere of this opening. I think you really caught hold of my emotions in a way that I’ve never seen in your writing before. I was on the edge of my seat throughout this whole chapter, just waiting to see what was going to happen to Arrisa. It was so intense—especially at the end, when it was just between her and the final runner. I don’t usually care in the least about sports, and, by extension, sports things happening in novels, but this scene really convinced me to get up and pay attention, in a way I wasn’t expecting to.

I think the reason for that is how well-written Arrisa’s narration is. I could really sympathize with her plight and her nerves at the beginning of the chapter, as well as with her feeling of how much is relying on this situation. I think part of it might be the fact that I am also an extremely competitive person, or the fact that I also failed very painfully to get into the college of my dreams (or even a college I liked… XD). But I think a huge part of my sympathy for the character is due simply to the fact that her narration in this chapter was extremely well-written.

Another thing that I really liked about this first chapter was the way the “fantasy” element of it was worked in so smoothly. Well, it’s not really a fantasy element, but it was a clever way to show us that Arrisa’s world is in fact, one separate from our own. The simple concept of the Pebble Race is an alien one, and I think the way you introduced it—so matter-of-factly, as if to say “of course it’s a real sport! People play it all the time!” This really gave me an impression that Arrisa was in a different world, moreso than just about any other type of over-the-top fantasy element would. I think the smooth, seamless way that the alien integrates with the familiar in this world so far shows a lot of potential—I’m really curious to know exactly how this setting is going to develop, what it’s really like, and what the fantasy element of it means for the rest of Arrisa’s story.

The description of the game also worked really well, I think—it was enough to help me understand what was going on, but it never felt like an infodump or like you were overloading me with information. I got exactly as much out of it as I needed to know to keep following in the story, which is just how things should be.

The only exception would be this paragraph:

And if that weren’t difficult enough, there were people whose job it was to knock you off of the track. They were called the Shooters.

This reads a little too much like straight-up explaining to me, which I think kind of jarred the flow of the story. If I were you, I’d actually eliminate this paragraph altogether—we’re probably able to figure out what the Shooters do from the next paragraph, or the events that follow it. It’s actually a little more suspenseful that way, I think—leaving us on the edge by making us wonder “what’s so hard about staying on the track?”

I do agree with Skins a bit that it might have been a good idea to show a little bit after the race, as Arrisa’s emotions calm and she begins to truly realize what’s going on around her. After all, I think in the intensity of the race, she probably wouldn’t even know which one of them had won—it would be a little more realistic to show her slowly coming back down to reality and then having to face the ending of the race. I think the example paragraph Skins used also helped hold the tension, the suspense, and even the hope for just a little bit longer—which made Arrisa’s defeat all the more crushing.

Anyway, I think this is a story with some really exciting potential, a wonderful main character, and suspense, atmosphere, and emotion that I’ve never seen before from you. I commend you on a fantastic opening, and I can’t wait to read more. Keep up the good work!

And now I’ve got JulNo to do. XDD

OK, so I edited it. I wan wondering if any of you would reread it? You don't have to review or anything; I just want to know if it's better.

Hi, ultraviolet! Here is the review I promised you.
red=corrections
blue=comments

Hence the name "Pebble Races".

That period should be inside the quotation marks. Or you could do it like this Hence the name 'Pebble Races.'

She zoned in on the tiny shots coming from the chain link fence, relying on instinct whenever she heard the click of gun fire and the whistle of the round, spongy bullet zooming through the air at her.

Chain link should be hyphenated.

The only racer left besides her was a blonde boy in yellow; the color of The Shooters who nailed Arrisa.

That semicolon should be a comma.

Soon she would be competing at college level, and she would give anything to have a first place trophy sitting in her dorm room.

There should be a comma after soon.

She pumped her arms harder than she ever had before, and even with an injured ankle, she ran faster than she ever had before. The stakes were higher than they ever were before.

You ended the sentences with the same words; it sounded repetitive. For the last sentence, I think you can take reword it like this: The stakes were higher than ever. You save words and the story flow isn't faltered because of repetitiveness.

Arrisa was so close to him she could see the sweat glistening on the back of his neck.

I think there's supposed to be a comma after him, Though, I'm not sure. Perhaps you should ask some one.

Arrisa could feel the flimsy finish line ribbon rip under her force, and she knew it was over. The race, that is.

That last sentence isn't needed. Hopefully our readers know when Arrisa and the second racer reach the finish line, that the race is over!

Her mind blurred, her vision unfocused. All surrounding voices became muddled, like the adults in Charlie Brown.

Maybe I'm just an idiot, but I didn't get this last part. Then again, I never did watch Charlie Brown.

"They tied."

I think that period should be a exclamation mark. I mean if this is the most popular spot in the country, and two of the racers tied you wouldn't say it calmly, like you were ordering pizza, you would yell it!

Overall: You did an even better job with this chapter. Before you edited this, you had superb descriptions, and you brought them up a notch. Way to go! And you added even more of the sense of feel toy your story. Good job! *claps hands* Point is, you made an excellent chapter even better. Keep up the good work, and good luck with your writing~bluewaterlily.

Fixed, Lily.

I really like it! Description is fantastic, the events are clear and the fast pacing works really well.
You've built up a great, strong and determined character- she doesn't say anything, except her inner monologue talking, but I can still imagine the basics of what she is like, how she acts and also how she will react to the result of the race- not very well is my guess!
And, Jesus, is the race brutal! "Just one rule, stay in the track" I mean, that sounds like the racers can do anything in this race, and they should have done- it would have been cool to see some of the racers actually being pulled down and being hurt, possibly even some fighting? Thrwoing some punches whilst running maybe? Also, I don't think foam pebbles, even if shot at speed, would be able to do anything- it's a damn good idea, but I think they should have been made from a harder material.
That's my only criticism, though- the rest was amazing!