Chapter 1: The Raise of Angels

Chapter 1

“Yes mom…No, I won’t be coming this afternoon…What?!...no way, I won’t be meeting other women again, two times is enough…I know, so... okay... bye I’ll have to go now…love you too…”
Evans hung up the phone, sighed and went to take a shower. He loved the feeling of cold water flowing down his back. He stayed under the water during ten minutes, wanting to feel numb. His life was in shambles. He had a huge, beautifully-furnished loft with no one to live with anymore. His past was cold and uneventful; his present life, even more. His future would certainly be the same, or maybe worse.

His place was cold and oppressively calm. No lights were turned on, except those of the wide bathroom. The only sign of life was the gentle sound of falling water.
He took some shampoo and gently washed his dark brown hair, trying to remove all his worries from his mind, trying to relax a little. But he couldn’t. He was too tense to think clearly. He closed his eyes, frowned and took a deep breath.

He was now twenty-three and he possessed the family company valued to billions. He lived in a big loft, alone. He lost all his friends due to his overwhelming dark and calm attitude. He kept judging others by appearance since he was an adolescent; it was mainly the fault of his superficial parents, especially his cold-minded father to which he always spoke to in a formal way since his birth. Since the death of his father, Dan Reynolds, he acquired the whole company and bought a loft for himself although the several pleadings of his mother of not leaving “home”. He deceived people who appreciated him a lot in his teen days, especially one person whose life he destroyed without even having to talk. Maybe that’s what he had to do…but it’s too late and the person has probably forgotten him…but he cannot help feeling remorseful for what he did…
”It’s too late” he said to himself, shaking his head while water entered his delicate thin-lined mouth.

Though his dark past and present, he was one of the best looking bachelors of the time and women couldn’t resist his mystery side. He dated more women than he could count and couldn’t even remember the name of half of them. When he was young, he always felt superior to others, he chose his friends and didn’t “melt” with other “kinds” of people who didn’t meet his parent’s expectations and criteria. He studied in one of the best universities of his time and got a master degree in business and philosophy. His intelligence was his best quality and it was the only thing his parents found worth in their son’s personality. It was maybe the only reason his parents considered himself as being their son in front of their friends.


Love. He didn’t really know how to love. He didn’t know if he loved or will love. Maybe the only time he felt something closest to that feeling is when he met that person. He shook his head, trying to forget her.
Suddenly he was brought to reality when he heard a knock at his door. He found it rather strange to have a visitor at ten past midnight and he noticed that the knock was not normal. There was an interval of two seconds between each three knocks rather than the usual annoying consecutive knocks. The continuous knocks stopped. He got out of the shower and put on his pants. His muscular tanned chest was glowing in the moonlight of the living room while he walked through the dark corridor connecting the living room with the entrance room. Three additional knocks could be heard. “Yes, wait a minute” he called. The knocks stopped again and he started to find it very strange. He stared at the door wondering if he should open it or not. The clock’s sound seemed to get louder every second he spent staring at the door. Who the hell could that be? It’s nearly fifteen past midnight and not even my mother would come here at that time. Could it be Jenny? No she married Jack last week. Or Shanti? Oh no she went pregnant last month. Or maybe Abby…Impossible, she changed sex last year.
Three knocks were heard again, interrupting Evans’ stream of mind. The latter took a breath and asked “Who are you?”
He regretted the question the next second as his door exploded and two persons came in front of him.

He was stunned on sight as he saw these two individuals. The first one was a ghost-like man with long strands of hair falling on his face. He was in his early twenties and had a smirk on his face as he played with a red energy ball in his right hand. He wore dark torn jeans with a black tight t-shirt. “Kratos, stop playing with the toy, it seems scared enough huh?” the second individual said to the first one.

Is it me they’re talking about?

“It’s not your business crazy witch, I don’t have to obey you; we already have Capaune for that” he said with a disgusted look.
“For your information, madman, my name is Moon and we have to catch the toy before morning, so shut up and do the damn job” Moon replied coldly.

Moon was a beautiful woman in her early twenties. She had gold colored skin and long brown hair. She had red make up on her eyes and red full lips. She wore a long pointed hat, just like witches in stories Evans heard about when he was a child on Halloween days. Moon was beautiful, Evans was sure of it; but he couldn’t help hating her. She emanated a hatred that none could compete with. And it was scary.

Suddenly the room seemed darker than usual. The silence became heavier as Kratos walked towards him looking directly in his eyes. Moon walked around him looking to every part of his body. She seemed to be searching for something. Evans couldn’t move. He wouldn’t move. Everything seemed to move slowly around him as every beat of his heart got harder. His breathe became shallow and he didn’t feel his right arm anymore.
“He seems delicious” said Moon. She looked at him from down to up and looked straight in his dark-blue eyes. She licked her upper lip in a sensual way and said “He should have been a Linevil. What a waste…”

'He was now twenty-three and he possessed the family company valued to billions. He lived in a big loft, alone. He lost all his friends due to his overwhelming dark and calm attitude. He kept judging others by appearance since he was an adolescent; it was mainly the fault of his superficial parents, especially his cold-minded father to which he always spoke to in a formal way since his birth. Since the death of his father, Dan Reynolds, he acquired the whole company and bought a loft for himself although the several pleadings of his mother of not leaving “home”. He deceived people who appreciated him a lot in his teen days, especially one person whose life he destroyed without even having to talk. Maybe that’s what he had to do…but it’s too late and the person has probably forgotten him…but he cannot help feeling remorseful for what he did…'

This is a lot of telling. I think you could probably use some more showing. Tell me this with the story, not the narrative. Maybe instead of giving us the tail end of a conversation with his mom, you could give us the whole thing. Have them talk about his life, his family. They could refer to the way he spends his money - 'wasting away the family fortune!' - and to his father - He complains, 'you know he means well', etc. - and all the rest. That's what nagging mothers are for! To point out all that sucks with his life.

'”It’s too late” he said to himself, shaking his head while water entered his delicate thin-lined mouth.' Wow! Impressive multitasking! He's saying something, AND shaking his head, WHILE water is 'entering his mouth'?

'... on his face. He was in his early twenties and had a smirk on his face...' 'On his face' twice in as many sentences? Gets a little repetitive...

'"For your information, madman, my name is Moon and we have to catch the toy before morning, so shut up and do the damn job” Moon replied coldly.' This sounds a little awkward, especially that sentence about having to 'catch the toy before morning'. Wouldn't he know that already? It's good that you're trying to put information into the story itself, but make sure it's smooth enough that the readers can't tell you're adding a detail just for their benefit.

This isn't bad! ^^ Waiting for more. <3