Angelista: Prologue

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Prologue

“One two three four….One two three…Ow!” cried a young athletic man from under a slim young woman. “Jay, please…stop being so distracted, you have to focus…so FOCUS!” replied the young woman who was now sighing.
“But Mia, you’re too fragile for me to hurt you” said the brown-haired man huskily with a grin obvious on his strong-looking face. It was the third time she succeeded in pinning him down. Mia rolled her eyes and replied “Nice try bud, but it doesn’t work anymore, maybe next time” she replied with the same tone, tying up her long silky black hair in a loose pony tail and stood up. She pulled him up and laughed in his discomfited face. That’s what happens when thinking you’re too strong she thought with a grin.
“Come on honey” she winked and found herself pinned down by an angry Jay “I knew it would work!”
“Don’t ever call me that, understood Cherie?” He said in a low voice, successfully hiding a grin. Now it was his time to laugh at her discomfited face.
After two minutes of complete silence both of them cracked up laughing. “Okay, let’s stop or else Thomas will come up and arrange that little face of yours”
“Talking about me huh?” interrupted a tall and very strong-looking man in his early fifties. He was a highly-honored retired officer from the army who now trained Mia and Jay.
Oh no…thought Jay not again…
“Hey Tom!” greeted Mia with a big smile on her slightly-tanned smooth face. Thomas hugged her in a fatherly way and replied “Hey Mia, still beating him huh?”
“Yeah, always” she answered, now laughing.
“Hi Tom” said a grim-looking Jay who was anticipating the worst.
“Hey Jay” replied a smiling Tom, who had some strands of gray hair falling on his face. He grinned and punched Jay’s trembling shoulders.
“OW,” thought Jay
“You're alright?” asked Tom
“Yeah...fine” replied a pain-looking Jay

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“Seems you kicked him quite hard Mia” noticed Tom
“Ha-ha, yea it seems so.” said a smiling sympathetic Mia who knew very well the true reason of Jay’s state. “I think we should go now, we’ve finished anyway”
“Thanks” murmured Jay
“No problem” winked Mia
They were actually in a huge room which height was about five levels up from the ground. The ceiling was so high that we could barely see it. The room was entirely white. With no furniture at all. The walls, the floor and the ceiling were made with pure white ceramics. There were no windows; only an opening, which was separated by a crystal clear glass. Though having no opening to the outside world, the room seemed to generate light from itself.
It was the training room. It was very a powerful room, unique in the world which only allowed the Angelistas and the highest officers of the organization to enter it. It captures the energies of the Angelistas so as to moderate their actions which may be highly influenced by their emotions, especially Mia.
Last edited by anaellelabonne on Sat May 29, 2010 7:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Not bad... I'm definitely interested... Could use a little polishing, but for the most part this is good. ^^ A few things I noticed:

Some punctuation errors... I'd proofread a little more.

“Ha-ha, yea it seems so.” This sounds like something I'd get in a text message. o.O In my opinion, you should never, ever use 'ha-ha'. 'She chuckled. "Yeah, it seems so..."' Better, no?

'The ceiling was so high that we could barely see it.' We? This story's told in third person, right? So, no 'we.' XD

I was just a little bit confused by the first part especially... And this seems to consist of a lot of dialogue, and not much description. It sounds more like a roleplay, honestly... *shrugs* But maybe that's just my opinion. I guess I'd like a little more description, especially in that last paragraph about the room? You do have description there, but I think it needs to be re-worked a little bit. 'They were actually in a...' I don't think you need the word 'actually' slipped in there...

Not bad so far, and I'm kind of enjoying it. ^^ Could just use some work on a few things...
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)




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Hey ana! I'm KD *waves*, and I'll be your reviewer today! (Or one of your reviewers...)
Okey-dokey.



Content:

anaellelabonne wrote:“Yeah...fine,” replied a pain-looking Jay.
I think this sentence represents the biggest problem in your prologue quite nicely: your lack of punctuation! You always, no matter what, need punctuation after every single line of dialog, etc., in your writing! I inserted the needed punctuation in for you in red.
Tons of YWSers have this problem...I don't quite understand why. So. Even if you have a period or comma at the end of the sentence, make sure it's always visible; don't leave them out! (Also, by the way...what do you mean by 'pain-looking'? That's not English, hehe. Do you mean to say that he looked 'pained'?)

I love your use of pictures in your prologue, by the way. Nobody else really does that! 'Illustrations' make the reader interested. But remember; don't rely on photos to describe things in your story! You must write as if those pictures aren't there to describe your scenes, characters, etc. Pretend that the reader can't really see them (your pictures/illustrations).


Overall:


I don't think this is really a prologue. A prologue= an introduction to a story, something to spark interest; prologues generally don't 100% connect to Chapter One in a direct way. I think this is not a prologue. This is not an introduction. I think this belongs in the beginning of the first chapter of your story!

Hope I helped. Cya round, and good luck!

~KD
Perfect things in life aren't things.
Spoiler
*_______*



“I am not worried, Harry," said Dumbledore, his voice a little stronger despite the freezing water. "I am with you.”
— Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince